10 days later
I feel really strange, like the Force is trying to tell me something and I'm not listening. It's becoming very insistent. I feel it is important… but I'm too cowardly to touch it again and find out. Some Jedi I am.
I'll just have to face my fears. I'll have to listen to what it says… and then act on it. Like I always used to. Like we always used to. I remember my Master telling me once that if we face our fears they vanish. But this one is too deeply rooted in me to just vanish.
Okay, I used it again. It wasn't as bad as I would have feared… almost like a comforting hand. It didn't feel like danger, but I learned my lesson about been complacent. A lesson learned in blood.
Actually, it feels almost friendly. Familiar. And completely alien at the same time. Maybe another survivor? I won't get my hopes up. Hope died with Keira. With the Jedi Order, my family. Hope won't return until the Empire crumbles.
I still have my lightsabre. It's hidden in a secret compartment I stumbled across. The previous occupants kept spice in it, but my Jedi equipment lives in there now. My lightsabre, cloak and tunic, and a holocron my Master gave me during the war.
I talk to it, ask him question. He tells me he was prepared for death. We all were. We just weren't prepared for life.
Keira is using her Force powers recently, stopping balls and that. It hurts to watch. It means I have to use mine soon actively. And that terrifies me.
I wish I could meet another Jedi. That would make everything easier. Keira needs more than one Master. I'm too broken to even touch the Force, let alone train her. And I was only a Padawan, no where near my Trials. I'm not ready for this burden. I need a Master for myself still. I'm not ready to be one.
No where near ready.