Chapter Three: Love Nest of the She-Devil

'Oh, crap.'

Having spent the weekend at a euphoric high, daydreaming and occasionally saying "wheee!" as she so often did in times of celebration, Rowena had proceeded to find Monday and Tuesday almost unbearable.

Suddenly, every problem imaginable presented itself in Rowena's mind. She'd woken up on Monday morning expecting to feel as elated as the day before, and so was rather bemused to wake up mumbling, 'What if no one's rich enough?'

The only person angrier about this than Rowena was Elvina, who snapped, 'My life is approaching its dismal end and all you can talk about it money?'

Since then, Rowena — and everyone else around her — realised she was mumbling to herself more than was strictly healthy.

In potions, she was awarded a detention for asking, 'Who has that much money anyway?' in the middle of a reading from a text book. Her insistant cry of, 'Nobody, that's who!' only made matters worse.

Tuesday beckoned with the same tight, worried feeling in her stomach and a mumble of, 'What if there aren't any teachers?'

Elvina and the other girl in the dormitory, Mary Croswell, looked at her strangely as she sat up.

'Bronwyn,' said Elvina, slowly, 'were you dreaming about…teachers?'

'What? No!'

'Well you look quite pale and anxious, and you just said "any teachers"…'

'God no!'

Mary, a rather skinny, freckled girl with dramatic eyes, nodded slowly. 'If you deny it I'll believe you, Rowena.'

'I deny! I deny!'

'She's lying,' said Elvina, confidently.

Wednesday had arrived with the same feeling, but luckily Rowena managed to stop herself saying, 'No man would want to do it,' positive that Elvina and Mary would have had a field day had she done so.

It wasn't until six o'clock that evening Rowena remembered her meeting with Slytherin in the library.

'Oh, crap,' she said again, seeing the potions master pass, reminding her of her dreaded fate.

'What is it?' Helga asked, wondering if this was another mumble to herself.

'I'm supposed to meet Slytherin in the library in fifteen minutes!'

'If you run straight there you might be able to—'

'I can't, I've got to run up to my dormitory and get the notes and books and change my dress, dammit all I've got grass stains on this one, I'm sure he'd be over the moon with all the insults he could get out of this, dammit! I wanted to be there early, too, so I could look superior when he arrived! Dammit!'

With this final cry of dammit she gathered her bag and ran off in the direction of Winter house, disrupting a very busy Elvina and Welland Marshtone as she burst into the dormitory (eyes shielded in advance).

'Hey!' Elvina squealed and, judging by the thud that followed, pushing Welland onto the floor.

'Hey!' said Welland, in some pain.

'Won't be two minutes got to get my books where's my notes here they are have you seen my dress never mind I'll clean the stain off in the bathroom what time is it oh dammit all!' Rowena said, in one big breath, running in the direction of the bathroom.

'This isn't an orgy, you know!' Elvina snapped after her.

Making a half-hearted attempt to wipe the sweat from her forehead and cool herself down with a heavy text book, Rowena finally entered the library. It was a large, dark, stone room, decorated with red drapes and furnishings that gave it a faint resemblance to the headquarters of an imaginary evil genius.

Rowena felt quite at home here, among the immaculate rows and rows of books. The gaps between the rows were very narrow and dark, the looming shelves obscuring the sunlight that streamed in through the long, cathedral-like windows. It was all rather poetic.

She made her way to the other side of the library, detouring around the shelves. Slytherin sat alone at a bench, reading quietly from a thick volume in his hands.

Right on cue, as he looked up, she hit herself in the face with the thick astronomy book she'd been using to fan her face with.

'…Ouch,' she mumbled, rubbing her jaw.

Slytherin raised an eyebrow and, in mock confusion, said, 'Hang on, aren't you supposed to be hitting me in the face?'

'I would if I could, Slytherin, I really would,' Rowena scowled, taking a seat opposite him.

'Oh, come now Ravenclaw, that hurts. I'm only human. If you cut me, do I not bleed?'

'Do you want to find out?'

He grinned. 'Nought to insulting in less than five seconds, I think that's a new record.'

'Hooray,' she muttered, 'rejoice. Let's just get this over with, shall we?'

'Certainly. I'm only here to provide the brains of the operation.'

'On the one hand, I'm inclined to agree with you. On the other hand, go screw yourself.'

'As always, dear Ravenclaw, you're about as charming as rabbit faeces at the breakfast table.'

'Sorry, what did you say? I have a tendency to drift off while you're speaking. I think it's the boring drawl of your voice.'

'Sorry, what did you say? I tend to drift off while you're speaking. I think it's because you talk a load of utter crap.'

'No, it just sounds that way because you're so used tohearing yourself speak!'

'You know, Ravenclaw, you'd probably be better looking if you didn't rant so much.'

'You'd probably be better looking if you ran head-first into a wall!'

'Incredibly tempting. I see it worked wonders on you.'

'Just because I hold a biased opinion doesn't mean you're not an ignorant, rude, arrogant and irritating scumbag!'

Slytherin nodded in approval. 'Very good, Ravenclaw, you're improving.'

She waited for him to turn this into a further insult. He didn't.

'Oh,' she said, proudly, calmly down a touch, 'I am, aren't I? And I got the last word. That means I won.'

He grinned at her naivety. 'Not particularly. I have a few left over for next time I see you, whereas you're going to have to go back to your dormitory and think up a brand new tome of them.'

'Shut up,' said Rowena. She realised she may have just sacrificed her winner's position.

He shrugged. 'It'll make the homework more difficult, but I'm sure you can manage. You're nearly half an hour late as it is.'

'I had to rush.'

'Is that why you have a big wet patch on your thigh and your hair's a mess?'

'I had a stain on my dress. Grass stain,' she added quickly, seeing the amusement in his eyes, 'from sitting down at break time. And I'll thank you to not look at my thigh.'

'You're welcome. It's no problem of mine that you were late,' he said, giving her the same superior look she'd intended to give him upon arriving early, 'I quite like this library. Reminds me of home.'

Of course it did. She could all-too easily imagine him sitting here with a white cat on his lap, cackling maliciously between mumbles of "I've been expecting you, Meester Tiddles".

'Cold,' she mumbled, 'dark, harsh, draughty. Must be like a trip back inside the womb.'

He smirked, and picked his bag from the floor; evidently struggling as it was weighed down with books, bottles and parchment, but he didn't respond.

Rowena got the feeling that she may have just crawled back into first place.

'Did you bring this one?' he asked, withdrawing a book and determindley changing subject.

'Which?'

'The great big black bugger, I don't know what it's called.'

Rowena rolled her eyes and searched through her bag for a book similar to the one Slytherin had. She found it: a black, leather bound volume with several pages missing towards the end, and a slip of paper somewhere inside that marked the first time she and Helga had passed notes in class. At the bottom of the conversation was Professor Harper's signature, as he gave them both detentions. It was kept for sentimental reasons.

'Now,' said Slytherin, warningly, 'we're going to do this essay perfectly, got that? No drifting away from the point or drawing around the edges.'

'What do you take me for?'

'I've sat in behind you in potions for three years, Ravenclaw. I'm not willing to sacrifice my perfect potions mark for a conversation about how pretty Matthew Smith's hair is, or how stupid he is. Although he is rather stupid, now really isn't the time. I'm going to need a good grade from every one of these ridiculous lessons, unless I plan on getting cut off from father's money. Ha. Well, not charms, because frankly that's just a long streak of piss if ever there was one—'

He continued to speak, but Rowena stopped listening. Instead she stared, mouth slightly agape, directly into his eyes with a strange expression on her face.

'—but that's not the important—what?' he demanded, catching sight of this.

Rowena continued to gawp.

'Ravenclaw, stop gawping. You look like you're having some kind of fit.'

The gawping continued.

'Your eyes have gone weird. Are you…oh Gods, are you having a psychic episode?'

Rowena abruptly ceased gawping. She looked slightly surprised and slightly happy, as if a brilliant idea had just occurred to her.

'Slytherin,' she said, smile broadening, 'would you like to set up a school?'

'With you? Piss off.'

This was the kind of thing never mentioned in Hogwarts: A History.

The library suddenly a lot quieter than usual, as if the atmosphere held a bated breath, Rowena and Salazar stared at each other. In Slytherin's case, this was quite disbelievingly.

'You're joking, aren't you?'

'Not at all,' Rowena assured him.

'School…'

'Yes.'

'Founded…'

'Yes.'

'With you?'

'Oh, not just me. Helga too.'

Slytherin rolled his eyes and muttered, 'Oh, well then, that's convinced me. Deciding vote, she was.'

Rowena sat back in her chair, feeling silently delighted. She crossed her arms and smiled sweetly at him. This only served to infuriate him.

'Ravenclaw, you're concerning me.'

'You can argue all you like,' she grinned, 'you're still doing it.'

'I'm what? No, I never agreed to it. No, Ravenclaw, and stop looking at me like that! It's weird.'

Rowena laughed merrily.

'You've lost the plot, haven't you?' he demanded, determinedly avoiding her gaze. 'If you're so desperate to avoid doing potions homework with me, you can just say so and bugger off. There's no need to fake multiple head wounds so you can go to the infirmary—'

'There's nothing wrong with my head, thank you, and I'm more than capable of doing this essay on my own if necessary.'

'In which case, stop acting more delusional than you already are and find page two hundred and four.'

Rowena did so, though she continued to smile to herself delightedly. After a quarter of an hour working in near-silence, Slytherin snapped:

'For God's sake, woman, stop smiling like that. You're working with me, by rights you should have a sharp instrument at my jugular by now.'

Rowena beamed.

Another quarter of an hour later, Slytherin still wasn't happy.

'You look ridiculous with that grin.'

'Oh dear,' said Rowena.

'Like a really cheerful donkey.'

'Apologies.' She didn't stop smiling.

A further half an hour later, Slytherin threw his quill down and gave an exasperated sigh. 'Fine,' he said, 'we'll talk about it.'

Rowena clapped her hands in celebration and snapped her book closed.

'I haven't agreed,' he added hastily, the look of victory on her face worrying him, 'but if it'll stop you smiling like a weird pig in mud, we'll bloody talk about it, alright?'

'Agreed.'

Salazar sighed and waved a hand in her direction. 'Talk, then.'

Rowena drew a deep breath, before explaining, 'I've always wanted to have my own school but there's several things that could stop it coming to pass. You, Mr Slytherin, may be the answer to some of them.'

'…Right…' said Slytherin, obviously struggling to come to terms with things. 'And how is that, exactly?'

'You, me and Helga can be the school founders. All of us! Although there are several hundred – nay, thousand – things I'd rather do than voluntarily spend time with you — and to be fair, I'm sure you feel the same way — well, at least I know you.'

His eyebrows rose. 'Basically,' he summarised, the look of disbelief still etched on his face, 'I'm the best of the worst people you could ask to…start a school with?'

'Yes. Though you fulfil other requirements as well.'

'Such as?'

'Well, you're rich, aren't you?'

'Yes…'

'And you have the right equipment.'

'What equipment?'

'Trouser equipment.'

Salazar looked slightly startled. 'Ravenclaw, do you want me to found a school, or have sex with one?'

'Found one, preferably. Whatever else you do I'll leave up to your own discretion.'

Sighing, and looking very much like he feared her answer, he asked, 'Pray tell, Ravenclaw: why are the contents of my skivvies such a vital function in securing the success of a school?'

'It's got to be co-run by a man,' Rowena told him, and explained Helga's theory of male supremacy regarding school governing. Slytherin nodded slowly as she did. He still didn't seem to be buying into it.

'Mm-hmm,' he mm-hmm-ed, nodding again. Clearly humouring her, he asked, 'And how much do you think it would cost, exactly, for me to co-run the thing?'

Rowena shrugged, sticking out her chin determinedly. 'How much do you have?'

'Well, let's see…cost of castle, cost of equipment, cost of furnishings et cetera, plus other anonymous expenses…definitely not enough. There'd have to be at least two other rich gits putting the money forwards, and I know for a fact that's not going to be you and Hufflepuff. I've seen your houses.'

'But you're rich!' she insisted, ignoring the latter part of his statement. 'Stinking, filthy rich!'

'My family is "stinking, filthy"rich,' he corrected her, 'I just happen to be moderately well-off.'

'Couldn't you ask them for some—'

'No,' he said, firmly.

'Well…well, what do you suggest, you smug genius?' Rowena demanded, prodding him forcefully in the chest.

He looked down at her finger, seemingly amused by it. 'I suggest you stop coming up with such ridiculous ideas and bringing them to me. And then I suggest you stop poking my nipples. Dreams don't come true, Ravenclaw. You know that, don't you?'

'This one will,' she insisted, though her voice shook slightly, 'this one has to.'

'And what makes your case so different?'

'I…' she faltered and looked down at her hands for a second. Then she quickly looked up, and met him in the eye with a look so determined he jumped slightly.

'I saw it,' she said, 'are you happy now? I know it's going to happen because I've seen it.'

His sneer vanished for a second, but quickly returned. 'What are you talking about, Ravenclaw?'

'You know just now, before I put the idea forwards? Remember my eyes going funny and I couldn't look away from you?'

He shrugged and smiled. 'It's a common effect I have.'

'…Eugh, well, that's when I saw it.'

'Saw what?'

'The future! I saw the school, a dirty great castle on a hill, and you, me, Helga and…and some other people, I couldn't make them out. But we were there Slytherin! You were there! Everything looked fine to me. So I don't care how much you argue, because I know you'll yield eventually because I saw you there, so…' She stuck out her tongue and concluded, 'Neurgh.'

Any other day, Slytherin would have spent at least ten minutes mocking her "neurgh". Today, however, following the speech she'd just rattled off, he just stared ahead of him, eyebrows knotted in concentration. Rowena held her breath, not wanting to interrupt his flow of thoughts.

After a long pause, he said, 'You're lying, aren't you?'

'No,' said Rowena. 'You know my great-grandmother was a Seer, don't you?'

'Of course,' he mumbled, offended she was challenging his authority of peerage and ancestry. 'She was the only one in your area. I just wasn't sure you'd inherited anything.'

'Nothing but mild psychic abilities and a dazzling smile,' said Rowena, unable to resist the comment.

'I mean, there were all those rumours in third year when you claimed to have seen a kid with a lightening scar on his head…'

'I never understood that one, either.'

'…Hmm…' He sat up from his slouch and looked her in the eye once more. 'I'll think about it.'

'Wheee,' said Rowena, quietly.

'I'm only thinking, mind you. No promises.'

'Okay.'

'You do realise this is the most absurd idea in history, don't you?'

'Us working together? Yeah.'

'We'd need more people,' he said, and, upon seeing Rowena's delighted expression he added, 'If anything was to happen. IF. I'm only thinking about it.'

'Could you let me know by tonight?'

'Don't push it.'

Rowena didn't say another word about it, instead quietly resuming the writing of the potions essay. She still smiled to herself, though.

Poor Slytherin. A small part of her wanted to tell him she hadn't seen anything of the future since third year, which she put down to sheer fluke.

A larger part of her rejected this idea, and laughed.

Thursday morning presented a selection of emotions to Rowena. First came the shock of, Dear God, did I invite Slytherin? This was followed by regret: Oh God, I invited Slytherin. Then sadness: He's never going to say yes! Then happiness: Well, he practically said yes last night.

Then fear: Er, why's Elvina looking at me like that?

She was sat at the foot of her bed, fixing her with a venomous glare through narrowed eyes. Very slowly, she said, 'Hello, Bronwyn.'

'Er, hello, Elvina. Is some something wrong?'

'Don't play dumb with me, Ravenpaw. You know your guilt.'

'Ravenclaw, Elvina. Ravenclaw.'

'You know your guilt!' Elvina repeated, slightly hysterically, and inevitably ignoring her.

'Sorry,' she said, stifling a yawn, 'I just woke up. You're going to have to remind me.'

'Here's a hint: It rhymes with "dove vest".'

Rowena frowned in concentration, wondering what on earth a dove vest was and what could rhyme with it.

'Shove…pest?' she ventured.

'Love.'

'Love pest?'

'Nest.'

'Love nest? What? What are you talking about?'

'Love nest, Ravenclaw, love nest! Love nest, love nest, love nest!'

'Elvina, repeating it five times doesn't mean it makes more sense!'

'You!'

'Me?'

'Salazar!'

'Who?'

'Slytherin!'

'Oh,' she nodded in comprehension for a few seconds, before realising this still made absolutely no sense. 'Slytherin?'

'And you!'

'Look, Elvina, you've got to stop saying the same thing over and over again! If I didn't understand it the first time I'm hardly going to understand it the twelfth time unless you actually explain—'

'Explain? You want me to explain the dove vest?'

'You're doing it again!'

'Don't pretend you don't know!'

'I've no need to pretend!'

Elvina scowled and inched further towards Rowena, who cowered behind a pillow for protection. 'Oh, I know,' she seethed, nodding slowly, 'I know all about you and Salazar, setting up a little love nest together on a hill. In a castle. I can't understand it! Why would he fancy you?'

Rowena sighed, very annoyed at how impossible it was to have secrets in the school. 'Elvina, we're not — hang on, why wouldn't he fancy me? No! Forget it, that's beside the point. We are most certainly not buying a love nest together, alright? How did you hear that anyway?'

Elvina didn't seem to be buying into her denial. 'News travels fast when I'm stood behind the bookshelf, spying.'

'Oh. Yes, I think I've heard that saying.' She narrowed her eyes. 'Why were you spying on me?'

She wrinkled her nose in distaste and replied, 'You? Not likely, Bronwyn. I was watching my Salazar, making sure he didn't fall into the arms of a licentious hussy like you!'

'He—you—what?—I'm the licentious hussy around here?'

Elvina sniffed, slipping back into her snubbed admirer act. 'You can do whatever you want Bronwyn; nothing can bring Salazar back to me.'

'But – but you never went out with him!'

'Don't rub it in, you impious lady of the night!'

'Hey!'

'Oh, what could have been!'

'Please.'

'Woe!'

'Elvina.'

'Pain!'

'Shut.'

'Sorrow!'

'Up!'

'What?'

Rowena sighed and crawled out of bed, all the while watched by the glaring eyes of Elvina. 'Look,' she said, pacing the room in exasperation, 'I have no intention of living with Slytherin for the rest of my life, and as far as I can tell he feels the same way about you.'

'Gasp! You wanton—'

'Sorry to disappoint you, but there it is. While we're on the subject, Crispin Lightfoot is a complete tit and he walks like a duck. I was merely asking Slytherin if he'd like to provide the finances to set up a school with me and Helga, to which I haven't received any reply. If you want to get into his skivvies, go ahead; you have my permission, if not that of the man himself.'

Elvina's hands twitched slightly; Rowena suspected she was fighting the urge to wring her neck.

'Oh,' she gasped, at long last, voice shaking with fury, 'a school, you say?'

'Yes – for young witches and wizards.'

'A school that holds you as a headmistress and Salazar as the treasurer? Will it be a school for training scarlet women of negotiable affection?

'I really wish you'd stop implying I was a prostitute—'

'Funny how you failed to invite the people actually richer than Salazar and went straight to him, isn't it? Your so-called "worst enemy", hmm? Even I'm richer than him! Lots of people are richer than him, but no, you go straight to Salazar like you're his best friend in the world, you impure lady of loose morals and sinful—'

'Do you want to help?'

'Yes!'

It wasn't until Elvina had left the dormitory some fifteen minutes later, Rowena silently cursing her as she left, that Samuel cascaded through the window, dispersing her things across the room and dropping a rolled-up note on her lap.

Still haunted by the joyous cries of Elvina as she skipped around the room ("Oh Bronwyn, it'll be so fun, you and me in a castle together for even more years and years and years! And my Salazar will be there too! Won't it be wonderful? And if you ever wanted to leave the school to never return, well…"), Rowena was hesitant to open the letter at first. Right now, she couldn't stand to even look at the girl's squeaky handwriting.

However, with a slight smile that turned into an annoyed frown, she saw the writing was actually that of Slytherin.

The note read:

FINE I'll do it, Goddamn you, rancorous she-devil.

Yours,

SS

Rowena sighed. They probably wouldn't include this part in Hogwarts: A History, either.