Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar or the song "There is Nothing Like a Dame" from South Pacific, lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II.
Author's Note: I seem to be stuck in the first season lately, at least with my songfics. Actually, this is before Season 1 began. The song has a lot of lyrics, so please forgive me if the story wanders a little. This is a bit out of Zuko's life before he found Aang. I did my best to keep it cohesive.
There is Nothing Like a Dame
We've got sunlight on the sand,
We've got moonlight on the sea.
We've got mangoes and bananas
You can pick right off the tree.
We've got volleyball and ping-pong,
And a lot of dandy games.
What ain't we got?
We ain't got dames.
"I hate this assignment!" groused one of the crewmen, and Prince Zuko paused to listen. He knew he shouldn't really eavesdrop, but as commander of his ship, it was his business to know what was going on with the crew.
"Oh, it's not so bad," his comrade responded. "We get to see the world, and we don't have to worry about going into any real combat situations. It's easy duty."
"Yeah, if you don't mind outdated equipment or taking orders from a disgraced prince half your age."
"We're not all as old as you," the second man retorted jokingly. "Anyway, the food is much better than a typical navy ship, and we have music night."
"I'd rather have a few women around," the first man grumbled.
"He's got a point," broke in a third man, entering the conversation. "We spend most of our time sailing around the hind end of nowhere."
We get packages from home,
We get movies, we get shows.
We get speeches from our skipper
And advice from Tokyo Rose.
We get letters doused with perfume -
We get dizzy from the smell -
What don't we get?
Ya know damn well!
"Well, you can't expect the Avatar to just be out in the open," the second man tried to argue. "Somebody would have already found him."
"Hmph," grunted the first man. "Nobody's found him for 100 years, and we're not going to, either. It's a fool's errand, and we end up just as exiled as His Highness."
"It is only a six-month tour," conceded the third man, sounding like he was wavering between the arguments. "We can go home again, eventually. He can't."
"But we can only get dropped off in some Earth Kingdom town," the first man protested. "Then we have to find our own way home, if we're not immediately given another duty assignment."
"Hey, at least we do stop at those Earth Kingdom towns occasionally," said the second man. "We can pick up mail from home and get some entertainment."
We have nothing to put on a clean white suit for!
What we need is what there ain't no substitute for.
There is nothing like a dame,
Nothing in the world!
There is nothing you can name
That is anything like a dame.
"We never get enough leave for the entertainment I'm really looking for," asserted the first man, earning an understanding chuckle from the others around.
Zuko had heard enough. He came boldly out of hiding, as though simply making a circuit around the deck. The conversation stopped at his appearance, and he completed his rounds without acknowledging the men under his command. When that was done, he retreated to his cabin to think.
This conversation had been illuminating. It was not the first time Zuko had overheard the men under his command talking about women, of course, but it had never really occurred to him that they might wish to seek out perfect strangers for companionship. He'd barely entered puberty at the time of his exile, and he'd been in the process of beginning a new relationship. He thought only of her during this long separation and had always assumed that the other men would similarly be thinking about their wives or sweethearts. Now he knew differently.
We feel restless, we feel blue,
We feel lonely and in grief.
We feel every kind of feeling
But the feeling of relief.
We feel hungry as the wolf felt
When he met Red Riding Hood.
What don't we feel?
We don't feel good!
The mention of mail gave Zuko an idea, and he decided to put off taking any action based on what he'd heard. He picked up a quill and opened a bottle of ink.
"Dear Mai," he began the letter. He had filled many pieces of parchment to her over the past two years, most of which had never been sent. He was nervous about everything: his handwriting, what he could say that would interest her, how he felt about her and how much to write about it, whether she thought about him at all. He really had no way of knowing whether the letters he'd sent had even reached her, and he had received no replies from her. There was always the possibility that her parents wouldn't allow their correspondence. They might even be intercepting his messages before they got to her. Merging with the royal family was desired for someone in her father's position, but a prince in disfavor was something else entirely.
Still, Zuko continued to write. These letters had become a sort of journal for him. Every time he saw something new or mastered a firebending move, he shared it with this girl he wasn't entirely sure he would recognize when he saw her again.
Lots of things in life are beautiful, but brother…
There is one particular thing that is nothing whatsoever
In any way, shape or form like any other.
He supposed Mai gave him something to hold onto, a connection to his home that wasn't contingent upon success in his mission. He knew that three generations of his family had already expended considerable time, effort, and resources trying to find the Avatar. None of them had succeeded. However, none of them had had his motivation. He literally had nothing else to do.
Completing the letter, Zuko rolled it up and placed it in a case. He had not yet decided whether he would try to send this one or not. Then, he requested a servant to summon his uncle.
"This is a pleasant surprise, Nephew," Iroh commented. "Is there something on your mind?"
"Yes," said Zuko, trying to sound businesslike. "I was thinking that it might be about time to find the nearest port and re-stock our supplies."
"I agree that would be a good idea. I'll speak with the navigator about our options."
"Good." Zuko hesitated. "When you do that, also look at the…entertainment available in the town. It's come to my attention that the crew is ready for some time to themselves."
There is nothing like a dame,
Nothing in the world!
There is nothing you can name
That is anything like a dame.
Nothing else was built the same,
Nothing in the world,
As the soft and wavy frame
Like the silhouette of a dame.
Iroh eyed his nephew narrowly, and Zuko felt himself struggling not to fidget.
"I believe that is so," said Iroh finally. "May I ask what led you to this decision?"
"Why didn't you tell me the men wanted to spend time with women from time to time?" Zuko burst out. He felt as though a key part of commanding a ship had been deliberately kept from him. Iroh appeared taken aback.
"I – I'm sorry. I guess I thought it was obvious." Iroh reached out a hand, thought better of it, and continued. "Sometimes I forget how young you were when we began this journey." Zuko stood angrily and turned away. Pity and condescension were not what he was looking for right now.
"Just make the arrangements with the navigator and the helmsman, and let it be known that the crew will get a three-day shore leave after we dock."
"At once, Prince Zuko." There was a pause, but Iroh clearly wasn't leaving yet. "And will you be joining them in their entertainments?"
There is absolutely nothing like the frame of a dame.
So suppose that dame and bride
Are completely free from flaws,
Or as faithful as a bird dog,
Or as kind as Santa Claus.
It's a waste of time to worry
Over things that they have not.
Be thankful for the things they've got!
"I don't think so, Uncle," the prince replied. "Someone should stay with the ship."
"You know, it might help your relationship with the men under your command if you went out with them. Share a drink, perhaps. I could stay here."
"I am their prince and commander. I am not their comrade, and I don't want to be. Besides, I know how much you enjoy these little trips."
"Well, perhaps you should think about doing something for yourself. You're under a lot of stress." The words were neutral enough, but Zuko understood his meaning. Iroh had been trying to get his nephew to a brothel since he turned 15. The offer was reiterated every time Zuko had a temper outburst. Apparently, Zuko's uncle felt he had some excess energy that needed to be released.
"I'm fine," he asserted. "It's nothing to me to stay behind. It would be punishment to anyone else." Iroh sighed heavily.
"If you insist," he conceded. "Sometimes I worry that you are too much alone."
There is nothing you can name
That is anything like a dame!
There are no books like a dame,
And nothing looks like a dame.
There are no drinks like a dame,
And nothing thinks like a dame.
"Uncle, you always say a man needs his rest," Zuko pointed out, turning around.
"Oh, now you listen to me?" Iroh complained, but his eyes were twinkling, and a smile played around his lips. "Actually, a man has three needs: food, sleep, and…female companionship. Everything else is extra."
"I need my honor," Zuko objected, his expression hardening. He would make concessions for the sake of the crew, but his goal remained clear. Iroh inclined his head in a solemn nod and did not respond to this directly.
"Well, if you ever want to try that third need, you have only to ask," he said with resignation.
"I know," acknowledged Zuko, wondering if he really was strange for wanting to get his life back on track before indulging in that particular aspect of life.
"I'll go make the arrangements." Iroh bowed and withdrew, leaving Zuko to seek comfort in his memories of Mai, few though they were. Someday, he hoped to make more.
Nothing acts like a dame
Or attracts like a dame.
There ain't a thing that's wrong with any man here
That can't be cured by pulling him near
A girlish, womanly, female, feminine dame!
--
Author's Note: If Zuko was always going to be with Mai, and they'd tentatively started a relationship before he left (according to the comic drawn in Summer 2007), I thought he should have been thinking about her way back in first season. At least, we could have seen him writing her a letter, and that's how this idea was born. Some of you might have recognized comedian Bill Engvall's "three basic needs of guys" in here, and I wish to give him credit.
Review responses:
airnaruto45: Look, The Prince of Egypt is neither a Broadway stage show nor a Disney movie. I might eventually get around to Don Bluth or Dreamworks productions in Magic Kingdom, but I want to use up most of my actual Disney options first.
Argorok34: I don't know how they dropped the ball, either, but I'm glad I can help. It's therapeutic for me as well.
lorelessbison: I know it's the writers'/creators' fault, but I don't know how to deal with it other than trying to have Katara make up for their botching her. I feel like I'm stuck cleaning up the mess they left. It's a little like being married with two boys, LOL.
nutshak: I would like to think that Katara had a private scene like that, even if she suffered in silence. She seemed to completely lose her emotions for the last eight episodes.
ilovekataang: Whoa, that's reaching! I don't think Zuko had time to think about saving Katara for Aang, and you don't know what Katara HAD to do because the show didn't tell us. If Aang had to be alone, why could the others stay while she couldn't? Sorry this one isn't fluff, but I've been working on it for a while.