A.N. I do not own Sailor Moon.
Are you serious?
Chapter 3
By Gabriel R. Lopez
"All right ultra chicks, let's get'em!" Ranma cried
"Dammit Usagi for the last time , we aren't the ultra chicks, we're the sailor scouts." Raye didn't like Usagi's new personality one bit.
"whatever, the sooner we get this over with the sooner I can get out of this stupid sailor-" Ranma was interrupted by Amy
" Sailor moon LOOK OUT!" Amy Cried
BOOM!
Some time earlier…
"Malachite, I'm bored…" said Beryl as she lay slumped over her crystal ball, her behind seated uncomfortably on her throne as she leaned forward. Her arms folded across the dark crystal as her head lay bonelessly. "Remind me again how we are going to get souls to fuel my evil empire again?"
"um…that was Jadeite's job, I'm helping you reclaim the power crystal thingy's remember." Malachite was bored also, he had been standing there for almost an hour waiting for his Queen to do something provocative, or wave her arms around. Something. Anything.
"oh, in that case, could you summon Jadeite's twin brother." It wasn't a question it was an order and Beryl expected Malachite to be accommodating or else
"Dolomite?" Malachite didn't know Beryl was feeling suicidal…
"yes, I want to start collecting souls again, and I barely have enough energy to sit on the throne and wave my arms over the crystal ball anymore." Beryl pouted for dramatic effect. It was scary.
"But lady Beryl, it's Dolomite…" Malachite took one look at Beryl's cold heartless expression and Knew he shouldn't press the matter further. Beryl glared at Malachite, sending a cold shiver down his spine. "are you sure we can trust him? I mean he's seems a bit-"
"Dolomite is named for the hard black mineral that will never let you down. He has to be good for something." Beryl hummed
"I'll summon Dolomite at once my queen." Malachite bowed and went off to gather Dolomite.
"and be sure to escort him to my bedchamber propperly." Beryl smirked.
Moments later…
Dolomite was escorted into Queen Beryl's royal bed chamber by Malachite, Dolomite was wearing a black loin cloth , shackled with iron manacles, and sporting a five o'clock shadow… there was no doubt in Beryl's mind Dolomite was Jadeite's evil twin.
"Do you know why I've summoned you here?" The queen asked
"Is it because you want to have you way with me?" Dolomite asked.
"Clever as always I see." The queen cleared her throat Tell me, do you think you could come up with a plan to defeat the sailor scouts and restore the dark kingdom to power?"
"My motivation for helping you would be?" Dolomite sneered.
"obviously. There isn't much I can't offer you. " The queen told him what he wanted to hear knowing that he'd never get into her panties…she was evil not stupid.
"what an interesting proposition. " unlike his brother Jed, Dolomite was not a smooth talking ladies man. In fact Dolomite was a nerd. A nerd with the body of Flash Gordon, but a nerd none the less. As such he was quite possibly the only virgin in the entire dark kingdom.
"Excelent!" The queen smirked. "I need a plan to extract the life-force from all the people of earth."
This was the chance dolomite had been waiting for, all the years of planning to restore the dark kingdom to glory would finally be heard by his queen. Dolomite cleared his throat "Humans like to waste their energy on things like love…what if we start a late night talk show, hosted by me and-"
"That's not going to work." Beryl stated flatly as Malachite snickered.
"ok, humans are obsessed with loosing weight, so if we open a gym-"
"ha!" Malachite almost laughed at Dolomite's stupidity.
"No" Beryl replied flatly, it was becoming apparent that as Jadeite's twin it might be unwise to let Dolomite come up with a plan.
"Humans expend a lot of energy trying to achieve scholastic achievement and-"
"No" Beryl groaned, this was a stupid idea. If she really wanted to take over the world she could hijack a few nukes and hold the world hostage; but no, she had to do it the old fashioned way. Who knew people had become so sophisticated over the last 10,000 years that a single teenage girl and a bunch of 8th graders could foil her plans so easily.
"what if we start a clock emporium and-"Dolomite started.
"No Jad…I mean Dolomite, all of those plans were foiled by the sailor scouts." it was clear the only advantage Beryl had over Sailor moon was her strategic genius. Beryl's strategic ability was somewhat lacking and had all the grace of a bull in a china shop. She was quite fortunate Sailor moon was incapable of coming up with a strategy on her own. The sailor scouts would have destroyed long ago if she could. "Listen you, If you can't provide me with a decent idea to harvest the life-force of a small 3rd world nation in the south pacific, you are of no use to me when we go global."
"Lady Beryl Japan isn't a country in the 3rd world." Malachite stated.
"Silence! If I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it!" said the queen of darkness. After a moment of silence.
"well?" Beryl asked impatiently.
"well what?" Dolomite asked out of confusion.
"what is your plan for sucking the life out of the population of earth and feeding my evil empire?" Beryl asked annoyed that Dolomite was no more competent than Jadeite, which was still a far sight more competent than she was.
"Ok, maybe I could disguise my self as a monk or a groundskeeper at a miko shrine and sell good luck charms to naive high school girls."
"Absolutely not." Beryl let out a fluffy, it was silent but deadly…she was royalty not a perfectionist.
"Ok, what if we start a transgender boy band, I heard they were very popular during the 90's and-"
"look if you aren't going to take this seriously I can just kill you now." Beryl threatened.
"Oh come on what do you expect me to do, dress up like the sailor moon and go to a comic book convention?" Dolomite asked in frustration.
"What a wonderful idea! " It was hard for Dolomite to tell if Beryl was being serious or facetious. "oh wait, no. Zoi already used that plan eight weeks ago, and now she's been terminated. Oh well, I guess I have to kill you now. " Beryl snapped her fingers as black lightning shot of from the ground and started to arch across Dolomite's body.
"wait! Hurk." Dolomite cried out in pain, the rest of his words were labored as he slowly fealt the life sucked out of him. "we could disguise ourselves as paramedics, ungh!" Dolomite collapsed to the ground.
Beryl snapped her fingers and the hurting stopped. "Go on…"
Dolomite coughed some blood on the floor and took a moment to recompose himself "People will do anything to stay alive, (cough) we could dis(cough)guise ourselves as paramedics and easily steal their life-force without notice. We'd also have a place to dump the bodies when we were through…"
"Malachite! Escort Dolomite to his brother's chambers and release him from his Shackles." Beryl ordered
"At once my queen." was Malachite's response
Meanwhile at the office of Dr. Mizuno…
"Other than the mallet sized knot on her head, and the minor skull fracture I see no reason why Usagi can't return home this evening." Amy's mother smiled and rubbed Ranma's head for good luck.
"Oh doctor that's wonderful! We were afraid our daughter had been abducted when witnesses reported they saw her with a large Chinese man in a peoples republic uniform carrying a large knife. " replied Usagi's mother.
"Look , I'm not your daughter! My name is Ranma, Ranma Saotome."
"Delusions are quite common with this kind of head trauma, so I would recommend that she wear a helmet for a few days, just to be on the safe side." The doctor's recommendations were noted.
"I ain't wearing no helmet, and I'm not your daughter!" Ranma whined.
Usagi's mother pulled Ranma into a bear hug. Ranma's face was squished against Ikukyo's boobs. "Don't worry sweetie, you don't have to wear the helmet if you don't want too."
Ranma's eye twitched, ever since she left that coven of witches and their little feline Satan, the adults had completely dismissed her warnings about Artemis. In fact , the paramedics pretended that they could hear Artemis talking too… when it was clear he had stopped talking the moment Raye's grandfather came in to check on them. Ranma was beginning to wonder if she really was crazy, and was considering the possibility that she could be this Usagi person until Artemis winked at her and told her to play along. That little bastard was going down, and he was going down hard.
"I'm not your daughter lady!" Ranma argued.
"if your aren't my Daughter then where do you live?" Ikukyo asked.
"…" Ranma wasn't sure how to answer that question, she never really had a permanent residence, and she didn't want to be engaged to that Akane girl.
"I guess that settles it then." Ikukyo replied
"stupid curse" Ranma spat.