Zeno, playing with some papers on his desk, looked into the camera.
"Welcome, all, to the fifth episode of ZnK's Fantabulistic Ask-and-Dare fic! We have a special guest here today, Master Rahl, give him a warm hand!" he announced and snapped his fingers, making a man in a red and black version of Vergil's clothes from DMC 3 appear in the chair next to his desk. "Good evening!"
Master Rahl looked around slightly, before grinning.
"Good evening, Zeno. It's good to be here."
"So, I understand you have some dares for a character, who seems to have been forgotten." Zeno said, getting a nod from Rahl.
"Why yes, yes I do. Though I am a little shocked and saddened that he was forgotten."
"I am ashamed to admit that I had forgotten him, too... We need something to cheer us up. Minato, chicken!" Zeno exclaimed, and Minato broke into the chicken dance.
Master Rahl chuckled slightly.
"Ah... that never ceases to make me laugh, but as I was saying, I have a dare for Sabaku no Gaara."
"Right!" Zeno said and snapped his fingers again, making Gaara appear in front of the desk, looking puzzled. "I love being able to do that!"
"What am I doing here?" Gaara asked in his monotone voice.
Zeno grinned.
"Master Rahl here has some dares for you."
Master Rahl grinned as well.
"That, I do. Gaara, my dare, should you choose to accept, though you don't have a choice, is to use that sand for its intended purpose. To please as many women as possible."
Gaara stared at him blankly.
"You're kidding me, right?" he asked, making Rahl's grin widen.
"Do I look like I'm kidding, Gaara? I mean... you could be a little more appreciative... I'm getting you laid here..."
"Correction, you're getting my sand laid, so technically, you're getting the Shukaku laid..." Gaara muttered and turned to Zeno. "I told you when you called me that I didn't want any part in this..."
Zeno coughed into his hand, letting out a noise that sounded strangely like, "Spike-Pit!"
Gaara's eyes widened.
"Besides... if you do this, you'll see more pussy in this one instant then you ever will for the rest of your life..." Rahl explained, leaning back in his chair.
Gaara pondered for a while, before sending his sand shooting in all directions. At once, several squeaks and moans were heard.
"Hey, Gaara... You missed Hana and Tsume." Zeno said, pointing into the audience, where Hana and Tsume sat. "I can tell via my omnipotence that you missed Kurenai, Anko and Yugito as well."
"I don't want to anger Naruto... He seems to have gotten stronger..." Gaara muttered, getting an understanding nod from Zeno, while Rahl chuckled and pulled out a camera.
"One copy for me, one for the Internet, and... do you want one, Zeno?"
Zeno scoffed, taking out his video camera.
"I already got it covered. Hey, Rahl?"
"Yeah, Zeno?" Rahl asked, setting up his camera on a stand to look at Zeno.
"Can you say... Ebay?" Zeno asked with a grin, while Gaara looked extremely embarrassed. Rahl grinned.
"Why yes, I can. Can you say porn shops?"
Zeno chuckled, while Gaara looked at him pleadingly.
"Can I go home now?"
Rahl turned to Zeno.
"Think this is enough for a new video series? I'm thinking...'Jinchuuriki Gone Wild'"
"Fufufu, good idea!" Zeno exclaimed, putting away his camera. "We could put this together with the tape from the hidden camera I put in the Makin' kittens cage. Now, any more dares, Rahl?"
Rahl grinned again.
"Actually, yes... I want Sasori to do the robot next to Minato doing the chicken dance."
"Ha!" Zeno snapped his fingers, making Sasori, out of his fake body, appear next to Minato, who was still doing the chicken. "Sasori, do the robot!"
"You're kidding, right?" Sasori asked, staring at Zeno incredulously. Zeno just grinned.
"You know, Gaara asked the same thing. And you should know by now that I don't kid." he said and took out his Desert Eagle, aiming it at Sasori's heart. "Now, the robot!"
Sasori's eyes widened as he broke down, doing the robot.
Rahl chuckled, and Zeno gave Sasori a thumbs up.
"Hey, Sasori, you're good at this!"
Sasori flipped him off.
"Can I please go home?" Gaara asked, sighing.
"Rahl?" Zeno asked, getting a nod from Master Rahl.
"Sure... we're done with him... for now..."
"Alright, Gaara, you can leave." Zeno said, and Gaara, looking grateful, left the studio.
"Wonder why he looks so grateful to leave... I would have killed to be him there..." Rahl said, getting a nod from Zeno.
"Same here. Hey, Rahl, look at this." he said and held up a letter. "From Sasuke Rules All of You.
'Yes, I have a request.
Since you've killed Sasuke and his girl Hinata. Could you please have the
entire Akatsuki organization minus Konan gang-rape ZenoNoKyuubi for the next
72hrs since he obviously hates both Sasuke and Hinata, and to be honest he
deserves it!'"
"Wow... he's an idiot... especially since Sasuke isn't dead... well... not yet... he's probably just in a lot of pain, but anyway... I digress... it was Sakura and Hinata that were killed..." Rahl said, shaking his head.
"Yes, and he obviously doesn't realize that I am ZenoNoKyuubi..."
Rahl sighed.
"I wonder about the fate of the world at times. Oh well... can I set the letter on fire? I say we have a bonfire of the bad or stupid suggestions..."
"Well... I was planning on eating it... Junk mail tastes a lot like different kinds of junk food, you know. I mean, that youth letter I got last episode tasted like a hamburger." Zeno said, making Rahl sigh again.
"Ah. Well... you can do that. But I still want a bonfire of something... I mean... think of what we could use it for..."
Zeno pointed towards the back.
"We could use old letters I've already read through... though it's not enough to make a bonfire..." he said and tore up the letter, shoving it into his mouth. "Wait, what am I shinking wish?"
Zeno snapped his fingers, causing a bonfire to appear in front of them.
"Shere we go!"
Master Rahl grinned and pulled out marshmallows.
"To bad to have already killed Sakura..."
Zeno took out some junk mail, impaling it on a stick and holding it above the fire.
"Indeed. Her soul is being tortured in the shinigami's stomach now, just like this letter will be in mine!"
Master Rahl chuckled.
"She's in a much more useful place."
"Yup!" Zeno exclaimed and shoved the burning paper into his mouth.
"Shall we move onto the next suggestion?" Rahl asked politely, getting a nod from Zeno, who swallowed.
"Yes! Let's!" he said and dug around in his letter pile, picking one at random. "Here's a letter from EDE!"
"Again?" Rahl asked, getting a nod from Zeno.
"The one I read the last episode, only then, Naruto was too busy to do the dares... Lucky bastard..."
"Ah, I see. Okay."
"'I dare Naruto to give Pein a wedgie
I dare Naruto to sing
I dare Naruto to kick Sasgay (hehehe) in the nads.'" Zeno read and put a hand on his chan. "Hm... I'm gonna let Naruto do the first and the third, but not the second, since I don't want my ears to start bleeding..."
"Agreed." Rahl said quickly.
"Would you do the honors of summoning them?
"Really? Of course I would be honored." Rahl said and focused, summoning a sleepy looking Naruto and an apathetic looking Pein.
"Oh, good job!" Zeno said and gave Rahl a thumbs up.
Rahl grinned.
"Thanks. Wait... why is Naruto so sleepy... he hasn't been bugged in a while..."
"No more..." Naruto muttered, making Zeno raise an eyebrow.
"Naruto, you okay there?"
"Horny dogs... Felines in heat... Snakes... so many snakes..." Naruto mumbled, looking like a zombie.
"Wow... kinky..." Rahl muttered, blinking.
"Um... Anyway, Naruto, you have a few more dares." Zeno said, making Naruto sigh.
"EDE again?"
"He really likes you."
"What's the dare?"
"Give Pein here... a wedgie!"
"Um... Alright..." Naruto said and turned to Pein. "Pein, take off your coat so I can do this properly, and then go to sleep..."
"No. For such an act to be performed on a god would be unthinkable." Pein said in monotone, getting a small grin from Zeno.
"Um, Pein... Maybe you should take a look at where you're standing before you say something like that." he said and pointed down at the 'Guest spot,' on which Pein was standing.
"I am a god." Pein said simply, making Zeno chuckle.
"Pein, Pein, Pein... You don't seem to realize that, in this studio, I am God." he said and snapped his fingers, making Pein's cloak vanish, while his body froze, also rendering him unable to use chakra. "I thought that, after everything that's been going on here, you'd realized that."
"This shouldn't be possible. I am a god..." Pein muttered, making Zeno sigh.
"Blah, blah, blah. We know that by know. Shut up. Naruto, go ahead."
"Okay!" Naruto exclaimed and reached into the back of Pein's pants, giving him a Kyuubi-powered wedgie.
Pein struggled not to scream, but then gave in and released a very high pitched scream.
"No one, no matter how cold, or tolerant to pain, can resist screaming under the power of a wedgie. Or, at least, a Kyuubi-powered one." Zeno said, getting a nod from Rahl.
"Very true, Zeno. I would hate to be him right now."
"Hey, Rahl, could you do me a favor?" Zeno asked, turning to his special guest.
"Sure, Zeno."
Zeno pointed at a big, red button with the letter P on it, attached to his desk.
"Push this button, please." he said, smiling sweetly, while Rahl looked at him cautiously.
"Why?"
Zeno waved him off.
"Relax. Nothing will happen to you. You're my special guest, after all." he said, and Rahl sighed, pushing the button. The 'Guest spot' opened up, sending Pein falling into the Spike-Pit.
"Excellent work, my friend!" Zeno praised, making Rahl grin.
"Much better then I thought that would be."
"Yes, I was thinking of firing him out of the canon, but-" Zeno interrupted himself as Pein's agonized screams were heard, and the trapdoor closed. "-Jango has today off, so it can't be fired."
"Ah. You know... we had a bonfire for a reason..." Rahl said, pointing at the bonfire a few feet away from the 'Guest spot,' only for Zeno to glare at him.
"We do not cook people on the bonfire, Rahl. The bonfire is for cooking delicious junk mail!"
"But... the screams..." Rahl muttered, sighing. "Can I at least throw his coat in there?"
Zeno shrugged, and Rahl threw the coat into the bonfire, staring at it.
"Well... that was less fun then I thought it would be..."
Zeno didn't really listen, salivating slightly.
"I wonder what it tastes like..."
Master Rahl sighed.
"Will you eat anything?"
"Anything but feces, and some other stuff." Zeno said, nodding.
"Ah, okay..."
Zeno picked up a spoon, and started chewing on it. Rahl shook his head.
"Shall we move on then?"
"Hm? Oh, the dares! Right, right... Hm..." Zeno hummed and started checking through letters. "Not this one... No... Oh, here's one!" he said and held up a letter. "This is pretty good... Oh, EDE again... We should save him for later, no?"
"Yeah. Odds are its for Naruto... and he looks dead on his feet..."
Zeno didn't listen, digging through letters again.
"Oh! Here's another letter from XxSaKuSaSuXx99-sama!"
"Really?" Rahl asked, getting a nod from Zeno.
"She writes:
'Sasuke & Anko: Hurt Orochimaru as badly as you can without killing him (his suffering must continue, lol)
Itachi: (Akatsuki can be dared too, right?) Join to the chicken dance with Minato
Ino: Admit that you like Chouji more than Sasuke (and make out with him again...)
Kurenai: It would be too hard for you to stay away from Naruto, huh? *smirks*
Then, go and get him!' Interesting..."
"Aye. It is."
"Which one first?" Zeno asked, and Rahl put his hand on his chin.
"I'm more in the mood for torture then the mindless fucking that would ensue from the other two..."
"Well, there's always the chicken dance with Itachi. Don't forget about that."
Master Rahl nodded.
"True... that would be funny... let's do that."
"Indeed!" Zeno exclaimed and snapped his fingers, making Itachi appear.
Itachi's eyes widened when he saw Rahl and Zeno.
"Oh, dear Amaterasu... My nightmares have become reality." he muttered, getting a slight chuckle from Rahl.
"Poor bastard... I actually don't think he's half bad... too bad... viewer request..."
"Indeed." Zeno said, nodding, before smiling at Itachi. "Don't worry, Itachi. It won't be that bad."
Itachi blinked.
"It won't?"
"Of course not! You just have to go over there and do the chicken with Minato." Zeno said, pointing towards the band.
"That's it?" Itachi asked, to which Zeno nodded.
"That's it."
Itachi walked over to Minato, dancing while walking.
"We got off pretty easy, didn't we?" Sasori, still doing he robot, asked Itachi, who didn't even look at him.
"Shut up and dance."
Master Rahl chuckled.
"We could get Konan and Nagato to sing Barbie Girl..."
Zeno guffawed.
"Hahaha! That'd be something! But we need to do the dare first. Anko, Sasuke!" he exclaimed and snapped his fingers, making a limping Sasuke and a satisfied looking Anko appear. "So, Sasuke, how was your fan boys?"
Sasuke just glared, making Rahl chuckle.
"You have some stuff around your mouth... might wanna get that..."
Sasuke furiously wiped his mouth and wheezes when he spoke.
"You have no idea what I've been through!"
"You were gangraped by guys." Zeno said with a shrug, only getting another glare from Sasuke.
"It could have been worse you know." Rahl said, chuckling.
"How could it have been worse?" Sasuke wheezed, directing his glare at Rahl.
"They could have been fat and been hung like small horses."
Sasuke shuddered.
"Some were..."
"But not all of them. Be grateful for that."
"Well, I've got something to comfort you. Anko, Sasuke," Zeno said and snapped his fingers, causing Orochimaru to appear, tied to a chair. "you may do anything you like with him."
Sasuke smirked weakly, while Anko jumped up and down excitedly.
"Sweet!"
"I wonder what they'll do." he asked, getting a shrug from Zeno, just as Orochimaru's scream was heard as Anko shoved a pineapple up his ass.
"Ouch. That couldn't have felt good." Rahl said, wincing. His head is so far up there I wonder how she fit the pineapple..."
Zeno tilted his head to the side.
"Even if he is agile like a snake, he shouldn't be able to bend that way..."
"You sure? When I said his head has been so far up his ass... I didn't mean metaphorically..."
"I know." Zeno said, pointing at Orochimaru, whose head was shoved up his own ass. "And he shouldn't be bendy enough to have his own head shoved up his ass... It's not physically possible..."
"Have you seen what he can do with that neck?" Rahl asked, looking slightly disgusted. "It stretches to almost triple his body length... and the bending is freaking you out?"
"His neck can bend freakishly, yes, but look at his back! I'm pretty sure it's broken in three-" A loud, snapping sound was heard. "-four places!"
Master Rahl chuckled.
"Oh... that... still... it doesn't really bother me... the man can shed his skin..."
A ripping sound was heard, and Zeno looked disgusted.
"He would... if he had any skin left..."
Master Rahl looked at Zeno.
"Are you getting this on tape?"
Zeno pointed towards the roof, where a video camera was recording everything.
"You think I'd miss getting this on tape?"
"Good. I would have hated to not see this again and again when I'm bored. We need popcorn..." Rahl muttered, resting his chin against his fist.
Zeno snapped his fingers, making a box of popcorn appear in Rahl's lap, while more junk mail appears in front of him.
Master Rahl ate the popcorn slowly, transfixed on the torture scene.
"While this is going on, let's move over to our next dare!" Zeno announced, getting a nod from Rahl.
"Aye."
"Ino!"
Ino came rushing down from the audience.
"Yes?"
"Ino, you have been dared to admit to Chouji that you like him more than Sasuke. And make out with him again."
Ino nodded excitedly.
"Okay!" she exclaimed and rushed into the audience again, sitting down in Chouji's lap. "I love you, Chouji-kun, more than I could ever love Sasuke!"
With that, she kissed a shocked Chouji.
Master Rahl chuckled, somewhat of a habit of his.
"Ah, teen love. They say it never lasts..."
"I bet you this delicious junk mail that it'll last for three more days." Zeno said and held up a letter.
"I'll take that bet."
"What do you bet?"
Rahl put a hand on his chin.
"Hm... I don't know... Anything in particular you want? Besides my anal virginity...unlike Sasuke I've done a good job of keeping it."
Zeno flipped him off, making him chuckle again.
"I want junk mail"
"More?" Zeno asked, getting a nod from Zeno. "Okay..."
Now, it was Zeno's turn to chuckle.
"Don't mess with the god of this studio." he said and snapped his fingers. Ino screamed and slapped Chouji, before rushing away.
"That's cheating." Rahl said, getting a shrug from Zeno.
"That's life." he said and held out his hand. "Give me my price."
Master Rahl reached into his coat and pulled out some junk mail, holding it out. "There."
Zeno snatched the junk mail out of Rahl's hand, ripping it apart and shoving it into his mouth.
"Mmm, thish ish good shtuff!"
"Got anymore dares?" Rahl asked, getting a nod from Zeno, who swallowed.
"I've got a letter from slicerness, the one who gave me my shiny new Deagle. I don't wanna ask Kurenai what XxSaKuSaSuXx99-sama asked, since Naruto seems a little drained. slicerness writes:
'...awesome... i should have said make oro-chan try to kill him. that would of went over so much better.
alright this is kinda odd but ive been playin some final fantasy recently and i would like to see who of the naruto crew can pick up clouds buster sword, or guts sword from berzerk (great show btw) they'll probably get a hernia trying. then again they have chakra to help...
so actually i dare the naru crew to try to wield the buster sword/ whatever gut's sword is called WITHOUT chakra.
do u and XxSaKuSaSuXx99 know eachother in real life or are u just a big fan?
c ya'
Hm, we just started to get to know each other. It's just that she was the one who inspired me to start this."
Master Rahl grinned slyly.
"Aw...does Zeno have a crush?"
Zeno flipped him off.
"Anyway, the swords!" he announced and snapped his fingers, making the Buster Sword and the Dragonslayer sword appear on the floor. "However, we can't have everyone try to lift them, so I'll let Rahl decide who does it!"
"I say... Zabuza, Kisame, Naruto, Gaara, Tsunade, Gamabunta and that strange monkey thing from the filler episode..."
"Gamabunta won't fit in here, and he could easily lift it. Though, I don't see why you'd let Tsunade try..." Zeno muttered, getting a grin from Rahl.
"Because..." he mumbled and leaned in, whispering something in Zeno's ear. Soon, a perverted grin appeared on Zeno's face.
"Fufufu... I like that! But I can't remember the monkey thing..."
"Neither can I... pity... oh well... no monkey then..." Rahl said, shrugging.
"Agreed. Right! Everybody!"
Zeno snapped his fingers, and before mentioned Naruto characters appeared, looking around.
"Oh, Kami! It's our turn!" he exclaimed, getting a distraught look from Naruto.
"Again!"
"Its not that bad..." Rahl said with a chuckle, to which Zeno nodded.
"All you guys have to do is lift those swords without the use of chakra. Tsunade, you're up first!"
Master Rahl discretely grabbed a camera as Tsunade walked over to the swords.
"Alright." she said and bent over to pick up the Buster Sword.
Zeno leaned forward in his chair.
"Here we go..."
Tsunade attempted to lift the sword, only for her breasts to pop out of her shirt when she used too much force.
Zeno's nose started bleeding.
"Jackpot!"
Jiraiya, in the audience, shot up his hands in triumph.
"YES!!"
Master Rahl quickly snapped pictures, while Kisame, Zabuza, Gaara and Naruto got major nosebleeds.
"Excellent job, Tsunade!" Zeno exclaimed as he clapped. "You may leave now!"
Tsunade quickly left the studio, blushing madly.
"Alright, everyone, grab a sword! Kisame and Zabuza, you're up first!"
Kisame and Zabuza nodded at Zeno, easily lifting the swords.
"Well, being swordsmen wielding huge swords, that's not much of a surprise, I guess..." Zeno mumbled, getting a nod from Rahl.
"True. That was expected... now, let's see how the others do..."
"Wow, that's it?" Kisame asked, amazed.
"Yeah, that was easy." Zabuza agreed, getting a chuckle from Zeno.
"Oh, you want something else, huh?" he asked and snapped his fingers, setting both swordsmen on fire.
Kisame and Zabuza screamed in agony as they rushed off stage.
Master Rahl chuckled.
"Well... that sucks... for them, anyway..."
"Now, Naruto and Gaara, you try it." Zeno said, and Naruto nodded.
"Fine..." he muttered and tried to lift the Dragonslayer, but failed miserably. "Alright! One more try!"
A terrible crack is heard from his back as he tried to lift the sword a second time.
"Oh, god!" he screamed, falling to the ground. "Medic!"
"I could never lift it. It'd be pointless." Gaara said, getting a sigh from Zeno.
"You're very boring, Gaara..."
Gaara just scoffed and walked off stage.
"Well, that's all for now, I guess. Thanks for coming, Rahl!" Zeno said, patting Rahl on the back.
"For the love of Kami, help me!" the helpless Naruto exclaimed, writhing in pain on the ground.
Anko walked up to Naruto.
"I'll help you, Kitsune-kun!"
"Oh, god..." Naruto muttered as Anko grabbed him, before disappearing with a swirl of leaves.
"Well... it was wonderful being here..." Rahl said with a chuckle. "and getting to tape so very nice things..."
"I know. Well, for now, this is Zeno and Rahl, signing off! Review, and have a great evening!" Zeno exclaimed, while Rahl waved.
"Good night, everybody!"
As the cameras turned off, and the audience had left, Rahl sighed, while Zeno was shoveling junk mail into his mouth.
"That was... tiresome..." Rahl said, getting a nod from Zeno.
"Now you know what it'sh like for me every night." Zeno said and swallowed. "You did good, though."
"Thanks."
Zeno got out of his chair, stretching.
"Well, I'm gonna go to the bar and grab a beer. Wanna join me?"
Rahl shrugged, getting up.
"I've got nothing better to do."
With a snap of Zeno's fingers, the two disappeared.