Author's Note: Once again, as always, thank you for the reviews on the last chapter/episode. I am running out of things to say in these little notes – there are only so many ways to word "thank you for being kind and lovely about my story" and I feel I'm running out of ways to put it. But I will say it makes writing so worthwhile to know there are people out there enjoying it. I'm not sure what I think of this chapter to be honest, it's the first one that hasn't flowed out of my head onto the page nice and smoothly and written itself, so I would be especially interested to hear your thoughts on this one.
Disclaimer: As before
Addison waited in the corridor while Alex snuck past Michael's secretary and into his office. While he was gone, she tried to calm herself. This could be it. This afternoon could be the moment where she finally broke down all the barriers and saw the real Alex Karev. And who knew what might come out of it? On the other hand, she reminded herself before she got carried away, she shouldn't get her hopes up. This was Alex after all, whose personal barriers made the Berlin Wall look like a flimsy garden fence.
After a couple of minutes, he emerged with an expression on his face like a triumphant schoolboy, and clutching a tin in his hand. 'How does a cup of Kenyan Roast sound?'
'You really did just steal Michael's coffee, didn't you?' she laughed.
'Well, he's quite right, that crap they serve in the cafeteria just isn't coffee. Besides, he won't mind.'
On impulse (almost on impulse, he checked to see if the corridor was empty first) he reached out and grabbed her hand, and after a fraction of a second, felt her fingers curl around his own. He glanced sideways at her briefly but she didn't meet his gaze; he was pretty sure the corners of her lips were turning upwards in a smile though.
They hurried down the long, sterile corridor to the lift – their office was three floors above Michael's – and jumped in. The second the doors pinged shut Addison could feel Alex's eyes on her. The heat in them was extraordinary, and suddenly she thought the proximity of a lift might be too much temptation.
Alex was trying to maintain a little distance; the passion that had flared between them last night was recent enough to still feel the ghost of her hands on his body and he knew that, this time, she deserved a conversation at least before he jumped her. And the way she was looking today, her white coat over a smart pinstripe tailored dress and those sexy shoes that made her legs go on forever, he was almost certainly going to have to jump her.
He edged towards her in spite of himself, those eyes were drawing him in again. She was leaning back against the wall and very, very slowly, he moved forward until their bodies were so close he could feel her warmth.
'Addison,' he said huskily. Still clutching the tin of coffee and careful not to actually touch her, Alex began to lean in.
For a moment, Addison couldn't help but respond and found herself coming to meet him, but she stopped a fraction of a second before their lips met. 'No. Not again. This isn't Seattle Grace, it's not compulsory to get it on in a lift.'
'It is when you look like that,' he replied seductively.
This time she was more decisive in her rejection and gave him a little push, retreating to the far corner of the lift. She realised she was out of breath, just from being close to him. 'No Alex. I mean it. We need to talk, not… Well. I'm not going to let this be some undefined…' She stumbled over her words, flustered. She knew she thought she wanted to put a stop to things, but actually having the willpower to do it was a whole different matter. She was seriously relieved when the doors opened and they were out of the confined space.
When they were in their office, Addison sat down in the leather armchair that was in the corner while Alex saw to the coffee. When it was made, he poured her a cup and held it out to her.
'Thanks.'
'No problem.' There was only the one armchair so he took a seat on the chair behind his desk, and decided that for the moment, having the barrier of the desk between them wasn't a bad idea.
'So…' he began, knowing that Addison would have plenty to say and he'd rather she started. He didn't really know what to say himself.
'What is this Alex? What is this thing?' She waved her hand around a bit which he presumed meant to indicate some form of relationship between them. 'I can't handle this running away and pulling back the whole time. I know you said that you don't do relationships but you're giving me so many mixed signals. Last night you were all over me, then you were gone.'
'I…' He didn't know precisely how to respond to that. His actions of the night before were undeniably indefensible.
'I don't understand. Just please, explain it to me.'
'Addison, believe me, I would if I could. I don't understand it myself, not really. I know that I am not good at relationships, I cheat and I lie. I know you deserve better. I know I'm not good for you. But…' He sighed. 'When I'm with you I don't care about any of that. It's selfish of me, but… I'm in love with you. I want to be with you. And then I remember what I'm like and…' He shook his head.
Addison sipped her coffee to give her time to think. It was good – definitely a hell of a lot better than the cafeteria fare – but it would have been twice as good if it was a glass of vodka. She felt like she needed one.
His explanation today seemed more open than when they had dinner together. More… honest almost. He was admitting that he knew he was going to make a mess of things between them, but that he wanted her anyway. That he liked her too much to care about what might go wrong. It gave her a lot more to work with than he'd offered her before.
And he said he was in love with her.
'Alex. I… You're not going to make this easy for us, are you?'
'Should it be easy?'
'Well, I don't know about you, but I think I've suffered enough. I think I've paid for what I did in my marriage and it's about time I had a bit of happiness again. I can't speak for you, because you've never told me, but for what it's worth, I think you deserve to be happy.'
Alex looked over at her. She was so beautiful; she didn't seem to have aged a day from the first time he saw her and he really, really wanted to believe her that this could work. Perhaps it could.
He sighed heavily.
'What sort of an answer is that?' she asked.
'Don't push me,' he said, a little more testily than he had intended for the words to come out.
'Don't get mad at me,' she snapped back, hurt that this all seemed to be going wrong. Five minutes ago they were running hand in hand down a corridor with a stolen tin of coffee like schoolkids, now they were practically at each other's throats.
A silence fell between them, awkward and brittle, softened only by the rich aroma of Kenyan Roast that hung in the air. Internally, Alex was kicking himself. She was right, he wasn't making this easy. That self destruct button was just too bright and shiny and tempting. Every time he gave her a glimmer of hope, he couldn't help but dash it again. He was adept at ruining his own happiness, but it seemed to be the height of cruelty to keep doing it to her as well. And he was becoming an expert.
'I'm sorry,' he said, breaking the silence. She looked up at him, her eyes wide and blue. 'I'm sorry for being an ass,' he clarified.
He was about to apologise further when a thought suddenly occurred to him. She hadn't told him that she loved him, and he was struck with an overwhelming need to hear her say it. For a second, he imagined the words coming from her lips and his heart soared. That told him all he needed to know. It was time to bury his demons, or at least try to.
'Hang on a minute. I've told you twice now how I feel about you. What about you?'
'What about me?' she asked, momentarily confused.
'How do you feel about me?' He stood up and came towards her from his solitary position behind the desk. He had that old, charming smirk on his face and Addison could sense the change in his mood.
'I would have thought that was obvious.'
Just as he had with the wine glass last night, he took her coffee cup out of her hand and knelt down in front of her. In its place, he wound his fingers and held her hands tightly.
He was leaning into her, and she knew that this time, neither of them would be pulling away.
'Tell me,' he almost whispered.
'I love you.'
The kiss was deeper, more delicious, than the ones of the previous evening, and Addison felt her entire world spin. Their lips slid against each other, hot and wet and just a tiny bit too urgent to be graceful. It seemed to last at least as long as the last seven years had, and when they finally broke apart, they were gasping for breath.
Anything they might have said though, was stolen by the simultaneous beeping of their pagers.
'Damn, hold that thought,' Alex muttered, and slowly stood up, offering a hand to Addison.
She laughed, and climbed to her feet. 'Well, this is a variation on the not making things easy I guess,' she offered.
'Serves me right for taking so long to get my act together.'
'Yep, it does.' She smiled at him as he held the door open for her. 'Look, do you want to come over to my place this evening? If you promise not to run out on me again.'
'No.'
'No?' she cut across him, before he had a chance to finish.
'No. Come with me to the hotel, there's someone I want you to meet.'