Challenge—Without You
Chapter Eleven
Sirius was laughing, his loud, obnoxious, infectious laughter. He hadn't expected it. Neither had Harry. Remus couldn't think straight enough to determine if he had expected it. But the stream of green light hit him in the chest and he was falling backwards. He fell slowly through the veil. Remus knew that he couldn't come back through the other side, but he still waited, impatiently, for Sirius to reappear.
"SIRIUS!" Harry yelled, "SIRIUS!"
Remus grabbed him, stopping Harry from running into the veil himself. "There's nothing you can go, Harry—"
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"
"It's too late, Harry—"
"We can still reach him—"
"There's nothing you can do, Harry . . . nothing . . . He's gone."
Harry struggled viciously, and Remus barely kept his hold. "He isn't gone! SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"
"He can't come back, Harry," Remus said, his voice breaking. "He can't come back, because he's d—"
"No!"
Remus dragged Harry away, before Harry managed to escape his grip, suddenly furious and screaming that he as going to kill Bellatrix for what she had done. Remus was all out of energy. He collapsed on the floor still staring in disbelief.
"I believe," he turned to find Dumbledore, and realize he was the only one left in the room. "That there aren't five stages of death the way the Muggles describe them. I believe they are different. Would you like to hear my theory? I believe it goes: shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance. Young Harry is already angry. You're still in shock." He reached an arm down to help Remus up.
"He's okay?" Remus's voice was distant.
"He fought Voldemort, and is angry at me for letting Sirius die. Children's emotions are much simpler than yours or mine. Harry will get over this fast. He didn't know Sirius was well you did. He didn't love Sirius the way you did. Let's get you to Hogwarts with a dreamless sleep potion and some tea, okay?" Remus nodded weakly.
The next time Remus was aware of his surroundings, Severus Snape was there, looking sad, but controlling himself. He handed Remus a cup of tea.
"There's a dreamless sleep potion in there, all right? Get some sleep here tonight. We'll get you home when you're ready." Remus chugged the tea in a second, immediately slipping deep into sleep, tears falling down his cheeks in long streams.
Without you
Remus was back in the Black house. It was odd. It was empty. It was silent. Dumbledore was going to meet him today, for tea. Remus hadn't bothered to get dressed. He was wearing flannel pants and a baggy Mickey Mouse T-shirt.
Dumbledore arrived, with a huge flurry of his robes as he entered the house. He looked at Remus and smiled gently. "Hello Remus."
"Hi, Albus. Come, sit down." Remus tried to summon the tea from the kitchen, but his magic had been unreliable of late so he walked into the kitchen, and brought back two cups of tea. They sat and Dumbledore started to sip his tea. "I'm not moving out, Albus."
"I never said you had to," Dumbledore murmured softly. "But the house does belong to Harry, according to Sirius's Will."
"His old Will. It changed. Besides which, I thought the next Black in line inherited the House. Harry is nothing resembling a Black." Remus hissed.
"So then the house goes to Bellatrix Lestrange. Do you want to see her in Sirius's old house?" Dumbledore asked him, his voice cold.
"No, it doesn't go to Bellatrix. She's not a Black. There's another Black in line for the house before Harry." Remus sighed, sipping his tea idly.
"Are you going to alert me as to who this Black is?" Dumbledore asked. "I realize you and Sirius were close, but without a legitimate marriage, you can't be considered."
"We were married. The night the Potter's were attacked. I changed my name, though I still sign it the same way. Remus Black." Remus's eyes pleaded with Dumbledore. "I'm a Black, Dumbledore. I'm the heir to the house, and I'm not giving it up."
"All right then, Remus. I wish you had told me before. But thank you for confiding in me."
The eyes gaze
He paced around the house, unable to shake the terrible feeling of guilt that had gripped him ever since Sirius had died. He sat down on a couch suddenly, his legs not supporting him anymore. He tried to sniff back his tears, but they still fell, and Remus couldn't help but start sobbing.
He had ordered a portrait of Sirius and it was currently being made. He needed it. He needed anything resembling Sirius to be as near to him as possible, otherwise he knew he would go insane. He was trying his hardest to stay sane, but it seemed to be a losing battle.
He looked around. The table was covered in dishes and bottles and other things he hadn't bothered to clean up. When members of the Order were staying with him, they often cleaned up after him without prompting. Whenever Severus Snape came the house was spotless in moments. He knew that Severus did it for Remus's own benefit, but he sometimes wished that Severus would just leave. It was too hard to look at him.
Over the next couple of weeks, Remus talked less, and Molly Weasley continually commented that his amber eyed had faded to more of a hazel colour, and looked as though the owner of those eyes had died. Remus thought maybe he had died, and if he hadn't, he wished someone would get on with it and kill him.
The legs walk
When the full moon came, Remus didn't take his potion. He decided that he needed a chance to break free and maybe do something horrible that would take his mind off of Sirius. He wasn't sure it would work, but he was willing to try. At about six thirty, before the sun had set and moon was visible, he started walking towards a secluded forest. The walk was long, but he had time and he made it there with time to spare.
He sat down at the bottom a large tree in the center of a clearing. This tree looked much the same as a tree that Sirius and he used to sit under at school. The memory brought tears to his eyes, and he closed his eyes, waiting until the moon rose.
The lungs breathe
The transformation hurt, like it always did, however the pain seemed less for the greater pain in his heart. His senses were on fire and he tried to find something to eat. He smelled a rabbit. That would do for a small snack.
He bounded after the rabbit, catching it with ease. He was about to tear into it, when he looked down at it. Something that he didn't recognize flooded his system, and he almost let the poor struggling rabbit go, before choosing to ignore it and break the rabbit's head with his teeth. He ate it quickly before deciding that he needed more to eat.
He smelled something that smelled like a human. He slowly started stalking the smell and came upon a woman hiding behind a tree, holding a little baby. A child, ooh, he wanted that. He was almost next to them when the woman turned around. He stepped forward, and she stepped back, tripping backwards on a root and falling backwards. The baby started crying.
He stepped forward, about to grab the baby when he looked into the woman's eyes. She had strikingly blue eyes. He suddenly stepped back, running backwards as fast as he could, trying to get away from that woman who had stirred something inside him that he didn't recognize and didn't want.
He collapsed by a tree and closed his eyes. He howled, suddenly, and he felt tired. Slowly, he started to fall asleep, drifting off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.
Remus awoke to find himself naked, lying in a forest with huge scratches covering his chest. His stomach made a noise and he realized what he had eaten the night before. He started crying, covering his eyes with his forearms, trying to block his face from view. He curled up in a ball sobbing.
He heard someone call his name and his head shot up. Severus stood there, a large black cloak outstretched in his hand. Remus grabbed it weakly and wrapping it around his naked, quivering form. Once he had the cloak on, he fell back down. He didn't want to get up. He didn't want to go back to the house. He started crying again, sobbing into his arms.
Severus stood there, staring at the boy crying at his feet. He could feel the same pain that Remus felt, although on a slightly lesser scale. He kneeled down beside Remus. Tentatively, he reached out and rubbed Remus's back. It was an awkward motion, but slightly comforting. Severus smiled sadly down at Remus and he murmured softly, his voice barely audible, "Embrace the pain, Remus. It will let you know that you are still alive."