Jacob's Point of View

Bella was crying again.

I left her alone in the bedroom, my arms shaking as I carefully placed her ready made tea outside her door. She would come out when she was ready. She would see the tea and know that I loved her.

I tore back down the stairs, rushed through the kitchen. I pulled open the front door, then pulled off my top and shoes before sprinting out into the dark, changing before I even reached the forest.

I couldn't bear feeling like this. All these ultra sharp human feelings rushing around me- hate, love, sadness, guilt…I hated feeling like this. I hated her for making me feel like this. As soon as the words crossed my mind, I hated myself for even thinking them. Of course I didn't hate her. She was my wife. I loved her. I loved her with the same burning fury that I had felt when I was fifteen. I had thought- hoped- that it would go away with time, especially when she had taken up with that Cullen boy, but it never had. Bella Swan had still been the girl in my every thought, my every action.

She still was.

So why couldn't I get her to feel the same way about me?

Because I knew that she didn't. And that was the thing that was really tearing me apart. The fact that I loved her with every cell in my body- and she still couldn't return it. Because she was still in love with the same teenage boy that had left her seven years ago.

I had met him a few times. I remember looking at the way she looking at him- like he was a God, and she a great believer, like a mother would look at her child that had been lost for ten years, like a starving man would look at a glass of ice cold water.

I remember being awed by the amount of pure love in her eyes. Back then- I was awed. Now, I was envious. It would be better if I had ever seen that look. Then, I could have convinced myself that Bella simply didn't do big shows of love- but I had seen her.

And that killed me.

I burst into the forest, my feet pounding against the soft forest floor. I could feel the wind against my fur, running through and around it like a huge torrent that was working with me instead of against me.

I wished Bella would be like that.

I wished my wife would start loving me.

I wished Edward Cullen never existed.

At least in my wolf form, my human feelings were lessened sometimes. It was easier to think about without ending up with such a pain in my chest that all I wanted to do was roll around on the floor screaming.

Sometimes, I thought that was the feel of my heart breaking.

Lay off the deep stuff, will you, Jake?

I jumped as the voice that was clearly Leah's, the only girl wolf in our pack, broke through my mind. Her tone was irritated. I frowned. I had though I was alone, and had been enjoying the silence.

Oh, sorry- am I mucking up your 'silence' for you? Leah sneered.

Go to hell.

Charming!

There was a short pause while we both ran a little faster, half racing, but not really bothering to take it seriously.

Sick of my own thoughts, I tuned into Leah's. She was thinking about how she had seen Sam and Emily kissing earlier at Silver's party. In her mind, the image was filled with a feeling of longing and sadness and loss.

Sorry you had to see that, Leah. I thought, even managing to sound awkward in my thoughts.

There was a short pause, and a series of responses flashed through Leah's head- some less polite than others.

Finally, she settled on; Thanks. Sorry about your wife and that Edward guy.

I sighed. Want to meet somewhere?

I've got nothing better to do, I suppose.

Thanks, Leah. Always busy making me feel wanted, aren't you? I thought dryly, and Leah laughed.

That's me! Where shall we meet?

Dunno.

Well where are you? She was impatient now.

I glanced around me, realising I didn't know.

Somewhere a bit near my house, I think. I've reached a clearing. You know it?

I think so. Thanks for the great directions, by the way.

I heard the sarcasm in her mind, and laughed out loud. I was surprised. I hadn't spoken to Leah like this in years and it was odd. She was…nice.

Gee, thanks. Leah complained. I had forgotten she could see my thoughts, and quickly changed back into human form, pulling on a top and some shorts I had grabbed on the way out.

I sat down on a rock, breathing quickly as all my pain came rushing back in a burst. What was I going to do?

A moment later, Leah came strolling into the clearing in her human form as well, wearing shorts and a slightly ripped t-shirt. She must have changed on the way over.

I suddenly realised how long it had been since I'd properly spoken to her, or looked at her. She'd grown, maybe a little bit, and her hair was longer. It suited her, just resting on her shoulders with a fringe flicking into her big brown eyes.

"Quit staring at me, Jake." Leah grumbled, coming and sitting beside me on the rock and breaking me out of my thoughts. "You're freaking me out."

"Sorry."

"You're tall." She added, in the same disgruntled tone.

"Sorry." I said again. I didn't know what else to say.

"So…" Leah said finally, turning to look at me, swinging her legs up onto the rock. "What's going on with Bella?"

I sighed and looked away. "Nothing." I replied truthfully. That was it. Nothing. There was no love, no hate. No arguments, no conversations. Just…nothing.

"Why don't you just leave her, Jake?" Leah asked bluntly.

"No!" I almost growled. "I love her!" I did- didn't I? I had spent so long wanting her, and now I finally had her…of course I loved her.

"You sure about that, Jake?" Leah quizzed, sounding a little bored. "'Cous it kind of seems as if you're still in love with the seventeen year old girl that you met eight years ago."

"I love Bella."

"Yeah, yeah- but this broken girl that you're married to isn't Bella." Leah shook her head, ignoring my furious glare. "Sure, she looks a hell of a lot like her- but Bella was funny. Bella was fresh. Bella was shy, and curious and clever. This girl, your wife, is…empty. I don't know what that Edward did to her- but it changed her. You still love the girl you first met all those years ago." Leah cocked her head on one side, her expression suddenly thoughtful. "Hey, do you think you ever actually loved her? I mean, it wasn't just that she was new in town, and older than you and exciting. Maybe it was just that she was from Phoenix, and that everybody wanted her. And, after so long convincing yourself that you did want her, when you finally got her- it was too late to see that you didn't actually love her at all. You just loved the thought of her."

"Of course I loved her!" I exploded, realising a second too late that I was using the past tense. Leah looked sadly at her, suddenly serious.

"Let go of the past, Jake." She whispered, her voice so quiet I could barely hear it over the thudding of my own heart, or the roaring in my ears.

"It's gone. She's gone. You're just clinging onto the broken remnants."

I sprang to my feet. "Shut up." I said, my breathing quick.

"I'm just trying to help." Leah said, looking hurt.

"WELL THEN I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!" I roared, suddenly furious. I felt shudders begin to rip through me, and knew that I couldn't be near Leah as a human when I changed. Not when I was this angry.

Ripping off my top, I threw it to the ground, then sprinted back into the forest to change.

I had three blissful seconds of silence, before Leah joined me again. I had started to run as soon as I had changed, and was already several miles away.

Jake? Jake!

Go away.

Oh, stop being such a drama queen, will you?

I growled and propelled myself further, my anger building by the second. Quit telling me I don't love my wife, and maybe I will!

Stop running! I need to talk to you!

I didn't reply.

Jake…listen. Please. I'm sorry, okay?

I skidded to a stop in my surprise. Had Leah Clearwater just apologised??

Get over it Jake! She thought impatiently. And I am sorry. You love Bella. I get that. I just…don't want to see you hurt.

My footsteps slowed as my anger faded. Um…that's alright Leah. Listen, I think I have to go home now…

Oh. She actually sounded disappointed! I knew Leah would be listening to my thoughts, but she stayed silent. I tried listening into her mind. She was attempting to keep it carefully blank, but as I probed further, she gave in with a sigh.

Flashes of Sam and Emily flashed before my eyes. Them kissing, them hugging, them together…holding baby Lily for the first time.

Leah watched me flash through her memories in silence. When I reached the one with Lily, she sighed.

That was when I first realised that he was never going to leave her.

I sighed, too. He imprinted on her, Leah. There was never a chance he would leave her.

I know, I know. Lean thought hastily. I just…I just hoped, you know? Even when Emily was pregnant, I kind of still wondered. I mean, didn't all men get that kind of panic sometimes? I was always waiting for it to happen with Sam, but he stood strong beside Emily the whole time. She paused, and a rush of mixed up memories flashed through her, then my, mind. Images of her and Sam, and Sam and Emily all jumbled up together so I could barely tell them apart.

Then, when I saw Sam holding Lily, with that proud look on his face that you always wear when you look at Silver, with his arm around Emily- I knew he was never going to leave her.

I didn't know what to say, what to think. You okay? I finally thought, a little brusquely.

Strangely- yes. Leah thought, sounding surprised. I always knew that sometime, someday, I would have to give up on him- and I always thought that it would really, really, really hurt. But it actually came with a sort of sense of…relief. It was like now that I had finally admitted this to myself, I could move onto other things…other people.

That's really good for you, Leah. I though whole heartedly. I was really, really glad that she was happy- and for a moment, that surprised me. I had never really cared much for Leah. She had always been bitter and mean. Her life was a misery- so she was determined to inflict that on the rest of us, filling out minds with images of Sam. I had always felt bad for her, sure- but I had never really cared that much. She had always just been Leah- the annoying one of the pack, the one we all had to put up with.

But…she had changed. I hadn't noticed it until now, but now I had- it was so blaringly obvious. There had been no more daydreams about Sam, no more snide comments. Her thoughts had been nicer, if still as sharp. But that's just the way she was- she told things as it was. It was a nice difference from having to tiptoe about Bella all the time.

Thinking of Bella, I groaned, realising that it was time I went home.

See you another time then? Leah thought, and I remembered with a jolt what I had just been thinking about her, realising that she had been listening.

Yep- I heard it all.

Leah, I-

Don't worry, I'm not mad. I know you all thought that about me. Sorry for making life hell for you.

I smiled, and skidded to a halt in the woods by my house, getting ready to change back to human form.

Don't worry about it.

Thanks for putting up with me just now.

Pleasure.

Oooo! Leah laughed. Somebody's throwing compliments around today! Bella is one lucky girl!

I laughed, feeling too happy to be embarrassed.

Shove off. I thought, then changed back before she could retort. I pulled on shorts and a shirt, then walked out the forest, a wide smile still on my face.

I actually liked hanging out with Leah. She was funny and interesting, and she might actually be the one person in the pack who had even the tiniest insight into the kind of pain that I was going through with Bella.

I pushed open the front door and stepped into the kitchen, grabbing a hunk of bread of the side and biting into it, swallowing the whole thing in two bites.

Who ever said wolves didn't have big appetites?

"Jake?" Bella called, appearing in the doorway. My smile faded away, my happiness suddenly only a distant memory.

Her expression was so sad, her eyelashes still wet with tears. We stood in an awkward silence for a moment, then Bella said quietly, "I put Lyra to bed."

Silver. That was all we talked about now. She was the only thing we had left.

"I'll go and say goodnight to her." I said in the same monotone.

Bella didn't bother replying. I hesitated for a moment, then moved towards the door. As I went past her, my bare arm brushed hers, and she flinched away from my hot skin.

I closed my eyes for a moment as the black cloud of depression that had momentarily lifted while I was with Leah, settled back over me.

And this time- it looked as if it was here to stay.