Chapter 21: All I want to do is cry and scream.
Once Saber left to go back to searching for the cure to save me, I soon fell back to sleep. I awakened in the pitch-black darkness. The black abyss that only exits within my mind. I looked around and thought I was alone.
But I was not alone.
"The time is finally right for us to meet again, don't you agree, Ayaka Sajyou?" A familiar voice belonging to a certain white mage echoed throughout my mind. I was well acquainted with this person due to me meeting her on a handful of occasions.
"Show yourself Merlin." I demanded.
"Haah…you are one heck of a mood killer, you know that?" The voice echoed once more and then…
'Poof!' Merlin appeared.
"There. Happy now?" Merlin asked.
"Where the heck have you been?!" I shouted.
"Ha. Now what have I done to receive this treatment from you?" Merlin asked with a smirk.
"You know damn well! Don't you remember what you said?!" I asked.
"I've said a lot of things to many different people. You're going to have to refresh my memory if you want an answer." Merlin replied.
"If that is what it takes fine then! You said-" I spoke and paused for a second.
'Then what about the truth of what happened to your sister?'
"That's what you said! So, tell me! Tell me what really happened to Onee-chan!" I demanded at the top of my fake lungs as I was inside my mind.
"Oh, that! I remember now! Thanks for jogging my memory!" Merlin replied with a smile that was so fake.
"So, are you going to tell me or not?" I asked.
"Are you sure about that? You may come to regret this choice." Merlin warned.
Is this really what I want?
'What if I told you that was a lie?'
No. The only way to eradicate that lie…
'…We were never real sisters, to begin with.'
…Is to learn of the truth! No matter how horrible that truth is!
"Yes. This is what I want." I replied.
"No. 'Wanting' is not enough. You have to wish for it. That's the only way you're going to remember what you saw." Merlin declared. I saw something? What is she talking about? No. That doesn't matter right now because the truth will soon be revealed. All I have to do is-
"Yes. I wish to know what really happened to Onee-chan." I spoke with resolve.
"Ha…" Merlin chuckled and then…
"…Then you shall know everything of what happened to her at the very end of the first Holy Grail War." Merlin declared as she snapped her fingers and then she vanished. And what happened next…
'…Ah.' I gasped internally. Where am I? Is this…a cave? I'll try turning around-
'STAB!' A sword pierced Onee-chan.
Huh?
'Drip. Drip. Drip.' Blood dripped down from the wound in her chest.
What the hell is this?
And the person who pierced her chest…the person who killed her was…
…Saber.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as my eyes opened. However, I wasn't screaming out of pain. I was screaming out of sorrow.
I wanted to reject what I saw. But I couldn't. I literally saw Saber's sword, Excalibur pierce my Onee-chan with my own eyes. It couldn't have been an illusion because Merlin showed it to me. And what she has always shown me has been the truth. So that means…it was…
"It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber. It was Saber." I repeated those words over and over as tears dripped from my eyes. I now realized at this moment that…
Saber.
Lied.
To.
Me.
"…" I breathed in and out as I brushed the tears off of my eyes, but they were still most definitely stained with tears.
"By my command spell…" I spoke as my upper chest lit off a bright red light and then…
"…I order you to return here. Saber." I finished as my second command spell vanished, leaving me with only one. But that didn't matter to me. Not anymore. From now on, I'm done being his Master. I'm done participating in the Holy Grail War.
'Whoosh!' A gust of wind swirled throughout the center of the room until-
"Ah." Saber gasped as he was definitely caught off guard by the sudden teleportation. Not like I care what he feels anymore.
"Saber…" I muttered as he turned around.
"…Why?" I asked as our eyes met.
"…Why did you kill Onee-chan?" I asked as I stared at the knight with eyes as cold as ice.
"…" Saber was speechless. No words were coming out of throat. Fine. I'll press harder.
"I remember now. I was there in that cave when you killed her. I saw it with my own eyes." I explained.
"…" Saber couldn't respond. No. He was choosing not to.
"Tch." I clicked my tongue.
"Why did you do it?! Answer me, Saber!" I demanded.
"I-I had no choice." Saber muttered.
"Choice?! NO! You made a choice! That choice was to kill Onee-chan!" I snapped back.
"I-It was the only way t-" Saber spoke but I cut him off before he could finish.
"The only way?! So, you are refusing to take responsibility for killing my sister! Is that it?!" I snapped back.
"Ayaka…you don't understand." Saber replied. I-I-I-
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND?! WHAT?! WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND?! TELL ME SABER!" I shouted back.
"I didn't intend to lie to you!" Saber spoke.
Lies.
"I didn't know how to tell you!" Saber continued.
Lies. Lies! LIES!
I was afraid that you would lose the will to live!" Saber finished.
"YOU LIAR!" I roared at the top of my lungs as even Saber was caught off guard by my sudden burst of anger.
"S-She was…" Saber spoke but stopped mid-sentence.
"If you don't tell me why you killed my sister, then I will use my last command spell to force you too." I declared.
"I-I killed her…in order…to save the world." Saber admitted.
"Get out of here." I muttered.
"Ayaka! Please allow me to explain myself prop-" Saber spoke only for me to cut him off again.
"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" I snapped back at the top of my lungs.
"I-I refuse." Saber refused.
"You know what you are? You were never a hero. You are just a murderer." I replied.
"…" Saber bit his lip so hard that it bled.
"You know what? I hope that this poison ends up killing me, so you won't be able to obtain your true wish." I spoke.
"My wish has only been to save y-" Saber spoke but I cut him off once more.
"ENOUGH WITH THE LIES! YOU HAVE NEVER ONCE FOUGHT TO SAVE ME! I KNOW WHAT YOUR TRUE WISH IS! YOUR TRUE WISH WAS TO BETRAY ME AT THE LAST SECOND AND KILL ME SO THAT YOU COULD HAVE THE GRAIL ALL TO YOURSELF!" I declared.
"P-Please that that back." Saber begged with tears in his eyes.
"Just get out of here already, murderer." I replied as I grabbed the covers and pulled them over me so that I wouldn't ever have to look at him or anyone again. I'm done. I'm not going to try and win the grail for Onee-chan if it means that I'll die just like she did. I'm done with life.
I just want to die.
"I'm sorry." Saber apologized as he left the room.
'Creak.' The door was shut. Now and forevermore, I will be alone. So hopefully I don't have to be alive for much longer.
"Meow, meow!" Bern meowed as she got on the bed. I haven't seen her in a while. Not like I care anymore. I'm done caring about anyone any-
"Meow! Meow! Meow!" Bern meowed even louder until-
"Cut it out already!" I yelled.
"Go to sleep." Bern replied and before I knew it, I was asleep.
'Where am I?' I thought internally as I looked around. It was the cave from earlier. But why am I here a-
"Why?! Why did you kill Father, Onee-chan?!" Younger me asked as I noticed both her and Manaka, the latter of which was stained bright red by blood. And the corpse below her that belongs to…
…Father.
"You don't understand anything do you?" Manaka asked.
No! This can't be real! This can't be real! This can't be real!
"You see, our father was trying to kill me. So, I killed him in order to save myself. It was just self-defense." Manaka replied with a smile.
What the hell is this?! What the hell is this?! What the hell is this?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
"And now…" Manaka spoke but paused for a second.
STOP THIS! STOP THIS! STOP THIS! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
"…I'm going to kill you too, Aya~chan." Manaka replied with a sadistic smile.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' I screamed at the top of my fake lungs as the world shattered around me like glass. I then returned to the black abyss. I couldn't move. No. I chose not to move a muscle.
'T-That had to be a lie.' I muttered to myself.
"It was not a lie." A voice echoed throughout my mind. It sounded strangely familiar.
"That's right." The voice continued as it materialized into a physical form. It was a small girl with purple hair, she wore a maid-outfit, and she had a tail. This was-
'Ha. Me? I'm nothing more than a traveler.'
'This person.' I thought internally as I still had no clue what her name actually was.
"My name doesn't matter. What matters is that now you know what you witnessed was not a lie, don't you, Ayaka Sajyou?" The purple-haired girl asked. It was…true. That memory…along with the one about Saber killing Onee-chan…both were true.
"That's right. And if they were both true then that can only mean one thing. Ever since that night that ended the first grail war, Saber was fighting to save you." The girl declared.
'Saber…why? Why did you kill Onee-chan? I remember now. I was there in that cave when you killed her. I saw it with my own eyes. Tch. Why did you do it?! Answer me, Saber! Choice?! NO! You made a choice! That choice was to kill Onee-chan! The only way?! So, you are refusing to take responsibility for killing my sister! Is that it?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND?! WHAT?! WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND?! TELL ME SABER! YOU LIAR! If you don't tell me why you killed my sister, then I will use my last command spell to force you too. Get out here. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! You know what you are? You were never a hero. You are just a murderer. You know what? I hope that this poison ends up killing me, so you won't be able to obtain your true wish. ENOUGH WITH THE LIES! YOU HAVE NEVER ONCE FOUGHT TO SAVE ME! I KNOW WHAT YOUR TRUE WISH IS! YOUR TRUE WISH WAS TO BETRAY ME AT THE LAST SECOND AND KILL ME SO THAT YOU COULD HAVE THE GRAIL ALL TO YOURSELF!'
All of the horrible things I said to Saber hit me like a truck and I-
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' I screamed at the top of my fake lungs as even the black void shattered around me like glass until-
'Just get out of here already, murderer.'
"-" I opened my eyes and screamed. Except, that was wrong. I wasn't screaming. No. I couldn't scream.
W-What? Why can't I-
'…This will continue until the body is completely paralyzed. And then…death.'
All I want to do is apologize to Saber. I must apologize to Saber! B-But it's no use. I can't move anymore. I can't scream anymore. I can't even cry anymore. Soon what I wished for will come true…
'You know what? I hope that this poison ends up killing me, so you won't be able to obtain your true wish.'
…Soon I will…
'I'm happy for you. I believe that it's ok for people to have a few regrets. But when their lives end, they should have come to terms with them. Thus, having no regrets left to speak of. At least that's what I believe in.'
…die and be left with nothing but regrets.