Chapter 9
Let not my love be call'd idolatry,
Nor my beloved as an idol show,
Since all alike my songs and praises be
To one, of one, still such, and ever so.
Kind is my love to-day, to-morrow kind
Still constant in a wondrous excellence;
Therefore my verse to constancy confined,
One thing expressing, leaves out difference.
'Fair, kind and true' is all my argument,
'Fair,kind, and true' varying to other words;
And in this change is my invention spent,
Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords.
'Fair, kind, and true,' have often lived alone,
Which three till now never kept seat in one.
('Sonnet 105', William Shakespeare)
I
She was glad to basking in some fresh air while staring aimlessly out into the cityscape. The rooftop pool area of the hotel served as an unusual refuge while foreshadowing the onset of bad weather. The hustle and bustle of the central business district mirrored her own internal rumblings. It wasn't as if she had naively expected him to be jubilant over seeing his own father again. That, she knew, was always going to be a hard mountain to scale. But for him to callously brush her wants aside, struck a nerve that she didn't even know existed. So much so that Nodame herself was surprised at the extent of her wrath. It wasn't the first time, he had been brusque with her in all their years together and yet… there was something about this incident that vexed even her otherwise affable nature.
Nodame had striven to be the dutiful wife these past 8 years. She had worked hard to prove her worthiness to stand alongside the great Chiaki Shinichi, hadn't she? Yet there was a lingering uncertainty hanging over her whispering doubts in her ear that she would never be quite the wife for him. No matter what she did, or how many competitions she'd win, she would never be his equal. It had never troubled her before… she had always been loyally proud of him. But now that they were really husband and wife, she yearned to be much more than an ornament hanging off his arm or the sideshow to the main event. She knew what people thought about her behind her back… or what the gossip mongers said about her, not being in his class. The truth was, while it hadn't bothered her much in the past, she could help but harbour a sneaking suspicion that underneath all his professions of devotion, he actually felt the same way. Why else wouldn't he let her get close to his past? Didn't he trust her? Wasn't she important enough for him to share his innermost thoughts? Perhaps she had been rather naïve in believing that somehow marriage would magically change the terms in which they related to one another. She had tried hadn't she… taken both Milch and Vieira sensei's advice… tried to be a real wife, looked out for his interests and tried to help him deal with his past, only to be spurned for her efforts. Besides, his father was a different man to what his son had remembered him to be and like everyone else, deserved a second chance.
It was then she noticed that the tears had stopped falling, the residue of which had dried up on her cheeks. She felt a wave of tiredness wash past her… utterly worn down by the day's events. What was she, one woman, to do on her own? It was hard to believe that so much had happened in one day. Her time in Vienna was turning out to be far more eventful… much more challenging than she had anticipated.
"A penny for your thoughts, my dear." A voice that matched her own tiredness caused her to jump to attention.
It was the ubiquitous James Beresford who had somehow managed to get her alone yet again.
"Eh… James? What are you doing here?" She asked, clearly startled by his sudden appearance from nowhere.
"I could ask you the same thing." She's been crying. Wonder what about?
"Nothing special." She responded nonchalantly. "What about you?"
"I came here to think."
James Beresford certainly did not look his usual urbane self. His hair and face bore the appearance of a man who craved rest.
"Is everything alright?" Nodame looked concerned.
Beresford did nor respond immediately. Staring bleakly into the clear blue sky around him, he murmured to himself.
" 'Things base and vile, folding no quantity,
Love can transpose to form and dignity:
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is wing'd Cupid painted blind:
Nor hath Love's mind of any judgement taste;
Wings and no eyes figure unheedy haste:
And therefore is Love said to be a child,
Because in choice he is so oft beguiled.'" (1)
"Huh?" Nodame looked at Beresford with the wide-eyed curiosity of a child.
"It's Shakespeare, my dear. I'm sorry, I was thinking about a friend."
"Your friend?"
"He almost died yesterday."
"Really… I'm sorry…" Nodame was at a loss for words. This was not Beresford the predator she had come to be leery of. This unexpected side to him was almost human.
"He was a fool. A complete and utter fool."
"Was he?"
"Yet, I envy him." He continued as if he had not heard Nodame.
"You do?"
"He, at least, gave himself over to love. That takes a certain kind of courage. Foolish perhaps but enviable in some farcical way." Saying that, he turned to give his attention to Nodame. "You've been crying." He said matter-of-factly.
"Just a bit of dust that got into my eye." Nodame stared down at the concrete below her feet to avoid his piercing gaze.
"Is it now?
'Would it not grieve a woman to be overmastered with a piece of valiant dust? to make an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl?' (2)
I wonder who's the fool in this play… the wife or the husband? He lifted her chin to face him. "Men are fools, Nodame. The sooner you realize that, the better. They are nothing without women… don't you let the husband of yours tell you otherwise."
Beresford withdrew his fingers from under her chin and walked away abruptly, leaving Nodame to meditate alone on that unexpected piece of wisdom.
"So what are we going to do, Justin?" His hapless bride looked at him helplessly.
"Is there anything to do? She can't do anything to us. This is the twenty-first century. We're both adults."
"She could make life difficult for you."
"Perhaps but I don't mind… as long as…" He hesitated.
"As long as what?"
"As long as you are happy. As long as you have no regrets being with me. I can put up with ten of your mother."
"Why do you keep talking about that? Of course I have no regrets!" She promptly wiped her eyes to prove the point. "It's just that… I don't want to put you in a difficult position. You know what mama can be like."
"Not a chance. I'm the resident provocateur remember? Half the guild groans in protest when I get up to speak. I'm used to being in these kinds of awkward situations."
"Justin… I don't know what I did to deserve you."
He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Just by being your adorable self. Now, I don't want you to fret over this. I'll think of something to smooth things over with your mother. Stay here, order room service if you need to and I'll be back after the meeting. Apparently a lot has happened in the last twenty four hours and I probably should attend this meeting."
"Don't worry about me, Justin. I'll be fine." She made an attempt to reassure him.
"I know. I'll take you somewhere nice for lunch so don't eat too much."
"I'm counting on it."
The young conductor leaned over and gave his eager new wife, who was now suitably consoled, a peck on her forehead and made for the door.
Sprawled stomach down on the bed, Nodame was going through some of the music when her phone sounded.
"Are you alright, Nodame?" Her father-in-law's voice on the other side of the line revealed his uneasiness.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry about lunch, gifu. For leaving so suddenly." She mumbled apologetically.
"It's quite alright… Not entirely unexpected. I would've been more surprised if he hadn't been angry. I am sorry though…"
"Why?"
"I've made things difficult for you."
"For me? No… not at all."
"He can't have been too happy with you."
"Don't worry about that. I can handle his bad temper. I've had lots of practice."
I'm sure you have. "I'm also sorry that we didn't get to finish our conversation."
"Me too."
"Another time, perhaps?"
"Definitely, gifu… I'm thinking that when I get back to Paris, I'll send you some photos of us… of the wedding too. Your collection seems rather… incomplete."
"You're right, it is incomplete. I have… so much… catching up to do."
"You sure do."
"Thanks to you, Nodame. I'll at least be able to find out what I've been missing."
It was then Nodame heard some fumbling at the door, lowered the volume of her voice and spoke with some degree of urgency..
"Gifu, I hate to break this off but I think he's back."
"I understand. Thank you, Nodame. It's been a pleasure."
"Take care of yourself, gifu."
"You do the same, Nodame."
Chiaki walked through the door, bracing himself for another fiery tirade. But to his great surprise, it did not come. Instead, he was greeted by a seemingly subdued wife, who had apparently been pouring over her scores in preparation for the next recital.
"Back already, husband?" She looked up and promptly filed away her scores under the bed.
"Yes… everything finished early." She seems to have calmed down.
"Would you like to have a bath now?"
"Er… not right away…"
"Well, if that's the case, I think I'll have my bath now."
"Nodame… I… erm… before you do that, can we talk?"
"What about?"
"About earlier… I didn't get a chance to explain myself."
"I thought you made your feelings very clear."
"I don't want you to get the wrong idea."
"It seems to me rather simple. You don't want me to have anything to do with your father."
"Well, yes…"
"You don't want me to ask you any questions about your childhood because asking about your childhood means that you will have to talk about your father."
"Well, I… er… suppose…" Why couldn't this woman be this calm and level-headed before?
"Fine, as I said, 'simple'. I won't ask about your childhood again. Now can I have my bath? Nodame can't be expected to play the dutiful wife if she doesn't smell or look the part."
Before he could say another word, she bowed ceremoniously like the dutiful wife that she claimed to be and ambled off to the bathroom in a similar fashion. After that brief exchange any victory he had seemingly gained felt painfully hollow. Clearly, she had no interest in revisiting the subject and while he should have been elated that she had come round so easily, he felt utterly deflated. Her unnaturally placid demeanour, for one, was not encouraging. Nodame was not being Nodame and it bothered him greatly. Worse still, he had a terrible feeling that there was something he was missing and that he was most likely in bigger trouble than he had originally thought he was.
He fell into the bed and lamented at the state of affairs between Nodame and himself. Did that meeting with his father change her mind that much? He wondered at what grossly pathetic tale of woe his father had concocted to gain her sympathy. He just couldn't understand it. Was he being unreasonable? Surely she didn't expect him to fall in with more of her delusions… of being a happily reunited family, pretending that nothing of the past had happened?
Chiaki was astonished… although not entirely… at how quickly his father had taken to Nodame. Still, he knew better than anyone that sooner or later, those who came in contact with her would fall in love with her beguiling oddness. Unlike him, she saw no need in wearing masks… the world saw her as she was and when she made music it was much the same. She wore herself… mind, body, heart… on her sleeve… with reckless abandon.
The dutiful wife act was an aberration whose rationale escaped him. It was a mask that concealed a suppressed rage. A mask that was threatening to turn into a wall.
II
She was dressed simply in a sleeveless, black, silk dress with a mandarin collar. It was the latest in a long line of projects her seamstress aspirant mother had undertaken. The dress gave her an air of quiet elegance which seem to cancel out her childlike mannerisms as she donned it. Before his eyes, she turned into a creature of sophistication, a spectacle which marveled and disquieted him. She looked lovely… beautiful almost but her eyes contained a faraway look that told of unspoken moodiness. For the first time, in a very long time Chiaki felt excluded… like a passing stranger to her thoughts and emotional state of mind.
"You look… lovely… Nodame. The dress fits you well."
"Really? I wasn't sure… if I should…" She brightened momentarily. "I'm glad you like it, husband."
"I do. But you didn't have to go to all this trouble. It's only a simple dinner."
"It wasn't any trouble… I just want to give a good impression."
"You will."
She rewarded him with a smile which barely reached her eyes. He noticed it and interpreted it as reluctance.
"You know, Nodame, we don't have to do this… if you don't want to. I could ring…"
"No. That would be rude. Cancelling at the last minute." She cut him off quickly. "Of course, we're going. It would be nice to meet your president. I don't know anyone from the guild except Milch and Vieira sensei. And James, of course."
"James?"
"James… the British conductor. What did Milch call him? Hmmm… Bearous… Bearford."
"Beresford?"
"Yup… that's him. Very interesting man. Talks like Shakespeare when he's in a melancholic mood."
That womanizing scoundrel. Has he been making moves on her? "How did you meet him?" Chiaki asked with calculated indifference.
"Oh… at breakfast yesterday. Very friendly. He came to my recital too."
Chiaki dug his hands deep into his pocket and clenched them into fists. "He did?" It didn't take him too long.
"Uh huh… But don't worry… I came back with Milch even though he offered to take me back to the hotel."
"He did?"
"Milch doesn't like him much. Called him a predator."
Can't say I disagree with the old man but still… pot calling kettle black really.
"But there is something very sad about him. In some ways, he reminds me of gifu…" She remarked wistfully. "It must be a very lonely life to be a predator when everybody thinks the worst of you and nobody trusts you."
"I suppose."
"I feel sorry for him." She acknowledged. "But at least he has one useful skill besides conducting…"
"Oh, what's that?"
"He, at least, understands women."
During the entire meal, Chiaki looked on as Nodame giggled, laughed and made all the right noises. She held her cutlery gracefully and nibbled at her food with finesse, her table manners flawless. It was a controlled and masterly performance that pulled the wool over the eyes of anyone who did not know better. Chiaki knew better and loathed every moment of it. This wasn't the woman he fell in love with and married. Why she was bent on play acting, she did not know. Weiss, on the other hand, was appropriately wooed by her mannerisms.
"You didn't tell me that your wife was such a charming creature, Chiaki." He said, when Nodame had disappeared into the restroom for a short interval.
"Er… thank you. It's kind of you to say so."
"No wonder you couldn't bear to leave her behind."
"Well…"
"Don't be shy, man… There's nothing wrong with a man who is firmly attached to his wife. I envy you as a matter of fact."
"Huh?"
"There's no hope for me… I'm a confirmed bachelor. It's not all bad, you know. No one to have to answer to." Weiss grinned widely.
"Yes, I can imagine." Chiaki commented politely. "Still, Nodame and I have been together a long time… it's hard to imagine not having her around."
"Oh, I'm sure… You know, you surprise me, Chiaki."
"In what way?"
"You seemed to me to be the ambitious type… nothing wrong with that of course. And here you are confessing to me how devoted you are to your wife."
"Can a man not have ambitions and be a devoted husband?"
"I suppose there is no rule against it. But in my experience, few men are able to achieve that balance."
"I hope I can prove you wrong."
"By all means… Here she comes… Such an intriguing creature. I can see why you went for her, Chiaki. She's something of an enigma, it would appear."
Chiaki was astonished. Weiss was a lot more perceptive than Chiaki had given him credit for being. Interesting that he sees it too.
"Ah, my dear… I've been having a nice chat with your husband while you were busy."
"Were you talking about me?"
"In a manner of speaking…"
"I hope you said only good things."
Weiss burst into a hearty laugh. "Of course, my dear… of course."
Later in the evening, Ivan Chekhov, the retired Russian composer, joined them for a short time.
"I've asked Ivan to join us, if that's alright with you two."
Both Chiaki and Nodame assured him that they were fine with the arrangement.
Chekhov looked rather worn out. "I'm sorry can't stay long. I'm getting updates on my wife's condition."
"Is she alright?" Nodame asked anxiously.
"She had a fall this morning."
"Oh no… was she badly hurt?"
"Not too badly. Thank goodness."
"Is she in hospital?"
"Not exactly. She's being cared for at a nursing home."
"I see."
"I shouldn't have left her."
"You need a break too. You spend all your time caring for her in that place."
"Not as much as I used to."
"That's nothing for you to feel guilty about. You did all you could for as long as you could."
"That's what I tell myself but…"
"You retired… gave up everything to care for her. No one could ask for more than that. Now, eat something. You're no good to anyone half starved."
Chekhov drank a little soup and nibbled on some bread. After indulging in a little small talk, his phone rang and he excused himself. It had been obvious, however, that his mind was elsewhere.
"I need to get this. I apologize for not being great company tonight."
"It's okay Mr Chekhov, we understand." Nodame patted him reassuringly on the arm. "Hope everything's alright."
Chekhov nodded gratefully and hurried out of the restaurant.
When he had taken off, Weiss turned to them and said. "I've known him a long time. He's the most devoted husband I've ever met. Not quite sixty and he had to give up a really good position the Bohemia Philharmonia to care for his wife."
"What happened to her?"
"She was struck by Alzheimer's a few years ago and has really deteriorated in the last 12 months. He had to put her into full-time nursing care several months ago and that was hard."
"Oh… the poor woman," Nodame gasped.
"Actually, it's poor Chekhov… watching his wife of over thirty years become a shadow of herself. Not something I'd wish on anyone. But he's devoted, the poor man. He hasn't been anywhere for the last few years. We managed to convince him to come to this year's conference although he's probably racked with guilt right about now."
"I had no idea." Chiaki murmured.
"The man's a saint. No complaints. A lesser man would have given up a long time ago."
"It's beautiful." Nodame gushed dreamily. "Very romantic."
Weiss stared at her with an inscrutable expression on his face. "I suppose it is."
After dinner, the restaurant manager came over to their table and showed a great deal of familiarity with Weiss.
"So how did you like the dinner, Herr Weiss?" The restaurant manager was all smiles and anxiously awaiting the verdict.
"As far as I'm concerned, it was marvellous as usual, Hans."
"Excellent. And you, Mr Chiaki?"
"The steak was very well-done. Thank you. I enjoyed it very much."
"I'm glad to hear it. And the lady?"
"Huh… Oh… the lady loved the black forest cake… It's the best I've ever tasted."
"Seeing that Herr Weiss is a relative and regular customer I can tell you this. It is an old family recipe."
"It's food from heaven." Nodame lowered her voice to a whisper, speaking into his ear. "I may come back for another large slice another time."
"Miss…?"
"Nodame."
The restaurant manager was beaming with pleasure. "Miss Nodame is welcomed to dine with us any time."
For the first time that night, Nodame's face lit up into a genuinely contented smile. "I knew there was a reason why I liked this hotel… what a great restaurant."
Weiss signed for the bill and jovially said to Nodame. "I think you've made a new friend tonight."
"Really?" She wondered thoughtfully before adding, "Hmmm… does that mean the next slice will be free?"
That particular question elicited a roar of unrestrained laughter from the Austrian conductor.
Both Nodame and Chiaki were very quiet as they left the restaurant. They had both thanked the president of the guild for his generosity and he had expressed his delight at having spent a pleasant evening in their company.
"I look forward to hearing you play, Nodame." He had said cordially before going off in the opposite direction.
The young couple said very little to each other as they made their way to their room. The wife was deep in thought and looked as if she would respond well to interruption and the husband felt as if an invisible barrier had come between them and was nervous that anything he said would trigger another verbal furore. Musing over Chekhov's situation caused him to bring into focus his own responsibilities as a husband. It made him wonder if he could do what Chekhov was doing… to abandon his career for the full-time care of his wife. Inwardly, he was frustrated and saddened by how things were between them. She had acquiesced readily enough to his demands… surprisingly easily… and yet it came at a high price. Obviously she was unhappy and Chiaki didn't know if he liked this "dutiful" wife all that much.
"Nodame… Did you have a nice time?" He ventured to ask as they walked into the room.
"I did, husband… didn't you?"
"Yes, I did."
After this, they said little to one another. Nodame changed out of her dress into an old flannel pyjamas and took out her scores. She settled herself on the couch, apparently giving her complete attention to them.
"What… er… are you doing?" Chiaki asked dumbfounded.
"I'm preparing for my recital tomorrow." She said without looking up.
"Do you need help?"
"No, no… I'm fine." Nodame seemed intent on her music.
Silence reigned for minutes while Chiaki looked on feeling as useful as a spare tyre.
"I think I might go for a walk."
"Sure, husband… go ahead. Don't worry about me." She waved him on all too eagerly.
Chiaki's face fell. "Er… are you sure you wouldn't like to come with me?"
"Sorry, no. I really should review these scores before tomorrow. You go ahead, I'll be fine."
But I'm not fine. Chiaki sighed and sluggishly made his way to the door. He turned around for one last look, hoping that she'd change her mind. Seemingly engrossed in what she was doing, she gave no indication that she was changing anything.
Chiaki experienced a whole host of emotions. It never occurred to him that he would be feeling lonely on his honeymoon and yet there he was… alone. The hotel bar seemed like a good source of refuge for the disappointed of heart and yet the thought of any of his fellow conductors catching him drinking alone on his honeymoon was too humiliating to contemplate.
All because I didn't want her to see Dad… She's still mad at me, pretending that she isn't and putting on this dutiful wife act. How long is she going to punish me?
Instead, he took a stroll to a nearby liquor store and satisfied himself with two bottles of white merlot to drown whatever frustrations that were building up inside.
On returning to the hotel room, he saw that she had turned in for the night.
Bedtime at 9:30? She's on the warpath tonight. Maybe I should've stocked up on the merlot..
Not bothering to undress, he stretched himself onto the bed next to her. She shifted briefly and then mumbled something inaudible.
"Nodame… are awake?" He whispered hopefully. The petite figure next to him moved as if on cue but gave no response.
"You're still angry with me, aren't you?"
Again Chiaki had to contend with the silence.
"Nodame… we can't go on like this. We need to talk."
After another short burst of silence, he heard a quivering murmur "I'm trying to sleep. I don't want to talk now."
"You can't continue ignoring me like this."
"Nodame is not ignoring you. Nodame's done everything you wanted."
"Everything except what I really want." Chiaki reached over to fondle her hair. "I want my wife back."
"I'm still here."
"In body maybe but not in spirit. It's like I've married another woman… dutiful, perhaps but joyless."
"I thought you wanted me to do what you asked."
"Well, yes… but not like that… You're my wife not my slave."
"That was my line."
"Yeah, well, I thought I'd borrow it seeing that we're now on speaking terms."
"We're not on speaking terms. It's... just... bad manners not to respond."
"Is that what it is? Well, seeing that you're responding now…"
"Am I?"
"Let's for argument's sake pretend that you are. Why do you think that I want you to be a 'dutiful' wife? I never said anything of the sort."
"You want a wife that will do everything you say."
"I didn't say that either."
"Not in those words… but you don't want me to ask questions about your childhood or your father."
"Well…"
"But I want to know about those things. I care about Shinichi's childhood and secret thoughts but he doesn't respect me enough to tell me about them."
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to. I know it. You don't trust me with your heart even now. If you can't trust me then our marriage is just a hollow symbol of love."
"I never meant to insult you."
"But you did. You don't want me to be a real wife… I'm just someone you can take with to nice functions."
"After all this time, you really don't believe that."
"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But I feel that. You do everything better than what I can… you cook better, you're a better housekeeper so what can I do for you? Nothing except to share your problems with. But you don't want that so Nodame can't do anything for you except be a dutiful wife, to do everything husband tells her to."
"But you don't have to do anything."
"I want to. You don't understand love, husband… that's your trouble. When people love, they want to give… I want to give… One way to do that is to help you to be free from the monster from the past."
"The monster from the past?" Chiaki wondered if his hentai wife had lapsed into one of her hentai fits.
"Yes… the thing that has kept you from talking to your father."
"This has nothing to do with my father."
"This has everything to do with your father. If you don't want me to know anything about the past – your father, your childhood, then it will always be something between us. The unspeakable thing that will grow into a bigger monster and destroy what little love we have."
Chiaki had to admit to himself that his hentai wife was making an unbelievable amount of sense. That she would was thinking that far ahead in the future astounded him.
"Don't you have faith in me, Nodame?"'
"The problem is that you don't have faith in me." She declared. "Anyway, I don't want to say any more about this, I think have said enough. I am tired and I have a recital to give tomorrow afternoon."
Nodame turned to face the opposite end of the room and pulled the covers over her shoulders. Her husband was still attempting to process the entire conversation amidst the restlessness of his thoughts. Is it true, that I don't have faith in her? But I chose to marry her… I wanted us to be together… What else does she want from me?
Her words echoed repeatedly
If you don't want me to know anything about the past – your father, your childhood, then it will always be something between us. The unspeakable thing that will grow into a bigger monster and destroy what little love we have.
"I didn't mean to exclude you from any part of my life."
"Hmmm…"
"I never realised you felt that strongly about this."
"You never asked."
Chiaki moved up closer against his wife and breathed in the scent of her hair. "You know Nodame, I am going to try to get to your recital tomorrow. I may be a little late though."
"I've told you already… you don't have to."
"I know… but I want to."
"It doesn't mean… that… we're on… talking terms." The words were barely coming through as Nodame struggled to stay awake.
"Of course not… I'm not that silly." Chiaki assured her as he wrapped his arms around her person and buried his face inside her hair.
Author's Notes:
Quote 1: Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 1, Scene 1
Quote 2: Much Ado About Nothing, Act 2, Scene 1