Without You Challenge—Without You
Chapter Four
The years had passed quickly. First year lead to fifth, in a path paved with mischief, detentions and the wonderful abilities of an invisibility cloak. Fifth years was when the real world leaked into the haven they knew as Hogwarts. They had all waited for the moment the world would rudely awaken them, but when it came they were all too shocked to be upset at the slap in the face.
The earth turns
The pretended they weren't worried. Sirius picked at his eggs idly, none of it making it to his mouth as of yet, and none of it would. They tried to make it look like they weren't staring. But they were. They were worried, and scared and they didn't know what to do. Mischief was one thing, five years and they had that down. Problems of the emotional variety—no. They didn't deal with that.
Remus met his eyes, and then looked down, scared of the emptiness he saw in Sirius's dead blue eyes. "How are the eggs," Remus muttered in Sirius's direction. Sirius didn't respond. "Sirius, can I speak with you?" Sirius grunted, so Remus stood and started to walk towards the staircase. He was relieved to see that Sirius was following him.
When they reached a somewhat secluded hall, Remus stopped and turned to face Sirius. He opened his mouth to say something, but Sirius had opened his mouth as well.
"I miss him," he murmured. "I hated his guts, but I miss him." Remus took a step towards Sirius, unsure of what to do. He had never seen Sirius this down before. "I want to think about something else. And when I try to forget him, all I can think about is you."
Remus flushed. "What do you mean?"
Sirius stared at the wall directly to the left of Remus's head. "I don't know. I just can't stop thinking about you. You and Regulus. But I've been thinking about you for years, Moony."
"You're all I think about, too," Remus admitted in a small voice.
"Really?" Remus thought he saw some of the old light flash in Sirius eyes and grinned. Remus moved his head suddenly, stealing a chaste kiss from Sirius's lips. He flushed crimson, and started to turn away when Sirius caught him and pulled him in fast for another kiss.
Remus was shocked by the action, and left his mouth slightly agape. Sirius used this as a vehicle for sliding his tongue into Remus's open mouth. Remus gasped, and Sirius wrapped his tongue around Remus's. Moaning, Remus responded by pushing his tongue into Sirius's mouth in turn. Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's waist, and Remus threw his arms around Sirius's necks.
The need for air became overwhelming, and they pulled apart, connected by the arms they had wrapped around one and other. Remus snuggled his head into Sirius's chest. Sirius looked down at the mess of auburn hair nestled against him and for the first time in days, he smiled.
The sun burns
It looked like tag. To those who watched them, it seemed like tag. They giggled, because they knew no one knew it was tag, their version of tag. Remus panted in breath, his cheeks red from exertion. He ducked behind a large tree that James and Peter happened to be leaning on.
"How are you, Remus?" James asked, smirking slightly at Remus's appearance.
"Fine—you?" Remus wheezed, laughing.
"I'm fine, Remus." James tried not to laugh as Sirius popped up behind Remus, tickling his side.
"Ahh—I—surrender!" Remus cried, doubling over in laughter.
"You're it," Sirius whispered in Remus's ear, running off in the opposite direction.
"Bastard!" Remus cried, running after Sirius, laughing and gasping while he tried to run after him.
When they were out of range of James and Peter, James turned to his friend and grinned, a small sad grin. "I haven't seen Sirius smile like that for so long. It's nice isn't it?" James looked past Peter towards Remus and Sirius. Sirius had Remus in an iron hug, and Remus struggled, laughing. He watched as Remus turned to face Sirius and place a kiss on Sirius's lips, tearing away when Sirius was distracted.
"I think it's kinda gross," Peter said, making a face at Sirius and Remus who were now rolling in the field.
"Peter, I suggest you keep comments like that to yourself. I haven't seen Sirius this happy since before Regulus died. I have never seen Remus this happy since I met him. I don't care how wrong anyone thinks what they are doing is. If it makes them happy you will smile and buy them anniversary presents, and help them deal with relationship problems, and help them pick out wedding rings if it comes to that, because you are their friend, and you don't get the right to approve of what they do. And you will deal with this, Peter, or I will kick your ass into next week, Merlin help me." James was out of breath, but he glared at Peter none-the-less, panting. Peter's eyes were huge with shock and fear. He nodded blankly. He looked off into the distance, his eyes lingering on Remus and Sirius.
"All right, Prongs. Didn't mean to be offensive. Forgive me?" James refused to answer for a long moment.
"I'll consider it. Now go find me something to hex, or it'll be you." James ruffled his hair as Peter ran off as fast as his stubby legs would take him.
Sirius tugged playfully at Remus's arms, crisscrossed over his stomach and held in place by Sirius's stronger hands. Remus laughed, and tried idly to pull away. They were both grinning widely.
"I feel like I'm in a straight jacket." Remus giggled.
"That's 'cause I'm crazy for you!" Sirius replied with a grin.
"That's the lamest comeback I ever heard! Is that what you spent all of History Of Magic coming up with?" Remus demanded, trying his hardest not to start laughing.
"Yes, Sir," Sirius replied with a mock pout. He saw Severus Snape across the field. "Remus I have to go talk to Snivellus. I'll be back later, kay?" he kissed Remus quickly on the lips, and then ran off towards the pacing Slytherin.
But I die without you
"Severus, can I talk to you?" The Slytherin turned suddenly when he heard his name. "I would like to talk to you about that thing you told me the other day."
"Oh. Okay." Sirius noticed how Severus didn't meet his eyes. He assumed it had something to do with the nature of this conversation or the fact that he had been housemates with Sirius's own recently deceased brother.
"Listen, Severus. I don't want you to think my answer is coming from a hate for you. I don't hate you. I haven't for a while." Severus looked up, hopeful. "I'm seeing someone, Severus. I'm seeing someone I have loved for a very long time and I don't think that he and I are ever going to 'over'. I appreciate the fact that you have fallen for me, and I understand how hard it must have been for you to tell me.
"I have respect for that. A lot of respect. But there are other things to consider. I believe that everyone is made tailored for one other person in the entire world. But I don't think I'm the one for you." He looked Severus in the eyes, and Severus turned away.
"Oh. Okay." Sirius knew that none of this was sinking in. Severus looked as though someone had just woken him up to tell him that his puppy had been found dead, impaled on a stick.
"Listen, Sev, it's not that I don't like you because of who you are. It's not. I just . . . I'm sorry, I just don't feel that way for you. Please, Severus, try to understand." He was begging Severus with his eyes. He didn't need a response, not really, he just needed to know that Severus didn't hate him for it.
"I do. Thank you for not teasing me," Severus whispered, tears edging at his voice. "I'm sorry to burden you with this." He ran off, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be right for you," he told the air, pretending that Severus hadn't walked off. He needed to get this off his chest, and so he spoke to no one, softly, and pretended that everyone could hear. "And I'm sorry that you couldn't love my brother the way he loved you. I'm sorry that everything has to end bloody wrong, and I'm sorry that I couldn't help you, Severus Snape." He sighed, and slowly walked off towards Remus.
--
"Sirius . . . Sirius! Oy, you arsehole, stop ignoring me! Guess what Sirius? No, I didn't decide not to join the Death Eaters . . . no I didn't decide to give up my job . . . no, I am not going to be on the cover of playboy! Guess what really! No, I have not decided to let you kill me. I don't think this is funny. I'm trying to tell you something serious, Sirius. Wow, that's fun to say. Shut up! Well, I'll just tell you then. I'm in love. No, I don't mean that I suck him off more than usual. No, it doesn't mean that he pays more! I don't make him pay at all. I love him. He's this boy, your year, my house. I think I'm really in love with him, Siri. I don't know what to do. And I don't think I can live without him . . ."