Chapter Three:

Climbing the Girls Stairway

or

Operation Find out What Lily Thinks of James

Peter's brilliant plan to get James and Sirius a conscience would have to wait. That night - before James and Sirius returned from a detention with McGonagall for attacking and undressing Snape again - Remus was trying to think of how they could get the ingredients for the Compunction Unction. He had gone to the library, and pulled out a book on potions from the Restricted Section. That particular unction would only brew one night after the Winter Solstice – nearly a month from today. Remus chuckled, thinking the potion probably had something to do with all the good Yuletide spirit. As Remus was flipping through the pages idly on his four-post bed, taking a few notes, he heard Sirius barge into the room.

"All right," Sirius said, breathing heavily, locking the door and looking over his shoulder, "We've got exactly fifteen minutes. James is planning next season's Quidditch practice, and most of Lily's friends are at Charms club. Quick, Wormtail, close the windows. We want no one hearing this."

Peter nodded, and bounced over to the window, pulling the drapes and casting an Impervious charm on the windows and doors.

Remus looked confused, "What do Lily's friends have to do with this?"

Sirius smiled, cryptically "Everything."

Before Remus could ask him anything, Sirius had pulled out a giant bottle filled with a frothy, green liquid. Remus wondered when Sirius had the time to brew that since he spent his free time hexing people and going to detentions. Peter watched excitedly, his watery eyes glistening, as Sirius carefully put on a pair of cotton gloves, and pulled out a few empty vials.

"Dare I ask?" Remus asked dryly.

"It's ready," Sirius announced, handing one empty vial to Peter and another to Remus while keeping one for himself, "You know that I always brew a batch of Polyjuice Potion in case we need it for marauding emergencies, right?"

"Of course," Remus replied, shaking his head, knowing how ridiculous Sirius sounded.

"Well," Sirius said, "Stage Two of Operation Romance is upon us. I figured that before we do anything further, we've got to first find out what Lily thinks of James."

Peter nodded. "Good idea." He rattled his vial, pointing at it curiously, "What's this empty vial for?"

"I'll get to it," Sirius said in a placating tone, "And we know we can't just walk up to perfect prefect Head Girl Evans and ask her that without coming back with a couple jewels missing from the treasury. So …"

Cutting Sirius off, Remus got up indignantly, "I distinctly remember one Mister Black assuring me a few days ago that there would be nothing illegal involved, and this is the height of illegal activity!" Remus tapped his foot, waiting for an explanation.

Sirius scoffed, and began talking in a melodramatic voice, "Moony, I thought it would be obvious. You should have known that our paths would be fraught with danger, intrigue, and cunning. We'd be lucky to come back alive." Sirius walked over to Remus, putting an arm over his shoulder, "Could you ever forgive yourself if you were the one who let one silly, inconsequential little illegal potion stand in the way of true love?" Sirius then turned to face Remus - a sad, lonely, beseeching basset hound look plastered on his face.

Remus backed away, warningly, "Sirius, don't you dare make that face! " Remus took one glance then screamed, "Argh! Fine!! But if we get caught, I'm telling them it was all your idea!"

Sirius beamed. "Of course, Moony, I'd expect nothing less from you." Sirius turned to Peter, "Any objections from you, Wormtail?"

Peter shook his head. He rattled his empty vial again, peering intensely at its contents, "All right, so I'm guessing this is hair – or skin – or something gross from some person that Lily trusts enough to talk about Prongs. Who are they?"

"Dorcas Meadowes, Hestia Jones, and Emmeline Vance," Sirius said succinctly.

Remus looked down at his vial, then looked at Sirius, and then looked away resolutely. 'I don't even want to how you got this."

Sirius let out a bark-like laugh.

Peter shook his head, groaning impatiently, pointing at the bottle of Polyjuice Potion, "Padfoot, Hand the potion over. Let's get this over with, then."

Sirius and Remus looked confusedly at Peter. "We're doing it now?" They asked in unison.

"Then when?" Peter asked annoyed, "The sooner we get this done with, the better."

They nodded agreeably half-heartedly. Sirius first uncorked the bottle of Polyjuice Potion, and then poured the lumpy, frothing green mess into his vial. He shook it a bit, and handed the bottle to Peter. Peter did the same, handing it finally to Remus.

"Don't you think it's going to look suspicious if three girls walk down from the boys' dormitory?" Remus asked, pouring the potion into his vial.

Peter clamped his fingers over his nose, preparing to drink, "Of course not," He said in a nasally voice, "We'll tell whoever asks that we were just shagging the Marauders. And they're not to be disturbed."

Sirius burst into laughter. Remus tried hard not to drop his glass vial as he laughed too. "If that's the case," Remus said hurriedly, running over to each of the beds and making a mock body out of pillows, "We've got to look like we're sleeping." He swished his wand, and the three pillows began to snore. Another swish and the velvet curtains pulled around the beds, making it all look very realistic. He turned to look at Peter and Sirius, who were smirking at him knowingly, "Yes, I know, I'm a prefect turned dastardly villain. What else is new?"

Sirius held up his vial, "Shall we, gentlemen?"

They nodded and clinked the vials together with an evil grin.

Peter still had his nose clamped, "To Twoo Lub," He toasted nasally.

"Hear, hear," The two others replied.

In a second, they all threw their heads back and drank the lumpy liquid in one gulp.

For a moment, they all looked at each other in pure silence.

Sirius was the first to react. "BLARGH!" He leaned over Remus' bed, and nearly threw up on his old pile of clothes. Nearly. After a moment, he breathed a sigh of relief and straightened up. He stared at his fingernails, which were growing slowly. His calloused hands turned smooth and became paler. But suddenly, In a flash of a second, his entire face seemed to bubble, then just as Sirius Black had been standing a moment ago, Dorcas Meadowes stood in his place. Sirius now had short dark hair, amber eyes, and a pointy nose. This was not however the thing that caught Sirius' eye. He was looking down, mesmerized, staring at a huge pair of –

"PADFOOT! Now's not the time!" Remus yelled, but instead, the smooth, melodious voice of Emmeline Vance came out. Remus squeaked, covering his mouth. Just as Sirius had transformed a second ago, Remus' face suddenly appeared to bubble, and suddenly, bright golden hair burst from his head to his waist, his face narrowed to a feminine structure, and his hands became slender and long. He was not blessed with the same well-endowed figure as Sirius, however. Remus was looking pale, but didn't throw up. "That was painful," He squeaked shrilly. He cleared his throat, trying again, "That was painful," and it sounded exactly as Emmeline would sound.

They turned to Peter, looking expectedly. Peter kept burping, and looking green in the face after, as he held back the bile. Just as the other boys before him, Peter transformed into Hestia Jones, and the most noticeably strange part of his transformation was a sudden growing of his bottom, and he grew incredibly squatter and fatter. His mousy brown hair turned a dark blonde, and his face grew a warm, round appearance. He burped again, his face turning pale. "Ouch," He said in a high voie, rubbing his head, "That hurt something terrible."

Sirius walked over to the door, unlocking it and peering out. "No go," He said, "There's a few fourth years in the Common Room."

Remus sat down on his bed, looking at his hands. "Isn't it strange that out of all the people we could transform into, it's them?"

Peter looked confused, "What do you mean?'

Remus scoffed, pointing at himself, "Me and Emmeline have been on and off for months now." He pointed at Peter, or Hestia, "And Jones has been trying to get Wormtail to Hogsmeade since our Fourth Year. Not to mention Wormtail accidently snogged her under charmed mistletoe last year." He pointed to Sirius, "And you – well, obviously, you know with Dorcas …, "

Sirius shook his head, "No, I don't. There's nothing between me and -"

Both Remus and Peter scoffed.

Peter looked incredulous, unable to believe that he would be the one to explain it to Sirius, "So you haven't noticed that she's been crazy for you? You're too busy pranking everyone with James to notice when she's looking wistfully behind you in class. We thought you knew."

Sirius shook his head again, but looked lost in thought. He sat down next to Peter, while Remus got up to look through the door.

Peter walked in front of James' full-length mirror to examine himself, "You know, I wouldn't have thought it before," He said, twirling a bit, "But I think I rather like these. Hestia hasn't got a bad body." He patted his behind, and then started touching his breasts inappropriately.

"Stop molesting Jones, Wormtail!" Sirius barked in Dorcas' voice.

Tossing his dark blonde hair, Peter turned crossly to Sirius, his hands still on his breasts, "I can do whatever I please! They're mine now!" He cackled evilly, and began touching himself again.

"Those," Sirius said, pointing at Peter's chest, "Are for rent! Hands off the goods, you scurvy rat!" Sirius walked over, trying to chase Peter down. Peter was running merrily around the room. He jumped on James' bed, while Sirius made a lunge for him. Peter grinned evilly at Sirius, who was trying hard not to laugh, as he slowly raised the hem of his black robes, doing a sort of ungainly burlesque dance, when –

"Shut up playing around, the both of you!" Remus yelled from the doorway, "The Common Room's empty. Let's go!"

Peter huffed, climbing down from the bed, "Oh bother," He scowled, "You always ruin the fun, Moony."

The three of them crowded around the door, peering down at the Common Room. The fire was crackling, and there wasn't a soul in sight.

"Why aren't we using the Invisibility Cloak again?" Sirius asked quietly.

"Because James took it down to the Quidditch Pitch an hour ago," Remus replied shortly. "All right, here's the plan: We run down the stairs, through the Common Room, and up the girls' dormitory on the count of three. Ready? One … Two … "

Sirius had decided to run a second before schedule. He was thundering down the stairs with Peter hot on his tails. Remus shrugged disappointedly, and followed them. They reached the bottom of the stairs, panting heavily, and began sprinting across the Common Room to the staircase to the girls' dormitory. For a second, they stood there, staring up, expressions of holy wonder on their faces.

"This is it," Sirius breathed, staring up with stars in his eyes, "The greatest adventures of our lives."

The others nodded in awed agreement. A strange shiver passed through them – alighting them to the magical miracle that was about to take place. They were the chosen ones.

Sirius was the bravest, placing one shaky foot on the staircase, knowing what would happen if the evil bugger of a staircase sensed who he was. Nothing happened. He grinned at his mates. He placed his weight on the first stair, and then another, and finally stood cringing on the third stair, afraid it would turn into a slide when he least expected it.

"Oh come off it, Padfoot," Remus said, walking up the stairs past him, "Nothing's going to happen."

Relieved, Sirius followed Remus up, and Peter was running up behind him. "Shouldn't we savor the moment, lads? Take a few snaps for our grandchildren?" Sirius suggested, but Remus just rolled his eyes.

They reached the top of the staircase. Remus tentatively pushed open the door, and turned to find Sirius looking down at the Common Room, a glazed look in his eyes. Remus dragged him and Peter through the door, and into another cavern with a smaller winding staircase just like in the boys' dormitory. Sirius and Peter were again savoring the moment behind him, but Remus was too busy thinking. If Lily was Head Girl, Remus thought, then her room should be right ... here.

"Oh, Hello," Remus said, as he pushed open the door and found Lily sitting on her bed, reading. He felt two people run into him, and he groaned, "Oomph! Watch it!" He yelled behind him. He stumbled inside, and looked around cautiously. The two oafs behind him were also looking around in wonder, though it was unwise to look like strangers.

Looking surprised, Lily smiled, "Dorcas, didn't you have Charms club? And – Emmeline – Hestia – weren't you in the Greenhouses helping Professor Sprout with something?"

The three of them looked at each other. "Er … we were bored." Sirius answered as honestly as he could. He often did get bored doing those things.

Lily nodded understandingly. Remus smiled awkwardly again at her, wondering which bed was his. He tried hard not to let his mind wander and think about Emmeline, but he couldn't fight it. He looked up to smile again at Lily, when he saw her looking over his shoulder with a bemused expression on her face. Remus turned around to see Sirius looking like he was in heaven.

"Ah," Sirius said, closing his eyes and taking a deep whiff of the room, "It smells heavenly in here. Like Butterscotch and Christmas. Not at all like melted rancid socks under dung bomb-stained sheets."

Peter nodded, closing his eyes and sniffing like Sirius. Lily giggled.

Remus gave Sirius one swift kick to the chins, and turned again to Lily, a plan forming in his mind. They didn't have much time before the potion wore off, and the two idiots behind him weren't helping matters. "So Lily," Remus began, sitting down next to her, "We ran past Snape and his gang after Charms club. Those prats – tell them what they did to you, Hestia." Remus gave a pointed look at Peter.

Lily looked concerned. She snapped her books closed, and sat up straight.

Still trying to stop the Polyjuice Potion vomit, Peter put a finger to his chin, trying to think. Suddenly, he exclaimed, "I know! Er… I mean, I remember. They cast the jelly legs curse on me. And … and … Dolohov cast the trip jinx on Dorcas. And before Emmeline could save us, Snape cast the jelly fingers jinx on him – her – and her wand slipped out of her hands." Peter was getting into the story, a few tears leaked out of his eyes, "It was so terrible. They called us nasty words. Filthy Mudblood –"

"Why?" Lily asked curiously, "You're not muggleborn … "

"Those bigoted Slytherins," Remus said chuckling, casting a dark look at Peter, "They're so stupid. But Lily, that's not the point. The strangest thing happened –"

"I'LL TELL IT!" Sirius said, flying in front of them, his voice melodramatic, "There we were – damsels in distress even though we tried to fight back. We were trapped. At the mercy of those fiends – when all of a sudden, we heard something. It was a deep sexy voice. I looked up, and it was James Potter, running at them, his eyes blazing with … concern. He wasn't angry, Lily, no, not at all!" Sirius looked off dreamily, "He was like a Knight. He found them off singlehandedly. And then, he helped us to our feet and walked us back before going to play some manly Quidditch. It was amazing. Whatever rubbish I've said about the prat I take it all back."

Remus broke in, his voice sounding broken with emotion, as he wiped away a fake tear, "He was our hero."

Lily was looking distantly at the fireplace, her eyes wide. "Potter? You sure?"

"Yes, we're sure!" They said in unison.

Remus sat closer to Lily, tossing his long blonde hair over his shoulder, "What do you think of him – Potter, I mean? If he saved us, he can't be all bad, can he?"

Lily grimaced, "I never said he was pure evil. But he's cruel sometimes – and just as prejudiced as the Slytherins. He never gives anyone a second chance. Once his mind is made up, there's no going back. Take his – his obsession with me. He doesn't even know me. He wouldn't even notice if I changed drastically. All he can see is a difficult conquest. He's never done anything altruistically. Just anything for fame and glory."

The boys were quiet except for Peter still burping painfully.

Lily sighed, looking kindly at them, "I'm glad he helped you, really. And I know you're going to tell me off for not going with him after that, but I need more from him. I need to know he's really changed. If he just did something that would … not be in his interest at all … something that wouldn't swell that already big head of his … maybe I could change. I'd give him a chance." She held up a pillow in front of her, laughing, "I'm not letting that prat hurt me."

Sirius sighed, propping his chin up on his palms, looking suddenly lovingly up at her, "You know … you're a great girl, Evans – Lily – and I guess – he's not so bad himself – but not worthy of you by any measure! " He grinned.

Lily chuckled, "We'll talk about me and James after we talk about you and Sirius. What did he do again when you handed him that flagon of pumpkin juice this morning, Dorcas?"

Sirius looked a little shocked, as he remembered that morning. He looked away ashamedly, saying quietly, "He didn't notice."

"That's right," Lily said, getting up, "Why? Because he and his smarmy sidekicks are all prats. Either they slobber all over you, or don't even notice you're in the same room."

Peter got up, stifling some vomit, "Hear hear! Boys be damned! Kill them all! Hang them by their fingernails!" A few moments polyjuiced as a girl, and Peter had forgotten ever having being a male.

Lily chuckled, "Hestia, surely you don't think Amos is like every other stupid boy, do you? He's kind, polite, and doesn't hex anyone for fun. Perhaps we'll spare him the hanging." She looked away wistfully.

Sirius and Remus shared a look, "Amos?" They asked her together confusedly.

Lily looked out the window, her eyes glazed, "Last night when we were patrolling the hallway, he saw Snape and Lestrange hexing some third year boy - behaving exactly like Potter. Amos stepped in and somehow got them to stop without using his wand." She turned to look at them, "I promised him that I wouldn't tell anyone, but I can't keep it from you three." She paused, "We've been dating secretly."

"WHAT?" They asked loudly.

Lily squealed happily, not seeing the stricken look on their faces, "Isn't it wonderful – I told him not to tell anyone because of James' temper - even if I'd sorely love to see the look on that wanker's face when he finds out." She suddenly stopped, looking at Peter, "Hestia? Are you all right? You look a bit peaky."

Peter nodded, but this time he couldn't hold back the vomit any longer. He leaned over, and Sirius just jumped out of the way, as Peter splattered his stomach all over Lily's trunk. Lucky her trunk was closed. Lily got up worriedly and patted Peter's back, conjuring up a glass of water.

Sirius and Remus shared a look.

"Oh no," Peter said, looking watery-eyed at the green, frothy, stinky vomit in front of him. He sounded strange, like his voice was breaking. He felt his face, as it began to bubble like before, "Oh, shite."

Remus shot up, "Evanesco!" He yelled, vanishing the vomit.

Remus picked Peter up, and making sure Lily didn't catch his transforming face, he backed out of the room. "Er ... We've got to go. Toilet emergency in the Greenhouse. Can't stay."

Sirius shot up, running after them. Before he closed the door, Sirius closed his eyes again, and took one deep whiff. "Ahh," He breathed, looking very content. "Butterscotch, vanilla pudding, and … strawberry shampoo," He sighed dreamily, looking like a sniffing hound.

Lily almost laughed, when she saw a hand suddenly grab her friend by the collar, dragging her from the doorway. The door shut with a bang. Shrugging, Lily returned to her homework, hoping Emmeline would take Hestia to the hospital wing.

Author's Note:

I love reviews - good, bad, and ugly ones. Hint hint. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.