Leaves in the Wind

Chapter Three: Back Scratching

"Yo, Kakashi-san!" It seemed that today, Iruka had black sideburns and facial hair. And when had he started smoking? Umino Iruka looked a hell of a lot like Sarutobi Asuma.

Naruto squinted at him.

"Yo, Asuma-san." Kakashi pocketed Icha Icha Paradise as he entered the Missions Office. Iruka's desk had been replaced with a brand new one, thanks to his pupils, but strangely Asuma was sitting at it. The Academy School had been out of session for about an hour now, and the younger students were already playing out on the streets. Kakashi vaguely wondered if Iruka decided not to show up because he still held remnants of his massive hangover.

"Um…" Sakura glanced around the room questioningly. "Uh…Asuma-sensei, where is Iruka-sensei?"

Asuma chuckled, took the cigarette from between his lips and flicked a few ashes into a tin ashtray. "No one knows. He left the Academy 'bout three and not a hitae-ate in sight."

"Why hasn't anyone tried to find him?!" An orange blur squatted on the desk. The Jounin blinked as a whiskered teen pressed their noses together. Naruto's glare only served to amuse Asuma, and the man laughed.

"I'm guessing because no one's worried." This came from behind, and team seven fixed their gazes on Genma, leaning nonchalantly in the doorway and attempting to fan himself with a missions report. "Worst case scenario is he had to track a renegade student."

"So." Asuma popped the cigarette back in. "Need a mission, do you?"

"Yeah," Sakura piped up. "We d-"

"Don't." Kakashi waved a hand in the air dismissively. That collected stares from all three of his students.

"Uh… Kakashi-sensei, we haven't had a mission since-"

"Sakura-chan, Sasuke-kun, Naruto-kun," they each perked up as their name was called. Kakashi placed his hands in his pockets. "Go train." He tossed a bell at Sasuke, who caught it with ease. "See ya," he waved at them.

Sasuke stared at his teacher rather suspiciously, but then shrugged it off and coolly headed out the door. "Come on, Sakura-chan." The girl scampered after him eagerly.

"B-b-b-but Kakashi-sensei!"

"Naruto-kun?" Kakashi looked at his student questioningly.

"I want to look for Iruka-sensei!"

The Jounin considered and then nodded. "Meet me at the bridge. Hurry or I'm not going to wait up."

There was a streak of orange and an empty space where the boy had been standing. Asuma raised a brow, grinning at Kakashi. "Nice desk isn't it?"

"Iruka-san will not be pleased to know you're using it," Kakashi commented as if that were a response to his comrade's question. "How is team ten's mission coming along?" the sensei asked offhandedly. He knew his friend was probably procrastinating again.

"Ehh, they got back yesterday tired and beaten. Ino came back with a nearly severed limb. The usual." Which meant: 'They got it worse then they've ever had.' Asuma's grin faded and he finally snuffed his cancer stick out. "Shouldn't have been that difficult." He shrugged.

Genma waved a paper in their direction. "Shouldn't have let them take it, Asuma-san."

"What happened?" Kakashi sat down on Iruka's desk and turned so he could look at the bearded sensei.

"Sabotage. They had a run in with a low-priority missing nin." The Jounin rubbed at his chin. "They would have gotten away scot-free but a bird alerted the guards to their presence. Shikamaru-kun got them out alive."

"Going to leave your students waiting?" an off-hand comment from Genma.

Kakashi nodded thoughtfully and slipped off the desk. Sabotage was a part of life. Things happened and Kakashi knew it all too well. Asuma's pupils would have run into it eventually. Kakashi knew his own would as well, but he wasn't sure they were prepared to take that risk quite yet. Precisely why he'd stuck to D ranks, no matter how boring they were. "Alright, see you around, Asuma-san, Genma-san." The Jounin slipped out the door.

Genma lazily watched Kakashi make an exit out the door, then turned his head back. "A bird, Asuma-san?"

Asuma laughed darkly, lighting up a new cigarette. "It was a hell of a lot more than one bird."

---

It hurt like hell to move his arms. It hurt to move his legs and damn it, it hurt to move his head. He tried calling out again but his throat had swollen shut. No doubt from an allergic reaction to the plants he was now resting beneath…. He'd been there for four hours and not a single ninja had passed by. Where were they? Iruka closed his eyes and opened them again. Well, great. He was late for his post in the office. The interruption of his daily routine was irking him nearly as much as the swelling, the itching, and the pain. He'd broken his right arm in the course of his fall earlier and had luckily been unconscious the duration of the time he'd spent lying there. God, it was so pathetic. He'd fallen out of a tree into poisonous plants that happened to have a very negative affect on his body.

"Mmm…mmit…"

He resigned himself to his fate. He'd either die of reaction or someone would finally decide training out in the Northern part of Konoha's forest would be a welcome change. This seemed like something that would happen to Naruto…

Iruka's ears pricked up automatically as a new sound came to him. Someone, apparently, was calling his name, and that someone sounded a lot like Naruto-kun. Finally, someone was concerned for the disruption of his schedule. Iruka noted that it was pretty pathetic when the only way people could tell something was wrong with a ninja was when he arrived late to work….

Shifting in the tree above him made him hopefully lift his eyes. His relief was shattered when Iruka realized Sharingan no Kakashi was staring down at him. "Hey, Iruka-sensei, are you taking a pleasant nap in poison-dart plant?"

A solitary finger lifted in response. "Nnnnhh…!"

"Iruka-sensei!"

As the blonde charged through the trees, Kakashi's arm shot out and snatched the boy out of the air. Naruto dangled dangerously over Iruka. "Naruto-kun, don't pounce. He's hurt." Kakashi set Naruto down on the branch and kneeled down to fix his shoes so his toes were covered. He then jumped down next to Iruka. There wasn't much room with all of the bushes around.

Kakashi placed his hand on Iruka's arm and took note of the pained flinch and slight groan. "Iruka-san, you've gone and broken your arm." As if the Academy sensei didn't notice. Kakashi smiled.

Iruka would have liked to be able to point out that, yes, his arm was broken but Kakashi-sensei, suffocating is slightly worse. Instead he grunted, breathing growing hoarser. "Hnnnh…"

"I don't think he can talk…" Naruto commented, concern evident. "How'd you end up down here, Iruka-sensei?"

Grunt. Wheeze.

Kakashi tenderly shifted Iruka's broken limb onto his chest, and then placed one arm under the teacher's back and the other under his knees. The Chuunin was slowly lifted out of the poisonous plant. "Naruto-kun, keep in the trees, I don't want you to get sick." The Jounin started to walk through the bushes, being very careful not to shift Iruka too much.

A shadow passed above them, then a dozen more as a flock of song birds fled from the path of an orange clad predator. Iruka's eyes widened, body jerked, and he struggled to speak. There was a distant, coarse crow's caw. The ninja in Kakashi's arms shuddered then stilled. Eyes rolled in their sockets and then fluttered shut.

Kakashi suddenly stopped, pulling in a short, shocked breath.

Iruka's throat was a brilliant glowing red, a shade far more prominent than what the rest of his exposed skin had taken on. He appeared to be fighting for breath now. Consciousness had already dissipated.

Yelling of the Uzumaki variety rained from above. "Kakashi-sensei! What're you stopping for?!"

"Naruto-kun!" Kakashi hopped over a bush and set Iruka down. A firm plam lifted the neck to clear the air passage, and he dipped an ear down to Iruka's mouth. He heard a very faint wheezing and soon, it died away. "Iruka-sensei is suffocating!" Kakashi popped up. "Bring someone from the Konoha Infirmary and tell them he's fallen in poison-dart! He must have a severe allergy!"

Naruto's presence had completely vanished from the area just as the word 'suffocating' had fallen from Kakashi's lips. A warble was heard from somewhere overhead. A bird.

Iruka was perilously still.

"Shit," Kakashi muttered, leaning over Iruka. He kept his ear next to the Chuunin's mouth, hoping breathing would resume. "Iruka-san, you owe me one…" The Jounin tilted Iruka's head back and pinched his nose with one hand. He quickly pulled down his mask to his chin, muttered once, and took in a deep breath. He sealed his lips over Iruka's and blew in, keeping an eye on the man's chest as it rose. He pulled back and watched as the air left Iruka's lungs with a desperate wheeze. Kakashi waited for a few moments and then repeated the process.

It was moments like this that reminded obstinate human beings that time was its own dimension, unaffected by other planes yet ceaselessly warping and twisting in lesser dimensions. To ninja, Time was an often visited and pleasured mistress. Like a mistress, however, it also had its way of shoving them out the door on their ass, which was more or less what it was doing for Kakashi now. What should have been mere moments passed on for decades of repeatedly blowing air in through Iruka's mouth.

When he heard Naruto's gasp overhead, he wasn't really surprised. This was simply Time chucking a kunai at his head. He wasn't surprised by Naruto's outburst either. "Kakashi-bastard! Why the hell are you kissing Iruka-sensei?!" There was a thoughtful pause and an apologetic, 'Ah- sorry…Heh.' It took a moment for him to remember basic first aid.

Kakashi didn't lift his head before shifting the mask quickly into place. He looked up to Naruto, unfazed by the insult his student had dealt to him. There were two med nins next to Naruto, each wearing the usual off white uniform. "Aiya, Naruto-kun. What am I going to do with you?"

The female nin appeared on one knee by Iruka's other side. "Thank you very much, Kakashi-sensei." She pulled out a plastic container from her back pouch. The top was quickly unscrewed and the woman scooped up some type of clear cream and rubbed it on Iruka's neck. "Tekki-san. Set his arm, please." She rubbed more salve into the skin and the redness began to fade away. Iruka started to wheeze on his own.

Her partner, a sharp eyed, hawk-nosed middle-aged man, finished with one task and began another. He scooped some salve out of the container with one hand and touched some onto Iruka's face, gently rubbing it in. The med nin wiped the rest on his pants, proceeding further and unzipping Iruka's vest, pulling the Chuunin's shirt up. There was a deep sigh echoing in the man's throat as he ran another soothing hand over Iruka's skin. What these people did to themselves… "I recall seeing Iruka-sensei's records once. Good thing, too. I doubt many of our staff would have known to bring the right cream." He shook his head. "You forget that you can die outside missions just as easily as during."

Naruto grumbled something about 'arrogant med nins' but this seemed to go largely unnoticed.

"How did this happen?" One sharp, golden eye had pin-pointed Kakashi.

Kakashi shrugged. "Fell from a tree."

The female med nin glanced up from her work. "Pardon my opposition, Kakashi-sensei, but I have a hard time believing he merely fell."

This, of course, was a thought that had already occurred to Kakashi. "Fell, pushed, I didn't see it. Naruto-kun and I came searching for him when he didn't show up at the Missions Department. I haven't had time to investigate."

"Do you know how long he'd been gone?" The hawk-nosed man was still applying salve.

"If I had my guess, I'd say three or four hours. Asuma-san and Genma-san thought he was hunting down a stray student." Which also brought up the question, why was Iruka in the northern part of Konoha forest? Kakashi looked around as if the answer would present itself.

Tekki nodded and turned to his partner, "We'll finish the rest in the clinic."

Naruto called down again, "S'he going to be alright?"

"Yes, yes. Come, Arumi-san."

"I'm coming with-!"

"No." Tekki cut Naruto off, "We'll take it from here. Thank you, Kakashi-sensei. Naruto-kun."

The med-nin retrieved a stretcher that had been left propped on an overhanging branch, placed Iruka on it, and with a certain grace only members of the medical field possessed, they dashed headlong into the brush miraculously keeping their patient untouched by undergrowth.

Kakashi's student watched in awe as they retreated before he finally managed to say something. "Hey, Kakashi-sensei, why was Iruka-sensei out here anyway?"

Kakashi stood up straight. "I'm not sure, Naruto-kun. Let's go back to where we found him." Something didn't feel right about this situation. Had the ninja teacher simply fallen out of the tree? Was he that distracted, or did someone do it to him? Kakashi began to retrace his steps. "Check the trees," he ordered the boy.

Something glinted in the corner of his eye. He looked over and reached down. Iruka's hitae-ate… It was still knotted in back. Apparently, someone or something struck him in the back of the head hard enough to knock it off. He placed it in his belt pouch to give back later. "Find anything?"

Naruto bounded over to him, shrugging. "No, sensei. I found a dead bird. Iruka-sensei must have killed it." The boy held the carcass before him for Kakashi to see. There was a kunai sticking out of the neck of a crow, blood congealing on its feathers. It seemed odd to Naruto. Iruka must have pinned it out of panic, possibly thinking it was another ninja. But why the paranoia? "Damn it, this doesn't make sense!"

Kakashi plucked the kunai from the bird's neck and studied it. He found nothing unusual with either of the subjects. He'd seen a bird used as a replacement no jutsu before... Eye lifted to the surrounding forest, studied the sway of the thick tree canopy caught in passing winds. Was Iruka running from something? "Let's head back into the town, Naruto-kun." Kakashi found himself on high alert. If Iruka was being hunted and the ninja was still around, they were in danger here, and he certainly didn't want to get Naruto into a situation the boy couldn't handle.

"Iruka-sensei…"

---

Someone was calling his name. He moved a hand in response, rolling over onto his side to avoid the light he could feel berating his eyelids.

"Iruka-sensei…" The voice again came a bit clearer than before. A hand rest on his shoulder and the fingers tapped to get attention.

Shut up please…

"Iruka-sensei!"

Damn it…

The voices were relentless. "Naruto-kun, perhaps we should allow Iruka-"

"STOP FOOLING AROUND!"

Every ninja present in the room promptly fell over, or at least backed up against the wall as Iruka shot up and roared. He inhaled sharply and glared at the first person to catch his eye- in this case, Kakashi. The harsh look softened when he finally realized where he was. "Oh…I'm very sorry…"

Naruto launched himself at the prone ninja, mussing Iruka's hair. "You scared the shit out of us, Iruka-sensei!"

Kakashi grinned at Iruka. "No, no. Naruto-kun, stop suffocating him. He's had enough of that for one day."

"Are you ok now?" Naruto grinned at Iruka who returned it with a half smile.

"I'm fine, Naruto-kun."

"You fell out of a tree, sensei!"

"Yes, I know, I know."

"Sooo-?"

Iruka laughed, reaching back with his good arm and scratching at his itching scalp. Ahh, his hair was down. Where was his band? "I just slipped. That's all."

Naruto's face scrunched, quite dissatisfied with this response. "Sensei, you're a Chuunin. Ninja like you don't slip outta trees!"

"Forgive me, Naruto-kun, for being human." He patted Naruto on the shoulder. "How about I take you out for ramen when I get out of here? Celebrate Iruka-sensei making a fool of himself."

"Heh, as long as you're paying."

Iruka's grin widened and his eyes flashed. "Naturally. I never expected you to have any money." Just as predicted, Naruto went on to rant for the next five minutes on how unfair Iruka-sensei was being.

Kakashi graciously waited through the entire rant before speaking. "Naruto-kun, run and tell Sakura-chan and Sasuke-kun that they can break from training now. I'm afraid I'd forgotten about them again. Then I want you three to go to the Missions Office to collect a D class. Understood?"

"Sure thing, Kakashi-pervert! Get better Iruka-sensei! Don't forget the ramen!"

"I'll ke-"

Naruto streaked past them.

"-ep it in mind." Iruka finished. "I never could keep up with that kid." And now, another challenge loomed over him. Alone in the same room as Kakashi. Considering both embarrassing events were fresh in their minds, falling over drunk and falling over branches, he wasn't too keen on the situation. "I really do apologize for the trouble, Kakashi-san."

Kakashi shook his head. "No. Not a problem. Any other in Konoha would have done it." He leaned forward, elbows on knees, chin in hand.

"Mmm." Iruka wondered, vaguely, how long it would take until Kakashi left…

Kakashi reached into his belt pouch and procured a hitae-ate. He handed it to the Chuunin. "I assume this is yours?"

Iruka blinked at the item as if just now remembering it had ever existed. "Yeah, it's mine." Said owner of the hitae-ate took it and placed it on the little wooden table adjacent to the bed. "Thanks…"

"May I ask," Kakashi began, "how you fell from the tree?"

No. "I slipped." Iruka shrugged.

"And that would also explain the kunai in the bird, correct, Iruka-san?"

"Accident."

"And the fact your hitae-ate was knocked off from a blow to the head, that's an accident too?" Oh, the Jounin was good.

Kakashi was awarded a sensei-scowl and a long, drawn out sigh of irritation. "If you MUST know, my hitae-ate was stolen by a bird; a crow, and I'd been chasing the damn thing through the forest before…" Before what? There was something more to it but he couldn't remember. Well, that wasn't good. Ninja needed to pay attention to any strange occurrences but he just… "…before I fell out of the tree. My arm must have been snapped on one of the branches I passed on my way down."

It had been a crow Naruto found. Crows were known to be attracted to things that glinted, but that certainly wasn't the entire story. "Mm." Kakashi leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. He wouldn't press for information just yet. "Well, then, that's settled." In an instant, Kakashi had whipped out Icha Icha Paradise. He looked up from the book, noting Iruka's incredulous stare. "What? Would you like me to read it out loud?" The school teacher could see a grin through the fabric.

"W-w-whaaat?! No!" Iruka gritted his teeth together, well aware of his profuse blushing. It didn't take much to make him do that, and he'd willingly admit to it. "You'd better not be reading that to children, Kakashi-san."

The Jounin pounced on the opportunity. "Oh well, last time I tried, Naruto-kun kept asking all of these rather irritating questions about-"

"KAKASHI!"

"IRUKA!" The copy-nin grinned ruefully.

The Academy sensei was all righteous anger now. His tanned cheeks were an amusing beet red (or was that tomato red? Some vegetable… Kakashi speculated it may even be a pepper red) and the look in Iruka's eyes was hysterical. It was bordering on glare or complete exasperation. Apparently, Iruka chose to express both instead of either or. "I don't care if you choose to indulge in that sort of thing on your own time but if you really are reading t-th-that-" He couldn't bring himself to say the word.

"Porno, Iruka," Kakashi finished for him.

Could he get redder? This was something the Jounin was curious to find out. "-to children, children, Kakashi-san, then I'm going to-t-t-t-to-!"

"Kill me?" The Jounin leaned forward, grin widening.

Iruka immediately decided on a glare, and a rather potent one at that. "No, I will personally castrate you!"

Kakashi cringed. "Truly, Iruka-san, you are evil."

"Thank you. My students tend to agree with you." The teacher smiled, settling back against the bedding. His throat was beginning to KILL him.

"You know fate worse than death," Kakashi's sarcasm persisted as he relaxed in his chair again, continuing to read his book. "You know, the sequel comes out next month. Perhaps I could give you this one when I'm finished with it. I dare say it would help."

"You realize that if you give me your book, it's going to be burned immediately afterward?"

"Oh, I have extras."

Iruka sighed and leaned back against the pillow with a cross expression. "I'm guessing you're never going to stop stalking me now, are you?"

"You're quite perceptive, Chuunin."

Silence befell them. Iruka slowly, as though harboring second thoughts, offered his good hand to Kakashi. "And you're quite obscene. It evens out."

Kakashi's eye rose from the book and studied the hand for some time. Finally, he reached out and grasped it. "It certainly does."