This chapter is for EeeeekTheCoolCat! It may not end where you want it to but I will update again when I get home!

Chapter Four

"Because I'm an idiot," Charlie replied flatly.

Joey couldn't help but smile faintly and agree silently.

"I guess it's been a pattern for me. I wreck everything that makes me happy. I don't know why. Ruby calls it going into 'arrest mode'. I've lost people because of it. But the thing is, it never mattered as much as now. Joey, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I'll never forgive myself for letting you down."

She chewed her lip, nervous under Joey's intense gaze.

"I'd plead temporarily insanity if I could," Charlie continued. "But I know I need to take responsibility for my actions."

"Yes, you do," Joey said quietly.

Charlie nodded.

"When he found me on the beach, I wasn't in a healthy state of mind," Charlie said. "Waking up to the graffiti on my car pretty much popped the bubble you and I had been living in. And then everything just got worse and worse with the complaint everything. I didn't know if I would ever see you again and that destroyed me."

"How did you think sleeping with Hugo would help the situation?" Joey asked.

"That's exactly it. I didn't think," Charlie explained. "I was so frightened that day and all reasoning seemed to have been knocked out of me."

"Frightened of what?"

"Frightened that my colleagues would decide that I had a case to answer. Frightened that they were right."

Joey was confused.

"They weren't right," she said firmly.

"All I kept thinking about was that first kiss. You'd had one of the most traumatic days of your life, Joey. You'd nearly been murdered by the monster that… that… And I kissed you. I kept asking myself if I did take advantage."

"You didn't!" Joey protested.

"Maybe I did."

Joey put a hand on Charlie's arm.

"You didn't," she said more gently.

Both women looked at the contact between them. Joey snapped her hand away.

"I just hated the idea that I'd hurt you in some way; that I might be like him."

"Charlie, don't you ever say that! You're nothing like Robbo. You didn't do anything bad to me. Until that night with Hugo."

Charlie hung her head and sighed heavily.

"When Hugo called me gay I just lost it. Everything piled on top of me. It felt like my whole world had spun out of control and suddenly all I needed to do was prove that I wasn't."

"So you needed to deny me?" Joey asked. "To deny us?"

Charlie fought tears.

"That's not how it was," she said desperately. "It wasn't about you, Joey. It was about me."

"I know you were stressed, Charlie, but that doesn't excuse what you did. You betrayed me. After everything we've been through together, after how long it took for you to accept you loved me and you threw it all away," Joey said. "And you know, that night just proved that you were lying to me. You never accepted that you loved me after all."

"I tried," Charlie told her.

Tears finally spilled.

"I wanted so desperately to be the person you needed me to be," Charlie said. "Joey, I love you so much. I feel like I've loved you for all my life. And I wish I wasn't so weak and pathetic. I wish I could be strong. I handled this whole thing wrong, right from the start."

"What do you mean?"

"I knew I loved you on the boat – the same time you knew you loved me. If I hadn't run away, if I hadn't freaked and shut you out, then maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. I did my usual – I tried to handle everything by myself when all I needed to do was trust you, communicate with you. We could have got together sooner. We could have lasted."

Joey struggled with her own tears. Charlie didn't even bother to wipe hers away.

"I probably pushed you too hard," Joey said sadly.

Charlie turned to look at her.

"No! No, Joey, you didn't. You did everything right with us. I could never have asked for a more perfect partner. You are the single most beautiful thing in my life. Or you were. Until I lost you."

She put her head in her hands, letting her face rest against her palms. Their lunch was long forgotten. Joey watched Charlie shudder as she lost control of her tears. Her own tears began to flow more quietly. She didn't want them to have lost each other but she couldn't see a clear road forward.