Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar or the song "If I Can't Love Her" from Beauty & the Beast, lyrics by Tim Rice.

Author's Note: This one's a little weird and has some slight Zutara undertones, but I tried to keep them mostly to the lyrics themselves. It's an idea I came up with some time ago with while listening to my Beauty & the Beast CD. It's Zuko's thoughts after spending time alone with Katara in Crossroads of Destiny.

If I Can't Love Her

And in my twisted face,
There's not the slightest trace
Of anything that even hints at kindness.
And from my tortured shape,
No comfort, no escape,
I see, but deep within is utter blindness.

Zuko looked at his face in the mirror. It was something he generally avoided, so he could sometimes forget what he looked like. In his mind, he could still be the unmarred 13-year-old who had once spoken out of turn.

Now, though, he wanted to see himself as he truly was. It seemed very important all of a sudden to know how others saw him. Especially how she had seen him.

"Face of the enemy," the waterbender had called him, while they were trapped together. Although she had tried to say it had nothing to do with his scar, Zuko could see the way it took over his image. When you added his appearance and prior behavior to the way his countrymen had torn her family apart, it was truly amazing that she'd softened towards him at all. It would certainly never happen again.

Hopeless! As my dream dies…
As the time flies,
Love a lost illusion.
Helpless, unforgiven.
Cold and driven
To this sad conclusion:

Zuko recalled Katara's offer to heal him, knowing that it would not be repeated. Still, maybe it was not externally but internally that he needed to let go of this mark. In a way, it defined him, and when you got right down to it, what Zuko was trying to do at this moment was define himself. His uncle thought he was one person, and his sister thought he was another, but neither of those opinions could give him his true answer.

For some reason, his thoughts kept straying to the girl…Katara. Her name was Katara. She had appeared to glimpse different sides of him, seeing him as not wholly one thing or another but a compilation. Maybe she had it right, and he would have liked to explore that further.

It was too late, though. Hadn't he just proved himself to be the terrible person she'd originally accused him of being? He wouldn't get a second chance with her after what he'd done.

No beauty could move me,
No goodness improve me,
No power on earth,
If I can't love her.

Zuko turned away from his image, not liking what he saw. He sat down on a bed that seemed too soft for comfort after months of hardship. He had changed, but into what was not yet clear. His uncle had told him he'd had a spiritual transformation, but he couldn't see what it had accomplished.

Faced with Katara's compassion, the selflessness of the Avatar, and the pleadings of Uncle Iroh, Zuko had turned his back on all of them. He had chosen instead to try completing the task his father had originally set him. He supposed that he was interested to find out what his father thought of him. At some level, Zuko knew that he would ultimately be the one to decide his identity, but that was a responsibility he wasn't ready to face. He was too used to being defined by others.

Although his choice was made and could not now be unmade, Zuko had many doubts. Azula didn't understand, but Zuko was beginning to worry that Katara's original assessment had been correct. No amount of goodness could make him into a better person.

No passion could reach me,
No lesson could teach me
How I could have loved her
And made her love me, too.
If I can't love her, then who?

What was worse, Zuko didn't even know whether he'd truly accomplished anything. Despite what Azula said, he had not managed to capture the Avatar. Certainly, it had looked like he was dead, but the Avatar had escaped death before over incredible odds. Zuko felt, somewhere deep inside of him, that this was not over. This instinct had led him to the Avatar before, and he knew better than to dismiss it.

Furthermore, Zuko was haunted by the knowledge of the spirit water Katara had shown him. Since she'd been prevented from using it on Zuko, it was possible that she had used it to save the Avatar's life. Without the body as proof, the prince couldn't count on being accepted back home.

So it was entirely possible that he'd thrown kindness back into the faces of those who'd offered it and gained nothing. The knowledge made him feel lower than ever. He honestly didn't know whether he wished the Avatar dead or not. Both options were uncomfortable, for different reasons.

Long ago I should have seen
All the things I could have been.
Careless and unthinking,
I moved onward.

The worst betrayal by far was against his uncle, and it was this Zuko pondered the most. Iroh had stood by him through the last three years, voluntarily joining him in exile when he didn't have to. Going back even farther, he'd taken the young Zuko under his wing after his mother left. They'd both lost someone close to them at about the same time, and their companionship ever since had helped to fill the void.

Zuko knew that he had never really appreciated any of this. He had yelled at his uncle, insulted him, and even abandoned him at various times in their journey, always being forgiven but not understanding the unconditional love being offered.

He still didn't really understand it. At this final crossroads, Zuko had completely turned against Iroh's teachings. It had seemed the only viable option at the time, but now that it was too late, he couldn't stop questioning his decision.

No pain could be deeper,
No life could be cheaper,
No point anymore, if I can't love her.

Maybe Iroh had been wrong about Zuko all along. Maybe he wasn't really capable of true human affection. He'd been certain that he could, but he might have been wrong. On the other hand, whether it was possible or not, maybe it was just easier and less painful to live without such feelings – Azula certainly made it look that way. At the end of the day, maybe it didn't really matter. There was no longer anyone around him he could trust, anyway, and he couldn't foresee that changing even if he returned home.

Zuko stood, drawing himself up to his full height as he prepared to rejoin his sister and the others. The die had been cast, and he could only continue down the road he was on. Now that he was with Azula, there could be no looking left, right, or backward. She would see it as a sign of weakness, and he couldn't allow that.

No spirit could win me,
No hope left within me,
Hope I could have loved her
And that she'd set me free.

Still, Zuko couldn't help remembering, a little wistfully, the way Katara and the Avatar had embraced each other in the cave. Maybe he was the slightest bit envious of the bond they clearly shared. He had to wonder if there was anyone who cared as much for him as Katara clearly did for the Avatar. Her tear-streaked face as she held his body was burned into Zuko's mind as the last image he'd seen of her. His mother might have loved him like that, but she was gone.

Anyway, while the Avatar might have been able to afford love, Zuko couldn't. His position was precarious enough as it was, and he had to leave all of that behind if he was to survive. As he walked out of the door, he hoped that he could leave his doubts behind him as well.

If only there were not that niggling voice in the back of his head telling him that he was also setting aside any reason for living in the first place.

But it's not to be.
If I can't love her,
Let the world be done with me!

--

Review responses:

Wishing Only Wounds the Heart: Congratulations! I'm glad you got through it. Isn't Spamalot great? A return to Beauty & the Beast here.

nutshak: Wow, thank you! I really didn't think that last one would be considered "great." I was just having a little fun.

Ari-Griffin: I've actually thought of using some from Sweeney Todd, but the ones that have general applications tend to be extremely long. "A Little Priest" is one of my personal favorites.