Disclaimer: I don't own Beetlejuice's fine dead ass. That's Timmy's property.

Author's note: So I was torn between writing an actual story and writing one of my Making Fun of Blah Blah Blah series, similar to how I ripped Phantom of the Opera a new one a few years ago. Only I would be making fun of Beetlejuice fanfiction, instead of the franchise itself, which even a cynic like myself can't bring herself to make fun of, since it is, simply, brilliant. Except Beetlejuice fanfiction tends to be pretty good, I've noticed. So that idea vomited on itself.

So here's a real, actual, FO SHIZZLE story.

Chapter 1 Seventeen Years

Well. He thought grimly. I guess that's that.

Beetlejuice had been waiting in Lydia's room for the greater part of the week after her funeral, but she never appeared. He counted the cracks on the ceiling, snooped through her drawers, even attempted to comb his hair with that weird little ivory thing on her vanity (it took three hours to remove it again), but she never came, and after seven days, he had to accept it.

She was gone. Shit happens, and Lyds was gone. For whatever reason, she couldn't wait around for him.

Beetlejuice didn't know what came after the "hereafter," but Juno told him once that there were special places for special people.

Basically, Lyds was a good kid and she went to heaven without having to wade through bullshit for a hundred years.

He sat on her bed and put his head in his hands.

He didn't know it (and he probably wouldn't have cared if he did), but the moment he put his head in his hands, a woman in Gary, Indiana gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who, oddly enough, didn't cry at finding herself in the world.

And what with one thing and another, seventeen years passed. A decade and seven years was absolutely nothing to Beetlejuice. Hell, a century was a maybe a couple of years to him. And he missed Lyds, that was for damn sure, but he was still the ghost with the most.

"The ghost with the most goddamn numbers, you mean," he snarled, staring at his ticket in the waiting room. 6,345,998,124. He didn't feel brave enough to pull any There-Goes-Elvis tricks; mainly because no one gave a shit about Elvis anymore. He actually got about half the waiting room with There-Goes-Heath-Ledger, but THAT ended with a nice swift kick in the balls from the receptionist when she found out her big tenth grade crush hadn't actually walked through the door.

No pulling shit. God, this was SO BORING.

"I'M SO BORED!" Beej whined, turning into a plank of wood.

"Then why don't you give yourself a challenge and see how long you can shut the fuck up?" The receptionist snapped. She still was miffed about the Heath Ledger incident, even though it happened two years ago.

How long had he been in the Waiting Room? At LEAST ten years. Maybe fifteen? No…

"Fuck it, I lost track," he groaned.

Why did Juno even need to see him? He hadn't pulled anything major lately. After Lyds died, he really didn't feel the urge. Maybe a few snake tricks, a couple of Ooga Booga closet attacks, but nothing that would have him filling out paperwork for the rest of his eternity. Or waiting in the Waiting Room for the rest of eternity.

He looked up at the ticket sign. 6,345,998,123.

Wait.

He looked at it again.

Holy shit.

"YEEESSSS!" He exploded out of his seat, turning into a rocket.

The sign changed to 6,345,998,124.

Beetlejuice lurched out of his seat and headed through the doorway, blowing a kiss at the receptionist, who promptly flipped him off.

Juno, needless to say, was not thrilled to see Beetlejuice. She never was. She hypothesized that he was the sole reason for her current addiction to aspirin, and probably also the main reason why she's had carpal tunnel five times from filling out paperwork. God only knew why she was doing this for him. She reasoned that this will help keep him in line, the way Lydia always had…this is for the good of the Neitherworld, nothing more.

Juno took a deep breath and assumed her usual sardonic look as Beetlejuice sashayed into her office, humming.

"So, Junes…" he began in a light voice. "How's it hangin', huh, babes?"

"I don't have time for this." Juno rolled her eyes and lit a cigarette. "Sit down, and shut up. We have a lot to talk about."

Beetlejuice obeyed. For once.

Juno dug through her files until she found what she was looking for.

And when she did, she slapped it on her desk and inched it towards Beetlejuice's pale, grimy hands.

It was a photo. Of a girl.

"The fuck is this?" Beetlejuice murmured, looking at the picture. The chick was laughing. She had long yellow hair that fell past her shoulders, almost covering tits that, BJ had to admit, were pretty nice. Her smile was broad, and her eyes were closed.

He tossed the photo back. "What's your point, babes? Who is this?"

Juno exhaled an inordinate amount of smoke. "This," she rasped, "is Lydia."

Beetlejuice looked at the photo. He looked at Juno. He looked at the photo again, his eyes lingering for a long time.

"Huh." He said.

Alright, I'd love to write more, but I have an exam to study for, and I really should pass it...although flunking out of school WOULD give me more time to write fanfiction. Except I don't think that's quite worth the plummeting of self-esteem. I promise I'll update soon!

--Kirin