Chapter 11: Even in Death
N/A: *Sob* It's the end! This is the fastest I've ever written a fic, yet the longest it's taken to type up! This fic lasted from June 7th, 2004-June 30th, 2004. Its now almost five years later, and I'm done.
This fic originally had two endings. I'm going with my favorite ending, as I believe it's pretty fucking intense.
I'd like to thank everyone who helped me out
ON WITH THE FIC!
~Ashii Black
Sirius had no idea what had happened the past two weeks, after he had broken out of the closet and discovered Severus' dead body, with a bloodstained dagger next to him.
He remembered screaming. Someone ran in to see what had happened, and he pushed them away, screaming about something else even he couldn't make out.
He remembered how he begged them not to take Severus' body away, he was telling them he was just sleeping and would wake up soon. He remembered clutching the knife and screaming at the top of his lungs. He remembered how he sat alone on Severus' bed numbly.
Sometime during those two weeks, James tried to be supportive and talk about it. However, Sirius ignored him and mourned in silence. He couldn't talk to anyone about this. No one knew him like Severus did, no one love him like he had.
Remus was no where to be found, as Sirius had searched very carefully. He was almost as much presumed dead as Severus was. He had left no trace and no information as to where he might be found.
You could say what disturbed Sirius the most was that Remus did this out of love…for him. Sirius constantly debated with himself whether he was correct in thinking that it was his fault Remus had lost his sanity. But yet, there was another piece of him that told him that Remus had always been this way.
But it didn't really help knowing this. How could he have kissed the man who killed Severus? It just didn't make sense.
And maybe it didn't have to make sense. Severus was dead and Remus was alive. Sooner or later, the mourning period would end and everything would be back to normal.
Well, minus Sirius' life. He had promised his life to Severus…and Sirius kept his promises.
It had just occurred to Sirius that he would be alone. He would never love again, and since no one could truly relate to him, he was stuck facing himself alone. Severus' death had opened up so many new portals in Sirius' mind, he hadn't really realized how complicated the human mind was.
However, Sirius could not deny that Peter had suddenly warmed up to everyone, and began talking to Sirius. This helped him recall good, old memories of them talking and having fun. Those memories helped him get through his pain.
Eventually, Sirius went into denial and believed that Severus never existed.
Now, of course, the story doesn't end there. One night, about a year after Severus' death, Sirius woke up, hearing a tapping noise at his window. He grabbed his wand and walked over to where the sound was coming from.
There stood a man with sandy brown hair. He looked very sickly and was looking at Sirius hopefully and mouthed, "Open the window."
Sirius stared at him. "Who are you?" he asked.
"You don't remember me?" the man asked.
"I don't know." He answered. "Is it okay if I come in? I'll give you my wand and everything."
Sirius paused slightly and then nodded. The man handed Sirius his was and he climbed through the window.
"Thank you." The man sad.
"Um, no problem I guess. Are you going to tell me why you came here to see me?"
"What makes you think I came to see you?" the man asked, curling his lip.
"I don't know. I just thought you did. The way you looked at me…and you asked if I remembered you. Who are you?"
"My name is Remus Lupin. Does that name ring any bells?"
Sirius shook his head. "No, not at all. Why are you here?"
"I was accused of murdering someone, and I've been in hiding. I thought I'd come and see you. But you don't know who I am?" he almost appeared hurt.
"I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner…something happened, and the Healers at St. Mungo's tell me that I've blocked the event out of my memory." Sirius looked at him and smiled. "I wish I knew who you were. You seem like a friend. How close were we?"
Remus looked down. "Don't worry about that. So you have no idea about the name Severus Snape?"
Sirius smiled and shook his head. "My friend James tells me that I'm lucky I don't remember any of it. But I can't relate to them. They always ignore me. Well, they ignore my questions about my past."
Remus nodded. "Well, I wasn't there for it. I wonder when this happened."
"Well, I think I went into shock." He began. "And I do remember lots of screaming…and blood." He said, thinking hard. "Someone died, and I witnessed it."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Remus said, unable to say anything else.
"It's okay. I don't even remember who died. So how can I mourn?"
"How's the Order?" Remus suddenly asked.
Bad move. "Woah. Are you some kind of Death Eater?" Sirius asked.
"What do you mean? I'm a member of the Order. Or, at least I used to be."
"Get out." Sirius warned. "Get out, or I'm going to call James in here. And if you ARE an Order member, he'll know who you are."
"No." Remus said quickly. "I'll leave. But I'll be back tomorrow…with some old photographs to prove who I am."
"Fine. Get out." Sirius repeated, raising his wand.
Remus turned around and began to climb out of the window. "May I have my wand?" he asked.
Sirius nodded, and tossed it out the window. Remus let himself drop down and he ran away, Disapparating as he ran.
Sirius shook his head and went back to bed. "That was weird." He muttered.
The next morning at breakfast, Sirius glanced at Peter, James, and Lily, who were all sipping their juice.
"Who's Remus Lupin?" he suddenly asked.
Juice came flying out on the table from three different directions. "Are you getting your memory back?" Peter asked anxiously.
James hit Peter. "We can't talk about that, Sirius. I thought you know that."
"I know." I was just wondering." Sirius muttered, then said, "Did we know him?"
"How did you find his name?" James asked.
"He said that we were friends." Sirius answered calmly.
"He SAID?! What do you mean?" Lily demanded.
"Something – I had a strange dream last night." Sirius lied. "A man named Remus Lupin was speaking to me. He spoke of someone named Severus Snape."
Lily dropped her glass and juice went everywhere. James ran over to her and started cleaning it up.
"That name came to you?" Peter asked. "And you still aren't getting your name back?"
Sirius shook his head. "It was a strange dream. And that Lupin person was rather weird."
"If anyone who claims to be Remus, you have my permission to stop him by any means possible and bring him to us." James said. "He's no friend of ours."
"He's a Death Eater?" Sirius pried.
"No." Peter answered. 'He used to be with us. He-"
"Peter!" Lily warned. "Don't tell him a thing."
"Don't you want me to remember?" Sirius asked, offended.
"No." James responded. "I'm glad you don't remember. Now, please, quit asking us about this. You don't realize how much this hurts us, for us to be unable to talk about it with you."
"Then talk about it!" Sirius begged.
"No." Lily said firmly. "I don't think any of us could explain everything. You blocked out everything for a reason."
"And the Healers say your memory will eventually come back." Peter added. "And it's been almost a year."
"Fine." Sirius said coldly. "I'll be in my room. I need to clean it anyways."
He stood up and walked into his room. Something new was on his bed, something that he hadn't put there.
It was a photograph. The man in the picture had oily black hair, black eyes, and greasy, pale, clammy skin. He had a sad look on his face. He turned it around. The description said, "May 5th, 1974, Hogwarts, 4th year".
Sirius blinked. He was in the same year as this boy. And he had no idea who he was.
There was a picture under it. He automatically recognized his face, waving and smiling at the camera. He was hugging another boy. It took him a few seconds, but he realized that this was a cleaner and slightly younger Remus Lupin. The inscription on the back said, "Yours Forever, -Padfoot".
"What?!" Sirius exclaimed, knowing his nickname. He dropped both pictures. "Why don't I remember you, Remus?" he asked, staring at the ceiling.
Someone knocked on the door. "Sirius? Can I come in?" It was James.
"Hold on." Sirius replied, and shoved the pictures into his dresser beside his bed. "Okay, come in."
James entered the room. "Hey Sirius."
"Hey." He answered.
"You know, I'm sorry about losing my cool down there. It's just that I thought you'd be memory free forever. And that would have been great."
"Why?" Sirius asked.
James sighed. "Sirius, you witnessed a brutal death. I know you know that much. It was a murder that shouldn't have happened. I didn't see everything, but I saw you. It was the worst moment of my life. You lost it, Sirius. Then, you started talking to Peter again. One morning, you woke up and didn't know where you were or anything about who you were. We took you to St. Mungo's and you regained most of your memory. But you had completely blocked out anything that had to do with that night, and you replaced them with your own version of what had happened. You have absolutely no idea how painful it is to see you every day like this."
"James, it was just a death. I've seen others die, including family members."
"Just a death?" James asked in a tight voice. "I can't say anymore, but it was so much more than just a death."
"Oh?" Sirius asked. "Was it really? Or am I just a stupid, sensitive idiot?"
"Stop it." James snapped. "You know damn well that's not true."
"But I'm not brave, James!" Sirius confessed. "I still get flashes of the scene. Lots of blood, and someone screaming. I think it was me. I – I remember a funeral." He suddenly said, feeling slightly dizzy.
"The next day, you lost your memory." James said. "What else do you remember?"
Sirius frowned. "Two boys. I think one was that Remus Lupin. And- I think there was another one. All three of us were in a room. I remember banging on a closet door, but I lost my voice. Then, somehow, I managed to open the door. I recall thinking that I was too late. All I remember after that was screaming and lots of people around me. James, why did this murder affect me so much?"
"It just – did. Please don't make this hard for us."
A sudden flash of memory came back to him. "James, I think I'm gay."
James smiled. "That one I can confirm to be true. Are you getting your memory back?"
"Part of it. Something about dropping a glass and kissing a man."
"Oh, well, I guess that was part of your memory. You were so quiet after the death, I don't know what happened that night."
"James, what if I lose it again?"
"What do you mean?"
"When my memory comes back? I think its coming back." Sirius was starting to get more flashes. "James, it's coming back now." He reached out for something as he fell forward and passed out.
James jumped up. "Sirius?"
There was no answer. James stood up and ran to go get Peter and Lily.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Sirius screamed and his eyes popped open as he sat up.
Remus was sitting next to him, looking rather bored. He brightened when he saw that Sirius was awake. "Oh, good. You are awake. How was it?"
"Where am I?" Sirius demanded.
"We are at the old Snape house. This place hasn't been touched for years." Remus replied.
"How did I get here?"
"I've been hiding in your closet all day. When you fell and James left like the prat he is, I grabbed you and used the Portkey I made for the chance to speak to you again. I was hoping I'd be around when you got your memory back."
"So you'd save me the hassle of hunting you down myself?" Sirius asked harshly.
"Oh, good. You ARE angry. But what are you going to do? Kill me?" Remus laughed.
"That was the general idea, yes. YOU KILLED HIM!" he roared, standing up and facing Remus with a look that could kill.
"I killed him for you. Doesn't that mean anything? You told me you still loved me that night. You begged me not to leave. Don't you still love me?"
"NO." Sirius breathed. "Now give me back my wand and let me go."
"Oh, so you don't want to play?" Remus asked.
"Only if you want to." Sirius answered.
"You always did give in when I wanted a little sex." Remus sneered bitterly.
Sirius slapped Remus across the cheek with all of his might.
"Ah, the gay slap." Remus said, and took out something oddly familiar.
It was the dagger that he had used to kill Severus with.
Sirius' eyes widened and he was frozen in place. Remus leaned in closer. Sirius felt Remus' hands in his own as he passed the dagger to Sirius. Remus turned the dagger, so the blade was pointing at himself.
"Please Sirius, tell me you love me." Remus said. "I've done all of this for you. I've been in hiding for a year now, desperate to have you back."
Sirius shook his head. "I don't love you. The only man I loved was murdered by you."
Tears began to fall down Remus' face. He moved in closer to Sirius. Too close. He moved right in front of Sirius' face, and then thrust himself into the dagger. He laughed as the color drained from his face. "Sirius, you killed me. How does that make you feel? But you know you killed me long before this, don't you? Don't you?" he grunted, and let himself fall so the dagger thrust up into the rest of his stomach. By the time he hit the floor, he was dead.
Sirius stared at the blood on the dagger and his hands, and he let out a giggle. He then broke into laughter. Nothing was getting easier for him. All was lost, including his sanity.
Then, he stopped laughing. It was time to start over. It was time to go into the cemetery. But first, he had to make a stop in Knockturn Alley, where he could find what he needed.
"This is the first time I've visited you. And I'm really sorry about that. I lost my memory for an entire year. Your death just sort of shocked me." Sirius said, staring at Severus' grave.
He felt someone take his hand, and he smiled. "What do you mean by 'my death'? Since when was I dead?" the voice came from behind him.
Sirius turned to face Severus, just as he remembered him that fateful night. "They said you left me." He replied. "I told them you are still here. And they didn't believe me."
"Let them believe in whatever they want, my love. As long as you're with me, you never have to worry." Severus answered.
"You'll always be with me, right?" Sirius asked.
"I have never and will never leave you. I couldn't leave you, Sirius. We're bound by love."
"I know. But you can't stay like this for long. And I need to see you all the time, just like this."
"Shhhhh…." Severus said, putting his hands in Sirius' robes and pulling out a small vial. "That's what this is for."
Sirius took it from him. "Yes, I suppose that's why I bought it. The clerk was very polite and told me that this would make the drinker's life disappear in under a minute, with just a sip. I'll be able to see you whenever I want."
"I'd love that." Severus responded. "I watch you all the time. I've held you before. But you haven't even blinked until now."
"Because now, I can see you." Sirius closed his eyes and gently kissed Severus on the lips. When he opened his eyes, Severus was no longer there. However, all around him, he heard whispers telling him, "It is time."
He opened the bottle and drank half of it. Immediately, he felt numb. He sunk to Severus' grave and clutched it, whispering apologies to his friends.
"Real love is forever." Sirius whispered into Severus' grave. "And we have real love."
Even as Sirius was dying, he could hear laughter in the distance. He continued to hold the grave as his body slowly stopped working.
It was getting harder to breathe. As he drew what he knew would be his last breath, he heard someone with an icy cold voice say in his mind, "It's funny how love and death end up being the same. How could something so perfect and so happy equal something so sad? Sirius, taking your life only proves my theory. It is just such a simple thing. There's a six letter word that means, "first" or "beginning". But I believe there's so much more to Origin. We're just too mortal to see it."
Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home
I will stay forever here with you
My love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on
Some say I'm crazy for my love, Oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side, Oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me
And I can't love you, anymore than I do
People die, but real love is forever.
THE END