A/N: This is my own interpretation of the "It's not for me. It's never for me anymore." line as well as the whole Shay/Rafferty texting situation. It turned out a little different than I had originally planned but I actually really like where it ended up. Also, I rewatched eps 2x11-2x17 like 3 times each to get specific moments as accurate as possible so if you're not sure if something actually happened on screen or not just ask. Hope you enjoy!
It starts the night of the blackout.
You're walking through the firehouse on your way back to the ambulance when your phone buzzes in your pocket. You're not sure what you were expecting but it certainly wasn't a photo from Rafferty; apparently there is quite an interesting argument going on just outside the ambo right now and she doesn't think you should miss it. Unfortunately Herrmann swoops in just as you get another picture so you do your best to pretend you're paying attention and hope for a speedy getaway.
You think you're in the clear when the doors to the garage finally come into sight, but before you can slip through them Detective Lindsay shows up and you're on your way back into the heart of the station. It's no surprise when you get another text a few minutes later with nothing but a frowny face.
The texts come few and far between after that despite the fact that you seem to be getting closer, and when Rafferty tells you she needs time, a part of you thinks she isn't just talking about time away from the job. It could be, you think, that she also needs time away from you. And you understand. You know how hard it can be to let someone in when all you've been able to feel is loss.
Your theory goes bust, however, the day after she leaves the firehouse.
Today is the day you and the rest of 51 are headed over to present the finished library, and with Dawson on a gimp leg you're kind of the last paramedic standing. You know you can't handle the medic table by yourself so you shoot Rafferty a text and all the worry you'd had over her needing time away from you is gone with a simple "I'll be there." It helps, too, that when she shows up - work clothes and all - she gives you a bright smile and a tight hug.
And later, when she asks what you're doing tonight, you manage to convince her to join everyone at Molly's with a few well-placed pouts and sad faces.
Getting shot at shakes you up more than you're willing to admit but no one seems overly concerned about your well-being. Maybe it's because you're alive and well and standing unscathed right in front of them but you still want someone to acknowledge that you might not be as okay as you look. You're halfway through a text to Rafferty, because at least she would understand, when Jones whips out her penis cake. You're a little disgusted at first but quickly find the humor in it and you decide Rafferty would probably rather hear about this than the almost-getting-shot thing anyway.
You end up telling her later, though, kind of by accident. You're at Molly's with the rest of 51 for Dawson's Tapas Night and Herrmann's anniversary and you really can't resist giving Rafferty a play-by-play of what's going on. You don't think about it when you casually mention that Ramsey, the guy who helped you and Dawson not get shot, is creeping on your friend and she reacts instantly. Your phone is suddenly bombarded with texts asking if you're okay and what happened and it feels good to know someone cares. When she asks again if you're sure you're okay you tell her you're fine and you really mean it. You wish you'd told her sooner.
You text even more often now. After the whole shooting thing Rafferty made you promise to keep her in the loop and you've taken to updating her after every call, even when it's routine. You think she must be bored since she always responds, and quickly at that. It's a nice change of pace from everything that's been going on lately. And you don't just mean at work. Kelly's had his sister to deal with and Dawson's been dealing with both Casey and the fire academy stuff and you've just been sitting on the sidelines watching your friends' lives unfold. It's why you've been hanging out with Clarke so much, and that's been good, but he's not great at girl talk.
You try to be discreet about it.
Your texting is friendly banter mostly, well, as friendly as the two of you get, but it's becoming a more regular occurrence and you're starting to wonder if anyone has noticed how often you're on your phone. You also wonder if anyone has noticed that you don't pull it out every time you feel it vibrate against your leg - even when you know other people can hear it buzzing - and you wonder if they know you're only feigning disinterest.
So it's out of habit that you check your phone when Kelly's rings, even though it's not even your ringtone, and you tell him, "It's not mine" just to make it more obvious. You do a double take before returning your phone to your pocket, the screen lighting up with an incoming text, but you see it's Rafferty and decide to save it 'til later in favor of pressing your roommate about his relationship with Lindsay.
Unfortunately for you, Severide's lovelife is not the only one in need of your attention. Mouch voicing his desire for your assistance isn't entirely out of the blue - you'd heard the boys talking about how he'd been dumped - but you'd be lying if you said you expected it, especially since you're really not that close. He springs it on you while you're texting Rafferty about the fire and while you avoid giving him a straight-up answer you tell Rafferty about it as soon as you're clear. Thankfully it lightens the mood a bit, she seems just as amused as you do by the whole situation, and you let yourself smile when she offers her assistance.
Your good mood doesn't last though. The act of cleaning out the rig brings back the somber memories of the morning and thinking about how those kids lost their father is bad enough on it's own, but when Ramsey's voice comes echoing from the ambo's radio you take it as a sign that things are only going to get worse. And they do. You've already got your phone out to give Rafferty a "Dawson's stalker" update when Dawson's phone starts ringing. You make an offhanded comment about it never being for you anymore thinking maybe you'll get a rise out of her since you know she's noticed how attached to your phone you've been lately but she just brushes you off. When you realize it's Ramsey on the phone, you can't really fault her for her mind being elsewhere.
It's a couple shifts later when you finally come up with a solution to Mouch's situation. You'd spent a good deal of time going over options with Rafferty and hadn't really come up with anything beyond jokes at Mouch's expense and speculating about his age, but after talking it over with a few other friends, Kendra had finally given you an idea you agreed with.
As it turns out, Mouch is not as old as you think he is and the suggestion of "golden-oldies dot com" literally gets thrown back in your face, the paper you'd written it on bouncing off of you and into your lap. You waste no time sharing the results with Rafferty and laugh out loud when she asks, "Well how old is he then?".
No one says a word, though, despite you being glued to your phone all day, and you realize you're kind of fit to burst. You feel like a five year old; you've got this new thing that is so shiny and so awesome and all you want to do is talk about it. But you're not five, so you keep your mouth shut instead. And you wonder why that is exactly, why you're so afraid to tap Dawson on the shoulder and show her the picture Rafferty just sent that's got you smiling like a fool.
Maybe it's because you're not actually five. There's this thing about little kids where they don't have a filter, they don't yet understand shame. If a five year old likes something, they're damn well gonna tell you about it whether you want them to or not. Adults though, well, adults don't have that luxury. What adults do have is an incessant need to be right. No matter what your opinion is someone is going to tell you it's wrong and that, you've discovered, is why you're so reluctant to share.
Yes, you're happier than you've been in a while and you've got no reason to feel bad about that but you worry that maybe you're a little too happy. You could start dropping Rafferty's name into casual conversation but after going weeks without bringing her up even that feels too forced and you're convinced the first words out of someone's mouth are going to be "You still talk to her? I thought you guys hated each other."
Even worse is the thought that someone might mistake your excitement for something more and tell you to slow it down before you go and get yourself hurt. And okay, maybe you're becoming a little too attached to your former partner but it's not like anyone else has made much of an effort with you recently, friendly or otherwise.
That's why, at the end of the day, when everyone else is unwinding at Molly's, you're sitting on Rafferty's couch, a bottle of wine between you and the entirety of Netflix at your fingertips. Because it may be that you haven't known her all that long and it may be just the thrill of something new, and hell, you might be willing to admit you're kinda falling for her a little bit, but tonight you're the most at peace with the world you've been in a long time and you know for sure that she's the reason why.