Hi! Sorry about not doing anything as of late, I've been busy doing nothing at all. You know how it is. The main reason I haven't done anything is that I lost my Resident Evil game. You see, my writing process is to play the game, pause when I notice something, write it down in my purple notebook (trust me, you don't want to read what's in the blue one, that's very important.), type that, and do a half-assed job of editing, then post. Moreover, anyone who has ever posted a story on fan fiction knows that posting in its self is quite the task. But, I wrote this. Someone suggested it, and I wasn't going to do it, but things change.
(filler)
In a dark living room somewhere, a shadowing figure can be seen sleeping on the couch, a smaller figure sleeping on its chest. Another shadowy figure can then be seen walking up to the sleeping one, shaking it awake.
"Wake up, bitch, you have stuff to do."
"Ira? What the fuck time is it?"
Ira rolls his eyes and looks at the clock. "Three-ish" Shadowy Figure One pushed Smaller Figure on Chest off. Said figures meows in distress.
"Get off of me, Aggie; I have to go to the bathroom." The disturbed cat goes to sleep at the end of the couch in a huff. A groping hand then reaches out to the oval coffee table, in search of ill-fitting glasses. "Aw, fuck, I smudged the lens!" Ira roles his eyes, and watches as Maddie stubbles for the door that will, eventually, lead the bathroom. Maddie then runs into the door. "Yeah, that's definitely a door, can't walk through that." she mumbles. Ira is getting dizzy form all the eye rolling at this point.
Maddie hobbles to the bathroom, as Ira turns on the computer. More running into things, and finally a flush can be heard. The door opens, and Maddie makes her way back the couch, but is intercepted by Ira, who pushes her to the computer. "Parody. Now."
"But Ira," Maddie whines, "it's three-ish, I'm in a dirty tee-shirt and underwear, (A/N that's what I sleep in) I've got morning breath that could kill, and I'm tired!"
"Don't care, write."
"Suck my metaphorical cock, Ira, I'm going back to sleep." Maddie goes back to bed (couch), and the cat jumps on her chest as Maddie drops off the sleep. Ira sighs and goes back to sitting on the love seat as Aggie (the cat) watches him with wary green eyes.
"What are you looking at? I'm not going to wake her up again, it's pointless, you know." Aggie just yawns in response.
Ok, now on to the thing that was suggested.
Wesker sighed. There had to be a better way to lure Barry to him than this. If any of you are wondering what "this" is, it is Barry's favorite food: jalapeño chip mustered cookies dipped in cherry syrup. Which is what Wesker is currently baking. "I think it would be less repulsive if the man ate fetal pigs. How did he make it into S.T.A.R.S. anyway?" He shook his head as he set the finished product onto a plate, and sat a running fan behind it.
Somewhere, not so deep in the mansion, Barry sat, trying to remember the difference between then and than (And yes, there is a difference.), when he smelled his favorite cookies. Like a bloodhound, he jumps and follows the sent, hot on the trail. He dodges monsters and avoids peril, and finally finds the cookies. He claims his prize and, like a feral animal, he jumps on them, shoving them into his mouth as quickly as he can.
In the mean time, Wesker stands, not sure wither he should be mildly amused, or thoroughly repulsed.
"I can't believe that actually worked." Wesker said to himself
After finishing off his cookies, Barry looks up. "Oh, hey Wesker, what's up? Where did you go? We couldn't find you after you sent us to investigate that dangerous room."
Wesker shakes his head. "I went go to the bathroom."
Meanwhile, in the bathroom:
"Of course it's safe. It's just an old bathtub filled with grimy water that smells of death! I'm sure there's something in it. After all, who would look in there for something important or useful?" Maddie coaxed.
Jill unplugs the bathtub. The filthy water drains, and a zombie pops up, and makes a dive for Jill (total room 217 reference). She knocks it over, and steps on its head, splattering zombie ooze allover the god damned place, then goes and vomits.
"Don't think I'm going to hold your hair or fish that lame-ass little beret of yours out of the toilet or anything like that." Maddie warned.
Finished vomiting, Jill flushed, and walked over to Maddie. "I hate you."
Maddie shrugged. "Look at it this way, you found a dagger."
Back in the kitchen:
"Oh, okay!"
"I think it's time to change the subject."
"I'll take Geography for five hundred, please."
Wesker puts his hand to his forehead and said, "No, Barry, this is not a game show. Let's talk about your family. You know, your wife and children?"
"Oh, I like them."
"One would assume."
"Who's One and what is he assuming? What does assume mean?"
"Forget what I just said. Barry, unless you help me kill the rest of the S.T.A.R.S., I'm going to have your family killed."
"I don't think you can kill a star, they're really far away."
"I'm talking about your team mates."
"Are there anymore cookies?"
"FOCUS!"
"What, where?"
Wesker grabs Barry's face and forces him to look at the other. "I. Am. Going. To. Have. Your. Family. Killed. Unless. You. Help. Me. Kill. The. Rest. Of. Your. Team. Mates. Do. You. Understand. Me?"
"I think so. You are going to make cookies for my family, and we will have a picnic, and you will be my best friend!" (A/N Sorry, I just had to add a little Red VS. Blue humor in there. Anyone else see the final episode? My mom did and she cried.)
"Where in the name of god did you get that? That has absolutely nothing to do with anything I just said!"
"I don't know…"
At this point Wesker decides that he has to take a new route with this. "Barry, did you know it was April Fool's Day?"
"Really? I love April Fool's Day!"
"I know you do, Barry. And because we're," Wesker shuddered to say it, "best friends, let's play a little joke on the other members of S.T.A.R.S., shall we?"
"That's a great idea!"
Wesker got an evil smile on his face (A/N Evil smile… Isn't that a bit of an oxymoron?). "I know it is Barry, I know it is."
I came up with three of these, and I couldn't decide which to use, so I'm using them all.
"I. Am. Going. To. Have. Your. Family. Killed. Unless. You. Help. Me. Kill. The. Rest. Of. Your. Team. Mates. Do. You. Understand. Me?"
"Oh no!"
"Oh yes."
"No, I mean, I don't understand you."
"I. Am. Going. To. Have. Your. Family. Killed. Unless. You. Help. Me. Kill. The. Rest. Of. Your. Team. Mates. Do. You. Understand. Me?"
"Oh no!"
"Oh yes. Would you like to speak with them? Here." Wesker handed Barry a toy cell phone.
"Karen? Are you there?"
Wesker turned around and made a really high-pitched voice. "Yes, I'm here. You have to do exactly as he says, otherwise he'll have us killed!" Wesker turned around and took the toy back. "You see Barry, you have no choice."
"I'll do anything you say!"
"I thought you'd see it my way."
In the mean time, out in some field, Billy and Rebecca stand, talking for what may be the last time.
"Billy, you know what you said to that Leach Queen?"
"Yeah, I know, it was clever and brave."
"No, no it wasn't. It was really lame. If you hadn't saved my life and helped me through all of this, I don't think I would even want to be your friend anymore."
"Oh…" from there, the ending continues as normal.
As Billy leaves, and Rebecca sniffs the air. "Are- are those jalapeño chip mustered cookies dipped in cherry syrup I smell?" So Rebecca followed the smell.
Thanks to whatever reviewer gave me the idea to do a little thing on Wesker and Rebecca. I forgot who it was, and I'm too lazy to check. I doubt this is what you had in mind, but hell, it's better than nothing is, I think. Oh, and I almost forgot this times's quote!
Haley licks half of a lemon from a cup of lemonade bought at a local carnival "Mmm, lemons. Taste's like boys with boys."
If that makes no sense to you, a lemon is a term used to describe hard core written porn on the internet. We like boys with boys. But, if you read anything else by me, you would know that.