Wow, has it been a long time! I'll explain why in a moment, but first, if any of the chapters are out of order, please tell me, because I was changing some layout issues, and I might have messed things up. On with the whatever you want to call this.

Somewhere, in a Gamestop in the Midwest:

"We're here to pick up Condemned 2: Bloodshot," said Maddie's mom to the counter boy.

"Oh, and how much are used Gamecubes?" Maddie idly added, as hers had finally stopped working

"Used Gamecubes are (light comes down to shine on the counter boy as holy choir breaks out) thirty dollars."

"All right, we'll take one!" says Saint Maddie's Mom.

As the last death masks were placed, the chains on the coffin snapped. Although, how the masks would have an effect on the chains, I don't think anyone could tell you. Creepy shadows cast from candles that are at the wrong angle to project them at the particular spots they are in flickered, the sound of gears that don't really have a use clanked endlessly.

"I have a feeling something bad is going to happen," Jill insightfully said.

"Oh, it can't have anything to do with the surroundings, can it? Go to the coffin."

As they approached, a rather menacing looking zombie rose from the now open casket, appeared to burp up dust, and wipe his face with a clawed hand.

"You didn't tell me that was in there!" Jill screamed.

"I thought it would have been obvious! Besides, he's not that hard to kill. We have massive amounts of incendiary grenades, remember?"

"Oh, yeah…"

Four hits and the super zombie fell, and the only damage Jill sustained was a flaming corpse falling on her.

"Told you so. Now go get the object in the coffin and flip the switch that's not wired to anything and I doubt has some kind of other signal that could open up the gate." Ever obedient, she did just that, "now come on, we have more to do!"

They left, and went to the place where you use the object. They passed through the now unlocked gate, and left via the door down the stairs. After passing an amusing sign post, Jill received a transmission from Barry about a monster in chains that guns can't kill (no on ever tries impalement anymore) and is in the same general area that you are.

"You see, the problem with this is how would he know unless he has been here, but the gate has remained locked the entire time. Oh, the inconsistencies! Anyway, just stop the red weather vane on west, and further down, the blue one on north, and then the gate will open." They did that, but Maddie stopped, "hold on!"

"What now?"

"What morons put these up?"

"Who the hell cares?"

"You didn't notice?"

"Notice what?"

"The directions on the weather vanes are wrong! Stand with your back to the N on the red one and check the map compass (upper left corner) and you can see the red needle tells us we're pointed west, not north. If you were to do the same thing with the blue one, which is roughly in the same position further down, it's directions not only are wrong, but where the red weather vane had an N where you would pass it, this one says red's north in east. On the map, if you stand with your back the E, you're still pointed north, albeit more north west."

"Um, so?"

"This doesn't bother you, not even a little?"

"Not really."

Maddie gave up, and they went through the gate. Jill began to run forward, but Maddie stopped her.

"Stop!"

"Why?"

"You know how crows have things that set them off?"

"Yeah."

"These ones don't like running."

"Why?"

"How the hell should I know, just don't run!"

As they walked by, Maddie started to ramble. "How many cemeteries do these people need, for god sakes? This place isn't even that old, and unless they buried some of their failed experiments, they don't even need a cemetery! And the crows, all of these annoying birds! Why in the name of god do they all just sit here like that! It's not unnerving, just annoying!"

By the time she stopped, they had entered the next part of the… whatever you want to call it, mansion grounds, back yard, woods, pointless, the list goes on, a jingling of chains and something that sounds suspiciously like Maddie's mom snoring was heard. "What was that?" "Not much of a threat, come on."

They continued trudging through lots of thick and confusing woods, until they came to a convenient beat up old cabin. "Well, the game isn't going to solve itself, come one."

Inside said decrepit cabin, there was a blazing fire going, a map, and, by the typewriter, was a scrap of a photo and an old journal. After reading it, Maddie said, "wow, she is years ahead of her time. This is the way most people write now!" Not that Maddie had much room to speak. Going back and editing later, she was all like, "WTF how did I not notice all the crazy mistakes?"

They crept around the corner, found a crank, and got the wind crest form the magic box. Jill turned around and began to leave, but Maddie hung back. "I'm going to reorganize the magic box, you go guard the door or something."

Jill walked off, grumbling, "make me do everything, I'll show her magic box reorganizing." However, anyone but Jill can see the ulterior motives here. Maddie doesn't do things she does not have to, and in fact, guarding the door is easier than magic box reorganizing. As she walked out of the crappy bed area, she got clocked on the head by Lisa Trevor's wooden manacles. She woke up on the floor. "Oh… I feel like I just got clocked on the head by wooden manacles." Jill then looked up to see the grungy, bloody figure of Lisa Trevor.

"Holy crap!"

"Mwraaa!" which was followed by a gasp and a few gurgles.

"Mom, wake your lazy ass up!" Once again, the sound of a record being swiftly stopped could be heard. Maddie looked around the corner. "Oh, sorry, she just sounds like my mom snoring."

"Your mom might want to see a doctor about that," said Jill.

A mysterious voice then came from nowhere could then be heard saying, "or a coroner!"

"Shut up Ira!"

"Mwraww!"

"Oh, shut up Lisa," Lisa was then shot in the face, well, one of them anyway. After that, while Lisa was distracted, Jill and Maddie ran out the door.

After getting lost in the worlds only linear maze and incinerating a zombie, they found themselves back in the second cemetery, which was still lacking a zombie, and did the magnum puzzle that involves the wind crest, which I can't really of anything funny about that until you actually get the magnum.

"What kind of a paranoid freak would go to all of this trouble to hide a magnum? They didn't even try to get it when the virus got loose."

"Maybe they couldn't get to it."

"Eh, maybe."

Back into the shed and through the other door, Jill received a transmission from Brad, asking for a sign if anyone was alive. "This is Jill, we need help, over!" she waited for a moment, but there was no response.

Somewhere, over Raccoon City:

"This is Jill, we need help, over!" Brad was just about to respond when he remembered the gruesome sights he had seen in the forest. "Well, I didn't hear anything!"

"Shit, it's broken!" "Well, that's life, I guess." After killing some more Cerberuses, they came to a pool. Maddie was just about to jump in, when Jill yelled stop. Maddie sighed.

"Now what, are you afraid of water?"

"No, but do you want to get your gun wet, rendering it useless?"

Maddie rolled her eyes, opened her mouth, and closed it again. "That is a surprisingly good point. But now we need to use the crank to drain the water, and who knows how heavy that drain wall thing could be."

However, Jill managed to do it. "Oh, come on, there is now way in hell that's possible! Do you know how heavy that thing must be?"

"I drink all my milk!" Jill said, proudly.

"I give up, let's go."

They crossed and then cramped themselves in the tiny elevator, and moved down to an area with more pissed crows. As they walked by the fountain, Jill looked in and said, "some kind of transparent creature is swimming around in the water!"

Maddie glanced in and said, "uh, Jill, that's a used condom."

"Oh," said Jill, disappointed.

"Why the hell are we even over here, we need take the path by the waterfall."

Wow, I finally managed an update. First, I lost my copy of Resident Evil, and then my Gamecube breaks! Can you believe that? I finally got a new one, as mentioned above. Oh, and if you're wondering how Condemned 2: Bloodshot was, it was okay, but don't buy it, just rent it. It only takes a few days to beat it. Quote time!

Maddie and Allison are taking a survey in gym.

Allison: "Maybe I should fill in Native American for race. I think I'm like…" she is then interrupted by Maddie. "You're not Native American, you're a fat lesbian!"