At night, on some beach somewhere, Maddie sits in a lawn chair, in swim suit and sun glasses, relaxing with Ira, her imaginary vampire (Ira is a boys name. If you don't believe me, look it up.), and various other figmentary affiliates.
"Hey, Maddie?" Ira asked.
"Meh, what?"
"Don't have a Resident Evil parody to write?"
"Oh crap, you're right! By guys, I have people to harass!"
A choirs of goodbyes could be heard as Maddie ran off to get into costume and get back into the Resident Evil world.
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"All right," Maddie said, "it's time for the third Death Mask. Oh, and don't forget Richard."
"Is he like, us alive?" Jill asked.
"I don't know about us alive, but he's definitely you alive." Maddie said smugly
"Oh, that's a relief." Jill said.
"Yeah, lets all shed tears of joy." Maddie said, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. "Now come on!"
They went to the upper east hall, and to the doors that looked like they were armor plated. When they went inside of the room, four suites of armor moved forward. In the middle of them, there was a small podium with a button on it. Jill was just about to press it, when Maddie stopped her.
"You idiot! Can't you see the warning? If you push the button, gas will come out of vents behind the suites of armor!"
"How do you know it will be gas?"
"Well,
A) It's always gas.
B) I can see the vents."
"Oh…"
"Now, you have to push them in the order of far right, close left, close right, and the far left one will move back by some mechanism, hence covering the gas vents and making if safe to push that button that will somehow make the little alcove with the box that has the Death Mask open."
"Okay…"
Jill did as told, because Maddie was the brains, and she was the brawn. After that tedious but necessary exercise, they got the "mysterious box".
Jill seemed to be having issues opening the "mysterious box" as demonstrated by the fact that she was throwing it all over the place, jumping on it, bashing it against walls, trying to pull it apart… But Maddie just watched in amusement. She knew the secret of the "mysterious box" because she was Omnipotent.
Finally, Jill gave up and, with head hanging, she handed the "mysterious box" to Maddie.
"Fix it…" she said, sounding defeated.
Maddie took the box. "I can't."
"What?" Jill asked in astonishment.
Maddie pushed the two buttons on the box, and lo and behold, it opened. "I can't fix it, because it's not broken." she said smugly. "Now it's time to go say hi to Richard."
"Where is he?"
"Right down the hall."
So that's where they went.
"Richard!" Jill cried as she saw him stumble, hit the wall, and collapse. "What happened?"
"Don't you think that the most logical questions would be what monster attacked you?"
"Oooh, she's right Jill, that was kind of dumb of you. Ouch… It was a giant snake with ADD. After it bit me, leaving a wound that's totally not to scale because its mouth is way lager than his, it ran off. Man this sucks." Richard said, groaning in pain.
"You mean it slithered off." Maddie pointed out.
"Errr… Yeah, that's what I meant. Jill, this whole place is filled with monsters!"
"Um, yeah, duh. I think we had noticed that already, but thank you for the warning." Maddie said.
"Oh, my liver! Just go get the serum!"
"Don't you mean 'anti-venom'?" I don't even think I need to state who said that.
"Whatever!"
"Come on, Jill Let's go get the annoying little basterd some anti-venom." Maddie stressed anti-venom.
So, after an uneventful trip to the little drug room, where somehow they knew exactly what type of giant mutant snake it was and found the right bottle with no label that assumingly once had the label "Anonymous Giant Mutant Snake Anti-venom" written on it, the hauled ass back to Richard.
"Richard, I'm going to give you a shot now, okay?"
"Jill, I don't think he really cares how you give it to him."
"She's right again, Jill. You could shove it up my ass for all I care, just fucking give it to me."
After Jill gave him the anti-venom, Richard gave Jill his radio, but by our powers of deduction, we all already know it wont work. Maddie then asked Jill a question.
"Hey, Jill, where did you get that needle?"
"I don't know…"
"Well, that's very specific."
They then went through the door that led to an oddly placed dinning room and an attic like store room. Maddie hung back a bit, magnum at the ready, while Jill went up the small set of stairs. A zombie of the vomiting genus rounded to corner at that time, spotted Jill, and tried to get her. After shooting it randomly a few times, she managed to make a head shot. But, it had been just about to vomit on her, so she managed to get hit with stomach acid. (A/N this happened to me. I think it was a glitch.)
They then went through the door that led to an oddly placed dinning room and an attic like store room. Maddie hung back a bit, magnum at the ready, while Jill went up the small set of stairs. A zombie of the vomiting genus rounded to corner at that time, spotted Jill, and tried to get her. After shooting it randomly a few times, she managed to make a head shot. But, it had been just about to vomit on her, so she managed to get hit with stomach acid. (A/N this happened to me. I think it was a glitch.) "Ew…" Jill said, now covered in zombie vomit and brains. Maddie just laughed cruelly at the situation.
"Not very smart of you, was it?"
"Bite me."
"Maybe if you were a cute guy not covered in zombie. The door behind you is locked for the time being, there's no real reason to stand there. But the other door," Maddie indicated to the other door down the shot hallway, "is unlocked, so I think it's safe to say that the other door is much wiser choice. Not that you would know anything about wise choices." Maddie led Jill to the other room.
"Wow, it's dark in here." Jill said. "How will we see anything?"
"Don't you have a lighter, Jill?"
"Oh yea…" Jill lit the… lighter, reveling that it was some kind of personal dinning room.
"Well, this is an odd place for a dinning room. It deviates from the norm even by my standards." Maddie said, crossing her arms, once again. "You can light those candles over there, if you want some more light. Behind that oh so inconspicuous china cabinet is the rest of the sheet music we need, and a zombie. On the main table here is a hand gun magazine, and over there on that shelf thing is some shotgun ammo. And now that we all know I would make a wonderful tour guide, take care of that stuff."
Jill did as instructed while Maddie took a seat at the little table, head in hands as she sat watching the candle flames.
"What's the matter, getting sleepy?" Jill tried to taunt.
"No, I was thinking that giant snake is in that locked room… Well, not necessarily in the room, but gets into the mansion that way, then Richard would have had to have spare key to that room, or there's another way for it to get into this hall. And would candles really make the room this bright?"
"I'm hungry. I wonder if there's anything to eat in here?" Jill had given up a long time ago trying to make sense of Maddie's rants, and Maddie had long ago given up on trying to get Jill to listen. If she even tried in the first place is still being debated.
"You idiot, come on. You have to go play the piano now." Maddie said, frustrated. "Shift it!"
On the way out, Maddie yelled to Richard that it was such a lovely time and place for a nap, and gave him a kick to the side. Another one of her mottoes was "kick 'em while they're down." And they had quite the uneventful walk to the dinning room.
"Grab that wooden crest above the mantel."
"Why?"
"For a puzzle that really makes no sense. But what else is new?" Jill did as told, and they had another rather uneventful walk to the Piano Room.
"Now, play Moonlight Sonata."
"Why do I have to do it?"
"Because, regrettably, I cannot play piano…"
"That's about the only thing you can't do."
"I can't fly."
"Well how do I know that?"
"Do you really want to argue about whether or not I can fly?"
"I did, but now I don't."
"Play. Now."
For some reason, Jill felt it necessary to play - not at the beginning - but at around twenty-two seconds into the song. A wall opened up to reveal a hall with windows looking into the Bitch Slapping Plant room, a statue of a woman with a removable golden plate on the base, and the diary of Trevor, the guy who built the mansion.
"Well, the only thing this reveals is that this guy has a memory problem, and that he's annoying. Take the Golden Emblem, and replace it with the wooden one."
"Why?"
Maddie sighed and put her face in her hands. "Why have we done anything tonight, Jill? It's all part of the way that allows you to get our of here breathing."
"Um, okay."
Finally doing as told, Jill took the Golden Emblem, and the wall began to close in a very slow manor that you would most likely be able to run under without creating much of a problem. But Jill being Jill, and that being none too bright, began to panic.
"Why'd you have me do that? Now we're going to die in here!"
"Well, I'm going to die from over exposure to idiocy. Place the wooden emblem here and the wall will go up."
"Oh…" she did as told, and the wall went up.
"Something tells me that if I weren't here, you would just end up shooting yourself in the face."
"Would not."
"I don't care anymore. Come on."
Jill grumbled and they went back the dinning hall. Maddie made Jill place the Golden Emblem above the mantel so the clock on the other side of the room could do whatever the hell it does.
To be honest with you, I can't really figure out why it would need a different emblem. The only reason I can think of is that, well, let's Maddie elaborate on this for you, okay?
"The only reason I can think of is that either it's a weight thing, so we could have just pushed on it make it open, or that there's some small medal detector in there, but I don't know if they make them that small. But I guessing that assuming that the emblem is made of gold. If it was made of something lighter, you would think that the clock would do its thing, at least for a moment, when the emblem was removed. So in theory, with two people, you wouldn't need the emblem."
"Riiighhht…" Jill nodded in mock understanding.
Maddie took Jill over to the clock and the morbid picture.
"You see how one guy has his long sword through the other's head, on the other has his short sword thought the first's breast? Now we go to look at the clock. See how the face has the symbols of the an armor, a shield, a sword, and a helmet? Well, what you have to do is oh fuck it! If it took you longer than five minuets to figure this out, you get a punch in the face!" Maddie then punched Jill in the face.
"Ow, what was that for?"
"It would have taken you longer than five minuets to figure it out."
"Oh…"
Maddie then moved the "large hand" which then somehow moved the short hand to point the little symbol of the breast plate, armor, what the fuck ever. (A/N in my game, you tell it to move the long hand, and it moves the short hand, and vis-à-vis.) The clock chimed annoyingly, and it moved to reveal a hole in the wall that hid the Shield Key.
ooooooooooooo
Well, that's it for this time, kids. Sorry that took so long. Shit came up, I'm a procrastinator, I was sick, had to deal with the whole birthday thing., by-the-buy, it's the 15th of May, I was kidnapped by some friends yesterday and was taken to go see "Twenty-eight Weeks Later" for the second time, which I highly recommend. Twice the gore and explosions as the first one. It's just a good thing the people who work at the theater don't check for ID or anything. Well, after mentioning birthdays, I want to listen to "The Birthday Massacre" while I go play "F.E.A.R." on my BRAND NEW PS3! Or I could work on homework… Nah! Tell me if you see anything wrong so I can fix it. 'Till next time!
"Are you all nice and clean?"
"No, Mom, I just took a shower in fucking mud." -Mom and Maddie after Maddie showered. And yes, I can speak that way to my mother.