Yes people – this is the first big climax in this incredibly twisted tale. Finally, the moment we've all been waiting for has arrived :D enjoy it! Just don't blame me if it's a little too sexy.
Chapter Eight
A Night to Remember
"Kenshin, I told you I don't need another haori!" Kaoru grumbled. "Besides, it's not even winter yet." She scoffed.
"But where we're going, it'll be snowy, Kaoru." Kenshin warned.
"So? You don't have to fawn all over it. I'll be fine."
"All right. Fine."
She took his hand and climbed into the carriage. She sat next to him in the small compartment. "How long will it take?" She asked him.
"About two hours, I guess." He said. "It's pretty far, and it'll take a while even on a carriage."
Kaoru admired the place. The windows were sealed shut, so the cold couldn't get in too easily. They could be screaming at the top of their lungs and nobody would hear it unless they lessened the force of the window's closure. Kaoru was exhilarated. She'd told Kenshin about her father's grave, and how far away it was. She didn't know exactly how to get to the area, so she hadn't been there in years. Kenshin, though, knew the area well, and offered to take her. She was very happy to be going, since the last time she'd been to the grave was during his burial. Certain distant family members had insisted on placing it miles and miles away from Tokyo.
"Now, you stay here, and I'll go to the front and drive."
"You're driving?" Kaoru asked. "Why didn't you get a driver?" She asked irritably.
"It'd cost a load to hire one, let alone have him drive for two hours there and back." Kenshin said.
"Then I'm coming up there with you. You don't expect me to sit in the back all by myself, do you?"
"You'll catch a cold."
"And you?" She placed a hand on her hip.
He thought for a moment, then smiled at her. "Fine."
The air was bitingly cold even in her three-layered kimono and her haori overcoat, but she would never admit it to Kenshin the Worrywart. They chatted and laughed at inside jokes. There were times when Kaoru swore he was flirting with her- and she was flirting back. All memories of his marriage and his wife had fled her mind.
Because they'd talked so much, those two hours just fled right by. They'd never even stopped to enjoy the view, and just kept on talking. The only other sounds throughout their journey were the snort of their two pulling horses and the whistle of the northern wind.
Kenshin kept flicking his eyes to her when she didn't know it. She had no idea how perfect she was, and apparently neither did Sanosuke. He was, to put it nicely, an idiotic bastard. He was sure he could've gone without breaking this poor girl's heart. He wouldn't dare admit to himself, though, that every time she smiled at him, his heart skipped a beat, and every time she talked to him, he didn't even have to try to listen to hang on to her every word.
He admired the way she tucked her straying hairs behind her ear. She always did that. And he admired the way she always pursed her lips when she was annoyed or about to laugh. Not a day had passed by when she didn't do that. He loved the softness of her hands- a softness he couldn't really understand- and he loved the glow in her creamy skin. He loved the feeling of her pure ki, and he loved her laugh. For the time he'd been there, he only just realized that he'd lived for the next moment he could hear her laugh.
And Kaoru was just the same. Her heart beat faster when she looked into his eyes. Everything about him was so out of her league, but she suddenly wanted him. She wanted to wake up to his face the way she had just this morning. She wanted to run her fingers through his gorgeous hair. She wanted to trail her hands down his muscles, and savor every dip and every crease. Sanosuke flew out of her mind when she watched him. But he was married. His wife was entitled to his hair, his muscles, his smile, his love… and all she was entitled to was… his friendship.
"We're here." Kenshin said, stopping at the foot of a low, mildly sloping hill. Kaoru suddenly wished she'd brought that second haori. The air was freezing, and the snow was deep. The place was heavily forested with pine trees, and to her left was a deep, wide lake.
"It's… pretty," she said with some awkwardness.
Kenshin chuckled and ran his fingers fondly through her hair. "Why not call it what it is and use the word beautiful?" He asked.
"Well… maybe it's because I'm emotional that I repel people." She said.
"Kaoru," Kenshin started, giving her a firm shake. "Don't worry about that! People would rather have an emotional person in their life, unlike somebody who never voices her feelings and keeps everything hidden, even simple sensitivity."
"I show people too much." She said. "I let people see too much, and they take advantage of me."
"Not all people will." He said. "Sometimes it can be the very thing that drives others to fall for you." Kenshin admitted. Then, without giving her a chance to question his statement, he walked off. "Come on, let's take a walk to the grave."
"But, I…" Kaoru trailed off. "I've only just managed to get over my father's death. Seeing his grave for the first time in years…" She said unsurely. "I might be incapable…"
Kenshin turned to her with a reassuring smile and held out his hand. "Don't worry, miss Kaoru. I'll be by your side for as long as it takes."
Kaoru took one light-footed step forward, lingering slightly on her toes, and took his outstretched hand with hers.
They continued into the forest. Kaoru looked right up at the aqua blue sky and inhaled deeply, savoring the strong smell of pine. "It's so beautiful in here…" she sighed.
Kenshin turned to her and smiled. Her arms were wide open, and her head was lifted to the sky. She looked like an angel in her white kimono and orchard-yellow obi. He swore he caught sight of feathery wings on her back.
"Come on, now. We should hurry. The setting sun is beautiful back where the carriage is." He informed her.
"All right. But I was having a moment with the wild, Kenshin! You interrupted it."
"I'm sorry," he said, pinching her nose. "But we need to hurry."
"Fine, fine! I heard you the first time!"
After a moment, Kaoru pointed excitedly at a tree. "Look at its bark, Kenshin! See? Part of it looks like a face!"
"I see it, that I do." He said, smiling at her. Kaoru and Kenshin both found many things to point out to one another; the beauty of a butterfly, the colors in a leaf, a cluster of colorful mushrooms… Kaoru was having fun, and Kenshin was, too.
"You know what?" Kenshin said suddenly.
Kaoru smiled towards him. "What?"
"From the time I've spent with you, I've had more fun than I think I've ever had in my life."
"Well, that's because you're not fun, and I am! There's a big difference!" she said in a singsong voice.
"Who said I wasn't fun?" Kenshin asked playfully.
"You're old." She said.
"I'm not that old."
"You look twenty. But you act a lot older. You need to loosen up." She stopped for a moment. "How old are you, anyway?" She asked.
"Take a lucky guess." He said.
"I don't know… twenty three?" She guessed.
"Not exactly spot on… twenty eight."
"Twenty Eight?" She replied incredulously.
"Yeah. Twenty Eight."
"You're… You're…" she folded her lips nervously. "You really are old!" She declared. "I was only kidding before!"
"I'm kidding too." He said nervously. He wouldn't ruin it by letting her know he was eleven years her senior.
"Really?" her hopes were lifted. "Then how old are you?"
"It's none of your business…" He said smugly.
"None of my business? You've been living with me for six weeks!" she whined incredulously. "I think it amounts to having a right to my guest's age!"
"A landlady doesn't have rights to her boarder's age!"
"But a friend does, Kenshin." Kaoru said in mock annoyance. On the inside, though, Kaoru was a little hurt that to him she was merely a landlady. He didn't even pay!
Kenshin saw her small discomfort and softened his tone. "Yes, you're right, miss Kaoru. But don't you agree that friends have secrets, too?"
"I guess…"
"All right, then." He said cheerily. He grabbed her hand and pulled her faster.
///
It was a surprisingly short way to the grave. Within the next half hour, they were there, standing before the tombstone. Kenshin watched as Kaoru bowed deeply, on her knees, and prayed. It was first only a tear, but then it turned into more tears, and then into a sob. She suddenly felt terribly lonely. Even though Kenshin was right next to her, she still needed what Sanosuke had given her, and what she wanted so much from Kenshin. Praying to her father only brought the painful need back.
"Kaoru…" She heard a whisper in her ear, and then Kenshin's arms folded around her. He pulled her in tightly; so tightly she couldn't move. But Kaoru couldn't help herself. She placed her hands on his arms to loosen them a little and turned to face him, taking his face in her hands as she did, and suddenly hugged him close. He whispered her name again, and to her surprise, his hands traveled over her body, from her hips to her waist to her ribs… up her back… he crumpled the fabric of her kimono and fisted his hands. He whispered her name again.
"Kaoru…"
She didn't move her arms from his neck. She didn't shift away from him, or steady herself. She was sprawled over him, stretched all the way out, her legs tangled in her kimono, her face tucked away into his neck. His hands traveled the course of her body again, and he wrapped his arms around her slim waist.
"Kenshin…"
"Kaoru…"
She felt the heat of his breath in her ear as she pulled back a little, just enough to stare at him. She suddenly looked like a woman. Not just a beautiful girl. A beautiful woman.
Her thumbs caressed both of his cheeks. They were so close… so close he couldn't stand the separation. Neither could she. But Kaoru remembered his wife and stared into her lap instead.
"Kaoru?" she heard her name clearly. The breath from his voice tickled her bangs against her forehead.
"Look at me." He said in a soft, commanding voice.
She looked at him. First, it was at his moist, pursed lips. Then, at his perfectly slim, pointed, slightly curved nose. When violet met blue, though, she couldn't hold back. Neither could he. "Umm… Kenshin…" she turned away, fueled by both her fear and her overriding will to keep away from a married man.
"Kaoru-"
"Kenshin, you crazy idiot, you're married!" She glared at him as he approached her. "And-"she never did finish her sentence, because immediately after her mouth opened, Kenshin pulled her roughly to him and kissed her. Kaoru inwardly gasped, but outwardly responded to the sudden jolt of warmth and pleasure with her lips, and moved forward to deepen it further. Kenshin had planned no more than a short, chaste peck, but so many sparks flew through them both that they were near devouring each other. When she pulled her lips away, he only pushed her more firmly into the tree at her back. Kaoru felt her knees tremble with a thousand different emotions. Kenshin had kissed her. Her heart had latched onto him.
Kaoru slid from between the tree trunk and the invading but whole-heartedly desired male body and took a few steps away. She was thinking deeply. He was married, wasn't he? She was mourning Sanosuke, wasn't she? But she knew, from that one kiss, that nothing could amount to that. None of Sanosuke's kisses –or any other man's kisses– would amount to that. Nothing could measure up to the feelings his kiss had given her. Maybe he felt the same. Kenshin came up behind her and timidly touched her shoulders. Kaoru leaned into him as if giving him permission, and he ran his fingers down her arms. His caress sent shivers up her spine.
"Have I crossed the line?" He asked, his forehead creased with worry.
Kaoru let out a shaky breath at the affect his touch had on her. "You saved my life more than once. You protected me, and you're here for me whenever I need you. There are no lines."
At those words, Kenshin spun her around and kissed her again. It was timid and gentle, but when she moved his lips against his, he took it as the right sign and deepened it. Kaoru moaned softly and ran her tongue over his bottom lip. Kenshin felt like his heart was on fire as he backed her up into the tree and pressed his body into hers. Had he ever felt this way before? He didn't think so.
But images of Kenshin's wife entered Kaoru's mind, and she moved away from him.
"What is it?" He asked her.
"You…" Kaoru didn't know how to continue. But she knew that taking this further than it already went would only hurt her in the future. "You're not right for me, Kenshin…" She said unsurely.
Kenshin pulled back. "You're right." Tomoe entered his mind. But… he couldn't lie. Not to himself, at least. When he'd molded his body into Kaoru's and trapped her lips with his, it had felt so right…
"Thank you," Kaoru whispered softly, averting his gaze.
"Let's go back now. We'll miss the sunset otherwise."
Kaoru nodded, and Kenshin turned around. She took a few deep breaths, straightened out her clothing, and walked off the sparks that were still pulsing through her. She looked back at the grave with sad eyes, bowed goodbye, and whispered "aishiteru," to her father's dormant spirit.
The walk back was quiet and awkward. The feelings from the kiss still lingered in the space between them, taunting her and making her only want to kiss him more.
She glared at his back. He'd done it on purpose.
Kenshin, though, was in his own little world. I can't let this happen, he told himself. I'm married. She's heartbroken. What kind of match is that? He sighed and listened to her soft footsteps. It's a terrible match, even if those kisses made my heart skip a beat, and even if she mesmerizes me with a single look. I can't help it. It happens to everybody. Right? Kenshin growled angrily at himself. He was an idiot. No matter what, he and Kaoru could never be. Never.
When they got back, the blue sky was turning lilac.
"Perfect!" Kenshin chirped. "We're right on time!" He pushed his pondering to the back of his mind, and, if possible, out of it.
"That's good…" Kaoru said.
Kenshin looked at her and smiled. "Let's watch the sunset," he said to her, holding out a friendly hand. She took it the same way she had before.
The sunset was bright and beautiful, and Kaoru couldn't help but notice how amazing Kenshin looked in the setting rays of the sun, with his fiery red hair and lightly tanned skin. The colors of the sky took her breath away. As the sun lowered itself from the red sky, the snow began to fall again, tainting the white floor and the white flakes pink. Kaoru covered her mouth. "Kenshin!" She clutched his arm and gestured to the snow.
"What is it?" he questioned a little unsurely.
"I dreamed of this once… and in the dream, I'd heard my father's voice! It's so strange…" She trailed off, eyes locked on the beauty of everything around her. Kenshin watched her from his place and smiled at her, even though she wouldn't catch it. Kaoru was, indefinitely, special.
When it turned dark, they stayed in their places, staring at the dark sky. Kenshin got up and contemplated with himself. After a while, he turned to her and grabbed her soft hand. "Let's go somewhere…" he said.
"Where?" she asked suspiciously, allowing him to help her up.
"You'll see. Just get onto the carriage with me." He said.
He took her through a route in the forest that lead to the other side of the huge lake. The moon's reflection wavered on the surface. The place was a little more forested than the last one, and the edge of the lake sloped up to ground level instead of cutting off.
"It really is beautiful…" she sighed wistfully and got up from the carriage. She fed the two horses the oats she'd taken for them and walked towards the shore.
"It is, isn't it? It's really beautiful. I remember coming here when I was younger. Whenever Hiko–my master–and I went to this area, I came to the hills and stopped here for a while."
Kaoru turned to him and flashed him a friendly smile before returning her gaze to the full moon.
Kenshin couldn't help it as he gazed at her. Around Kaoru, he felt a little more relaxed. He would just have a little fun, and then go back to being cold. He kneeled on the ground and grabbed a handful of snow. Using his impressive aim, he threw a snowball and hit Kaoru directly between her shoulder blades.
Kaoru let out a short cry of surprise and turned around. "What was that for???" She demanded, giggling as she tried to keep a serious face. "It's cold enough already!"
Kenshin grabbed another handful of snow and shaped it. "Then defend yourself or fight back," he said in a challenging voice. Kaoru's brow rose. She was not one to back down from a challenge.
"You bet I'll fight back," she said dangerously, grabbing snow in her bare hands and getting into a fighting stance. She pretended the snowball was a bokken and swung her arm the same way she would have done with her weapon. Because of her routine, her aim was impressive and the force of her throws was harder than he expected. Kaoru hit him right in the side of the head with a large, loosely packed snowball and laughed as it burst in his hair. He froze, then turned to her with a smile. He threw one in her direction. Before she could dodge it, it hit her right in the chest. She screamed.
"Damn you! That was freezing!" She said, grinning.
"Well how do you think that throw to the head was?" he asked.
Kaoru packed together a defense wall only a couple feet high, all the while trying to dodge his hits. When it was built, she could duck and throw without making herself an easy target.
"Damnit…" he hissed. Then he straightened. "That will not be a problem! I shall build myself a wall, too! And it will be both bigger and stronger than yours," Kenshin declared dramatically, purposely trying to sound like an English conqueror.
Kaoru hit him as much as she could as he whipped together a defense wall higher than her own, but his dodges were surprisingly fast, even when he was on his knees. They battled playfully until they collapsed side by side in the middle of the snowy battlefield, exhausted, panting, but in a fit of laughter, too.
When the laughter died down, Kenshin allowed himself time to think. The only other time he'd fought one on one in the snow, it was the time when Tomoe was almost killed. He never thought his next snowy battle would be a snowball fight against a feisty young lady with beautiful blue eyes.
He sat up and stared thoughtfully at the lake. Kaoru sat up, too, grinning at him. The residue from the joy of the game was still alive on her smiling lips. Kenshin shot her a lopsided smile and started to pull off his gi.
"What are you doing?" Kaoru asked guardedly.
"I'm swimming." He said.
Kaoru chuckled derisively. "Go ahead, then. It's perfectly fine with me if you freeze your ass off, no matter how bad an idea it is."
Kenshin leapt into the freezing lake. When he broke to the surface, he was smiling.
"Kenshin! I wasn't serious! You'll get sick, baka!" She chided, walking to the bank.
Kenshin came out of the water shivering. "You're too serious. You take everything too heavily, Kaoru, but I know how to let things go lightly. Which is why I'm swimming right now!" He spread out his arms. His wet hakama clung to his thighs and swayed heavily with his movements. Kaoru's eyes trailed up his body. His stomach was rugged and muscled, and attractively lean. When she looked at his face, he was smiling.
"You're an idiot." She stated.
"No. You're just boring." Kenshin came walking towards her, emerging slowly from the water until he was looking down on her face, only inches away from her. He quickly rubbed his arms. "God, I'm freezing…" he said.
"It's your own fault, Kenshin. You try too hard to impress, and now—"
Kenshin cut her off with a long kiss. Her face was cupped in his hands as he ran his thumbs over the line of her jaw. Sparks flew. Kaoru began to kiss him back with just as much eagerness, and her wide-open hands trailed up his back, savoring the feel of every muscle and every bump on his graceful spine. Kenshin's arms snaked their way around her waist and pulled her in until her front was being soaked through by his wet state. They kissed harder. When Kenshin pulled away, he made sure the only thing separating from her was his face. He still held her just as tight.
"Are you cold?" He asked, trailing his index finger up her spine in a way that made her shiver.
Kaoru let out a trembling breath. "You're wrong for me."
Kenshin let her go and walked back to put on his gi. When he turned to her, she couldn't help staring. His red hair was darkened and completely loose. It fell beautifully over his shoulders. His eyes shined with anticipation and longing. How could she say no to him?
Kenshin, without really knowing what he was doing, made like he was running into the water again, but ran right into Kaoru and pulled her in with him. They let out a splash and held each other under water. When they resurfaced, Kaoru was pulling away from him.
"Idiot!" She scolded with exasperation. She stood, and Kenshin got a proper look at her body. She was curved. Womanly. Beautiful…
"You're too uptight. You needed it." he declared knowingly.
Kaoru glared at him and waded out of the water, but he knew he'd seen a twinkle of delight in her eyes. The kimono sagged heavily, and as she turned around to yell at him more, Kenshin caught her open mouth in another kiss. This time, it was closer, more willing, more intimate… Kaoru grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled him harder against her. Kenshin felt his logic and thinking fly out of his mind and went into a state where his heart did all the thinking for him. He didn't think of anything else but her. He was caressing her curves. He was kissing her lips. His hands were in her hair. His body was pressed into her body. Everything revolved around her. Kaoru. The thing that was his. The thing that had been his ever since he first rescued her. That woman had seen it when she talked to him after the fight in Shoji Avenue. Others had seen it. Even Tae had seen it when they went to the Akabeko that day and got interrupted by Megumi's ranting.
Kaoru soon had to hug her arms around herself. "I'm cold." She said.
They met eyes, and silent understanding passed them both. Kenshin kissed her again, all the time leading her back to the carriage. He lifted her through the door and rested her on the leather bench, and Kaoru's body slid against the cushioning. She watched as Kenshin closed the door behind him. The compartment instantly warmed up. Kenshin placed one knee between her legs and rested his other leg on the floor. He leaned over and let Kaoru pull off his damp gi. Kaoru twisted around until her chest was against the seat so he could pull her obi knot apart. When Kenshin was left in his soaked hakama and Kaoru was in nothing more than her hip wrap and slightly transparent kimono shirt, he drew himself over her, gazed down into her sapphire eyes, and ran one hand over her barely clothed body. She watched him from her place beneath him, panting hard, waiting.
"You've had sex before." He said to her, caressing her cheek. "But you've never been loved."
Kaoru cupped his face in her hands, drew him down to her level, and touched his earlobe with the tip of her tongue. She slid the tips of her fingers over his bare arms and past his shoulders, all the way down to the belt of his hakama. She tugged on it and let it loose. "Then show me what it's like."
The next morning, it was as if falling into an exhausted sleep had taken Kenshin out of his state. He was logical and thoughtful again, and didn't rely only on his heart. But his mind was really teaming up with his heart at that moment. It was perfect…he told himself. He'd never be able to go back to anything less. Something had always been missing when he and Tomoe shared their occasional nights the way he just had. He'd always known in the back of his head that he was missing something. That 'something' was clearly present last night, when he shared it with Kaoru. Kenshin was lying naked on his back, and Kaoru was sprawled over him, one of her legs trapped between both of his. They were covered in a white blanket. She looked tired from the way she slumped over him and the way her lips parted slightly. Her hair was a mess, and sweat still clung to her skin. She looked blissful. More than just satisfied or content, but actually happy. He was, too.
But what had he done? When had he gotten so cruel? Kaoru wasn't supposed to mean anything to him, yet… he felt like she was the world and more to him. What about Tomoe? Sure, they seemed angry with each other when he'd left, but rockiness in their relationship didn't give him permission to love someone else. Then he stopped himself. Love? No. He didn't love her. Or did he…
Kenshin slapped his forehead again and again. "Damnit." He chanted. He felt so cruel. How could he live with himself? Did he love Kaoru? NO. Not at ALL. She was a one-night stand. That's all. He tried to repeat it to himself over and over, but the little, wise, knowing voice inside his head laughed. You do… it seemed to say.
Kenshin removed Kaoru gently from him. He had a good view of her whole body, unlike the night before, and stopped for a moment to stare at her. She was… she was perfect.
He lifted a hand and trailed it over the contours of her body, from head to toe. She turned over onto her side and shivered, so he covered her with the blanket again. He changed quickly, washed himself in the lake, and decided to leave. He would discuss things with Kaoru later. All he wanted to do was leave the place that contained the perfect memories of the night before. He wanted to forget his sin and move on. He couldn't go on like this. He wrapped himself more tightly in his haori, climbed to the front seat, grabbed the reins, and urged the horses forward.
///
Kaoru wasn't actually very surprised to wake up alone in a moving carriage compartment, lying on the leather bench completely naked and warmed by a white sheet draped carefully over her. Every memory of last night was stuck in her heart forever. She had always worried, after returning from Gohei's wrath, if she would be unable to marry because she knew how horrible sex was. But last night, with Kenshin… she knew that it was different. She knew it wasn't really supposed to feel the way it did when Gohei opened her up to his men.
It was supposed to feel the way it did the night before.
And it was amazing.
So why did she feel so much regret?
Kaoru knew why the moment she finished the question.
Kenshin was married. That love she felt last night wasn't for her. It was for his wife. The one he seemed to have forgotten about. The one he never talked about.
Kaoru sighed and held her head in her hands. Suddenly, she felt horribly sick. Being this way with Kenshin only made her life more complicated. She didn't know if she loved him. When Kaoru was with Sanosuke, she realized that her love for Sanosuke was what love was, and not her feelings for Keisuke. But when it came to Kenshin… did she love him? She felt stronger feelings for him the previous night than she ever had for Sanosuke. But she was willing to let him go. If he betrayed her, she wouldn't cry, or let her eating habits wither out. She would move on. Maybe it was only because their relationship was tentative, and the whole night happened by chance. They were both a little bit weird, freezing cold, and in some kind of daze that drove them into it. But Kaoru couldn't deny that she felt for him, and hoped from the bottom of her heart that somehow, he would have feelings for her, too.
Kaoru got dressed quickly and stayed in the back. She didn't want to face him just yet. Even though Kaoru had been broken in by Gohei almost three months ago, she still considered herself a virgin on the spiritual side. She hadn't done it willingly, and when it happened, she was being used and hadn't gotten anything but pain out of it. She considered last night to be the real loss of innocence. And she was ashamed. She considered it a sin –along with the gods- to do so before marriage. Kaoru sighed.
What mess had she created now?
///
Kenshin dropped her off at the dojo first, using some excuse about bringing the carriage back to the rental place early. Kaoru didn't have to question him. She fled to the safety of her house, and once she'd closed the door, she sank to her knees and let the tears run down her cheeks.
"Kaoru, you're so stupid…" she told herself, angrily wiping her tears away. "What are you crying for?"
He regrets it, too.
"Of course he regrets it…" She told herself.
He'll leave very soon, now.
"I'll understand his actions when he does."
You'll never see him again.
"Of course I'll see him again." She recited stubbornly.
Not if he doesn't want to see you.
Kaoru knew the voice inside her head was right. She knew that because of last night, and her stupid dream-talk and taunting (unintentional or not), she had lost him as a friend forever.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid, slutty, stupid, bitch! Stupid me!" She cried. "It's all my freaking fault, damnit!" She didn't care to check her kimono. It was on the brink of falling apart due to her tantrum. Kaoru lay in the entrance hall, her legs unevenly folded and the rest of her body sprawled over the floor. The kimono fell off her shoulders, revealing her shoulder blades and her spine all the way down to the middle of her back. She felt so dirty… she wasn't a virgin at all. The second Gohei had touched her, she was tainted, like the white flowers on her silk kimono. She didn't know how to deal with her sudden realization. All she could ask was, "Why did all this have to happen to me? Why did it have to happen to anybody?" She cried angrily and pounded one of her fists into the darkwood polished floors.
"Kaoru?"
Kaoru looked up and saw Misao kneeling in front of her, her slightly protruding belly bulging mildly over the waist belt of her new outfit.
"Misao?"
The younger girl, who suddenly seemed much older because she was engaged and pregnant, tried to lift Kaoru enough to look at her, but she didn't have to. Kaoru lifted her head, sobbed, and dove right into Misao's motherly arms.
"What's wrong, Kaoru?"
Kaoru sniffed and pressed further into Misao's softened stomach. "I've done a terrible thing."
"We were expecting you two to come home last night, Kaoru. You only just came back. Did something happen to you? Or Kenshin? Where is he? Did something happen to him? Tell me!!!" she gave her sobbing friend a desperate shake.
"He's going to be leaving us soon." Kaoru said.
"Silly," Misao smiled widely. "did he tell you that to your face?"
"No. But I've done something that will make him leave." Kaoru whispered sadly.
"All right." Misao said, hoisting Kaoru up by her underarms. "Come now. Tell me what happened slowly. Can it really be that bad?"
Kaoru lowered her head in shame.
"Kaoru?"
"I'm not innocent…" She whispered.
"What? If you're referring to Gohei, then don't worry. You're still innocent at heart. You were raped."
"No, Misao."
Misao caught on immediately. "You and Kenshin…"
Kaoru nodded. She covered her face in her hand, so she didn't see Misao's gaping mouth and wide eyes, sparkling with excitement until she looked up again.
"All right. So you two slept together. How can that drive him to leave? I mean… he should feel like a heavenly being for having someone as beautiful as you."
Kaoru smiled appreciatively, but her face fell. "He's married, Misao." Kaoru sighed weakly.
Misao's jaw dropped. "WHAT?"
Kaoru burst into tears again, and Misao felt horrible.
"All right, Kaoru. Listen to me. You tell me how it led up to it, step by step, and then I'll be able to tell you who's fault it was. But please don't worry too much."
Kaoru nodded. She began her story, from the moment they first kissed at her father's grave to the moment Kaoru told him to 'warm her up.' Misao was a great listener, raising her brow naughtily at some points. When Kaoru finished, Misao looked disappointed.
"You're not gonna give me the details?" She pouted.
Kaoru sat agape on the floor of the entrance hall with her friend. "Misao!"
Misao started laughing, and Kaoru joined in half-heartedly. "I was joking, silly!"
Kaoru glared at her. Misao took it as a sign to get to work.
"All right. Lets see. He started the closeness by offering his hand to you and promising to stay by your side. He started the first kiss. Then he started the second. He started the snowball fight. He started the stripping and the swimming. He pushed you into the water by running into you. He started the third kiss. He walked you to the carriage without pulling his lips from yours. He lifted you into it and laid you in the carriage seat on your back. He was the one who suggested sex. Do you know what you did?"
Kaoru sighed audibly. "The same thing, Misao."
"No! You didn't do the same thing! You only gave your consent. What's a girl to do? I know you and Kenshin have been close ever since he first came. Don't think I didn't see you two standing there in the forest. I think you may have fallen in love!" Misao cheered.
Kaoru stared into space. Maybe she had. Maybe she loved Kenshin. Maybe? If he leaves, what will you really do? The voice asked. 'Break down.' Kaoru answered to herself. 'Feel alone.' She sighed. 'Feel lost. Feel nervous. Feel heartbroken.' She knew what love was. She finally did. She didn't love Sanosuke. At least, maybe not enough. Not enough for her not to fall in love again. If Kenshin walked away from her… her heart would break.
"Oh, Misao…" Kaoru sobbed. "I… I… I love him! I love him so much…" Her tears fell heavily.
"Kaoru? Why are you crying?"
"But he doesn't love me, Misao…" Kaoru cried harder. "He's married, he's ashamed, and he'll be leaving soon… to go back to his wife and rekindle the fire."
Misao's face fell sadly. Why was love so easy for her but so hard for Kaoru? She pulled her friend to her chest and hugged her close. Kaoru was so exhausted, and things had been so hard for her for such a long time, that Misao didn't try to question her or convince her of anything this time. She just lent her a shoulder and let her cry.
///
"Damnit…" Kenshin cursed. He didn't know what to do. "Kaoru will hate me. Tomoe will hate me. That is, if she finds out, which isn't possible. But…" he stopped to cross the road. "Will I be okay with it if Kaoru hates me?"
He had a furious headache. He knew all of the stuff that had happened last night was his own fault. He'd started it all. And why? There was a fit of insanity going through him when he did what he did.
You can't lie to yourself, his conscience chanted. You loved it. It was perfect. You will never be able to forget it. You love her. You know you do.
"I don't." Kenshin told himself firmly. "I love Tomoe."
Do you?
"Yes." Kenshin said.
You don't. Admit it. You've been unfaithful. But at least you found what you really want.
Kenshin let out an angry roar as he threw the dojo entrance open. "Damnit!" he cried. "I'm so fucking screwed…"
He walked reluctantly down the path and up the steps. "What the hell am I gonna do about this?" But Kenshin already knew. He could choose the one owed his life and his loyalty to, or he could choose the one he owed thanks to. Of course, Tomoe and he were on rocky ground, but he couldn't abandon her. As for Kaoru… he would regret staying with her. He was sure he would.
Kenshin opened the door and stopped in his tracks. Mainly because Misao was holding Kaoru trembling in her arms and blocking the doorway. He heard sniffing, and then a sob. Kaoru was crying.
"Memories?" Kenshin asked Misao knowingly.
"Yeah." She lied. "Memories."
She was horribly surprised when Kenshin just shrugged and walked right past. Maybe Kaoru was right… Hadn't he always been there for her?
Kenshin went into his room and stared at everything in it. It was hardly personalized, but it had a sense of belonging to him in it. He began to pack, remembering every blissful moment that had passed in this lively, friendly place. It didn't take long before all of his gis and hakamas and kimono were in his traveling trunk. He sighed when it was over and looked around. He'd leave many memories behind in here. He heard a door open, and Kaoru stepped onto the threshold. Her arm was still outstretched as it clutched the door. Her face was tinted with pinkish blotches here and there. Her hair was messy in its ponytail, and sections of it fell over her shoulders, creating a frame around her face. The familiar scent of jasmine filled his nostrils. Her kimono was crumpled, her obi was wrinkled, and the knot was falling apart. But she was more beautiful in that moment than he'd ever seen her before. This was the way he would remember her- messy, tearstained, exhausted, but still magnificently beautiful.
"So… you're finally going." Kaoru said.
Kenshin nodded slowly. "I think you understand why. I need to get back to my old life before I ruin it here." He said.
Kaoru nodded and lowered her head as the tears in her eyes became thicker. Then it dawned on him. She hadn't been crying over Sanosuke. She'd been crying over him. Kenshin felt a horrible pain in his chest. For some strange reason, he felt so guilty to be the reason she was crying that he wanted to crawl into a hole.
"Kenshin…" She started unsurely.
"Yes, miss Kaoru?"
Kaoru started, but she hesitated. Then, after a second, she dropped quickly to her knees and bowed as low as she could with horrible gracelessness. "Gomen nasai. For last night. For all that I did. Please find it in your heart someday to forgive me." she whispered.
Kenshin didn't wait. He bowed down lower than her, until his whole face was pressed to the ground. He was so nervous that he became fully focused on the tatami's soapy, fresh scent.
Kaoru looked up slowly and frowned. "Kenshin?"
"Thank you, Kaoru dono, for having me in these past six weeks. You were a wonderful hostess. I greatly appreciated your care, and I know you work hard to take care of the others. I wish you the best of luck."
Kaoru sat up and literally slumped. Her eyes were dulled and set firmly on the folded hands in her lap. She didn't notice that Kenshin had moved until he sat right in front of her with a purposely loud flop.
"And please, miss Kaoru… remember that you don't need my forgiveness. You need my thanks. Thank you for last night. It will be a part of my heart forever."
Kaoru looked up at him with wide eyes, but looked down just as suddenly. Kenshin gazed at her. How was it possible for one girl to be so beautiful? She was like a goddess or an angel. And he was leaving this goddess/angel for the one he'd seen and been with first. It made sense… right?
Kenshin pulled her close to him and kissed her. Kaoru grabbed him and kissed him back, and when it was over, their faces lingered closely; their fingers caressed the contours of the other's face… they gazed at one another until the tears fell –from both pairs of eyes.
"Goodbye, Kamiya Kaoru." He whispered. Kenshin ran his hands firmly down her body, and Kaoru closed her eyes, and then, with only the sound of ruffling fabric and a sharply closed door, he was gone. Only his sandalwood smell remained.
Kaoru sat frozen in place for a long time, eyes closed and blinded from all that was going on around her. She was certain that everything really had stopped. The silence was buzzing in her ears.
If he leaves, what will you really do? The voice asked. 'Break down.' Kaoru answered to herself. 'Feel alone.' She sighed. 'Feel lost. Feel nervous. Feel heartbroken.' If he were to walk away from her, she wouldn't cry. She would die.
She could still feel the certain areas of her face and her body burning with the remnants of his touch. "Kenshin…" She ran her delicate fingers over her skin, then started to tremble. "Kenshin…" She let out a sob, collapsed, and promptly burst into tears.