Challenge—Without You
Chapter Twelve
The mind churns
The ceremony took almost too long for Remus to handle. Sitting in the first pew, his listened as people said their last goodbyes, then turned towards him, telling him how sorry they were for his loss. He didn't need to hear how sorry everyone else was. He was sorry enough for himself, and everyone else in the room.
His eyes were red and dry and he was tired of crying. His eyes had no more tears, he was sure. He didn't want to be at the funeral. They were burying an empty casket. He didn't understand the purpose of burying an empty casket. That wasn't true, he did understand. They needed a place to grieve, a single tangible place. He understood the whole idea, but he hated it. He didn't want to need a single place to remember Sirius. He wanted to be able to remember Sirius everywhere, anywhere and at anytime.
Harry sat next to him, cuddled in Draco's arms. He was still crying, he hadn't stopped crying in weeks. He made Remus feel tired. Remus was all ready exhausted; he hadn't been able to put with Harry. He felt bad that he had been short with Harry, but Draco had been there to make Harry feel better.
Remus had to stand, and shake people's hands. They told him "it'll all get better with time," but he knew that was a lie. The longer he spent trying to get over Sirius, the more it would hurt, and he knew it. He would try and try, he would date and he would get shitfaced and he would grieve until he was old, but it would never stop. He knew it would never stop.
He saw Harry whisper something to Draco and slip away into the throngs of people. Draco walked over to Remus, his black attire clashing with his platinum blond hair. He pulled up to Remus's side and grabbed his hand. He gave it a comforting squeeze and Remus felt tears fall from his eyes again.
"I don't remember Sirius that well, but he was a good man," Draco said, and for the first time today, the words spoken to him made him feel at peace instead of torn up inside. "I met him once at a family reunion, the one in Azkaban, when we were visiting Bella, with the whole family. You were there, too." Remus nodded and smiled at the memory. Draco's voice got quiet as he tried to remember. "And . . . I don't remember what he said . . .but I remember he made me feel like a person for the first time in my life, instead just a vessel to continue the pure blood line."
Draco Malfoy stood a slight young seven-year-old at his father's heels. His father spoke to Auntie Bella in hushed tones, and he wandered off towards the one his father had hissed was "Sirius Black." He reached his uncle and stood outside the door smiling.
"What?" Sirius muttered, starved and tired, he had no patients for a child.
"I'm Draco Malfoy," the boy said, looking at him in awe. "I'm seven," he bit his lip and Sirius couldn't help but grin.
"Yeah, Draco. You know you're the same age as my godson."
Draco's eyes widened. "Really? Wow! Cool! Can I meet him?" Sirius smiled at the young Malfoy.
"He said that you were a good kid. He placed his hand on your cheek through the bars and he said, 'Don't ever become like your father. He's a prick. You're a good kid, and you'll grow up to be a great man. I want to be there for you kid, but I can only do that if you promise me something, okay?' and then you nodded," Remus grinned at Draco who was blushing. "And he said 'Promise me you'll piss of your dad at every chance you get,' and you smiled and do you remember what you said?"
"I said 'Sure thing, uncle Siri,' and then you appeared, and said hello to him, and he stared and you said—" Draco's voice was full of tears but a sad smile lay across his face.
Draco giggled. "Sure thing, uncle Siri." Sirius smiled at the child. Draco stepped back, walking away from him backwards, until he was more than twenty feet away, as a new shadow appeared behind him.
"Hello, Sirius." Sirius turned to the voice but Draco didn't turn his head.
"Remus . . . " he looked from Draco to Remus.
"I can't stay long."
The heart yearns
"I said 'I can't stay long," Remus closed his eyes, and squeezed Draco's hand back. "He said 'You're not real, are you?'"
"You're not real, are you?" He looked at Draco again. Draco didn't seem Remus or seemed unwilling to acknowledge his presence. Draco watched as Remus took in the sight of his beaten uncle, his hand grasping at the bars, now for support. He saw Remus swallow hard and choke when he saw that Sirius was sitting in a growing pile of blood that seemed to be appearing from nowhere. He choked in a sob and nodded his head slightly.
Draco watched as the strange man walked away, he stared at the man, unsure. The man's word echoed around his head as Lucius dragged him off, telling him not to talk to Uncle Siri again.
Draco closed his eyes tightly as well and for a moment neither of them were in the room, neither were at the funeral. "And then you replied, very quietly,"
"No, I'm not."