Chapter Twenty-One
Struggling
I sit at the Slytherin table, pushing my food around on my plate. I have no appetite, my presence here merely an act to throw suspicion from me. I pay no attention to my friends babbling around me, their conversations of no interest to me. It always bothers me that Emily isn't around. She's been avoiding me, her absence causing a constant ache. I wish I could solve whatever battle she is fighting with herself, assuring her of my love and my loyalty. Emily walks into the Great Hall, looking hurt, tired and sad. I want to stay, to be in her presence, but I don't want to cause her anymore pain. So, I get up and leave, returning to the Slytherin Common Room. I take a seat on one of the leather sofas, staring at the fireplace. In Charms today I sensed the darkness within her, taking over like it did me. The weakness I feel is present in her too.
We're both wearing the evidence of our rift physically, the pale skin and dark under eye circles telling a story of heartbreak. I need to fix this, but how I'm not entirely sure. I just want to run away with Emily, away from all that is trying to rip us apart. Without warning, distress and anguish fills me and it feels like a kick in the guts. The pain is agonising, my heart breaking. I sit up alarmed, the tumultuous emotions building inside me makes my head spin. Emily, I think, looking around. She is nowhere to be seen. As abruptly as the feelings erupted within me, Snape appears by my side, pulling me from my search for Emily, the look of worry in his dark gaze, alarming.
I stand immediately; no words needed. That look means only one thing, Emily is in trouble. Without a word, I follow Snape as he leads me through the dungeon corridors towards his office. He pushes open the door to what I can only describe as pure chaos. Paper and broken glass litters the floor, the desk and chairs blown in different directions. It's like an explosion occurred. The powerful surge I felt moments ago, explaining the scene in front of me. In the middle of the mess sits Emily, hunched over, her nails digging into the ground. I know immediately why Snape has come to get me. Around Emily is a golden shimmer, her Deflection creating a force field around her.
The shield around her is solid gold, unlike I've ever seen before. No one but me can push through it. I'm not sure I can, the size and colour of it different. The strong emotions she's experiencing causing her powers to surge. Not caring that the shield around her might hurt me, I reach through. There is a little push back, but I refuse to let it stop me. The sight of Emily fighting to catch her breath, gives me the push I need. I force my way through her power of Deflection, managing to get to her. I reach out, wrapping my arms around her, pulling her towards me. She fights against my grip, but I refuse to let her go. After a moment, she gives in and leans against my chest, crying loudly. I hold her tightly, resting my forehead against her back, allowing her to be vulnerable. Emily's cries eventually quiet, and her body stops shaking.
She sags in my arms, leaning her head back against my shoulder, the closeness between us familiar. I kiss the side of her head, lingering. Emily rests her hands on my forearms, relaxing into me, drawing from me the support she needs at this moment. I just hold her, letting her take from me what she needs. Sitting here with her, our argument from a week ago is frivolous. I love Emily, and it's not the bond that's made me love her. No, it is Emily. I fell in love with her because of who she is, not because of some fate neither of us have any control over. Snape had long ago left the room, leaving me and Emily alone, sitting amongst the mess her grief created. Somewhere between her sobs the shimmer around her has faded and eventually it disappeared.
The candles flicker and burn out, indicating that we've been in Snape's office for hours, curfew already in place. Emily's breathing slows, asleep in my arms. The position we are in is not comfortable for either of us, but I'm not going to disturb her. Not when she is finally calm and settled. Just as my legs are starting to go numb, Snape shows up. Without so much as a word, he flicks his wand and the glass and papers vanish, and a mattress, pillows and a blanket appear next to us. He leaves as abruptly as he entered, the room dark. I move gingerly, not wanting to wake Emily. Ever so slowly I manage to get her on the mattress, and settled. I lay down beside her, wrapping my arm around her waist, drawing her closer. Even fast asleep, Emily melts into my touch, a sigh slipping from her lips.
I wake the next morning to find Emily gone. I roll onto my back, and give a sigh of frustration. I had hoped that last night would start to rebuild what we've lost, but it didn't. Emily feels further away from me than before, her anguish has left a permanent mark on my soul. During the night I had glimpses of Emily's thoughts, emotions and dreams. It was a new experience, never have I been able to connect to her on that level. Our connection is growing, whether we like it or not. It is getting stronger, the barrier between us broken. We can no longer hide from each other. I'm certain she too would be able to connect to me like I did to her last night. I get up, fold the blanket and place the pillows in a neat pile on the mattress. I head to the Slytherin dormitories, getting ready for the day. The last thing I want to do is go to class, the distance between myself and Emily weighing heavy on me. I have so much on my plate, and yet all I want is to hold Emily.
I'm so close to getting the bloody cabinet to work, but I'm too distracted by what is happening with Emily. I felt the pain inside her last night, and that could only mean one thing. She lost someone she loves. Her dreams were preoccupied by me and Caleb. Her sadness growing whenever he appeared in her dreams. I realize that the person she lost is Caleb. Once dressed, I go to find Professor Snape, needing to talk to him. He is in his office, sitting behind his desk. The evidence of Emily's breakdown no longer visible, the mattress, blanket and pillows gone. "How are you, Mr. Malfoy?" Professor Snape says, his voice grave. It is the only indication that he too is privy to Emily's despair. It is easy to forget that they are related. "Could I ask you a question, sir?" I say, sitting down and dropping my bag on the floor. Professor Snape looks up from the essay he is marking, his eyes dark.
"How's your task going?" he says, leaning back in his chair, his hands steepled. "It's on schedule," I answer, crossing my arms over my chest. I didn't miss him changing the topic. I'm not here to discuss me or the task; I'm here to talk about Emily. Professor Snape studies me with his dark eyes, looking less than impressed with my visit to his office. "I promised your mother I would keep you safe," he meets my grey gaze. "Don't mistake my promise for loyalty to your family, my loyalty solely lies with Miss Ashe," Professor Snape concludes, returning to grading essays. "I'm not here to discuss the task," I push, refusing to leave here without getting what I want. "I know, and I'm not interested in discussing Miss Ashe with you," Professor Snape says without looking at me. His annoyance is evident in the rigidness of his shoulders.
Emily's right, he is a closed book. "Emily's in pain and I can't help her if I don't know what's causing it," I snap, my patience wearing thin. My emotions are an exposed flame, ready to ignite and set everything around me ablaze. Professor Snape rolls up the parchment in front of him, looking up, our eyes meeting. He studies me once more, the look in his black eyes telling me that I'm an idiot. I feel affronted, "I'm not the only reason for the pain she is experiencing," I say hastily. Professor Snape nods, accepting that I'm not going to leave without being told what has broken Emily's heart and soul. Professor Snape sighs, a first in my presence, changing my view of the man I have come to know over the last six years. "Caleb died protecting Elizabeth Ashe," Professor Snape says, the grief he's suffering clear in the depth of his eyes, and the barely there shake in his voice. The pain and despair I felt from Emily is because she lost her best friend.
"Hugo has been arrested and is currently in Azkaban, and Elizabeth is in hiding," Professor Snape explains, information he thinks I need to know. I nod, understanding the agony that Emily's experiencing. Professor Snape's black eyes never leaves my face, those eyes threatening to penetrate my soul and discover all the dark insecurities I try so hard to hide. Insecurities that Emily knows about and still chose to love me. I vow that no matter what, I would not lose the love of my life. "It's no secret that I am struggling to support this union between you and Emily," Professor Snape shares, his black eyes looking at me disapprovingly. Not a first for me, I know that look very well, my father often disapproving of me. "Yet your futures are tied together, and therefore, I have no choice but to support you both moving forward, do not make me regret it," Professor Snape says, reaching for another parchment, his attention returning to the task at hand, grading our essays. With that I'm effectively dismissed. Without a word I stand, pick up my bag, and leave his office.