Are you serious ?
Chapter 5
By Gabriel R. Lopez
Standing beside the wreckage of what was once the Tsukino home., the ambulance arrived. It was a very evil ambulance that should have carted Ranma off to the hospital after having arrived at the Tsukinos. Unfortunately, the paramedics arrived at the scene a little too late in Ranma's opinion. While she was explaining the inner workings of the Jusenkeyo curse to a very irate Ken Tsukino, Ranma noticed something unusual when she was in feline form. There was a funny smell in the Tsukino home, she had noticed it when she had first arrived but thought the smell had gone away until she transformed into her capybara form. After transforming back into her human form It didn't take Ranma long to realize that this was the result of a gas leak, that probably explained why everyone in the Tsukino home had started acting very silly right about the time Ranma tried to excuse herself from the dinner table.
Fortunately for Ranma, her biological father thought it would be a good idea to train Ranma in drunken monkey Kung Fu. Of course since it was illegal to provide children with alcohol, Genma thought himself quite the genius when he discovered methane had the same effect. As a result Ranma suffered minor brain damage and had developed a tolerance for carbon monoxide poisoning. Ironically, Ken had finally fallen victim to the affects of the gas leak after he decided to throw Ranma into a the stockpot of Miso soup…which was still quite hot. Ranma wasn't exactly sure how she had been transported from the bathroom to the kitchen, or why she was covered in Miso soup… in her birthday suit … with a stockpot on her head, but she knew something wasn't right.
After removing the pot from her head she realized what was wrong, just not immediately. After getting everyone safely out of the house…including Hamtaro Sammy's pet hamster. A tormented creature who had the cutest little yellow bandanna around his neck and his own hermetically sealed environment. Ranma lay the bodies carefully on the front lawn. Contrary to popular belief Ranma did have a sense of decency …which is why she thoughtfully covered herself with the Tsukino's welcome mat and waited for the medics to arrive. And that was when the lightning bolt struck the Tsukino home causing it to explode in a massive ball of fire. Ranma blinked and then stared unimpressed at the house as it burned to the ground…
The paramedics arrived in a black ambulance, it's markings were yellow…Ranma had never seen a black ambulance, until now, of course Ranma had only seen the ones they used during the day. And, for Ranma, it made sense that the hospitals would use a less noticeable vehicle for night runs…you know so they couldn't be seen by the police when they violated the traffic laws to rescue people.
The ambulance didn't so much arrive as crash into a nearby light pole, but Ranma was so high on gas fumes the logic of the situation wasn't processing. An ambulance was an ambulance, and the Tsukino's needed help
"Oh, thank god! There was a gas leak and then the house exploded… I had nothing to do with it by way" Ranma stated in a panic. It took Ranma a moment realize she had dropped the welcome mat in her excitement, but it was so dark out…and the raging bonfire of the Tsukino home was so bright Ranma looked like a black silhouette in the darkness.
There were six paramedics in total, all appeared to be in their early twenties. Their faces hidden in shadow as they seemed in no hurry to help the fallen Tsukino family members. Of the six paramedics, five were female and one was male. Odd thing was they turned away from Ranma and her newly adopted family to face four very lovely girls wearing leotards, knee length boots, and golden crowns upon their foreheads.
"Halt cretins!" shouted Sailor Jupiter as another lightning bolt struck the ground behind her in a dramatic fashion "we're not through with you yet!"
"Um…Could I get a little help here." Ranma asked, innocently covered by the welcome mat.
"Usagi?" Mercury asked. Usagi looked, bedraggled, and her home was apparently on fire…and appeared to be the focal point of Jupiter's last lightning bolt. "MERCURY TIME FREEZE !" in that moment hell froze over, causing time to pause momentarily in the real world, while the scouts get their bearings. At the the gates of time Pluto is awakened from cryogenic stasis…finally.
"Oh way to go Lita, you blew her house up." Mars Sniped.
"Shut up Raye!" Jupiter snapped.
"are you all right?" Venus asked the somewhat confused Usagi
" I don't have any clothes, but other than that I'm fine." Ranma stated.
"well we can fix that. " said mars as she threw Usagi her wand.
"um, it's a nice dildo. But, I'm not really interested." Ranma was actually quite disgusted.
"IT'S NOT A DILDO!" Raye yelled.
"Just transform already. There's no telling how much longer hell will stay frozen over."
Ranma momentarily wondered how thes girls knew about his curse as time started to re assert itself… she still didn't know what she was supposed to do with the dildo thingy. Ranma then noticed an inscription carved into the wand " moon crisis power?"
Suddenly a rainbow of light surrounded Ranma. Her long hair morphed as it unbraided itself, twisting into two large buns, the remaining hair flowed from the poms like streamers. Ranma then felt dizzy as her body hovered momentarily in air. A heart shaped ruby appeared on her chest, as a leotard of ribbons formed and covered her like an exotic bathing suit. Then her body seemed to have a will of its own as she closed her eyes and let the power flow through her. Her arms and legs felt as if they were wrapped tightly in gauze, but the material felt as fine as silk and leather. Finaly a crown appeared on her head, followed by two semi circle hair buds and wings in her hair.
Ranma opened her eyes the transformation complete… wait a second, why was she wearing a miniskirt and… "Oh my god!" Ranma shouted as she realized she was dressed in the same skimpy outfit as the others. Worse still, she felt even more naked than when she was using the welcome mat to cover herself…
"hurry up Sailor moon, we have to stop the doom and gloom girls"
"who?" Ranma asked. Apparently having lost two whole minutes of time during the transformation. After easily destroying one of the doom and gloom girls with a dazzling right hook. Ranma took to her new role as leader of the ultra chicks with impressive gusto. "All right ultra chicks. Let's get'em!"
"Dammit Usagi" mars shouted "for the last time we aren't the ultra chicks, we're the sailor scouts."
"Whatever, the sooner we get this over with the sooner I'm out of this hideous outfit."
In all honesty the fight really wasn't fair, until the Scouts had stopped fighting the doom girls. Apparently they were easily vaporized the minute Sailor Moon's fist made contact with just about any part of their body…I mean they tried to block, but Ranma was like a steamroller.
"Sailor moon LOOK OUT!" Sailor mercury cried out, but it was too late. Sailor moon was thrown forcefully into the neighbors yard as the sprinkler system went off. The night was dark, the moon was yellow. The lamppost had been an early casualty in the fight against the minions of darkness, and it was hard for the scouts to see anything beyond the three foot radius of Usagi's house burning to the ground. The scouts tripped over the bodies of the Tsukino's on more than one occasion and Mars almost vaporized Hamtaro. While moon was distracted, the rest of the girls desperately fought against Dolomite with the similar results to the doom girls vs. Ranma Soatome. After about 45 seconds of fighting there were only three doom and gloom sisters left. Jupiter found an opening in Dolomite's defense and gave a swift uppercut to Dolomite knocking him on the ground flat.
"What's happened to sailor moon ? " Lita , disguised as sailor Jupiter asked.
It was then out of the darkness a black haired senshi of no recognizable origin entered the fray. Appearing out of nowhere, dressed identically to sailor moon, she successfully incapacitated one of the doom and gloom sisters with the most impressive display of aerodynamic martial arts anyone in the group had ever seen.
"who are you?" sailor mars asked
"Lady Kaguya" Dolomite smirked, as he had the doom and gloom girls halt their attack. "we meet again."
"who the Bleep is lady Kaguya?" Ranma asked, "I'm sailor moon, I will right wrongs and defend the innocent." Ranma then posed dramatically. where the heck did that come from? Ranma wondered. It was as if Ranma had the compulsion to spout off nonsense "and in the name of the moon I will punish you!" Ranma was also curious as to why she hadn't transformed into her capybara form. Maybe her curse had locked itself. Things were starting looking hopeful until Satan showed up and caused her some more trouble.
"Lady Kaguya?" Artemis dissected his brain, where did he know her from…an then it was clear. She was a minion of the dark kingdom. That's how he knew her name and why she looked so familiar. Yes, that had to be the answer. "Girls, It's a trap. Kaguya is in league with Beryl. "
"What?" Was the collective response from the sailor scouts and Kaguya. The remaining doom and gloom girls watched as the Sailor scouts immediately turned on their new ally. darn, where's popcorn when you need it?
"what have you done with Moon?" Raye, better known as Sailor Mars demanded.
"Ladies," Dolomite sneared "aren't you forgetting something?" the sailors attention was diverted back to Dolomite and the DNG girls.
"You got a lot of nerve Dolomite, if that is your real name." Mina, also known as Sailor Venus, sassed.
"Yeah Jadeite, we don't buy the whole evil twin garbage." Lita scowled.
"yeah, 'cause if you were his evil twin that would make you good…right?" Amy, better known as sailor mercury, was looking for logic where there was none. the girls were interrupted when they heard a paniced shreic of terror.
"Back off Satan!" Ranma yelled as she got in a defensive position to protect herself from Artemis. a staff weapon was drawn to Artemis's neck, and looked quite vicious.
The scouts turned their attention back to Kaguya who seemed unjustifiably terrified of Artemis. the bo staff Kaguya had summoned appeared to have a circlet on one end and a crescent moon on the other. Dolomite recognized it immediately. The weapon was second in power only to the silence glaive and was responsible for the destruction of one of Saturn's moons.
Telepathically, Dolomite contacted the DNG girls "we should leave, this could get very ugly." he then sent them telepathic images of the destruction of the dark kingdom's colony on Mimas.
"Farewell ladies, I bid you adieu." with that Dolomite and the doom girls faded into the shadows.
Simultaneously, Ranma unintentionally de-transformed…and fell to the ground with a thud.
"LUNA!" Artemis was thrilled s he rushed to his greet friend.
"Stay away from me!" Ranma screeched as she clawed at Artemis to defend herself.
"you're not mad about the whole Kaguya thing are you?" Artemis asked. "Had I known it was you I would have never suspected you of working for the dark kingdom."
"I said stay away" Ranma then looked at the sailor scouts " all of you, just leave me alone."
"Luna, are you alright?" Venus asked asked
"I' ain't Luna." Ranma sobbed "why can't you all just leave me alone!" Ranma then hightailed it out of there as fast as her little legs could carry her. Ranma didn't know what to do, she ran away and kept on running until she collapsed from exhaustion…