Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar or the song "Hymn to Him" from My Fair Lady, lyrics by Alan Jay Lerner.

Author's Note: This was a suggestion by my husband, although I had to do a lot of verbal maneuvering to make it work. There's so darn many words! This is Sokka sort of going off the deep end after getting kicked out of the poetry recitation during "Tales of Ba Sing Se." The way I envisioned it is that he's talking about what happened to him as though everyone listening is familiar with all the details, with the result that he sounds crazy to anyone who wasn't there.

Hymn to Him

What in all of heaven could have prompted her to go,
After such a triumph at the ball?
What could have depressed her;
What could have possessed her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all.

Aang was startled when Sokka stomped into their house in Ba Sing Se that evening, slamming the door behind him and grumbling under his breath. The girls were in Toph's room, doing something or other, and Aang had been meditating, but he sensed that there was no chance of resuming that for a while.

"Sokka! What's the matter?" he asked with concern as the older boy flung himself into a cushion that lay on the floor.

"Women!" Sokka huffed, and Aang wasn't completely sure whether this was an answer to his question or just a general complaint.

"Women?" Aang repeated cautiously. "What about women?" Sokka propped himself up on his elbows and looked directly at Aang.

"Aang, why do women leave?"

Women are irrational, that's all there is to that!
Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags.
They're nothing but exasperating, irritating,
Vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

"I'm sorry, but I don't know what you mean," Aang floundered, unable to figure out for the life of him why Sokka thought Aang, of all people, could answer that question.

"Women," Sokka repeated, speaking very slowly, as though to an extremely stupid person. "They leave, don't they?"

"I, um—"

"First Yue had to go off and become the moon," Sokka plunged on, fortunately requiring no response. "Then Suki had to go back to her warriors and do whatever."

"Well, we all have duties, Sokka."

"First, they bring you close, then they just shove you away," continued Sokka, not seeming to have heard. "They're completely irrational! They don't know what they want, and I'm through with them!"

"Ooookay." Aang blinked in confusion. He felt totally at sea, and he didn't really know what Sokka expected of him in this conversation, if it even could be called a conversation. He also couldn't figure out how Sokka intended to be through with girls when Katara and Toph were still around. No one spoke for a few seconds.

Pickering, why can't a woman be more like a man? --Hmm?
Yes…why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square.
Eternally noble, historically fair,
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Why can't a woman be like that?

"Why can't girls be more like boys?" Sokka broke the silence.

"Excuse me?" Aang thought he had been confused before, but this threw him into an entirely new category. Sokka's mind seemed to be taking more turns than the Cave of Two Lovers.

"You heard me. Why can't girls be more like boys?"

"I'm actually kind of glad they're not," Aang admitted, blushing as he thought about the physical differences he'd found interesting in Katara ever since they'd met.

"You would be," Sokka accused, giving Aang a look like he was some sort of traitor. "Think about it, though. Guys are happy when their friends succeed, right? But girls always have to be so competitive about everything. They can't stand it when you're better at something than they are. Can't we have a few things we're good at?"

Aang found that he couldn't really argue this point. Katara had been really mad when Aang proved to be better at waterbending than she was, when he'd expected her to be proud of him for picking it up so quickly. He'd tried so hard to please her and be a good student. On the other hand, she had been supportive when earthbending had proved more difficult than expected and was really happy for him when he finally got it. Of course, she couldn't earthbend, so maybe there was just no need for competition.

Why does every one do what the others do?
Can't a woman learn to use her head?
Why must they do everything their mothers do?
Why can't they grow up – well, like their father instead?

Continuing this line of thought, Aang conceded that it was difficult to imagine Toph ever admitting that anyone was better at earthbending than she was. Still, he was loath to make a broad generalization on an entire gender based on two individuals. After all, Toph and Katara were exceptional girls – uh, people. Great, Sokka even had him thinking in gender terms now. Anyway, it wasn't just anyone who would give up her life to travel with the Avatar.

"They're all the same," Sokka resumed his tirade. "They have to do everything together. Even going to the bathroom!"

"Um, Sokka? Did something happen today?" Aang decided that something must have set the warrior on this course.

"Yes. Poetry."

"Poetry?"

Why can't a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please.
Whenever you are with them, you're always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours? –Of course not!
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two? –Nonsense.
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers? –Never!
Why can't a woman be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit,
Now and then, there's one with slight defects.
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit,
But by and large, we are a marvelous sex!

"Poetry," Sokka confirmed, with a decisive nod of his head. "Haiku, to be exact." Aang was becoming convinced that Sokka had completely lost his mind. He thought he preferred Sokka on cactus juice. He made about as much sense that way, but he was more entertaining.

"Look, Sokka, I'm totally lost here," Aang confessed. Sokka didn't seem to hear him.

"Aang, you wouldn't throw me out of the house for putting an extra syllable in a line of poetry, would you?"

"No."

"See? There you go," Sokka concluded, with the air of one cinching a convincing argument.

"There what goes?"

"Men. We're great, aren't we?"

"Ummm…I…guess?"

"I mean, generally speaking. We've run the world pretty well, haven't we?"

"Not to contradict you, Sokka, but I'm pretty sure the Fire Lord is a man," Aang pointed out. He had already abandoned hope that he would escape from this interaction with his sanity intact, so he decided he might as well flow with it.

"Okay, one guy."

"I'm not crazy about Long Feng, either," Aang remarked. "I'm not sure about the Dai Li as a whole, but I don't trust them. What about all the firebenders who've attacked our people? And are you suddenly a fan of Zuko?" Sokka glared venomously at him.

"I should have known you couldn't be rational about this," he hissed.

"I'm not being rational?" Aang almost shouted.

Why can't a woman act like a man?
'Cause men are so friendly, good-natured, and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow? –Of course not.
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss? –Nonsense!
Would you complain if I took out another fellow? –Never.
Well, why can't a woman be like us?

"Aang, we're friends, aren't we?" Sokka changed the subject yet again. Aang began to wonder if Sokka had, perhaps, found a stash of cactus juice after all. Or perhaps just some liquor. Aang did not have a great deal of experience with drunkenness – the air monks had been more likely to overindulge in fruit pies than alcohol – but these mercurial mood swings seemed to be indicative of someone who was deeply in his cups.

"Of course we are," Aang answered warily, wondering where this was going.

"Exactly. It's so simple. Men don't ask a lot of their friends. I mean, you wouldn't care if I didn't tell you where I was for a few hours, would you?"

"No, I suppose—"

"Would you expect me to get you a present for your birthday?"

"I don't—"

"And of course, you wouldn't get jealous if I spent time with some other guy?"

"Now, that's just silly!" Aang exclaimed.

"Yes, it is silly. Why can't relationships with women be more like that?"

Aang just gaped at him.

"You're kidding, right?" he said finally. "Are you honestly suggesting you wouldn't mind if you found out Suki was with another guy?" At this, Sokka sat up straight and appeared more alert than at any time since he'd entered.

"Why? What have you heard?" he demanded forcefully.

"Nothing," Aang sighed in defeat. "Forget it."

Mrs. Pearce, you're a woman…why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can't a woman be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Straightening up their hair is all they ever do –
Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?

"Men stand by you, you know?" Sokka went on, relaxing his posture again. "Women are always bringing you down."

"Um, Sokka?"

"And why do they have to spend so much time worrying about how they look?"

"Sokka!"

"Their outsides are just fine. It's the inside that's all screwed up."

"SOKKA!" Aang had noticed what Sokka had not; namely, that Toph and Katara had appeared in the entry of the room and were looking, to put it mildly, less than amused. When Sokka did notice them, however, he didn't seem particularly concerned.

"Ah, there are a couple of you right now," he said blithely, getting to his feet and coming towards them. "Maybe you can tell me. Why are girls all so crazy? Why don't you ever consider logic?" There were a few beats of silence, during which Katara regarded her brother narrowly. Then, she turned to Aang.

"Aang, would you excuse us for a few moments, please?" she requested, in a tone that was entirely too sweet. The airbender didn't need to be asked twice. He scrambled to his feet and picked up his glider-staff.

"Right," he agreed, backing away slowly. "I'm just gonna go, um…yeah." He turned and made his retreat.

Why can't a woman behave like a man?
If I were a woman who'd been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all,
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing
And carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?
Why can't a woman be like me?

"Coward!" Sokka's accusation followed Aang out the door. "I wouldn't leave you like this!"

Aang couldn't help grinning slightly as he tossed his glider into the air and jumped after it. When it came to crossing those two, Aang wasn't ashamed to admit that yes, perhaps he was a coward. After all, he figured it was better to be a coward than a fool.

Besides, it was a beautiful night for flying.

--

Author's Note: I wasn't sure about this at first, but I think I like the final version. After Azula basically abused men in a prior chapter, it seemed only fair to turn the tables. I'm sorry I've left this collection languishing for a while. Not only have I been pretty absorbed with the most intense chapters of Destiny's Call, but I was having trouble getting the ideas for this to flow. I have a whole bunch of lyrics pasted into documents, just waiting for the stories to join them. One is already started, so that will probably be next.

On a side note, my 5-year-old said something funny a couple of weeks ago: "I will never understand girls!" I'm sure it's just the first of many times he'll say that in his life.

Review responses:

Snows Of Yester-Year: Thanks. I like to play around with just about all the canon and quasi-canon ships. I just watched the Season 3 trailer, and I'm trying to figure out who Zuko was kissing. I read someone saying it was Mai, but the eyes didn't look right. Whatever.

Justcallmewolfy: As mentioned above, rumors are that Zuko kisses Mai in the Season 3 trailer. I really need to watch it again. I guess we will all find out.

Aangs fangirl1214: Oh, I'm sure lots of people could identify with how I wrote Mai. Glad you liked it!

Sakae Kashiwagi: It's not every day someone thanks you for manipulating their emotions, so thanks!

Wishing Only Wounds the Heart: Well, your new name was kind of a giveaway. I finally saw Wicked, and I loved it!

libowiekitty: Really? I tend to forget about Meng. I doubt we'll be seeing her again in the series, since she's voiced by the same actress that does Toph.

Kimbalynn616: I just couldn't help putting an optimistic spin at the end. It seemed like a good way to end it.

Queen: I find myself suspecting that Mai's crush on Zuko and Ty Lee's crush on Sokka will prove to be a device giving them the motivation to leave Azula. I mean, neither of them seems to have any real loyalty, although Azula clearly intimidates Ty Lee.

Aqua Princess of Avalone: Don't worry. I plan to continue this for quite some time. I am sorry it took me several weeks for a new installment, though.