Watching the Sun Set

by catlover377148

We're leaving. I'm leaving. Leaving behind the place of nightmares, into the darkness of a changed galaxy, with a Force sensitive baby under my care. I'm doing the right thing. Right? Then why does it feel like I'm doing the wrong thing? TThemes- on halt

4. Stick in There

Day 23

Mon Mothma came to visit me today, asked how I was coping. I spoke honestly, told her I wasn't. That I had no experience with this sort of stuff, and I guess she thought it sounded funny because she laughed and took my hands in hers. It's been a long time since anyone did that- at least it feels like a long time. It's only really been what, 20 days? Hard to believe. The last time anyone took my hands was the day before the clones turned on us, and that was my Master telling me it would be alright, that we would all get out, not to worry. I wish I could go back to that. It seems so simple now.

She said to me, "Hoki, you're in a tough situation and I don't envy you for it. But don't give up. Never give up. I know you're struggling with your emotions and just want to break down, but you must stay strong for Keira. She's depending on you." Then she squeezed my hand and told me she'd be here for me if I needed anything, and left.

I looked at Keira after she left; playing with some blocks I bought for her. She looks so innocent, so happy. Did I look innocent and happy as a baby? If I looked as happy as Keira, I was one happy baby. At least I think so. I've never seen many other babies. I helped with the older children as an initiate, but never the babies.

I'm so unprepared for this. I never saw any need to read up on how to raise babies, I was a Jedi. Is one with no order still a Jedi? Or are they something else, lost souls swimming in a deep dark lake, always swimming, but still sinking, slowly but surely? Does the darkness whisper at everyone left, tempting them with its offer of relief from the pain? Is this normal, or is something wrong with me?

I'm so confused; I don't know what to think. I used to have a yardstick to measure myself by, but was that yardstick flawed? Does that mean all the Jedi were wrong in the head or something? Was it us, or our Order that was wrong? Was going to war right or wrong? I mean, I know we had to, but should we have refused? But would that be hiding from responsibility? I don't know what to think, all these thoughts swimming around my head with no one to ask, and no answers.

No answers, and too many questions.