Chapter 7: Where Will You Go?
N/A: Thanks for the review, did you say lightswitch! I worked really hard to make Peter a decent person in this fic. As soon as I'm done with this, I'm going to type up Peter's Story, so definitely check that out. Peter is an extremely likeable person in this chapter as well.
Quick disclaimer: While writing this, I kind of used Voldemort as a catalyst, as well as a symbol of greed. Why might he enjoy dabbling in teenage drama? First of all, I tried to imagine him in the beginning…perhaps a little more manipulative in terms of getting people on his side. Secondly, he's Lord Voldemort. He can do whatever the fuck he wants.
ON WITH THE FIC!
After that night, everything was different. Sirius and Remus were no longer on speaking terms and James and Peter seemed a bit distant from each other. Sirius had been talking to Peter more and was closer to him as opposed to James. Everyone knew the reason behind that: Severus.
James immediately had walked up to Sirius and said, "Please tell me this isn't true."
"I don't want to lie anymore." Sirius replied.
James was silent, and after that, their friendship seemed to darken. James began talking to Remus more and became more focused on his relationship with Lily. Sirius couldn't help but think there was something strange in their relationship, something seemed very insincere about it, but Sirius couldn't put a finger on it.
Peter really began to open up to Sirius, and he quickly learned that there was so much more to this boy than what he had slowly gathered in the past five years. The crying Sirius used to hear at night was Peter. He was incredibly insecure and had very low self esteem. He constantly worried if today would be his last.
"Why do you think you'll die, Pete?" Sirius always asked.
The response was the same every time. "I just do. I'm going to die with no one who loves me. Not even you, Sirius." He said sadly.
Sirius looked sad. "Peter, you've been such a great help to me this past month. I'd never imagine myself without a good friend like you."
Peter looked down. "You don't mean that."
"Of course I do!" Sirius replied.
So they continued talking and learning more about each other, but Sirius couldn't figure out why he felt as if Peter was holding something back. He'd glance at Peter sometimes and he'd notice a look of exhaustion, as if something had been draining his energy. At times, he disappeared, but Sirius did too, and neither of them asked the other about it.
Sirius turned into "Orion" every few days to see Severus. In human form, they couldn't look each other in the eye. No more fights were in the hallways, no more drawings of Severus falling off his broomstick taped to the walls. The students figured that James was doing all of this for Lily; they knew how much she hated it when James cursed Severus.
Severus had grown incredibly attached to Orion. Sirius learned that Severus was now going to Death Eater meetings, and piles of people were coming from around the world to join this Voldemort man. Severus only mentioned a few names, including Bellatrix and Regulus. He had told Orion about Sirius and his feelings for him. Sirius had half the mind to change into his human form right then and there.
But he couldn't. It would cause devastation and much embarrassment to the both of them. Sirius remembered at how Severus had described the night they had sex. "It was perfect." Severus had said. "And then, it fell down faster than you could say, 'I love you.' We screwed ourselves over,a nd now we can't even look at each other."
Sirius refused to pursue anything with Severus, because of Remus; to prove to him that he wasn't the horny little prat Remus thought he was. But Remus wouldn't pursue anything with Sirius, because he wanted Sirius to make the first move.
So all three boys were stubborn.
"Attention Hogwarts students" Dumbledore said, clapping his hands several times. "This upcoming Easter holiday, we will be having a ball."
There was a murmur from the crowd and a few giggles from the girls. A few boys looked uncertainly at each other.
Dumbledore waited until everyone was silent. "The ball will be open to fourth years and above. However, if a younger student wishes to attend, they must find a partner that meets the age requirements. First through third years will have free time, but will be required to stay within limits on Hogwarts grounds."
Sirius looked at Peter in shock. "Not a ball." He groaned.
Peter smiled. "At least we know you'll get a date."
"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, hopeful that he knew something about Remus.
Peter glanced at a group of Ravenclaws giggling at Sirius. Sirius glanced at them, turned back to Peter, and said, "Um hello? I'm gay."
Peter's face fell. "Oh yeah. Well, you could ask Remus." He said slowly, glancing at Sirius.
"He'd say no." Sirius answered.
"And how do you know that?"
"I just do."
Just then, a fifth year Hufflepuff girl named LeAnne Brown walked up to them. "Hey Peter, do you – erm – want to go to the ball with me?"
Peter grinned. "Sure. Aren't you in Chess Club?"
She smiled. "Yeah, I am. I've seen you there several times. Where have you been?"
"Around." He replied quickly.
"Well, do you want to go to the library with me now?"
"Sure! Sirius, are you okay with me leaving?" Peter asked.
"Go ahead, Peter. It isn't everyday you get a girl." Sirius replied.
"Okay, see you later!" Peter jumped up and they began walking out of the Great Hall, receiving various glances from other students.
Sirius sat alone, buttering his mashed potatoes, when someone sat next to him.
"Hullo stranger." James said.
"Hey." Sirius replied. "Are you okay?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing. You look like Christmas got canceled."
"No…I don't care about Christmas anymore."
"He misses you." James said quickly. "And so do I."
Sirius looked down guiltily. "Why doesn't he tell me then?"
"The same reason you don't tell him. You're both being stupid prats. Its one thing if you have another person in your life and don't want to talk to him, but quite another if you refuse to talk to either boy." James answered.
"It's harder than that." Sirius said defensively.
"Look, he misses you and you miss him. If you're not feeling up Snivellus, then why are you ignoring us?"
Sirius turned bright red. "Because – because – it's too difficult. How can I face either of them? I'm so ashamed and I don't know what I want."
"Look Padfoot, we're the Marauders. No one else can ever come close to our friendship. Are you willing to kill that friendship for a stinking Slytherin?"
"It's a lot more than that." Sirius replied.
"Enlighten me."
"Well, Remus was horrible to Severus-" Sirius started.
"Has Remus done anything bad besides hurting your precious Snape?"
"It's hard to explain, Prongs."
"No, its not. You're scared. Sirius, I'm not really mad at you, but please don't do this! Stop being a prat and talk to Remus. You don't have to shag or anything, just be friends again!" James said.
"How can we do that? I can't even look at him." Sirius admitted.
James smiled. "You'll figure it out. So are we friends again?"
"Always." Sirius replied. "So how have you and Lily been?"
James' face fell. "Well, we knew about the ball a week ago. So we decided to tell everyone that we're breaking up then."
"Why?" Sirius asked, shocked.
He sighed. "I wasn't the same James she wanted to be with."
"I hate girls." Sirius replied.
"Well that's apparent." James said smiling.
"Orion, I really don't understand why I just can't bring myself to talk to Sirius. I think this is the perfect opportunity to be friends – or possibly more. But every time I look at him, I can hardly even speak. What can I do?" Severus asked, burying his hands into his face. "I've fucked up so much already, how do I know it won't fuck up anymore? Look at what I've done, Orion. I've given my heart to Sirius. I'd give him everything else, but most of it has been promised to Lord Voldemort."
Orion barked sympathetically. Severus smiled. "At least I've got one friend here." He pat his head softly.
The door opened. It was Bellatrix. "Sev, the Dark Lord requests our presence in 3 hours. Keep track of time and don't love on that dog too much."
Severus made a face. "Thanks for telling me."
She closed the door. Severus turned to Orion and smiled. "See what I have to go through every day? I just wish for one day, I could be free of that whore."
Orion put his head in Severus' lap and looked up at him pathetically. Severus put his head on his pillow and closed his eyes. "I'm just so tired. Why am I always so tired?"
And eventually, he dozed off.
This was Sirius' time to act. He transformed back into himself, slipped on one of Severus' robes, and sat next to Severus.
"Hey, wake up." He said, gently touching Severus' face.
He opened his eyes. "S-Sirius?"
"Shhhh….this is just a dream. But I need to talk to you."
"About what?"
"Severus, I won't be coming back. I haven't been able to look you in the face for a long time. But I'm trying right now, and that deserves some points, right? I won't deny that every time I see you, I want to kiss you and tell you how much I love-" he broke off. "But Severus, we can't do that. There's no way either of us could be understood. No one would. And I don't want to see you outcasted or killed by the Death Eaters."
"How did you-?"
"I have my ways." Sirius answered. "But I can't be with you. You're untouchable, and even if I could touch you…I couldn't bear the humiliation we would receive. Severus, always remember my love for you, even when it seems as if I could care less." Sirius stood up.
"Don't go." Severus said.
"What do you want me to do? Stare at you and watch you torment me?" He asked.
"Just stay here." He begged.
Sirius sat down again and said, "Orion won't be coming around anymore."
"Are you Orion?" Severus asked.
"What do you think?" Sirius leaned over him. "Remember me with this kiss." He whispered.
And they kissed gently. Both boys wanted more, but fate has a cruel way of working and Sirius had to pull away.
"Sirius, don't leave me." Severus begged.
Sirius bit his lip to keep from crying. "I have to. Goodnight. Keep sleeping and have good dreams."
With that, he stood up and walked away, leaving Severus to turn around and fall back asleep.
On the other hand, Sirius could not. All he could hear was Severus' voice calling his name. He wished he could hear it over and over again. "Get out of my head." He said to himself. "I said, goodbye, because I had to. This means you should be out of my head."
He rolled over and stared at Remus' sleeping body. If he could just reach out…
"Hello Sirius." Said a voice…on his bed!
Sirius tried to scream, but found his voice was gone.
"I'm sure you've heard of me. I am Lord Voldemort."
Sirius nodded. Voldemort smiled. Now that we've got our names straight, I should really tell you what I'm doing on your bed in the middle of the night."
Sirius was now able to speak. "I don't want any part in your plan."
Voldemort looked slightly discouraged. "I'm sure Mr. Snape has told you all about me and I'm positive you know that Bellatrix and Regulus have joined up with me. It might be nice to see more family action in here."
"Never." Sirius spat.
"Well then. I guess that about sums up my pitch. Oh well." He dismissed. "Now, the real reason I came here. Do you realize you've put me in a difficult place, Mr. Black? To the point of having to make an important decision?"
"Decision?" Sirius repeated.
"Of course. You've captured the heart of one of my servants. And now I'm contemplating what I should do."
"Well, what are your options?" Sirius asked, extremely confused why Voldemort was sharing his thoughts with him.
Voldemort laughed. "No, dear boy. You've mistaken me. The question is, what are your options?"
"What do you mean?"
"Silly boy…I thought you were smarter than that. I can't have a heartbroken servant. It's too human. So I'm leaving you a choice. You can join up with us, or I can kill one of you two. The third option is that I erase everyone's minds of anything everything regarding your escapades. You would be free to love Mr. Lupin all you want."
"Does this mean I would forget too?" Sirius asked.
"You think I'd make things that easily?" Voldemort shook his head. "You will remember everything. I will make sure you remember it."
Sirius winced. He definitely didn't want anyone dead and there was no way he would ever join the Death Eaters. "So I have to remember everything. Any other catches?"
"Smart boy. You would be required to act as if nothing every happened between you and Mr. Snape."
"Would I be allowed to send him dreams?" Sirius asked.
"If you want him that badly, but I think you'll enjoy being free of an angsty teenager."
"Will I?" Sirius asked. "What if I'm wrong?"
Voldemort looked at Sirius and laughed. "Then you're wrong." He shrugged. "Does it look like I care about what happens? As long as he has no memory of it, it makes no difference to me."
"Okay. Do it. Make them forget everything."
"There's one more rule though. You can NEVER be intimate with Snape ever again. Not even a kiss. Otherwise, both boys will get their memories back…and learn what a weasel you are."
Sirius took a deep breath. "Do it."
"As you wish. Obliviate!" he said, and light shot out of Voldemort's wand from all directions. He then Disapparated.
Sirius frowned. You couldn't Apparate or Diapparate on Hogwarts grounds.
Oh well. He was gone and now, he could be with Remus.
You're too important for anyone
There's something wrong with everything you see
But I...I know who you really are
You're the one who cries when you're alone
Where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape
You don't want to escape
How ever did you manage to push away
From every living thing you come across
So afraid that anyone will hate you
You pretend you hated them first
Where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape the truth
I realize you're afraid
But you can't refrain from everything
You can't escape
You can't escape
I'm so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can't live your whole life all alone
I can hear you when you whisper
But you can't even hear me screaming
And where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape the truth
I realize you're afraid
But you can't reject the whole world
You can't escape
You won't escape
You can't escape
You don't want to escape
~End of Chapter 7~
N/A: Sirius didn't sound like too much of a prat, did he? I massively edited this chapter to make him sound better.