A week later
Master Tahm- he wants me to call him Sil, but somehow I can't- keeps trying to talk to me about the Force. He didn't have clones in his regiment. He knows all his friends are dead, felt them die, but didn't watch them die in front of his eyes. He didn't hear the screams. He doesn't truly understand my fear. Intellectually he does, but he doesn't have my personal experience. He's very frustrated that I keep evading the subject.
He doesn't cry. He's very sad all the time, like me, but he never cries. I don't think he can. I think he locked all his emotions in a safe and threw away the key and that's how he copes. I started crying and never stopped.
At least Keira is happy. She's all smiles all the time. It's refreshing to see someone smiling. I'm proud of that kid. She called me Mama the other day. I mightn't be her true mother, but Keira is like me. The Empire took her real family away from her.
I wish I knew something about her real family. Her blood family. Does she have siblings? Aunts and uncles? A father? She'll grow up without them. Like I did.
Since I started this diary, I've kept up a holocron. It's the only use of the Force I actually use. When she's old enough, I'm giving it to her. Hopefully she can avoid my heartbreak. I wouldn't wish this life any on anyone.
Mon Mothma has met our new friend. She thinks he'll be good for me. I agree with her. I'm just not ready to be helped. Not yet.
I'm watching him teach Keira to meditate. Trying to anyway. She won't sit still. It almost makes me laugh. I haven't laughed in over a year. Not since I entered the war. That was over three years ago. I became a warrior by necessity. I wanted to be a healer.
If I could go back, I know I would. Warn them, if I could. But then I'd never know Keira. I'm not sure if I'd be willing to sacrifice that. A child's love is a remarkable thing. No matter what you do, they still love you. I don't deserve it. She'd be better off with her family anyway, and I with mine. I'd still do it. I don't want her to grow up an outlaw, without a chance to fit in because of her ability.
It would be my duty.