Top Ten Helpful Hints for Writing a Mission Report

Since many of you end up writing mission reports detailing your exploits off world, we as the senior staff felt it necessary to put out some helpful hints to use when writing. We know that you don't want to go into every nitty-gritty detail for what happened out there—whether to keep yourself or someone else out of trouble or are just plain lazy. So, we've compiled some tips and tricks for writing abbreviated mission reports that will fool anyone that doesn't know what you are talking about. Cheers! –Senior Staff—

10. "Less is more." The key is to explain what happened in as few words as possible. Nobody wants to read a twenty-page, in-depth analysis of your babysitting mission to another backwater planet where you guarded Dr. Whoever for four hours while they studied the local flora. Just cover the main points and be done with it—this also saves paper. You don't want to be a tree killer now do you?

9. "Be Nice." There is absolutely no need to place blame on other team members for stupid things they might have done on a mission. There are a few exceptions, like blowing up an entire solar system for example. Certainly, the person responsible for such a grandiose faux pas should be acknowledged, but BE KIND about it. Revision by Dr. McKay: "Five-sixths of a solar system!" Can't you let that go already Colonel? I said I was sorry!

8. "Be Modest." Please do NOT try and beef up your actions to put yourself in a better light. Atlantis already has a few too many cases of large egos. We don't need another self-serving mission fantasy writing participant out there. These are supposed to be nonfiction writings remember?

7. Being thorough is all well and good, but we don't need to know every time someone blinked or went to the bathroom. Keep it relevant people. Remember rule 10.

6. "And I practically died from a giant spear to the ass." Please try to use correct terminology when writing your reports. The correct way to phrase this would be, "And I sustained a minor injury from a protruding arrow to my gluteus maximus." Revision by Dr. McKay: Colonel, STOP IT. That was a severe injury. I couldn't sit down for a week! (Yeah, I'm sure it was a "real" pain in the ass Rodney.)

5. "Don't leave out important details." If you happened to make some wonderful discovery, share it! Don't think that asking for a science team to come back and investigate further will diminish your "glory." The whole point of this expedition is to learn things right? Besides, we know what happened from the post-mission briefing, so leaving things out only makes more paperwork for you later. Now if you happened to fall down a hole and ripped your pants, while that is amusing, it's not necessarily what we call "important."

4. "Know your audience." Come on, you DID pass high school English right? (This is mostly for you science folk.) Please do NOT use all the scientific babbledygook when a simple explanation will suffice. Nobody but other geeks really understand what you are saying. How do you expect the IOA to approve research if they can't understand what it's all about? That's just asking for a longer wait and more red tape while they try to decipher your work. Revision by Dr. McKay: Just because the military doesn't have the brain cells to understand it, doesn't mean you shouldn't be thorough. Don't dumb it down just for them! They're just lazy.

3. Use good grammar. "We was going herr" ain gonna fly herr. Got me? It's called "Spelling and Grammar" check for a reason. Don't you all notice the little red and green squiggly lines under things? Revision by Dr. McKay: Even Conan learned to write them and he's not even from our galaxy. Your pathetic and botched attempts aren't going to cut it people. it's annoying and lazy!

2. "Everyone made it out okay for the most part. Only a couple little scratches here and there." Sure, understatement is a strategy used in writing, but please everyone knows what "I'm fine" really means. Death, dying ill or loosing copious amounts of blood is bad. Can't kid a kidder guys! Well, maybe the IOA……

1. TURN THEM IN ON TIME! Please don't make us sic Ronon on you to hunt down your missing mission report. Let's be proactive people. Now, if the city is in turmoil and we're about to die, then it can wait a bit. Or if you are bedridden in the infirmary with some problem then it can wait too. Revision by Dr. McKay: So what's your excuse Sheppard? I didn't think stupidity was a life-threatening condition..(I turn my stuff in. Eventually. I've been a little busy lately.)

--Hopefully, by keeping these in mind mission reports will go smoother for everyone; easier for you to write and easier for us to read!--

(Author's Note: Sorry guys, I was sick all last week and didn't get much of anything done. Hope you didn't mind the wait too much.)