THE HUMAN SUPER SAIYAN
Chapter 3: Chaos
Squiggles's UFO landed at the helicopter port on Planet Bob. Squiggles, Chuggles, Pikachu, and Parfait got out of the UFO.
"So this is Planet Bob," said Chuggles. "I wanna go back! I don't have a last name so I'm gonna die! I know it! I KNOW IT!"
"Then stay clear of us fighters," said Squiggles. "Count Geoffrey is going after tigers. There's a war going on and we're trying to end it. And possibly the fastest way of ending the war is by choosing a side."
"Choose a side?" repeated Chuggles.
"We'll have to go with the tigers," continued Squiggles, "because Count Geoffrey and his cousin Ruber are evil and are trying to conquer the universe."
Before long, a tiger ran by and hid inside a wardrobe. Count Geoffrey looked in the wardrobe, but he was afraid to go near the tiger. He wasn't the smartest villain, but he knew that if you corner any animal it will attack you. He opened the wardrobe… and a kitten jumped out.
"Seize him!" said the Count, but it was too late; the kitten ran off.
"I've hit wimp bottom," moaned Count Geoffrey. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number. "Reginald! You there? Come here and give me a makeover! Forget about the bloody tiger, give me a makeover!"
Before long, Patrick and Reginald drove up in their Ford car, which had several huge bites on it! The doors opened and water poured out of them. Patrick and Reginald stepped out of the car with huge bites all over them.
"I got bited in the eye!" whined Reginald.
"Quit complaining," said Count Geoffrey. "I want a makeover. And make it snappy.
Reginald took some paint and colored Count Geoffrey's skin green. Patrick took a permanent marker and colored his hair black. Then he put some food coloring in his eyes, turning them yellow. Reginald gave him a new suit of armor. Patrick removed his helmet and put on a dragon skull instead.
Squiggles, Chuggles, Parfait, and Pikachu were watching, when the wardrobe behind them jerked and a tiger jumped out of it. It looked at them and growled at them. Its teeth were bared.
"Hello. My name is Squiggles. In case you haven't noticed, I'm also a cat. We come in peace. We come to help you win the war."
The tiger looked at Squiggles.
"These are my friends. Here's Pikachu the yellow mouse, Parfait the red dronkey, and Chuggles the man with no last name."
"Nice to meet you," said the tiger, extending its paws to shake.
"You can talk?" said Squiggles, flabbergasted. "But you're a tiger!"
"So? Does that mean I can't talk?" he asked. "In case you haven't noticed, this story has dragons and aliens in it so a talking tiger shouldn't be too unusual. My name is Homer. I am a chief of the tribe, but we soon found ourselves being enslaved by Count Geoffrey so we enlisted in one of Bojack's wars so we could have a shot at defeating him once and for all."
"We're out to stop his domination of the world," said Squiggles.
"Better make it quick," said Homer. "Here comes a plumber and a world champion! Both of them are jerks, and they're just trying to get some credit. They do not know their peril."
A man named Anthony Scapelli came, waving to the audience. He faced Count Geoffrey.
"I'm out to defeat you for the price on your head," said Scapelli. "I'll be rich enough to afford solid gold tools and more technology so even those Mario Brothers won't compar…"
At that moment he stopped and realized he could say nothing but "Oo oo! Aa aa!" For Count Geoffrey had looked directly at Ruber and snapped his fingers, and Ruber had poured a potion (that he bought from some witches) on Scapelli's hair. Scapelli then turned into a monkey.
"I am the world champ! Bow before the mighty Hercule!" said Hercule Savage. He ran up to Count Geoffrey and slugged him in the face.
"Hey!" said Ruber, and he drew his sword. At that moment, the tiger leapt into the fray and dragged Hercule behind a rock.
"Don't eat me! I'm too young to die!" said Hercule.
"Your daughter is 17 years old right now," said Homer. "And I'm not here to eat you. Ruber was going to kill you. I saved your life. Now stay there or else he WILL kill you!"
Homer then ran at Patrick and started mauling him.
"Get off him!" said Reginald, kicking Homer in the face. Homer turned toward Reginald and jumped up and bit his ankle! Reginald collapsed in pain from one little bite. Homer had no intention of killing him so he bit him as gently as he could, but Reginald made such a big deal of it that Count Geoffrey took a mallet and bashed him on the head. Reginald and Patrick lay on the ground unconscious.
"So you're the leader of the tigers," said Count Geoffrey. "If I catch you, the war will be over! I'll control you for my evil empire and all the tigers will be forced to obey you or else they will die! GAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"All right Pikachu and Parfait! Use your fire and electricity to burn his mustache off! Without his funny chin whiskers, he won't have the charisma to lead the team and he'll have no choice but to surr…"
Suddenly four dragons ran up to them.
"You'll never get away with this!" said Princess Flame.
"I suppose you were the one who invaded Totokama and stole my inventions!" said Flicker.
"And where are those albums that you hijacked from me?" asked Sir Blaze. "And why would you want them anyway?"
"I don't," said Count Geoffrey. "This might be hard for you to hear, but I'm straight. I plan on burning the albums once I finish conquering the universe!"
"Seriously, those are the only three dragons from Quest for Camelhot that have ever faced him!" said Cornwall.
"But we're here and we're from Quest for Camelot! Isn't that good enough?" said Devon.
"Shut up cricketball!" said Cornwall. "And I'm not talking about Camelot. I'm talking about this gun here!"
"But Sir Burnevere had a cameo appearance," said Devon as he stared at the gun that Cornwall held up.
"You can't breathe fire or fly – as I can – because you can't agree on anything!" said Blaze.
Suddenly, Flicker and Flame gasped. Devon and Cornwall turned around to see a deranged gunman holding a gun to Devon's head.
"Gimme the gun, I'm taking the car!" he said.
"What do I do about him?" asked Devon. The gunman looked and saw a knifeman with a knife aimed at him.
"I don't want the car, I just need a gun!" said the knifeman.
"You can cut with the Scary Movie 4 act. There's a war going on here," said Count Geoffrey. But before he or Ruber could act, Homer jumped up and bit the gunman and the knifeman in the arm. He didn't bite that hard but the two men ran away crying and screaming like two-year-old girls cornered by hungry tarantulas after inhaling fifty pounds of helium each.
"Time to die!" said Count Geoffrey. "Ruber! Kill the tiger!"
"But you said…" began Ruber, but Geoffrey interrupted him.
"You idiot! We can have 34 tigers in our empire. One won't make a difference! If we kill him, the war ends in our victory!"
"But he's the leader, and he'll be stronger than…"
"He won't fall victim to the Mega Ray," said Count Geoffrey. Ruber pinched himself repeatedly and then punched the unconscious Reginald.
"What are you doing?" asked Count Geoffrey.
"You actually said something intelligent! I never thought I'd hear something intelligent coming out of your mouth!"
"Why did you punch FedEx?" asked the Count.
"To make sure I wasn't dreaming," said Ruber.
"You're supposed to get someone to pinch you! Not punch them!"
"But Reginald was unconscious."
"CAN WE JUST GET TO THE BATTLE?!" said Devon and Cornwall.
"This long wait just drives me nuts!" said Devon.
"I agree!" said Cornwall. "When are we gonna stop chatting and start fighting?
Since both heads of the dragon agreed on something, they were able to fly. They breathed fire at Ruber, scorching him.
"You'll pay for that!" said Ruber. And he grabbed a mace from his utility belt and ran at Devon and Cornwall. They breathed fire at him again and chased him around. While this was happening, Count Geoffrey dueled Flicker, Flame, and Blaze at once.
"Why is it always those three dragons?" asked Chuggles.
"Cause one of them has lick in his name, one of them has flame in her name, and one of them is ga…"
Before Squiggles could finish, Count Geoffrey was smashed through the rock the four were hiding behind and they ran to hide behind another rock as Flicker, Flame, and Blaze pulled out spiked clubs and beat him up with it!
"STOP! STOP!" said Count Geoffrey. "Ruber! RUBER! COME HERE!"
"Ruber is gone," said Blaze in his most high-pitched voice.
"That does it! I'm not hunting dragons, I'm hunting tigers! But you were my enemies first, and now would be a good time to achieve my transformation!"
Flicker, Flame, and Blaze breathed fire directly at Count Geoffrey! He jumped out of the way and the fire hit the Dodge car and burned it to the ground.
"No! My car! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" said Count Geoffrey. Having suffered the pain of loss (not for the first time, since he has lost a bunch of his plans many times before, but for the first time with Saiyan blood in his veins), he became so angry that he powered up and got lots of big muscles! His hair turned blonde and his eyes green.
Whoa! Count Geoffrey has achieved Super Saiyan transformation! Is there any way to defeat this human Super Saiyan? Stay tuned for more chaos.