I stopped breathing when the pain and my heart ended, overcome with the joy that the flames of the body was, in fact, over. The process had finally finished ended its grueling pain. I could not believe how complete the pain was over my senses. With a start, I realized who I was now, remembering everything again. I was sure if I had the Cullens with me, if Edward was with me, I would have tried harder to focus on them, to keep my mind off the pain. Yet, they weren't and I had lost all will to try, and simply gave into the pain. Holding back a sob, and shakily, from nervousness than anything else, I opened my eyes. I stared at the trees above me, the rain still pouring from the endless grey skies. One thing I was acutely aware—I was alone, and that made me terrified. I could not hear anything beyond the dripping of the rain, and swishing of the plants around me.
Where are they? Didn't they promise me they'd watch over me? I thought with a frown. Had another promise been broken? I hope not... Then, why did they leave me alone?
I took a breath, and I smelled all sorts of things that I associated with the woods, through my nose, filling my lungs. Even scents I never knew existed. Then, there was something else, an awful stench. I could not imagine what could smell so disgusting. Maybe it was the decay of the forest and my human sense could not comprehend its terrible scent.
I sat up into a sitting position, trying to take in the senses my body was receiving. Everything looked clearer, sharper, I could catch every raindrop that fell around me. It was as though my human eyes had been wearing defective glasses and I had simply removed them. I looked at my hands, they looked even paler, a hue I was familiar with. I closed my eyes, my heart aching for the Cullens and Edward.
I never felt so utterly alone. Even the pain, my constant companion for the last three days (maybe) had left me. I hated the silence outside the sounds of the rain. I heard no animal sounds. Nothing. I took another breath, deeper this time and my eyes snapped open. My throat burned. A reminiscent of the pain I had gone through just now.
A smell so sweet, so tantalizing, I had to grab that scent for myself. My throat ached with anticipation as I stood up quickly and began running towards that smell. It was mine. Nothing else mattered at the moment. I would deal with anything else later, like the consequences. I had to devour that wonderful scent, and it was coming towards me too, my grin widened. This was going to be all too easy, my very first hunt. I jumped to my feet and began running. The smell of the blood grew as I neared, I then sped up, wondering what the life fluid tasted like. Delicious, I was sure, if the smell was anything to go by. I barely registered how far away I had to run, the ground flying by under my feet.
I leaped off the cliff and landed onto the top of the car, causing the driver to crash into a tree on the side of the road. I tore the top off, jumped down into the passenger seat and grabbed the human out of the seat, tearing away the seat belt easily, and held him by the collar of his shirt and bit into the neck. Ripping the skin away and my mouth began sucking away the blood. It tasted better than I could ever imagined. The human barely registered what was going on before I began draining the blood, like I was merely a leech found in a lake, it's sweet life force out of it's body.
The taste was so exhilarating, I tried to savor each taste of the blood as I hurried to get as much in as I could. The human tried to break away, but it had no strength on me. The smell and taste of the blood was so good, so enticing, I enjoyed every drop of it as it went down my throat. It felt like nothing else, nothing in my human memory could compare. Better than the chocolates or sweets that simply melted in your mouth. I felt every drop quenching my thirst. Nothing else mattered now.
The human soon stopped flailing as I kept draining it's body of it's important blood. When I completely drained it, I smacked my lips, licking for any residue left, satisfied with my meal. Then, I looked at the human for a long time, noncomprehending as I slowly returned to my senses. I had no idea how much time had been spent standing there, it could have been a split second, or an hour. When I was finally myself, I nearly fell back as I dropped the human, horrified. My coherent thoughts had come back to me at last, but I was staring at the body in terror.
My arms trembling slightly, staring down in front of me, at the rolled back eyes, mouth gaping open. I didn't want to accept the awful truth of what happened. My mind could not comprehend of what took place. I swallowed thickly, ignoring how my body enjoyed the blood. I looked at the face, empty. But I knew who it was. It was Charlie.
I fell over the car and into the mud behind me, scuttling away from the car I now recognized as Charlie's cruiser. My dad's car. A sob rose in my throat, staring at the car wreck I caused. The sobs tore throughout my body, shaking hard.
I had killed my own father, my worst nightmare had come true. I was now completely and utterly alone. The werewolves left me, the Cullens, and now my own father. I turned over, facing the ground on my knees, sobbing, realizing I could no longer shed tears, causing my sobs to grow louder.
I smelled a human coming and with a jolt, I realized I had to get away, no matter how tempting the blood was. I held my breath and ran away, as far away as I could. I am a monster now, that much was clear.
Worse that Edward was. I took an innocent life. I took a life of someone I knew. As I ran, I barely paid attention to how fast I was going, and how I was doing it--without running into trees., just like before, on my hunt All I thought was the feelings raging through me. Guilt was the top most feeling I felt. Betrayal was next, at the werewolves, who promised me I wouldn't hurt anyone. Where are they? Would they kill me now? I thought, and I hoped for a swift death. Yet, I was running away from Forks, from La Push, from everything I knew. I was too terrified to go back and endanger another life.
I dared not breathe, for fear of taking another person's life. Could I hold my breath for the rest of my existence? Somehow, I knew I won't have to, in time. After all, the control would come with time. Didn't the Cullens have that control? I had to start hunting animals now, the throat was still burning with thirst, despite my first feed not too long ago. How much time had passed since I took... took his life? I couldn't be sure. Time lost all meaning now.
My eyes scanned the forest as I leaped from tree to tree, and I spotted a herd of deer in a clearing up ahead. I slowed down, and then jumped onto the buck and latched on, my teeth sinking into the neck as I took a whiff of the scent, to memorize for later hunts. I drank the blood, trying not to think about the first blood I drank. Compared to my father's blood, this deer tasted awful like nothing else. Like I had eaten the most delicious cake and then ate rotten broccoli covered in expired cheese.
Shuddering, I stood up, wiping my mouth away with the sleeve of my blue shirt. Would the thirst ever go away?
Staring at the deer at my feet, I stood for a long time, reflecting back on my human life, the last days, the transformation and the first drink. I then curled up, wrapping around my knees, wondering if the werewolves would come and kill me once they found out what happened to Charlie. Would they be able to find me? I still hoped so. I wanted this miserable existence to end. I stayed here, waiting for them to come. Over time, as I waited, I ignored the rotting stench in front of me. I couldn't move as I continued to mull over in my thoughts.
Why didn't they spare me, and kill me when I first begged for it? I felt even more betrayed by the thought. I continued to stay, not moving for a long time, barely registering the days passing me by. I was too torn with what I had done, what the people I thought were my friends had done. I was sure they all had a reason for leaving me. There had to be. I felt the thirst in my throat straining to be quenched now. With a sigh, I wondered what I would have to do now, I remembered that Carlisle had tried to take his own life many times and failed. Should I search for the Cullens? I suppose I could, since the only other location I knew they would relocate to was Denali, Alaska. Problem was, I needed a map, or reading road signs and that required going back to civilization. I could not afford to lose my control now, even merely walking along the roads was too dangerous. I needed to control my thirst.
Well, I'll work on that first then, I thought, It's a plan. Then once I have that perfected, I'll search.
I stopped my thoughts, But... why should I? Edward left me in Forks.
Growling, I stood up, this was doing nothing but causing me stress. I left the clearing when a new day rose, walking normally and holding my breath. I was in no rush after all, I do have all eternity now, I could wait. The werewolves were not coming, if they did, they would have many days ago. Weeks maybe, I didn't know.
When I left the clearing, I explored the uncharted forest before me, feeding as I went. I avoided all human contact, for fear of losing control again. I did not know how long it had been until I decided to try to test my control, many upon many years later.
The loneliness did get to me sometimes, but I comforted myself each time, that I just needed to wait it out. I could hardly trust myself, seeing how easily I had lost control in my first hunt. Every time I thought of my dad, all I could think about was his dead, lifeless body. Guilt and regret always tore through me, wishing I could have had Jake at my side, wishing I had more control over myself.
To say that I was happy and content in these forests, is a lie. I was far from it. I even allowed a few mountain lions and bears to have a go at me, hoping they could tear me up. No such luck, their claws kept breaking, and their teeth chipped. It actually tickled. When I realized my death was not going to end, I ended theirs with such apathetic motions that I thought I had no idea how I could go on living this existence of mine. At those moments, I always reminded that I just need to contain myself until I could be civilized enough to start looking for my second family. That usually ended my low spirits.
"Oh Edward," I murmured to myself, sitting as I did on a rock facing a small waterfall, reflecting my thoughts. This area often reminded me of the meadow back in Forks. Only because the beauty was comparable, and it brought peace to my mind. Every time I came here, I only thought of him. Sometimes, I wished for the delusions I had to come back to me, but he never showed up. I felt even more alone as nothing could ever trigger the human adrenaline I had in me, ever again. My heart ached for him, even for the delusions I had, I felt lost.