Hatred is more than a feeling. It is soul devouring…
WARNING: This fanfiction contains swearing, malexmale, violence, child abuse
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Characters ©
Chapter 30
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HP
Everything slowly fell apart.
Harry could feel his thoughts breaking.
His façade splintering and cracking under the pressure.
Everything happened so fast but he could see it all slowing down to a crawling speed.
All had been a blur before, the room he had been staring at unseeingly swam out of focus, and all he could see were emerald eyes, sadness, pain, sympathy, understanding, so different from the ones he had looked into for years in the bathroom mirror. These held the soul of Severus Snape.
"I know." The words repeated softly.
And he felt himself fall forward, into lithe arms, and he buried his face into the robe he had thrown over Severus when they had rescued him from the Dursley's. He felt Severus's presence as he hid his face against the potion master's chest. Felt the warmth, the power, the magic and promise behind those words and he couldn't stop the tears as they fled down his cheeks.
A hand stroking his head and everything sped up again.
But he was only aware of the pounding in his ears, the warm wetness on his cheeks and the heart beat, steady against the flight of his own. He clutched the dark material of the man's robe.
Hid himself in the folds, closer to the warmth.
Held his breath, waiting.
Let this last.
Please.
SS
Severus jerked at the sudden intimacy, but swallowed the sudden instinct to lash out. Instead he slowly wrapped his arms around the huddled figure, which was leaning against him, almost borrowing into him. It was difficult, Harry was still in his body, taller, older, and Severus still held the figure of a teenage boy, but somehow Harry had managed to shrink into himself, as if trying to shrink away from the world.
"What in Merlin's name is going on? Harry are you alright?" A voice from the door way and Severus turned to glare at the intruder. Remus Lupin stood in the doorway, eyes wide with shock, Sirius Black glancing guiltily from behind his back, but he had seemed to have calmed considerably.
"Lupin." Was his only reply, before the boy flinched and re-directed his attention. He soothed his charge with a soft touch to the top of the young man's head.
Sirius stared at them, not quite comprehending. Severus scowled. This was not the best time for either of them to be barging in here.
"What's wrong with him? What have you done to him?" Lupin took a step forward and the mutt sneered in his direction, but Severus didn't stop the slow weave of his fingers through the boy's hair. He vaguely remembered his mother doing the same to him once, when he'd been ill, it had been comforting.
"It was nothing I did." He almost growled, as tightened his grip on the boy. "As for what is wrong with the young man." He paused, his tone falling. He frowned, Harry Potter had been failed by the very people and the very world he was destined to protect. Severus had failed him, in so many ways that it stung every time he thought of it. "He will tell you when he is ready. He needs some time to rest."
By this time he had moved to softly stroking the back of the boy's neck. The body against him no longer trembled with tears, but the grasp on his robe was still strong.
"Are you sure?" There was worry in that voice as Remus directed the next question at the boy in Severus's arms. "Harry, are you alright?"
HP
Harry tensed at the sound of Remus's voice, muffled by the robes he had buried himself in. Another person to join the party tonight, he grit his teeth and tried to concentrate on the slow rhythm of Severus's breathing.
He hoped he could hide a little longer. If he was forced to face the world, he was sure it would fall away from beneath him and he would crumble away to nothing.
He held on a little tighter.
No, he wasn't alright.
SS
"I think you should wait till the morning." Severus wound his fingers through the others hair.
"Perhaps it's best. It's been a long night." The werewolf stepped further into the room, a slight slump of the shoulders, a drag to the feet. The mutt was immediately at Lupin's side.
"What happened?" Sirius asked with a frown. "Did you find the kids?"
A shake of the head was the only answer and Severus frowned, what was this about? Feeling the body press into his, as if trying to escape the world outside, he tightened his grip and Remus noticed the shift. The werewolf's eyes narrowed.
"I think you should get Harry off to bed Severus, the boy's emotionally exhausted." A pause. "We need to talk."
There was no response from Harry, it was as if he hadn't heard he was being discussed. Severus frowned, shifting a little, the body moved with him.
"Harry." He whispered the name into the other's ear and felt a response. His thumb caught the boy's chin and brought the wounded eyes out from hiding. The tears had stopped, but they were red and a little puffy, the dark onyx glinted sharply with broken shards he hadn't seen before.
Severus wondered if it was too late to help the boy.
If he would only wound him further.
He pushed the thought from his mind.
"Come on." He didn't move until the boy nodded.
They moved in silence, slowly, Harry not letting go of the grasp he had on Severus's robes, and Severus letting his fingers brush against the other's skin, letting them linger, comfortingly on the back of his hand, guiding at his elbow, on the back of the boys neck.
Neither Remus nor Sirius said a word as they left the room, and they reached Harry's quarter's without interruption. Severus paused at the door, but Harry's grasp on him pulled him in and he followed the boy to the large double bed.
Harry kicked off his shoes and slid off his shirt.
And looked straight at him.
Severus swallowed.
"Harry." He started, his voice a soft whisper of warning. His smaller hand was grasped by a larger potion stained one.
"You'll come back?" It was a desperate plea as the hand was squeezed, and Severus wondered how the boy could make his face look so innocent, so young. "I don't want to sleep alone tonight. I know I shouldn't be asking and I'm not someone you'd ever dream of sleeping next to and I'm sure that-"
There was the awkward boy Severus had thought was lost under the tension of the last few weeks.
"I'll come back."
He left without glancing back.
HP
Harry felt the tension drain and exhaustion slam into him.
It had taken all of what was left of his courage to ask that one simple favour. To ask the dreaded potion's master to come back, to come and sleep by him.
He wasn't sure why he had needed to ask him. Why he suddenly needed the man by his side, especially tonight when Harry should be on his own working out all the problems his life had suddenly spewed on him. Tonight, the night he had rescued Severus from the Dursley's, and had found himself in the man's arms, grasping onto him like he was the only thing left in his life that made sense.
But Severus had said he'd come back.
Harry kicked his jeans off, and changed into a night shirt that was too large and fell to mid-thigh.
Why had he said he'd come back?
Harry crawled into bed and pulled the covers up to his ears, the dull murmuring from the living room barely reaching him.
Severus should have been disgusted with Harry. Furious for leaving him at the Dursley's, sickened by the weakness Harry had displayed, what Harry would have been put through for his whole life. He should be pitied and avoided.
But he had comforted Harry when his Godfather had left, had held him close and given him the strength to stop from falling over the edge. Even when he should have pushed Harry away, should have punished him for everything that Harry had put him through.
He deserved it after all.
He curled in on himself as he heard a sudden raised voice which he knew was Sirius's, it lasted only for a moment and Harry drew in a shuddering breath when it fell silent again. He shouldn't be afraid of Sirius.
He shouldn't be.
But he was.
He shouldn't be frightened of falling asleep. Of nightmares and dark-red darkness.
Of the Dursley's, of Riddle, of himself.
He shouldn't be frightened of tomorrow. Of accusations and painful drawn out truths.
Of the looks, the whispers, the pitying stares.
He shouldn't be frightened of waking up. Of the empty bed and the broken hope.
Of the cold sheets, the ignored promise, of being all by himself.
But he was.
SS
Severus closed the hallway door behind him, shutting off the main room.
"For years Remus! Years!" The mutt was pacing and didn't even look up as Severus's returned. Remus sat on one of the lounge chairs looking pale and horrified. He glanced up at Severus and there was fresh pain in the amber eyes that masked the previous tiredness.
"Those creatures' have tortured and tormented him and we've been sending him back each summer for more! He wanted to stay with us remember! He had pleaded, and we all thought it was a funny little joke how desperate he was. We sent him back! He was suppose to be safe there!"
The man growled, venting his anger to the living room.
"It's all our fault. It's all my fault." The mutt growled, fist connecting with the wall. "My fault." A choked sob and Severus found himself hating the man even more. This man should never have been allowed to escape the walls of Azkaban.
"Do you cry for your failure in protecting the father's oath or of the son's life?" He spat at the pathetic scene.
"Harry means the world to me." The mutt growled with remorse. "I-" he ran a hand through his hair, "It's all my fault."
"It is no more your fault than it is mine." Severus frowned. "In fact it would be more my fault than yours. I was the one that convinced Dumbledore that the boy would be safer there. I was the one that persuaded him that you were still in too much danger of being found to have anyone living with you, let alone Harry. And I was the one-"
"You fucking bastard!"
The fist around his throat choked him and he stumbled back in surprise.
"I'm going to kill you!" The man roared before he was knocked back by Remus, landing head over heel, scattering some of the furniture. Severus gasped in a breath before glaring daggers at the mutt. He had thought the mutt had calmed down a little, but the anger had merely simmered beneath the surface.
"You're going to kill me?"
Severus drew himself up, the young body he was in protesting the movement as his still tender ribs twinged. He ignored it, embracing instead the magic that crackled and simmered in response to the hatred Sirius threw at him.
"Kill me?!" He chuckled darkly feeling the magic swell in him.
"Will it be painful?" He stalked forward in slow measure steps, felt it push him on.
"Will it be fast?" Felt it run across his skin, reaching out for the man in front of him.
"Will it be slow?" The man at his feet shuffled backwards, as the magic slowly wrapped itself around him.
"Or will it be silent…" The magic tightened around the man, crackling and snapping. Severus felt it surge, felt the pleasure of it coiling around his prey, choking his breath and his ability to cry out.
"Just like my brother?"
The magic danced with his hatred, before he snapped the connection and wrenched it back into himself. Burning and twisting with the sudden release, he gasped as it swept through him and he felt weak at the knees before he steadied himself.
Sirius slid to the ground watching him with wide eyes.
Remus stared at Severus horrified and he felt nauseous.
He had stopped himself.
But he had gone too far.
"Remus let's go." Sirius was on his feet, eyes not meeting Severus's and Remus looked surprised by the sudden change of tact.
"But-"
"You said if the bastard dies before they change back, Harry could be stuck in that hideous body for the rest of his life. Let's go." The tone was demanding.
"Sirius. I haven't finished telling Severus all there is."
"You have time to talk to him, but not to me? About me Godson?" The anger had found another target and Severus watched as Remus blinked in the face of Sirius' cold gaze.
"It was Dumbledore's idea, Sirius. I would have told you about the body swap, but he thought it was a delicate situation." Remus protested.
"You think I can't be trusted with delicate situations?" The voice was a growl. "I'm being very delicate about this situation. The Dursley's, this worm, they could all be dead, buried, gone. No one would know how, why, where…"
"Sirius. You don't mean that."
"Don't test me. I'll kill them." There was a certainty in that voice. "But for Harry's sake I'll wait. Something like this should be brought up to Albus, and Albus only. He'll know how to deal with it without it leaking to the press or the ministry. And if he can't handle it, then I'll show you just how delicately I can handle this situation."
Remus looked surprised and Sirius gave the man a malevolent smile, baring his fangs.
"Don't look so surprised, my dear. Delicacy is something you refine in Azkaban."
Severus wondered if Remus had ever seen this side of Sirius before. He may have but Severus could see by the slight widening of the eyes that the man had never given much significance to the time the mutt had spent in Azkaban prison. The mutt had after all returned almost as same as when he had left, a little worn, but still the same.
But he knew, no one was ever the same who went in and came out.
If they came out.
And ten years was a long time.
Severus had seen the lines that had developed, the silent shift in his walk and the quick flicker of the eyes, evaluating, calculating. No one understood why Severus beheld the man as such a danger, but he had seen parts of Black that no other had seen, and he wasn't going to be fooled by any large grin or poor joke.
Which was why the very idea of the man, cool, calm and collected, voice sharp and hard, sent shivers down his back. Lame retorts and barbed hatred thrown at each other was a way for Severus to keep those shifting eyes on him, that calculating mind on him, caught up in word games.
"Pity intelligence isn't developed there, you would have had ten years to rub those two brain cells together and maybe start a small fire." Severus baited the man, waiting for a reaction.
"You never change." The mutt's eyes narrowed.
"Well here I thought you couldn't change for the worse, but through sheer force of will, you keep proving me wrong, every time." The mutt glared at him.
"We should go." He muttered, half turning. Severus frowned.
He must have effected the man strongly, if he was backing away so easily. The magic he had thrown at Black was still sitting in the pit of his stomach, slowly dissolving away, it made him sick to think of it. He could've killed the man, as easily as a thought.
And he had thought often enough about it.
"I suppose you're right." Remus muttered, not sure where to stand in the rocky situation. "But first, this is for you." Severus was handed a thick looking letter. "And these can be sent anywhere, it's explained in the letter." He was gifted a small pile of postcards with sunny beaches, tropical rainforests and snowy mountains.
"I was to answer any questions the letter might bring, but it's probably best if we go." The amber eyed man shot a look at the Sirius. "I should be back in a few days with news from Dumbledore about the Dursley's. I think…" the man paused and looked troubled before he shook his head. "Take care."
They turned to leave but Sirius stopped.
Hatred fell from his eyes for a moment.
Desperate.
"Tell Harry, if he needs us…"
The man trailed off.
Severus hated him.
But he nodded.
"I'll tell him."
The house was left in silence, letter and blank postcards in his hand. His shoulders sank and he rubbed the bridge of his nose. He would deal with all of this in the morning. Placing the bundle on the kitchen table, he found himself in the darkness of Harry's room, changed into a simple cotton shirt and pants he crawled under the covers.
He fell asleep to the soft almost silent sound of the other's breath.
It was comforting.
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To be cont'