Chapter Two:

Sobering Prongs

or

Operation Getting James to Shut Up About Lily


That night, Remus and Peter made their way to the statue of the One-Eyed Witch under James' invisibility cloak. James had Transfiguration homework to catch up on after Quidditch practice, so he barely noticed them leaving the Common Room. Sirius had been gone that whole afternoon to Hogsmeade, and Remus knew how dangerous it was. He tried warning him but that only served to incite Sirius further to rebellion, so Remus knew to keep his conscious quiet around the Marauders.

Peter and Remus waited for Sirius for what seemed like ages. The window across from them showed the dark night sky blotted with stars, and the corridors were cold and windy. Peter pulled out a tattered book from his pockets and began to read it surreptitiously.

"What's that?" Remus asked curiously.

Peter grinned. "Mother reads these all the time. Here, have a look. Reckon it might help us in the plan?" Peter handed the book to Remus.

Remus looked at the worn cover. There was a moving picture of a long-haired muscled man, open-shirted, holding a woman in a flowing nightgown. She held a half-bitten apple in her right hand.

"Romance novels?" Remus asked skeptically, handing the book back to Peter, "I dunno, mate, James has the unrealistic expectations market cornered. No need to give him fodder for more daydreams."

Suddenly, there was a sound of grinding stone behind them. They turned to see the hump of the One-Eyed Witch disappear and Sirius climb out disheveled holding a rucksack.

"What's in there?" Peter asked curiously as Sirius slipped under the invisibility cloak with them.

"I'll show you in a bit ... but first - to the abandoned girls' bathroom!" Sirius commanded with a flourish, and they shuffled through the corridor quickly as possible.

"All right," Sirius said, once they were sitting in a corner of the bathroom. "First order of business, we've got to get James out of his obsession. Let Lily see him act normally for a change - You know, let her get to know the James we know ... Or the James we used to know before he went all mental." He said with a hint of bitterness.

"You mean let her get to know the James that pines all night and sings about her shimmering crimson locks?" Peter asked sarcastically, and Sirius laughed.

"You know, that's actually not a bad idea, Padfoot." Remus said with a resolute nod.

"You actually think this will work?" Peter asked with a raised eyebrow at Remus.

"I don't know! Maybe! We could try it! I mean - I miss the Old Prongs!" Remus said dejectedly. The three of them suddenly looked forlorn and wistful, as they stared sadly at the bidet across them.

"You know, I can't remember a time when he didn't prattle on an on about Evans." Sirius huffed, sounding bored at the thought.

"I'm getting sick of it myself." Peter added.

"Which is why I propose," Sirius paused for effect, "slipping Prongs a Sobering Tonic."

Peter looked confused, "But he's not drunk."

Sirius waited as Peter paused to think, "Of course! You're right - it'll work! He's as good as drunk!"

Remus thought for a minute, "But how will we get it? Pomfrey doesn't make them. And most of the ingredients for a Sobering Tonic are restricted to St. Mungo's personnel."

Sirius grinned, "Not if you can charm the girl in the Apothecary to sell them to you." He pulled out a yellow vial from his sack, "Essence of Rue – from the powdered flowers – used in sobering potions. A Class-A-Non-Tradeable unless you're St. Mungo's personnel or the sexiest wizard alive," Sirius grinned, "We can get the deflating draught from Slughorn's store room. Finish it off with some syrup of Hellebore, to calm his nerves, and we'll barely recognize him!"

"I dunno," Peter said, biting his lip, "I don't think experimenting with potions is going to go very well. It's not like we're Snape. What if James gets hurt? Let's just make the regular Sobering Tonic and not add all the Hellebore stuff and complicate it."

Sirius pouted. "Give me some credit, Wormtail, It's not like they're combustible when combined! I checked! James will be fine. Trust me. It's not like we're giving him a Hate Potion for Evans – though we should. It's just a harmless tonic that will clear his head."

Remus, meanwhile, was rummaging around in Sirius' bag. "What all the rest of this stuff?" Remus asked confusedly, pulling out strange bottles, jars, vials, and tablets.

Sirius snatched the bag from Remus, and smirked, "That is for me to know and you to find out."

Remus and Peter rolled their eyes.

"All right," Peter said, "Let's get this over with. When are we slipping it to him?"

"Erm … Maybe Breakfast tomorrow?" Remus suggested, "In his pumpkin juice. We can brew it tonight. Merlin knows I can't stand Prongs make a fool of himself any longer."

Sirius beamed, "Moony my friend, you are coming along nicely. You're my favorite prefect turned villain!"

Smilingly, Remus shook his head.

The Next Morning

James was sitting to Breakfast with Remus and Frank Longbottom when Sirius and Peter appeared through the doorways. The Great Hall was bright with sunlight, there were a few owls swooping in with the morning papers, and many students were furiously eating.

"Morning, Frank," Sirius said, sliding into a seat next to Remus. He looked at James, who was grinning madly, "You seem in a good mood, Prongs."

James beamed, "So you know I was up all last night doing McGonagall's twelve rolls of parchment on Bipedal Transfiguration, right? And I was all alone. And the fire was crackling. And then suddenly, Lily came back last from patrolling the hallways, her hair all messy and her face pale with cold. And she actually wished me goodnight before she went up!" James excitedly waved a piece of kipper on his fork at them. It hit Peter in the face.

Frank snickered as James continued to prattle, "Can you imagine – she wanted me to have a good night! A night filled with goodness! Which can only mean that she wanted me to have good dreams – and my best good dreams are always about her! So she wanted me to have a good dream about her! James sighed, his blue eyes glazed again, looking up at the sunlit ceiling, "Boy, what a witch!"

Peter nudged James, "Oi, Prongs – Evans is here!"

"Where?" James said, looking wildly around, and his hand furiously raked his hair, messing it up.

Sure enough, Lily appeared with her friends - Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, Jessica Burkes, Alice Prewett, Emmeline Vance, and Hestia Jones - to sit on the other side of the table a few seats from Frank.

James checked his reflection in a spoon, and then cleared his throat, "Evans," He boomed across the table to her, "You look enchanting this morning. As always." He grinned at her.

Remus, Sirius, Peter and Frank watched with trepidation.

Lily was about to drink from her goblet when she stopped as he spoke to her. She gave him a cold look, and muttered, "Morning, Potter," before turning her head away from him to talk to Alice on her left.

James turned to Sirius, and he looked ecstatic. He held up his hand and pointed at his palm, "See?" He mouthed, "She wants me."

Peter blanched worried for James' sanity. Frank laughed.

Remus shook his head, "Oh, Merlin, he's hopeless."

"What was that, Moony?" James asked innocently, his mouth full of scrambled eggs.

"Nothing," Remus smiled pleasantly, biting into his toast. Remus leaned in to Sirius, speaking through the corners of his mouth, "Do it! Before he loses his mind further, Padfoot, do it now!"

Sirius reached into his robes, and at the same time, he pointed at the Slytherin Table, yelling excitedly, "LOOK! Prongs! It's Snivelly – Drinking Dandelion Juice!"

James turned in his chair, and was peering through the backs of all the students to see Snape. "Where? I don't see him!" He continued wildly looking around. Sirius' hand grazed over the glasses of pumpkin juice, and his hand dipped a few drops of a vial tucked into his sleeve into James' goblet.

"Don't you see him? There - and the slimy git looks like he's enjoying it too!" Sirius said emphatically.

James craned his neck, and while he and Sirius were talking excitedly between themselves, Remus, in a fit of fear that a few drops wouldn't be enough, grabbed the vial from Sirius' sleeve and emptied the entire contents into James' goblet while he wasn't looking.

Frank knitted his eyebrows, and Peter laughed with mirth at Remus. Remus shushed them both, and returned to his breakfast innocently.

"There, I see him!" James finally exclaimed excitedly to Sirius, "Oi, Padfoot, watch this! Accio Snivelly's Dandelion Juice!" James brandished his wand, and Snape choked a bit as his goblet went soaring through the Great Hall into James' outstretched hands. James poured it slowly on the floor, all the while laughing at Snape. Sirius grinned, slapping James on the back smugly.

Lily got up from her seat loudly. Everyone looked at her as she walked past James, her eyes cold, "I should have known not to trust you to change. You're still the cruel bastard that hexes anyone anytime he feels like it. He was just having breakfast. You make me sick, Potter!" She slammed into his shoulder angrily and his stumbled back slightly.

"Wow – Evans, I never knew she was this hot-blooded!" James said dreamily, massaging his shoulder, staring after her retreating figure, "She's always hitting me and slamming into me - pretending she's angry when all she wants to do is shag me till I'm unconscious!"

Peter choked on his milk, and Frank thumped him on the back, trying not to laugh.

Sirius sat down, patting James' seat. "Prongs, we've got Defense in half an hour. You better eat quickly. I want a good seat so I can hex Bellatrix when she's not looking."

James nodded, sitting down, and stuffed the forked eggs in his mouth hurriedly. He hadn't noticed anything different with his pumpkin juice, and he chewed noisily, reaching for his goblet, drinking and chewing at the same time. He didn't notice that the four boys were staring avidly at him, leaning forward in anticipation.

James swallowed thickly and pounded his chest to send his food down. He quickly drained the rest of his pumpkin juice and stood up. "All right, let's go, Padfoot. You guys coming?" He asked them.

They all nodded blankly, still staring at him keenly.

Sirius got up and left with James. He didn't catch Peter and Remus laughing happily, filling a curious Frank in on what had just happened.

One Hour Later

An hour later after Sirius had slipped James the Sobering Tonic, the Marauders were sitting in Defense against the Dark Arts with the rest of the Gryffindors and Slytherins. Peter kept trying to see if anything had changed with James even though he was sitting in the back with Remus, and they couldn't hear anything that Sirius and James were talking about. It wasn't until the class was nearly finished that Peter and Remus saw anything.

Professor Viridian had cleared the desks, and announced that it was time for Practical Defensive Magic. He paired everyone up, and Peter and Remus walked over to where Sirius and James were standing. The pairs of students faced each other preparing to duel. James surprised everyone by being the first to not only disarm his opponent Sirius, but bind him up in ropes and chain him to Viridian's desk.

Some sniggered, and other whistled, and Lily, in a mark of sportsmanship, complimented James, "Nice work, Potter. Be sure to untie Black before Charms."

James smiled slightly, not saying a word, before he ignored Lily and turned to remove the jinx from Sirius.

It was then that Peter knew something miraculous had happened. Lily looked confused, almost as if she was expecting him to do something – tousle his hair – wink at her – make a dirty joke – ask her on a date – anything! Instead, he was chatting casually with Frank Longbottom and Colin Thomas.

Sirius, after being unfrozen by James, turned to Remus and Peter and grinned like a madman. Peter's eyes were wide; Remus' mouth was hanging open as they watched James from a distance. Sirius walked over to them when James wasn't looking, and said under his breath, "See how calm he is? That's the Syrup of Hellebore! He didn't even blink when she talked to him!"

"It's a miracle!" Frank said, walking over to them, making sure no one heard, "Lily looks stunned. Question is how long will it last?"

Remus grinned, "I added some bark of Yew – it's used to make potions longwearing. I'd say a few weeks, if not more."

"Good man, Moony," Sirius said, shaking him by the hand.

Frank breathed a sigh of relief, "So no more nights waking up to him screaming her name? I don't dare believe it!"

Sirius and Peter began dancing around in a circle, singing, "Prongs is back! Prongs is back!" Frank and Remus just laughed at them. Suddenly, Remus spotted something, and stopped the dancing Sirius and Peter.

Remus whispered, "Look!" He was pointing proudly at James, who was standing in front of Lily, explaining the spell he had used to bind Sirius. He was talking enthusiastically, but he seemed … rational. He wasn't foaming at the mouth in her presence anymore; he was just being James again. She was looking at him, and a small smile was playing at the corner of her lips. Crazy, love-starved James would have noticed this and made a stupid joke, but sober James didn't seem to notice and didn't seem to care.

"Oh God," Remus said, suddenly scared, "He hasn't stopped liking her or anything, has he?"

They all looked at him again. Lily was walking away from him, after quietly saying, "Thanks." James turned around to look for his friends, but instead of a manic gleam of happiness, there was a small tinge of red on his cheeks.

"I wouldn't think he's over her at all," Peter laughed as James joined them.

"Where have you lot been?" James asked curiously.

"Admiring our talents." Sirius said honestly, "What happened there, Prongs? What was Lily talking to you about?" Sirius tried to incite the passionate sermon that James normally would have given them, but it didn't come.

James shrugged, "She just wanted to know how to cast a nonverbal with the Impediment Jinx."

"So…" Peter asked, barely believing it, "… She was all over you, wasn't she? Trying to hide her desire to shag you senseless? Her gorgeous green eyes filled with wanton lust for your hard Quidditch body?"

James wrinkled his brows, laughing, "Wormtail, of course not! I mean, it was just a simple question."

Sirius was standing behind him, hopping on one foot and stuffing his hand in his mouth to stop himself from screaming in joy.

"Oh Merlin. You don't like her anymore, do you?" Remus asked, but his voice was concerned.

James lowered his voice, "Of course I do! I mean, it's Lily! I still like her, but I feel calmer somehow. It's not bad. I can actually feel something deeper for her instead of just wanting her like that." He sighed deeply, "You know, I should just keep my feelings to myself. I'm sick of making a show of everything I do for her. She's worth so much more …, " James stopped suddenly, "… Remus, are you crying?"

Remus was covering his eyes, "No! No! It's just – dust in my eyes – is all."

Suddenly, Professor Viridian boomed again, "Now, finally, before you leave today, I want you to cast the most important charm of all – the shield spell. Potter, since you're advancing in defensive spells, I want to see you protect Black from an attack by another wizard - Snape."

Snape smirked, readying himself in front of Sirius, as James stood on the other side. Within a second, Snape swished his wand silently, making a slashing sound, as a jet of purple light burst from his wand. James yelled, "Protego Totalum!" But it was too late. Sirius had fallen over, almost like he had been petrified.

The class looked on horrified, as James, Remus, and a few others tried reviving charms on Sirius. Viridian cast a charm on Sirius with a lazy flick of his wand, before turning to his office. Sirius sat up, gasping for breath as if he had been drowned. "What was that greasy pillock thinking," Sirius said, getting to his feet, sounding indignant, "That was dark magic! And Viridian just lets him off like that!"

James growled angrily. Remus tried to hold him back, but James was out of the classroom hunting Snape down. Snape hadn't gotten far. James pulled out his wand, his face red with anger. "Turn around, you coward!"

Snape turned, "What did you say?"

Lily was standing behind James, and she was trying to pull him back. "Potter, don't!" But James didn't listen. Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Frank had reached the hallway, and were staring at the two figures almost dueling each other.

"I said, turn around, you fucking coward," James spat. As Snape's face contorted with rage, James flicked his wand, and had Snape hoisted up by his ankles again. James cast another spell, and Snape's wand flew to his outstretched hands.

Lily tried to use the anti-jinx, but it didn't work. She was screaming for James to stop, almost as if he was doing it to her best friend or to her personally, "Just stop it, Potter! Please! He's not worth it! Stop!"

James didn't stop, and he and Sirius began laughing. James walked over to Snape. "Oi, Snivelly, I think you might know this song - I see London … I see France … I see Snivelly's dirty underpants! "

Sirius began laughing so much, his face was red. "Prongs, I do think someone needs his laundry done. Who here thinks Snivelly needs a wash?" He turned to the crowd, who roared agreeably. Sirius shrugged complacently, and pointed his wand at Snape - soap, bubbles, and detergent burst from the tip of his wand, covering Snape's clothes as they lathered by themselves.

"This is disgusting, Potter, stop it!' Lily yelled, but he didn't listen. His face still was contorted with rage, and he was smiling as if he was consumed with vengeance.

"I'm going to the Headmaster! If you're not expelled soon, Potter, I'll leave this place myself!" Lily yelled, and fought her way through the thick crowd.

Remus, Peter, and Frank exchanged a worrying look between themselves as Sirius and James continued to mock Snape.

"Well, at least he's not slobbering over her. And you know, he's helping Snape – doing his laundry and all that." Peter supplied optimistically.

"Sure, he's helping Snape – develop a lifelong complex. He's not infatuated with Lily anymore, yes, but James is still acting like a git. Rowing with Snape all the time – It's pissing her off. He'll never get anywhere with her with that sort of behavior. " Frank said mournfully.

"If only there was something we could do about his anger. Make him more friendly-like to the Slytherins." Remus mused thoughtfully. James had finished doing Snape's laundry, and was now drying his clothes. The crowd was laughing murderously. Snape looked faint, and his face was purple.

Peter turned to Remus, a maniacal grin on his face. "Moony, you have done it!"

"What? What have I done?" Remus asked confusedly. The crowd was roaring behind him.

"There IS something we can do about his temper!" Peter said excitedly, "Compunction Unction – you remember from Potions class, it was first brewed by Benedictine Monks to inspire penitence and sympathy by the Knights!" Peter laughed, looking on, "Hard to get some of the ingredients, though. The steps are complicated too, but it's not very difficult." Peter paused to think, "Who knows? We ought to slip in a bit to Sirius too. Poor bloke could use some compassion ... You know, that romance between James and Lily is looking more and more convincing, innit?"

Remus shook his head disbelievingly, "Wormtail – You. Are. Bloody. Brilliant."

Frank nodded in agreement, his eyes wide with interest at the prospect of possibly mischief-making with the legendary Marauders. Frank cleared his throat - It was all for a good cause anyway.