Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar or the song "I Hate Men" from Kiss Me, Kate, by Cole Porter.

Author's Note: The last few chapters were pretty serious, so I thought it was time for some humor! I'm not really sure where this came from, but it's how I imagine Azula's views on men. There are several versions of the lyrics floating around, so I've done a little picking and choosing. It's mostly the ones used in the film.

I Hate Men

I hate men.
I can't abide them even now and then.
Than ever marry one of them,
I'd rest a virgin rather,
For husbands are a boring lot
And only give you bother.
Of course, I'm awfully glad that Mother
Deigned to marry Father--
But I hate men!

Princess Azula had never had much use for men. Perhaps it was because, from an early age, she was aware that she was supposed to marry one of them and continue the family line. Or perhaps it was because they seemed to be everywhere during her childhood, and most of them treated her with a repulsive condescension. Like Uncle Iroh, sending her a stupid doll from Ba Sing Se, while her useless brother got a knife. Honestly!

Not that it mattered. Azula was the apple of her father's eye, his little prodigy, and his was the only man's opinion she was interested in. If she wanted to one day succeed him on the glorious Fire Nation throne, she needed to stay in his good graces. It wouldn't be easy to convince her chauvinistic people to recognize her in favor of dear Zuzu, but she would find a way. Her father had managed to take the Fire Lord title in place of his older brother, so surely this was just one step further.

Of course, Azula was glad that her mother had married her father so that she could be born, but then, she didn't have a very high opinion of her mother, either. Why had she just walked out on them like that? Azula was shrewd enough to understand that it must have something to do with her grandfather's death, but it still seemed an incredibly cowardly thing to do. As Azula regarded her father in a different category from other men, so she saw her mother as being somehow unworthy of being a woman. There had to be a flaw in Ursa to make her so clearly prefer her son over her daughter.

Of all the types I've ever met
Within our democracy,
I hate the most the athlete,
With his manner bold and brassy.
He may have hair upon his chest,
But sister, so has Lassie! I hate men!

Azula did realize that it would be her duty to produce children as heirs to her legacy, but strictly speaking, marriage wasn't necessary for that. The advantage of having a woman on the throne was that there was no problem with illegitimacy. As long as the children were hers, who would care who the father was? She had no interest in being tied down to a man and having to deal with him day and night for years; she just needed him long enough to provide this…service.

Naturally, Azula wanted to produce the best possible future rulers. That meant that the man she selected had to be a powerful firebender, preferably with above average intelligence but low ethics. That might complicate matters because she couldn't afford to have him more ambitious than she was. Maybe she'd have to convince him that he was using her while she was using him. That shouldn't be too hard. In any case, she had other things to deal with first.

Azula was able to put off these decisions while tracking down her brother and uncle and dealing with the Avatar, but it couldn't last. If only she could live forever, she'd never have to resign herself to sharing her bed with one of those lumpy, barbaric creatures. Still, the thought of the seat of the world's power one day being in the hands of Zuko or one of his descendants was even more disgusting.

I hate men.
Though roosters they, I will not play the hen.
Don't wed a traveling salesman,
Though a tempting Tom he may be,
He'll bring thee jade from China
And perfume from Araby,.
But don't forget, 'tis he who'll have the fun,
And thee the baby.
Oh, I hate men!

It was a source of endless irritation to Azula that Ty Lee, from about the age of 11, was throwing herself at almost anything that might one day grow a beard. The absurdly cheery acrobat actually seemed to like being close to boys. Azula didn't understand that at all.

Ty Lee had always received a lot of attention and seemed to be constantly accepting gifts from admirers. When Azula asked about this, Ty Lee simply giggled and said that men appreciated her flexibility. Azula didn't even want to know what that meant.

Ty Lee would even gush over having babies, although she thankfully didn't seem in much of a hurry to get married. Azula even suspected that the original reason for Ty Lee running away to join the circus had something to do with a man. It seemed utterly foolish to Azula to allow someone else to influence your life decisions that way, especially one of the male persuasion. Then again, Ty Lee's intellect was not why Azula valued her.

If thou shouldst wed a businessman,
Be wary, oh, be wary.
He'll tell you he's detained in town on business necessary.
His business is the business with his pretty secretary!
Oh, I hate men!

On the other hand, Mai wasn't much better, always pining over Zuko. Azula couldn't imagine what Mai saw in her inept brother, but at least that little crush had afforded her some entertainment over the years. The young princess got to embarrass both of them, not to mention the added bonus that Zuko had no idea what was going on. Boys!

Azula expected that Mai had gotten over her infatuation with Zuko by now. He had disgraced himself, brought dishonor upon his family, and been banished for three years. What woman could possibly retain any affection for him after all that? Besides, they were no longer children but strong, independent women. However, a comment Ty Lee made to Mai when Azula first recruited them made the princess wonder. When the time came, could she trust Mai to do what was needed?

In the end, Azula kept Mai away from Zuko as much as possible, though it became more difficult when they were living in the same palace. She was reassured when Zuko exhibited no interest towards the girl, but Azula took no chances and took every opportunity to point out his faults. In any case, love had no place for women in their position. Marriages at their level of society were always business arrangements, anyway, and not one of the three needed a man to complete her.

I hate men.
They should be kept like piggies in a pen.
If you espouse an older man, through girlish optimism,
He'll always stay at home at night and make no criticism.
Though you may call it love,
The doctors call it rheumatism!
I hate men!

Now, sitting on the throne of the Earth Kingdom, Azula suddenly realized that those unpleasant decisions she'd been putting off were looming closer. Most of her large tasks had been completed. Uncle Iroh was in custody, Zuzu had come over to her side, and the Avatar…well, yes, that was a bit of a loose end, but it shouldn't take too much effort to close it up. The comet was coming soon, and after it had passed, the war would be over. She would not merely be in command of the Fire Nation but queen of the entire world!

In effect, she already was. The airbenders were dead, and who cared about the Water Tribes? They lived in frozen wastelands that were of no earthly use anyway. Trying to take them over was a waste of time and resources.

This all meant that Azula had to return to the problem of a sire for her future children. Perhaps the queen of the world should have a husband after all, for the sake of continuity. Maybe the Earth King? No, he was entirely too weak of character. Besides, that would give her the chance that some of her children would be earthbenders, and who in their right mind would want that? She wanted firebenders, and she wanted to have as few offspring as possible to get them.

The only option that made sense was to pick some elderly firebender, one who was powerful and ambitious in his day but who had retired to less energetic pursuits. In other words, somebody she could control but who would still provide the quality of offspring she required. Azula sighed tiredly as she mentally reviewed her list of possibilities.

Ruling the world was a tedious business.

From all I've read (alone in bed)
From A to Zed about them,
Since love is blind, then from the mind
All womankind should rout them!
Though ladies, you must answer, too --
What would we do without them?
Still, I hate men!

--

Member of the Boomeraang Squad: charleegirl, Jesus.Lives, Liselle129, Strix Moonwing, Avatarwolf, MormonMaiden, libowiekitty, Snows of Yester-Year, La Vixen de Amor, chocolatecoveredbananacheese, Aangy, and honorary member SnakeEyes16

Author's Note: So, was that kind of weird? I kind of liked the idea that there's at least one thing about life Azula doesn't understand. Although a lot of people put her with Zhao, we haven't really seen her show any more interest in the opposite sex than Zuko has – less, even. She's treated all men except her father with utter disdain. With the next chapter, I think I'll be starting in on some of the requests I've received.

Review responses:

Vanille Strawberry: Wow, you must really have been into the show! I actually didn't get into Avatar until just about the end of the first season. I'd caught a bit here and there while my son was watching, but I really got involved when Nickelodeon did a marathon of all the episodes to catch everybody up in preparation for the Season 1 finale.

TTAvatarfan: That's the way I felt about that episode. I really felt sorry for Aang.

libowiekitty: The tune is kind of in recitative style, anyway. It's hard to describe, but it gradually goes up in the vocal range, while the rhythm sort of mimics speech patterns.

Aangs fangirl1214: One of the things I love about Aang is that his emotions are so apparent. It makes him so easy to write, although it does make me wonder about Katara's cluelessness.

Let's Just Say I Loath It All: Obviously, that's what I thought, too. I bet you didn't see this chapter coming!

Justcallmewolfy: I was actually angry at Bato for leaving Aang out like that. If he hadn't, Aang wouldn't have gone outside or entertained the notion that Sokka and Katara might abandon him. That Earth Kingdom messenger was pretty poor, too, for not making sure the message got to the right person. Anyway, I have an idea for a future chapter that would give Katara's side of it.

Snows Of Yester-Year: Rushed? Well, maybe when I got into the stuff at the end. I had to try to find a balance. Even though it was a short song, I wasn't sure I could spend the whole thing describing Aang's state of mind at being alone. On the other hand, I didn't want to totally recap the episode, either.