Are You serious?
By Gabriel R. Lopez
A hamster's life is fraught with peril, more so if your name is Ryoga Hibiki. The trouble all started few weeks ago when this crazed blonde haired psycho chasing a panda knocked him into ham-mini-chuan, the dreaded spring of drowned hamster. Fortunately the guide, who was chasing after the girl, spotted him struggling to reach the shore of the massive gulf. The guide had an diabolical grin on his face … Quickly , the guide fished Ryoga out of the spring using the small strip of cloth that was magically bonded to Ryoga.
The Hibiki clan was notorious for getting lost, even during the silver millennium. So, on a whim Queen serenity decided it would be a good idea to create a map that would always lead the Hibiki's to wherever they wanted to go…a map only readable to those without any sense of direction… and, like a fishermen, she taught them how to make more, so that all the members of the Hibiki clan may benefit. Ryoga, having never realized that the bandanna may serve a purpose other than keeping his head warm, was bored when his father explained the finer points of the magical cloth…which is probably why he missed the part where he could use it as a map to get him to the place where he needed to be.
The guide, Ryoga soon discovered, was also quite the businessman. Apparently he had rather large collection of exotic animals…all victims of Jusenkeyo, all of whom were sold on e-Bay. Before he knew what hit him, Ryoga had been purchased by a little girl, and was on a plane to Japan to start his new life as Hamtaro. Having never learned the trigger of the curse, Ryoga would most likely spend the rest of his life in hamster hell… and it got worse when he discovered the Ham-Hams. Apparently the hamsters had a whole underground society where they could "never get enough friends" everything and everyone was so saccharine sweet it sickened him. Boss was sympathetic though, he too was a wandering martial artist who had fallen victim to Jusenkyo. Boss taught Ryoga the finer points of Ki manipulation and even taught him a special move known as the chushaku hokudan.
The chushaku hokudan was an awesome technique that could be used to burn the hairs off a cat's nose… the move wasn't exactly lethal, but the cat's knew better than to mess with the ham ham. Additionally, when Ryoga discovered that hot water restored his human form it came in real handy for heating water. Sadly, in the week since he obtained his curse Ryoga had gotten so used to being called Hamtaro that he flubbed when he introduced himself to Minako and Lita. he corrected himself, but it by that point the girls were teasing him about it.
Of course, as wonderful as it was to discover he could return to his human form, it wasn't permanent. A light summer rain and Ryoga was once again no bigger than a mouse. Having wandered through the cat door of the Tsukino home Ryoga was soon discovered by Sammy. Unlike the Haruna girl, Sammy Tsukino was a little terror. Sammy wasn't a serial killer or anything, but he had some funny ideas about what he considered playtime. Sammy would often use electro-shock to teach his furry friends rhythmic gymnastics. he had hamster scale replica's of ribbons, batons and sailor scout uniforms. When Sammy wasn't using the running ball to play soccer, sometimes he would dress Ryoga up as sailor moon, tie him with dental floss and use his sailor scout action figures to save him from the clutches of nega-creeps.
Sometimes Sammy would get angry when Ryoga bit him. Then Sammy would lock him in the freezer, sometimes for a whole three minutes as punishment. Being a hamster sucked… it sucked out loud. It was no wonder Sammy's previous rodent companions escaped. Of course since the Tsukino's had a cat they had to make sure that the cage was secure. With the cage being hermetically sealed, nothing gets in and nothing gets out. The cage had it's own independent oxygen supply, and was completely Chushaku Hokudan proof. Ryoga discovered the glass was too thick for his energy blasts to penetrate. Escape was going to be a monster of an undertaking. Apparently, Sammy's last hamster had his own escape plans and made a suicide pact with Luna…The details were sketchy, but considering Sandy's suicide note was made with his own urine, Ryoga thought it wise not to get on Sammy's bad side.
Describing the events that led to his final escape would be difficult. As the events were so truly bizarre that no one would ever believe a word of it. There was absolutely no way to explain any of it without sounding like a lunatic. A naked girl with long blonde hair carted his cage to the front lawn, Ryoga had a nosebleed and everything after that as a total blur. The Night was young the moon was yellow. Down the street the ambulance flew. All of a sudden an explosion was heard, then all hell broke loose and the cage was smattered by a flying dog turd. After witnessing the ambulance crash into a light pole. With a brain the size of a pea, Ryoga's ability to process the information was limited. Wicked, WTF? No Way, and Holy Shirt That's awesome, pretty much summed up the entire experience. At one point it was as if hell froze over and all the chaos was released in a single burst of thought.
Another fortunate turn of events for Ryoga occurred when one of the scouts tripped over Sammy's body and nearly destroyed his cage. Luckily, this blunder allowed Ryoga to escape his glass prison. Unfortunately, with no sense of direction he wound up wandering into the heart of the battle instead of away from it and Sailor mars almost tripped over her feet not to squish him. When the new senshi finally arrived, the fighting pretty much came to a halt. After seeing her Ryoga was in love…Kaguya, even the name brought hearts to his eyes. She was the most beautiful magical girl ever, and for Ryoga at least, it made sense that she would need a cute furry magical companion to aid her in her quest for justice. Then she sneezed and the fantasy was ruined when she turned into a cat. Of all the rotten luck.
' oh well,' Ryoga thought 'we can't all be perfect.' Ryoga decided that Kaguya would have to become human again sometime, and when she did, he'd be waiting for her with a bouquet of roses. He could become her Lunar Knight in shining armor…her prince. Ryoga was already thinking of a way to hide his human identity. A tuxedo and a mask could work, it seemed to look good on the action figure that was always rescuing sailor moon.
Ryoga then noticed his true love run off in a panic, he chased her for a while…but got confused and lost her. Poor Kaguya, who else but him could understand her. Blood gushed from his nose as he remembered the naked girl from the house…wait a second wasn't she the same girl that pushed him into the spring. Because of her, that girl , he'd seen hell. SHE was responsible for everything bad that had happened. Usagi…yes, that was it. Ryoga remembered her name from when Sammy was telling him about his sister and showing him pictures. "USAGI TSUKINO PREPARE TO DIE!" Ryoga squeaked. "Just you wait, I'll get you and your little brother too!"