Four: Coming out of the closet

Carlisle gently moved Esme off of his leg and he stood up, walking towards me. His expression was soft and convivial. I stood as well, following suit, and met him halfway in the middle of the living room.

He took my hand in his like a father would do with a daughter, "Adeline, I can't tell you how happy I am to know you are so comfortable with us to have shared your story."

Over Carlisle's shoulder, I saw Esme approach us. She stood beside her husband and said to me, "The same goes for me as well, my dear." She took my other hand in hers and gazed into my eyes with a kindhearted stare. "Alice told us you haven't made a choice yet about what you are going to do… and I just want to let you know that whatever your choice may be, you are always welcome here. Please don't ever forget that you are far from alone in this world."

I pulled Esme into me and hugged her, "Thank you," I uttered into her hair. "Thank you."

Releasing her, I repeated to the other vampires: Edward, Bella, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie, "Thank you all so much."

Carlisle looked down at the intricate watch on his wrist, "Goodness," he blurted, "I'm going to be late." He looked up at me apologetically, "I'm sorry, Adeline. I wish I could stay and discuss more of this with you, but I've agreed to pick up a shift at the hospital tonight."

"You're a doctor?"

This is when I grasped that the day had been mainly about me. How could I let myself do all of the talking?

He smiled at me, not noticing my shame and disappointment in failing to learn more about my new friends, "Yes, at Forks General Hospital." He paused, placing his hands in his pockets, "You know… there's an opening for a unit clerk on the telemetry floor." He grinned and I saw what he was getting at. "Perhaps I can pick you up an application?"

I shook my head as politely as possible, "I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

He chuckled, but no doubt sensing the seriousness of my statement, "Alright then. Will I see you in the morning?"

"I believe so."

He took my hand in his again and gave it one good tug, "Until morning, then."

"Until morning," I agreed.

Carlisle was out of the room in a flash. Immediately, I heard a series of sounds: a garage door opening, an engine starting up, gravel crunching against the heavy weight of car tires, a garage door closing, and a car accelerating into traffic.

"It's eight o'clock already?" Bella wondered aloud, hopping from her perch on the grand piano.

Edward kept still in his seat, his eyes set on me while his wife fixed her hair with a few easy strokes and spoke, "I have to go make Charlie dinner. He's probably on his way home from the station. Edward, are you coming?"

"No, sweetheart," he responded, "I'm going to stay here."

"Okay," said Bella, "I'm taking Nessie and Jacob though. We won't be back too late."

After kissing Edward farewell, she glided over to me like an ice dancer in a spotlight, "Adeline, it's been a true pleasure. I hope to see you when I get back tonight. And thank you for telling us your story. I know it must have been difficult to relive every detail in your head." With a brief caress of my shoulder, she was off through the front entrance.

I didn't even get the chance to ask her who Charlie is.

Edward, again, replied to my concealed speculation, "Charlie is her father. He's human."

Without asking him more about the situation with Bella and her human father, I turned to Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice, who had each taken seats on the enormous sofa, "Does he do that a lot?"

"You mean violate your rights to have private thoughts?" Jasper specified with a smirk at Edward.

"Yes."

"Constantly," he declared.

Edward pointed animatedly at Jasper, "Don't act like you don't take advantage too, Jazz." He faced me then. "I cannot even begin to tell you how often he gives me mood swings. One minute, I'm somber, playing a quiet piece on my piano, and the next, I'm laughing like a maniac who just broke out of an asylum."

I pictured it to the best of my ability and laughed. Edward seemed like a very composed fellow and the image of him letting loose in a fit of cackles just tickled me in all the right places.

"That's classic," I said through labored gasps.

He looked a little sore. "We'll see if you still think so when he does it to you."

I halted my laughter and turned to the potential culprit, "Don't you dare," I told Jasper.

"What makes you think I didn't do it already?" he questioned me smugly.

"Well," Rosalie intervened, stretching her long and shapely legs while standing from her seat on the couch, "as thrilling as this conversation is, I've got to leave it and get some hunting done. It's been too long."

Her tall heels clicked on the polished wooden floor as she closed in on me. She placed her hands on her lovely hips once she felt the distance between us was acceptable, and she said, "I apologize for being rude before, but I'm sure you can understand my abrasiveness."

I didn't say anything. I just nodded, astonished by her contrition.

"Good." She reached her hand out to me, prompting me to take it in mine and give it a shake. "I also… I also…" she muttered the last five words, meshing them together and making them almost indistinct, "hope to see you later."

"You will."

Edward began lightly playing a piece that sounded like Bach, but I wasn't expert enough to be sure. Emmett stood up and joined Rosalie who was still standing in front of me.

He gave me a soft hit in the shoulder and said, "I better see you later. We've got plenty more to talk about."

"I think I'll join the two of you," Esme said after a second of pondering, "I haven't hunted at night in quite some time." She then smiled brightly at me. "We'll be back soon."

And with one of Emmett's charmingly childlike grins, the three vampires were off into the woods in search of sustenance. I tried to imagine Rosalie, in all of her painful beauty, attacking an animal larger than herself. The animal, whatever it was to be, wouldn't stand a chance.

I sauntered over to the chair that Carlisle and Esme were once sitting in and I sunk into its cushions, pulling my knees into me and wrapping my arms around my shins.

Alice asked me something that took me off guard as she played with Jasper's blonde curls, "Adeline, what do you miss most about being human?"

Natasha, I thought almost before the whole sentence passed through Alice's lips. I miss her so much.

"My family," I half-lied to her, hoping Edward wouldn't say anything. "I miss them ridiculously."

But nowhere near as much as I miss Natasha.

"Tell us about them," Jasper requested, toying with the loose fabric of Alice's dress.

The way they were touching each other, innocently but with so much love, pulled at my heart strings. I had that once.

Absentmindedly, I adhered to what Jasper asked of me, "My father, Sebastian, is a great man, a noble man, someone who has his morals in clear sight and never hesitates to follow them. My mother, Julia, loved me very much and never stopped showing it." I felt my throat constrict. When I was human, that was a sure sign that I was about to cry, but now… nothing ever came of it. I hadn't shed one tear since I woke up immortal. "My brother Conrad is… a total goof, but he has a big heart. He was always very protective of me."

Alice appeared somewhat confused, "How do you remember so much about them?"

"I had help."

I brought my hand to point to my duffle bag that was still across the room where I had left it. I focused on the object inside I wanted, and after just half a second, a large olive green photo album poked out through the fabric. It floated in a straight line toward Alice and she took it in her hands when it was just a foot in front of her.

Amazed by my power, she placed it on her lap and opened it up to the first page.

"Is this your family?" she asked, eyes set on the introductory picture.

"Yes, that's them."

Jasper looked down at it as well, and then laughed.

What he was laughing at was the greatest photograph I had of my mother, father, and brother, and also the funniest. It was from Halloween two years before I "died" and left them for good. My brother Conrad and my father were dressed as Jake and Elwood Blues. They had planned their outfits right down to the black plastic sunglasses and the names tattooed (written in ink from a ballpoint pen) on their knuckles. My mother had chosen to be the nun from the beginning of the movie. In the picture, which was taken in the candy aisle at a 7-11, my mom was swinging a yard stick at the two Blues brothers and they were making very dramatic faces. I had snapped the camera at the best possible moment.

"They look like such a fun group of people," Jasper said after having completed his examination of the photo.

Alice turned the page and the two looked at the new photo in front of them. I didn't have to see it to know which one it was. I had the whole album memorized in terms of order.

The second featured photograph was of just me and my brother. I was eighteen and he was twenty at the time it was captured. He and I were sitting on the curb at the side of some road in the middle of our neighborhood, smoking cigarettes. I felt kind of foolish letting my new friends see that picture of me because my hair was cut absurdly short and dyed neon pink and I had an obnoxious nose ring. Conrad, of course, looked as handsome as ever in his motorcycle jacket, white t-shirt, and dark-wash denim jeans. His nutmeg-colored hair was slicked back with the fervent aid of gel. He looked like a twenty-first century Kenickie. His arm hung loosely around my neck and we both scowled into the face of the camera, smoke drifting up toward the sky from our mouths.

"Your hair in this picture is the same color as my best dress!" Alice exclaimed giddily.

"That was an embarrassing phase," I said to her, "Conrad called me 'Bubblegum' for months."

Edward, who had walked over from the piano and stood behind the couch to lean over and see the pictures, snickered at my confession. "I think that shade suits you," he ragged.

"Thanks," I told him flatly.

Alice turned the page again and let out a soft 'aw' with not one hint of mockery in her tone. Jasper smiled warmly at the contents of the photograph, as did Edward. It was a picture of Conrad and me again, but in this one, we were at the beach and just a year younger. The sun had everything under its reign sparkling and shimmering like rare jewels. The sand was warm against our feet as we sank into it. And the breeze coming from the ocean brought delicious scents to our noses and fresh tastes to our tongues. Conrad was sitting on a lemon green lawn chair and I was standing at his side, bending over and giving him a kiss on the cheek. At the thought of it, I remembered the smacking sound my lips made against his skin and the way he swatted me away because the noise had hurt his ear. Just after the picture had been snapped, I poured a bucket of seawater on his head and he chased me down to the shore, tackling me into the wet sand. I remembered the way we laughed and laughed as we wrestled each other, behaving as if there was nothing wrong with the world, as if everything would be perfect forever.

Edward interrupted my nostalgia, "You and your brother were very close, weren't you?"

"We got along like French imported cigarettes and fine wine," I spoke, repeating something Conrad always used to say about the two of us. "He was my best friend."

"I'm so sorry," Jasper sympathized.

"Why?"

"You don't get to see him anymore."

"Yes, I do," I corrected, "I see him all the time."

"What?" Edward's voice bellowed slightly.

"He doesn't know it," I explained to Alice, Jasper, and Edward, "but I check up on him, and a few other people, pretty often. He's getting married in two months and I have every intention of crashing the reception."

Alice spoke as she flipped through the rest of the album's pages, eyes never tearing from the photos, "I think you'll be able to pull that off. You don't look anything like your human form."

"You don't plan to identify yourself, do you?" Edward interrogated.

I shook my head, "No. As far as my family is concerned, I'm dead."

"What else do you miss, Adeline?" Jasper pressed, and I could tell he was curious as to how much I could remember about my previous life.

Before I could answer, Edward rebuked his brother's demand, "You're going to make her upset."

Jasper looked at me tentatively but he seemed also somewhat impressed, "She's doing fine."

I didn't allow Edward to protect me again, as sweet of a gesture it was, "Sleep," I told them, "I miss the way my eyelids would get heavy at the end of the day. I miss the total satisfaction of curling up into a soft bed. I miss dreaming. And I miss waking up completely invigorated and ready for what was to come."

I tried to keep my memory of Natasha's face in the morning glow away, but I couldn't. There her face appeared, so clear in my mind as if she was right there in the room with me. The long chestnut wisps of her hair fell freely around her neck and shoulders. The fluidity of her teal-tinted eyes poured into me. Her delicate cheekbones and alabaster skin were emphasized in the milky sunlight. What I would have given to have one more day with her.

Alice and Jasper had finished skimming through the photo album, so they rested it on the sofa cushion beside them. Edward had regained his position on the piano bench, and he was staring at me wordlessly. I knew he had seen my recollection of Natasha and there was no doubt that he was going to ask me about it later.

To keep myself from thinking about the details, I listed all of my favorite movies in my head.

Die Hard, Con Air, Amelie, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, The Transporter, Fatal Attraction, Uncle Buck, Caddyshack, The Manchurian Candidate, Breakfast At Tiffany's, Pulp Fiction…

Edward's face contorted as he tried to understand why my thoughts took such a trivial turn.

"Alright," Jasper said as he stood from the couch, his hand in Alice's, "We're going hunting. Adeline, would you like to come with us?"

I kept my eyes on Edward, whose gaze never split from mine.

"No thanks, I think I'm just going to stay here and relax."

The Fifth Element, The Man Who Knew To Little, Bachelor Party, Apocalypse Now, From Russia With Love, American Beauty, Hudson Hawk, The Hunt for Red October, The Graduate…

"Okie doke," she sang, "see you later." She and Jasper then skipped through the front door.

Edward and I heard it shut and that was his cue to speak.

The Birdcage, From Dusk Till Dawn, The Virgin Suicides, El Dorado, Rambo, Face/Off, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Edward Scissor-

"What are you doing?" he asked me while vaguely playing with two keys at the end of the piano.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Into the Wild, Star Wars, Stranger Than Fiction, Cash Back, A Fish Called Wanda, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Alien, Erin Brockovich, Predator…

"Can you please stop?" He pinched at his temples with his fingers.

Fine, I thought for him as I got up and headed for the couch. I took a place on the far right cushion and leaned over to pat the left one.

Granting me my request, he left his grand piano and sat down on the sofa, adjusting his body so he was facing me.

You've obviously got a question for me, so go ahead and ask it already.

Edward hesitated for a minute, debating with himself.

I wanted to stop lying. I wanted to be entirely truthful with him, with him more than with any of the others. I don't know exactly why I felt that way. There was just something about Edward, something that radiated from his being. There was a much more prominent connection between us compared to what I had with the rest of his family, and I felt it swallow me whole as he maintained his concentrating eyes on mine. I was lost as to why I sensed this thick bond with him. Perhaps it was because he was the first vampire I had met. Perhaps it was because his concern for my comfort and welfare reminded me of Conrad. Perhaps it was because of something bigger, something deeper… perhaps it wasn't just a spontaneous crossing that brought us together. Perhaps the random incidence was just a masked form of fate.

"You feel it too," he spoke.

Feel what?

"The connection," he said, watching me with his amber eyes after having pulled the word from my very mind. "You feel this…" he moved his hand into my direction and then back into himself, "unseen rope fastening us together."

You mean that I'm not crazy? You feel it too?

"It's unlike anything I've ever come across," he acknowledged, "it's not like what I have with Bella or Renesmee or even with the others… it doesn't feel like romance or some kind of family tie. I don't know what it is." He chuckled throatily but it was still smooth and pleasing. "Maybe we've imprinted," he said, mostly to himself.

What?

In the short time we were in each other's company, I grew quite accustomed to not having to speak.

He shook his last statement away, "Nothing."

I wish I could read your mind.

"It was just a passing thought," he explained, "nothing that you need to regard."

I'll pry it out of you later.

"I'm sure you will." He snickered again, but then ceased, as if he had just remembered something, "Speaking of prying…"

Go ahead. Ask your question. It's not like I can hide anything from you anyway. It's not like I even want to.

Edward dove right into it, "Who is Natasha?"

I propped my arm up on the back support of the sofa and rested the side of my head in my palm.

Natasha was my girlfriend, my true love… my everything.

"Oh," is all he said.

I've offended you, haven't I? You must be sickened by me. I knew it wasn't a good idea to tell you. I don't know why I even bothered. I should have just kept listing those fucking movies; it could have worked. It could have spared us this awkwardness. It could have spared you from being so appalled by me. If you want me to leave, I'll leave.

I began to rise from my seat but his hand darted out and lightly grabbed my wrist. "No," he pleaded, "You don't have to go. Why would you ever think such a thing?"

I dropped back down into my seat. Because what I just told you, Edward, is that I am a lesbian.

"So?"

So? You aren't disgusted?

"Heavens, no," he nearly yelled. "Why would you assume that I was?"

It's not meant to be a reflection of what I think of you, Edward. It's just… I figured coming out to you would be the same as coming out to a human. And that's a fifty-fifty situation. A person can either react badly then push me away, or the person can accept it as well as accept me.

"And you," he observed, "being the pessimist that you are, always expect the worst."

Well… fuck yes. It's happened that way before.

"That's a terrible shame," Edward said, "but you have nothing to worry about here. I don't look at you any differently, Adeline. My immense respect for you has not changed." He patted his hand on my wrist. "We're vampires," he reminded me, "we are the outcasts to the world. We are a minority of our own, don't you think it would be rather hypocritical of me to discard you just because you happen to be… gay?"

If you're accepting me just to avoid being a hypocrite, we can stop this right here, right now.

"That's not the reason, Adeline," he assured me; "I was only trying to prove a point."

So you really have no problem with what I am?

"Not in the least. You are who you are, and you are entitled to love whomever you love."

Let's just hope the others share the same opinion.

"I highly doubt that they won't," Edward asserted, "They will view you the way they do now, each and every one of them. They will accept you and welcome you no matter what. You've nothing to be uneasy about, except…" his voiced trailed into silence, but then he broke into a miniature fit of laughter.

Except what!?

"Except Emmett," he forced out. His mirth finally reached its end, and then he spoke calmly again, "You may have some issues with Emmett when it comes to your sexuality."

Why?

"Emmett has been on this earth for a long time. He is wise and quite knowledgeable, but he is still very young in a lot of ways. And that's what we love about him, but that is also what might make things difficult for you." Edward tittered again, "He is going to tease you at every chance he gets. It will be all in good humor, I promise you, but he will be relentless in his games."

I can handle that.

"Then there isn't a problem after all. You worried for nothing."

I wouldn't say that. There was still a good chance that you were going to reject me.

"But I didn't. And I don't think I ever will."

The affection of his statement hit me like a ten ton eighteen-wheeler at full speed, but the impact was absolutely glorious. The unbelievable coldness of my whole body had retreated and it was replaced with stunning warmth that enveloped every inch of me.

Edward continued, heating my consuming cloud even more, "There's something here, Adeline, and we've established that we both know it. We can't deny it from taking its course."

I guess that means I'm staying in town.

"I hope it does."

I need a cigarette.

After standing up from the couch and walking over to my duffle bag, I rifled through it and found my Parliaments and small book of matches. Without turning around to look back at Edward − who I knew was still on the sofa − I headed for the front door.

Well, are you coming or not?

Before I even completed the thought, Edward was standing at the entrance, holding the door open for me like the gentleman that he was. I gave him a wink as I stepped through the frame and into the night.

The outside light was on, so when he and I took adjacent seats at the top of the porch steps and beneath the weak spotlight, I saw that his skin feigned a similar yellow shine. I loved the way it looked against his gray t-shirt.

The stack of stairs to the front entrance of the Cullen household was narrow, so Edward and I were elbow-to-elbow and knee-to-knee.

"I just remembered that you never answered one of my questions out in the woods," he said, grinning at me with his perfectly asymmetrical smile.

Striking a match and lighting the cigarette that I had stuck between my lips, I thought, Which was…?

"Why do you smoke?

I watched as the gray streamers of smoke twirled in the wind-free air. It's the only habit from my human life that actually stuck with me. I feel reluctant to let it go. Besides, it helps distract me from the bloodlust.

"The taste doesn't bother you?"

No. In fact, it tastes a lot better than it used to.

"Really?"

Turning to face Edward, I wondered, Have you ever had a cigarette as a vampire before?

"No."

In a fucking century… you haven't smoked one?

He laughed and repeated, "No."

Well, I guess today is a day of firsts.

I stole one more puff and then exhaled, handing him the half-spent cigarette.

He took it between the long fingers on his right hand, and without a word of protest, he brought the filter up to his gentle mouth, and inhaled. There was something innate about the action. The cigarette seemed to fit impeccably against Edward's silhouette. The way the pale ribbons fluttered so eagerly from his lips and up toward the sky was very poetic, and his blasé manner as he puffed away at my cigarette added to his blatant handsomeness, if that was even possible.

He eyed the burning tip after his third intake and nonchalantly asked, "So you think I'm handsome, hmm?"

That's going to get really annoying really fast, Edward.

"Sorry."

How's the cigarette?

He inhaled one more time, and as he handed me the dwindling remains, he released the poisonous cloud into the air between us while saying, "I don't hate it."

I then sucked on the filter and was able to somewhat taste the venom from Edward's lips that had coated onto it. It was sweet like the juice from a honeydew melon. I relished in the intimacy of that small element. Allowing the smoke to paint my insides black, I thought for him: Natasha and I used to share cigarettes like you and I are doing now.

I handed it to him again and he took a long draw, layering his words in gray: "Tell me about her."

No.

"Is it too private?"

No. I'm just not going tell you anything until you reciprocate. This whole day has been about me, and frankly, I'm fed up with it. If you want to know more about my life, you have to let me know more about yours.

He chuckled then, crushing the tired cigarette against the cement at his feet, "What do you want to know?"

Everything, I told, but let's start with, um… how you met Bella.

"That's a very long story," Edward said through a sigh.

We're not exactly strapped for time, are we?

"No, I suppose we aren't."

Then what are you waiting for?

Silently, he grabbed the pack of Parliaments and matchbook from my hands and then removed a sliver of white from the small cardboard box. He struck a tiny flame into the cave he formed with his palms, and I loved the sound it made as the flimsy stick of wood burned, echoing into the woods before us. He brought the cigarette to life and took one more second than necessary to fill his lungs with the dark fog.

"I think I've grown rather fond of these," he admitted, holding the cigarette out in front of his face.

Don't change the subject.

"I wasn't trying to…" He paused for another drag and then began his tale. "Bella and I met close to six years ago… while she was human. I was enrolled in Forks High School, playing the part of the typical teenager for the sake of appearances, as the others were. Bella had just moved from Arizona and, without even knowing it at first, she overturned everything I came to know as my life.

"She had the most enticing scent I have ever encountered. It took all of my learned self-control to not snap her neck and devour every drop of perfectly-aged blood that pumped through her body. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to taste her. I wanted to make her be just another meal, but the best meal… the best taste… the best kill. Never have I been tempted so much to throw my beliefs or my way of life out the window. But I couldn't let myself. I couldn't give in to the monster within me. So I ran.

"But I kept coming back to Bella. I was so drawn to her, and not just because her scent appealed to me as strongly as it did. She was my little riddle, because even as a human, I couldn't hear her thoughts. It plagued me so. It tortured me. I couldn't figure out just why her mind was the only one off limits to my power. And in the process of trying to uncover that mystery, I became fixated. She was the only one I thought about… every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Isabella Swan turned to be my entire world.

"Eventually, we became… involved. With my help, she figured out what I was, and oddly enough, it didn't scare her away. She didn't care. She loved me, all of me. Our relationship grew to epic proportions. I had found my true love, Adeline, in the form I least expected… in the form of a human, in the form of my prey. And even though I was terrified of her getting hurt while mixing in with all of this, I was happy. I was undeniably and irrevocably happy. I was a lion who had fallen hopelessly in love with a lamb."

Edward finished the cigarette and flicked it into a wet patch of grass.

"We faced many obstacles, obstacles that I can't even begin to list to you, but in the end, which became our new beginning, our love prevailed. We married two and a half years ago, while she was still human. She got pregnant as a human and gave birth to Renesmee as a human. To keep Bella from dying, I turned her. I injected my venom into her heart and she transformed into a vampire. After what felt like an eternity, I was given everything that I had ever wanted and so much more: a wife that I love with every cell of my body and a wonderful daughter I treasure unconditionally. We have been unbelievably blissful ever since."

Before my mind could generate thoughts for Edward to interpret, I leaned forward and wrapped him in my arms. Adherently, he rested his forehead in the dip between my neck and my left shoulder. I cupped my palm around the back of his head and, using my voice for the first time in a very long time, I whispered into his ear, "I am so happy to have found you, Edward Cullen."

Holding him in my arms felt incredibly natural to me. It was as if my embrace had been sculpted especially for my new friend and its purpose was finally being fulfilled.

Edward entwined his fingers together behind my back and spoke, "So am I."

Without pulling away from him, I thought, I can't imagine what it must have been like for you, going against your better judgment and your instincts so that you could be with the one you love. Was it unbearable to hold yourself back?

"Painfully," he replied, "but I had to do it to ensure her safety. And, much to my surprise, I did."

I let go of him then, but maintained my hands on his shoulders: I wish I was like you. I wish I was strong enough to at least try. I haven't even seen Natasha since I changed.

We parted fully then and he leaned back against the porch railing while responding, "I thought you said that you check up on your loved ones regularly."

I do. I visit my parents and my brother and my old co-workers… but not Natasha.

"Why?"

I know that if I do see her, I won't be able to stop myself from crossing the line. I know that I'll pull her into my arms and explain everything to her. But that would be a very selfish thing to do. Considering her wellbeing and her comfortable perception of the world, Edward, I believe she's better off thinking that I'm dead.

"You were wrong before, Adeline," he told me. "You're stronger than you think you are, and putting Natasha before yourself proves it."

Thank you.

He lit another cigarette and whistled as he exhaled. "Can you tell me about her now?"

I suppose.

Noting how the smoke garlands sinuously danced into the air from the tip of Edward's cigarette, I began to recount the details of my past love…

8