Ch 18
___________________________________The Eve of the Christmas Eve_________________________________
"Christmas? I 'ave no idea. I'm pretty sure Kanda won' be celebrating." Lavi pulled his hat lower, shielding his eye from the sharp, white rays of the winter sun. He looked up trying to obscure the source of the cutting light with a hand, but his palm was definitely narrower than the sun itself. Allen blinked a few times, trying to get a few sharp snowflakes out of his eyes.
"Doesn't celebrate Christmas? Why?" Lavi glanced down and smiled with a devilish grin.
"Why doncha ask him yourself? I mean, ya're pretty close, right?" Allen squeezed out a weak chuckle. He scratched his nose and then paused, catching Lavi's gaze.
"What?" Lavi raised one brow.
"Ya're not close?" The kid stopped violating his nose. He hid his hand into the pocket.
"Well, I respect Kanda and certainly am grateful for what he did, but close…" He chuckled again in a very un-childlike way. He paced through the immaculate ground, leaving a black trail behind him, just like a slug.
"I cannot talk to Kanda as I do with you, Lavi-san," he finally responded the unanswered question. Lavi's face became attentive, more than curious. It seemed that he was trying to read between the lines, the undertones of the voice, the position of the boy's figure, even guessing his mind. It seemed so, but maybe it wasn't necessarily so.
"Why do ya say that? Yuu is a reasonable dude; he's more mature than I'll ever be, not to mention he is way cooler than me." Allen shook his head, kicking a frozen lump of snow.
"I didn't mean it like this." He stopped brusquely, turning his face toward Lavi. The man stopped involuntarily, waiting for an outburst of cry, or maybe a muffled confession.
"Lavi-san, let's make snow angels!" Yeah, right. Confession. He squeezed his eye, trying to get in the mood of preaching. As if!
The kid ran ahead then jumped into the snow, letting out a shrilly sound, like a screech of the train when it suddenly stops. He was dangling and jerking and swimming and drowning and laughing in the snow until he exhausted all the power out of his small frame. Then he sighed and propped his head with one hand, smiling with a red, red mouth, red because of the snow and the frost. And his cheeks were red, too red to be called red; they were radiating color, like a red Chinese lamp. He laughed loudly, spilling happiness and saliva, and Lavi could only stare at this raw emotion. The kid caught his gaze and arrested it for a long time, staring in the green iris.
Lavi felt a choking sound coming out of his throat, as if his mouth had been pregnant and was now ready to deliver. He suddenly nosedived in the pile of snow giving birth to a hoarse cry, a cry that would make every self respected Indian chief whiten with envy. The kid yelled back, leaping into another untouched pile, snuggling into it like a mole. Lavi followed, biting the pallid precipitation as if he wanted to punish it for its motionless laziness.
If they had looked up, they would've seen the sky, motionless and apathetic. They would've seen the whiteness of the impotent clouds, hanging there like stupid, tasteless decorations, just for the sake of it. They would've seen the bored wind with bad and wet breath that was snooping around, looking for some kind of company. They would've seen it all, but they haven't.
They saw only a whirl of red fire that was getting wetter by the moment, and the shrilly green of the fallen headband, and the soft blue of a small hat with a white pompon. They saw the violent and uncensored happiness in each other's face, and the raw and almost rude felicity in each other's soul. They were who they were; no masks, no dogmas, not even a constitution restricted their spirits. They yelled, and cried out, and screamed, and violated the stupid silence that gaped at them.
Then they fell into a strange lethargy, too happy and too overwhelmed to speak, or think, or exist. They felt big, too big for this tiny planet, too holistic and universal. They couldn't even think of a word that defined their emotion. They were the world. They were the…
"I wish Kanda-san were here…" Allen murmured, letting out a content sight. He waived his arms through the snow, creating a shape of a molting angel. Then he curved his lips, silently staring at the sky.
It was getting too dark to see. Lavi got up and shook his hair getting it out of his eyes. He reached for the kid, trying to lift him by the armpits. Allen giggled and stood up, shaking the numbness off of his butt. It was time to go.
"Why can'cha talk to Yuu, Allen-chan? I mean, he's pretty sharp when it comes to issues of some sort!" Lavi pushed the boy between the shoulder blades, urging him to walk faster. It was getting dark so fast he couldn't believe it was only four o'clock.
"No, it's not that either," the boy murmured, stopping for good. "It's just…you know…" He stopped himself from saying more and carefully coughed in his mitten. "I just feel so…It's like I can't have problems." Lavi blinked.
"Ya mean because he took ya in, or something?" The boy shook his head negating the suggestion.
"Kanda seems to be…powerful and perfect. Coming to him with my problems…" he laughed weakly, "…it's like whining to God that you cannot tie your shoes." Lavi snorted.
"Kanda—God?!" He burst out laughing, ignoring the cold that nested in his boots. The snow that got under their clothes was sticky and melting.
"Don't laugh!" Allen shot him a reproachful glance. "It's not funny! Not funny, at all…" He curtly paced, hurting the snow.
______
'Yuu-chan, we're home!!!!" The house didn't respond. Either it was deaf or just pretended to be, remaining silent and reserved. Lavi jumped out of his boots, almost killing Allen in process. The boy turned on the light. It illuminated the dark entrance that slightly resembled a huge coffin.
The boy shivered. He was soaked down to his underwear. Lavi too. The man was grinning like a fool, tugging Allen's hair. His red locks were wet, sticking to his face and making him look ten years younger. How old Lavi was in reality Allen didn't know. He just pushed the annoying hug away, pouting. He was cold. He wanted hot milk with honey. And he wanted to tell Kanda he was home. The man made another attempt of fondling his hair, yet it was terminated by a hit in his calves.
"Ya 'ave no idea how cute you are right now, little buddy!" And he laughed, pinching Allen's cheek.
"Brat, go upstairs. You're wet like a rat. And don't you dare come down until you took a shower." The wet pair turned startled toward the living room, the only place that was still not lit. Kanda was leaning on the door, arms crossed. His face was calm and emotionless. Lavi chortled laughter and then, feeling a strange sentiment of guilt, he looked down, hiding his hands behind his back. Allen stared, moving his eyes from Lavi to Kanda and back not quite catching up with the atmosphere. It looked like someth—
"Brat, I told you to go upstairs. Don't make me repeat myself." His voice was creepy now. It sounded different, different in a bad way. The boy made a step forward, unsure of whether he should obey the order or just…just what?
"Go, Allen-chan," Lavi whispered, giving him a slight nudge with the knuckles. "I'll handle things 'ere, Ok?" And he smiled arching his brows as though he was just kicked in the balls. The boy hesitantly nodded and dashed to the stairway.
With a corner of his left eye he could see Kanda finally stop leaning on the door as he moved toward Lavi, and then Allen couldn't see because the bathroom was behind the corner. He stopped, deciding whether he could just go into the bathroom as Kanda told him to, or listen to the (apparently and indubitably) interesting conversation.
Ok. Ok. He had to do this right. He crouched between the stairs, gluing his back to the wall. Breathe through the mouth, through the mouth! He had to remember that. He knew how noisy can people get breathing through the nose. Ah, it started. He pulled the huge bath towel about himself. He was wet anyway, so even if Kanda caught him, he could always say that he'd already taken the shower and was going downstairs. With his back glued to the wall. Well, that did sound absurd. Why wou—
"…told you not to touch the boy." Allen kicked the plan out of his gray matter. What mattered more was the matter at hand. What was the matter with Kanda?
"But Yuu-cha-OW! I swear! I wasn't gonna leave'im there—" Kanda's voice grew lower; it intensified in tone thickening like blood in old veins.
"And you expect me to believe that, imbecile? Why does everyone keep messing with what's mine?!" Imbecile? What did that mean? Ah, his vocabulary was poo—
"Yuu, stop it! You're bein' immature!" Lavi's voice sounded annoyed and scared at the same time. Allen extended his ear a far as he could. He even imagined his own ear in the form of a small radar, able to pick up people's voices and thoughts—
"One more word and you'll dig yourself a grave!" Now Lavi had to respond, and he would probably answer with a witty reply like—
"Kanda, what's gotten into you? Since you took that kid in you've changed! Just one freakin' kid could change you that much?!" Allen blinked. Lavi was speaking differently. His pronunciation didn't lack anything. He sounded smart. That was not what he thought he'd hear.
"You're getting soft, Yuu! Have you forgotten what they did to you?! What they did to me?!" His voice was strident, like red on black. It rose with a strange, forbidden power, a power he never used against Kanda, against anyone.
"And you want to throw everything away for the sake of a kid?! A fucking kid ?!" Allen forgot to breathe through the mouth. To be more precise he couldn't. He was sick to his stomach.
"Yuu, wake up! You're throwing away everything you have lived for, everything ya worked for!" His voice was shaken by emotion. Allen could hear it break, and for some reason he was glad it did. Maybe it won't sound so sharp—
"You can't, Yuu! It's inSANE!" He yelled the last syllable. Allen cringed. Why wasn't Kanda replyin—
"Shut UP! I told you. I won't. Not anymore. I don't care about—"
"A DEAD DUDE? Is that what you want to say?! Are you crazy? That guy was your father! Fa-ther! Your freaking old man! You don't care about that?!"
Allen felt the acidic paste come into his mouth. He let the towel fall, his hands busy to cover his mouth. He could hear static electricity in his head. And teeth gritting. Kanda's teeth.
"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You know nothing! You know nothing!!!" Allen swallowed the already masticated food, forcing it back in his stomach. He couldn't let it spill on the carpeted stairs, and he was too paralyzed to go to the bathroom.
"Tiedoll died. Yeah, he did! And you want to know why? Because he had a kid!!! A fucking kid, as you put it! He had me! That's why he died! Because of me!!" His voice was hoarse, aggressive and thick. Sometimes his tone would become especially poisonous, almost dripping venom. It was painful to hear him. Lavi wasn't responding. Maybe he was getting it; maybe he gave up on—
"That's different. Don't you screw with my head. Tiedoll was serious about you. He adopted you! Plus, you're not supposed to make relationships, just fake them." He paused, a pause that seemed to be the size of the cosmos. Then he shot out the words, deadly, heavily, and accurately, like a machine gun.
" We're different. We're not supposed to make bonds. You hear me? You can't make BONDS! You can toy with the kid, all you want to, I don' care. That's OK. But taking that seriously? Wake up, man!" He shut up, and Allen imagined him shaking his head. Then his voice grew again.
"We prepared for almost ten years. What made you change your mind?! Two months with a kid? In two months you forgot the plan you lived for ten years?! Who are you kidding?!" Kanda suddenly cut in.
"I don't care. If you're that ready to die, then go ahead! I have something to live for."
Allen felt his fine leg hair rising up, as though it had a brain on its own. He pulled the towel higher to hide his face, even though there was no one who knew he was here. He felt a well known metallic taste in his mouth. Ah, the insides of his cheeks—
"What the hell are you doing here, damn brat?!"
Kanda was at the bottom of the stairs where the boy was hiding. He towered above him, his face pallid and eyes black. Allen stumbled back, the head touching the wall. He swallowed the saliva tainted with metal.
"I…I've already… sho—" Kanda brusquely bent forward, making the boy fall on the raising stairs. His eyes were dry and black, like two petroleum stains. Allen couldn't even see their whites.
"Liar. You smell like a wet chicken." He grabbed him by the towel, lifting him up on his shoulder. Allen let himself be taken up, partly from shock and partly because he saw Lavi staring at him with hollow, cold eyes. The man was standing, fists curled, his eye patch missing. But those are just details. What struck Allen most were his eyes. One flat, hollow under the eyelid. The other one, hatefully narrowed, was looking at him with a strange emotion. He had never seen it before. Not in Lavi's eyes.
The stairs turned left, taking that face out of his mind. Allen could feel another face touching his. Black, pine smelling hair filled his nostrils and eyes, softly lulling him to calm down. Kanda's arms were big, especially the palms. They clasped him around tightly, as if the man was afraid of dropping him. And his cheek was warm, smelling of that shaving gel he had bought last week. Allen clasped his legs around the man's waist. Kanda shifted, propping the boy's head on his other shoulder. Allen could hear the pulse in his neck, heavy, slow, and calculated.
"Kanda-san?" For a moment he could hear a ticklish gurgling in the man's throat, and then the sound came:
"Mmmm?" Allen rubbed his face in the curve of the man's neck.
"I'm sorry. Going to the woods was my idea. La—"
"Tch, as if I didn't know that. Such demented ideas come only into your head." The boy felt the man chuckle and move his hand on the top of his white locks. He patted him slightly, making him close his eyes and succumb to the touch.
"And I bet you don't know there are wolfs in this forest?" The boy tensed.
"Really? I only saw a squirrel." The man opened the bathroom.
"That's because you were not alone." The boy tensed again. He remembered Lavi's words about how and why he didn't trust Kanda with his problems. His reasons seemed stupid after all that happened. Maybe he could tell Kanda. Well, he would, if that man would have been more…ordinary.
"Kanda-san, is there something you are afraid of? Like spiders or snakes or…I don't know…maggots?" The man sighed.
"I'll put you down now. Get in the tub. I'll be back later. Just yell if you need something." He put the boy on the floor, noticing for the first time that the he has barely grown past his abdomen. He was short as in extremely short. Tch. He looked like an eight year old right now.
"Kanda san, what are you afraid most of?" The man sighed. Why was that important?
"I hate dogs and naïve idiots." He shuddered faking disgust and left the boy staring at the toilet bowl. Dogs. And naïve idiots. That's him.
The silence was heavy with vapor and soap. It grew even heavier when he suddenly sensed the smell of his own body, dirty, wet, and repugnant. He threw the towel on the floor using more energy than was required. Fucking kid. He bit his lip. He hadn't heard this word in a long time. Kanda never used it. He damned and tcheed everything, but he never—
Did Lavi mean it?
If he did, then he was lying about everythin— Wait. A strange cold feeling chocked him. Lavi never promised anything, he never said he was his friend. Therefore, he didn't lie. He only listened, smiling and providing solutions. Then…what was Lavi to him?
Allen put his watch on the sink.
It said: December 23.
______
Kanda opened the suitcases. Where the hell did he put the underwear?! He already searched the small one. There was everything besides underwear. He even found a Bible. How did that get in there?! Annoyed, he threw the suitcase's contents on the floor, hoping that it would somehow help him find—Ah, there it was.
"Brat, here are your clo—" He stopped and twitched. The brat was not in the tub yet. And he told him to be there. And the brat wasn't.
"What the hell are you doing? The water's getting cold, dolt!" He smacked him lightly and only then noticed his small bony back, abnormally white as if the UV rays never left their mark there. Allen was hugging his knees burying his face into them.
"What's wrong?" Kanda reluctantly touched his neck. The boy shuddered.
"Nuffing." Tch. He was doing it again.
Kanda always hated obvious lies. He remembered one time when Allen came from school with his knees bleeding. He said he fell on the stairs. That damn kid always fell on the stairs. It was almost like a conditional response to every Kanda's "what happened?" type of question. "I fell on the stairs," he would say with a small voice, eyes sideways. He wasn't good at lying, or at least the brat couldn't lie to him. And he lied every time he came from school with a bruise or scratch. It was annoying. The brat kept saying that he liked school; he loved it, he adored everything about it, except the stairs. Damn stairs.
"Look, kid. I have no time or desire to try to be considerate, gentle or some other dumb shit people do when they listen to someone's sob story. Tell me everything without any stupid stairs present or other silly excuses. If you don't, I'll drown your sorry ass." Allen laughed weakly, as if he was obliged to.
"Really, Kanda-san, drown me? You should be sued for child abuse." He got up, still proudly presenting his back to Kanda.
"I'm OK. Everything is. Nothing's wron—"
"Brat, don't screw with me." Allen slowly turned to him, grabbing a towel to cover himself. The man clasped him by that skinny arm, painfully pulling it up. Allen suddenly realized that Kanda bent to meet his eyes. Scary. He could faintly discern the pupil from the iris. And he thought his eyes were blue!
"It seems that you are dumb enough to hide something from me. Don't flatter yourself, brat. You are too unskilled to deceive me, not to mention downright talentless in acting."
"I am not deceiving you! Why would I do that? Let me go, Kanda san! It's embarrassing!" He started to jerk free as hard as he could, then jolted when his arm bent unnaturally. Kanda raised his brows. The brat was squinting and biting his lower lip.
"God, you are so weak it's depressing." He let him go, and Allen fell on the floor with a heavy thump. His teeth clanked and he felt a bitter taste in the mouth.
"SO WHAT!!" Kanda looked down with a faint interest. The kid pulled the towel tighter around his waist.
"So what. I know that already," he murmured, throwing a glance at the toilet bowl, very aware that the thing will accept any crap he'll present it with. Unlike Kanda.
"You said I'm hiding something." He stopped and stared at Kanda with a troubled gaze. More like Gosh!-I-crapped-my-pants glare, or so Kanda classified it.
"I do have problems, but I can't talk to you about them. This is my own mess; I'll handle it by myself." He stubbornly nodded to emphasize the words. Hn, the brat sounded sure.
"And why is that?"
"W-why? But of course it's because…ugh..you know…ermm…this is my own mess," he started poking his fingers.
"You're repeating yourself, brat." He sighed and lifted the boy by the shoulder, throwing him face first into the huge tub. He could see his whitish-blue skinny legs jerking, trying to regain the dignity of the figure.
"…anda san! Sto—ghlghl—stop! I can't breathe underwater!" Kanda let him go, grabbing a sponge. He boy glared at him with hateful, raging eyes. He was furious. Hn, how amusing.
"Are you trying to KILL me?!" Kanda snorted and pressed the soaped sponge to the brat's face, rubbing it fiercely.
"Even if you die, it won't be a huge loss. Just another naïve idio…" His movement halted. What the hell was he saying?! He could feel the boy limp and quiet under the sponge.
"Tch. I was just kidding, damn brat." Allen gently pushed his hand away, getting up.
"Kanda san, I can wash myself. Plus, you're getting wet. I appreciate the gesture but, please…" he murmured, extending his hand for the sponge. Kanda looked at the expectant palm. It was so small and sharp, like a girl's. Even the fingernails were getting pink from the hot water. Small and fragile.
"Kid, sit down and stop squirming. Just be grateful that I –" The boy interrupted hastily, as if he were afraid of the coming words.
"Kanda-san, I am grateful. I am grateful for everything you did for me. I just don't want to bring you trouble." Kanda coldly eyed him.
"If I hadn't considered that you will be a pain in the ass I wouldn't have had taken you in." He pushed him into the warm water feeling the bones of the shoulders under his touch. Damn skeleton.
"Kanda san. I have…problems." Kanda chuckled.
"Sure you do, idiot." He was shampooing his hair now. Allen nodded.
" I got my report card back. My grades are awful." Kanda continued massaging his scalp, occasionally touching his face to wipe the lather.
"I know that." Allen tensed and shot his face up.
"You do?!"
"Idiot, don't move so sudd—'
"OWW!!!" Kanda jerked to grab something, a rag, a towel, some kind of cloth. Too late. The kid grabbed him by the shirt, wiping his eyes with it. Kanda spat out a mouthful of lather.
"What the hell are you doing?! The towel is right here—" Allen tensed.
"You knew," he murmured. He suddenly glanced at the man, his spirit alleviated. "How did you know?" Kanda reached for the handle with H on it.
"Because it's logical. I won't be surprised if you failed every class you are in. You came to school a month ago. It's impossible to get good grades with your knowledge."
"Well, yeah," Allen propped his chin on his knees, "I'm stupid." Kanda scoffed.
"If you think like this you sure are stupid." He rinsed the brat then held out a towel, wrapping it around the boy.
"I bet grades are not the only thing you have problems with." Kanda pointed at the brat's skinny calf. "How did you get this bruise?" Allen glanced sideways.
"I fell on the stairs." Kanda blinked. Then he lifted the brat up, feeling the smell of the shampoo and water on his shoulder, where Allen's head was.
"You are hopeless." Allen smiled.
"It doesn't matter, Kanda san. It's just a bruise. It's not like I'm going to die from it." Kanda looked at the brat's back.
"You know, your attitude toward physical pain is not normal. Usually people are afraid of getting hurt." Allen hid his face in Kanda's shoulder.
"I know."
The whole trip from the bathroom to the stairs and then into Allen's room was silent and cold. Lavi's room was on the third floor, so they didn't meet him. Instead they met the gaze of the moon. It was huge and pale, like after a long illness. Putting on his pajamas, Allen glanced at the man that was staring at his desk. He blushed in embarrassment. Ten or twelve yellow books with "dummy" written on them.
"Dummy, huh?" Kanda chuckled. "You sure are stupid, brat." Allen bit his lip.
"Well, excuse me for wanting to improve." He humph-ed and made himself a nest from the coverts and pillows. It became a habit of his, to curl like a snail in the bed like this. He snuggled inside, covering himself with the fluffy cover. Kanda sighed and sat on the bed.
"Brat, feel free to talk to me about every single stupid thing that comes into that bean-brain of yours. I'll listen. It's not like it'll poison me." He patted the kid's head, making Allen feel giddy inside. He'll listen. "It'll not poison me, but I'm sure it's send me into some kind of light coma."
"Kanda-san!" The man glanced down. He met the kid's gaze, large and gray. The brat pouted and changed the subject.
"Do you celebrate Christmas? It's the Christmas Eve tomorrow." Kanda raised a brow.
"I'm not a Christian."
"Huh?!" Kanda got up, staring at the window. Allen sat on the bed, staring at the man as if that just told him he was Satan himself.
"What do you mean you're not Christian?!" Kanda scoffed, irritated. How can people be so damn annoying?
"I practice Shinto, kid."
"But that doesn't mean you can't celebrate Christmas!" Allen was waving his arms in enthusiasm. "It's a beautiful holiday!!" Kanda opened one eye, lazily staring at the bubbling boy.
"It's a stupid holiday. People cut a tree and dance around it like a bunch of barbarians. That is so messed up. Plus, some burglar with no sense of fashion and in bad shape crawls into the house through the chimney. What, can't he use the door?! It's usually open." Allen scowled.
"Kanda san! Santa Clause is not a burglar! He is supposed to get in through the chimney! It's tradition!" Kanda tiredly sighed.
"Yeah, yeah. I got it. Just go to sleep, kid. And don't wet you bed—"
"Kanda san!!" Kanda chuckled. The kid was amusing when angry.
"Ok, Ok, just go to sleep." He ruffled his hair, making the boy cringe. He felt his soft locks under the palm and suddenly realized that the locks were much longer now.
"Kanda san, what did Lavi mean when he said that it's not ok for you to have bonds?" Kanda stiffed. This was sudden.
"Don't let it bother you. It doesn't mean anything. Lavi's just jealous." The kid looked up, scowling.
"He sounded hurt, Kanda san. And this somehow is tied with me being here. How can it NOT bother me?" Kanda didn't respond. He looked at the boy with dark eyes. Allen stared back, sad.
"Don't you care about your friend?" His voice was faint, almost inaudible. He was crushing his own fingers.
"That's not your business, brat. This is between Lavi and me." Allen nodded, defeated. He didn't want to continue the dialogue. He was too tired to think. Yet the words came out and he was not totally aware of the action.
"Kanda-san, you know Lavi better and longer than me. Wouldn't it be more logical to care more about him?"
"No, it's not logical. I trust who I want to trust." He tucked the blanket around the boy. Allen just stared at the man who towered above him, dark and strangely dear.
"Good night, Kanda-san." The man nodded curtly then flicked the boy's nose.
"Get some sleep tonight, brat. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I expect you to choose a nice fir tree." The boy almost jumped up.
"You said you don't celebrate Christmas!!!!" Kanda turned the night light off.
"I lied," he said.
Oh well. Now he'll need to find some fat, red burglar.
_____________________
My favourite phrase:"Hn, that brat was amusing."
Please,PLEASE forgive me for making Lavi so..so..bookman-ish. He has two sides after all.
And I have a question: While reading this story could you tell me in what country or city they live? I need that for the next chapters.