A/N: So I just couldn't wait cause this chapter was someting needed in this dark story. I hope you enjoy! I think it is my favorite so far!
Enjoy!
xoxoDij
I found myself much calmer, after what seemed like days worth of crying but sadly it was only twilight of the same day. At some point in my hysterics I was moved to Edward's room. Why I was put there I still don't know. I was alone looking out the wall of windows towards the multi colored sky. I was trying to let today's entire events sink in but I had trouble letting go of what had been instilled into me so long ago.
A soft knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts.
"Bella, darling."
I turned and tried to give the gentlest smile I could to Esme. She warmly returned the smile though small trace amounts of guilt hung in her eyes.
"If you need anything let me know okay?"
Oh how this wonderful woman was so selfless, she was still putting me ahead of her own needs. She was worried about me and my well being.
"Thanks, I will."
She smiled again and left the room. I felt bad for occupying Edward's room, I was sure he probably wanted to spend some time alone, hell if I were him I would too. As I reached for the door it seem to open on its own accord. I stood still as the sent of honey lilac and sun powered my senses; I didn't need the door to swing open fully to know exactly who it was. I stepped back and made my way over to Edward's black leather couch. I sat down and took a deep breath.
"I'm glad to see your doing better."
His voice was sincere but I wondered if it would stay that way when I asked the things I needed to know.
"Edward do you think we can talk."
I looked up into his face which posed fearfulness and relief. He smiled slightly and nodded his head. I motioned for him to come take a seat next to me on the couch. As he moved I asked my first question.
"Why am I like this?"
The question stopped Edward dead in his tracks. It wasn't the first question I wanted to purpose but it was the first one that reached my mouth. I instantly regretted it the second it slipped out.
"Bella."
His voice was etched in the same sorrow and guilt from earlier; I quickly came up with another question.
"Why did you leave?"
He seemed more focused with this new question and found his place on the couch next to me. He looked into my eyes though I could not return the gaze. I involuntary gasped when he took my hands in his.
"I wasn't lying when I said my kind was a danger to you. I was trying to keep you safe and I thought if you could move on it would be okay. Obviously as we can see where we are now, that didn't work out so."
He began to rub my hand with his thumb. The gesture bothered but soothed me at the same time. I found myself yearning to know the answer to my first question so I tried to ask again.
"Edward, why am I like this? Do you know who change me?"
I was surprised with the amount of conviction I had. Once again the sorrow that consumed him began to reappear. He attempted to dismiss the question.
"It is a long story."
I held my ground. "We have time, all the time in the world. Please. I need to know."
I made sure my voice was pleading at the end. I knew it would be his undoing and he would have to tell me the truth. The truth that I wasn't sure if I truly wanted to know.
"Bella, I'm sure you remember that day in the woods in Maine."
I nodded, "Yes, some of it. The end is what is a blur to me."
He continued without hesitation, "I had killed Victoria. I can't begin to express the amount of anger and rage that consumed me. Letting her hurt you like that, it was sinful like defying the gods, trying to kill an angel."
I looked up into his eyes as they became distant. He was reliving his worst memory because I had asked him to.
"The whole family had arrived as the fire of the horrible woman began to reach its peak…" He paused taking an unneeded breath. "Bella… I didn't even check on you. I assumed you were dead."
The guilt and pain was clearly consuming his voice. I didn't know if I should let him continue but he did.
"The winds blew dragging your scent to me, cascading over me and I knew it was like you were saying goodbye. But Alice…Alice broke through to me and made me see that you were still alive."
He stopped rubbing my hand and I knew he was reaching his breaking point, his voice began to shake but I couldn't have him stop I needed to know.
"We walked over to you and you still had a heartbeat. It was so faint that any normal human would have already claimed you for dead. And then Alice put the thought in my head…. She wanted you turned right that instant but I couldn't do it, Bella. I couldn't destroy you. Carlisle joined us and began attending to you the best he could. His resources were limited and knew his efforts would be in vain."
He took a moment to compose himself to continue. Flashes of that day began to play in a blurry haze; it was hard to make out anything besides voices and colors.
"You were fading in and out of consciousness and it was only a matter of minutes before you were gone. Then you opened your beautiful brown eyes and apologized. You! Apologizing for putting me through pain! You were the one dying and you still cared more about me than yourself. I couldn't find a way to be more disgusted with myself. Then you smiled weakly and closed you eyes. Your heart becoming fainter by the second..."
I was staring at him wide-eyed as his gaze still held in the distance. I squeeze his hand to encourage him to continue.
"It was like something snapped in me at that point. I couldn't lose you, not being able to look into your eyes whether you hated me or loved me. I would take anything. I knew I was doing something so incredibly wrong but it was like my selfishness finally won. I bent down to you and whispered into your ear that I was incredibly sorry. I didn't know if you'd forgive me for what I was about to do but I did it. I bit you Bella."
His eyes seemed to be pulled back to the present as I looked at him with my mouth slightly drawn open. The guilt was evident as he held my gaze.
"Bella, it's me. Me. I'm the one who damned you to this life."
He brought one of his hands to my neck and touched it so lightly, carefully. I quickly realized that – that must have been where he bit me.
"Edward." My voice was soft. I couldn't bare hurting him not after what I had just made him do.
"If I only knew you had so much pain and resentment towards me, I would have never…"
I pulled away from him. Was he saying he regretted turning me? A new flood of sickness began to overtake me.
"Bella! No! No, I don't regret turning you at all."
He caught a strand of hair and pushed it behind my ear. His face was saddened again and we sat in silence for a few minutes. I felt it was best if I tried to prod him again.
"If you bit me, why was I buried?"
He looked out the window with a heavy sigh, his eyes gazing into the distance again.
"I bit you and you had no reaction whatsoever. Your pulse was flat and none of us could hear your heart anymore. Looking back it must have been the venom coating it so quickly making the illusion that you we're truly dead. So we brought you home to Forks and had you buried. If we knew; Bella… I swear we would have never done it."
He hesitated again, "I never left your grave, I couldn't fathom that even in my selfishness of trying to save you, it didn't work. I left on the third day, the third day! I could have found you if I had stayed but Carlisle begged me and Alice to come home. We were both so distraught; he hated seeing us like that. Then he broke the news that we had to leave and it nearly killed me. Then Alice had a vision of you, covered in dirt and your eyes...the most gorgeous shade of crimson I had ever seen and I knew I had to try and go after you."
He paused and his face slowly began to creep into a small soft smile. "And that leaves us to where we are today."
He took my hand back in his and began rubbing it with his thumb again. I looked down at our hands intertwined and smiled.
"Thanks, I think that helps clear up a lot of things."
I couldn't find myself to be angry with him or the rest of the Cullens at that moment. It was a huge misunderstanding on everyone's part and now I truly understood why the guilt lurked in everyone's eyes. Edward released his hands from my own and stood up. He began to make his way to the door when he turned back around.
"Anytime, Bella. Anytime."
He was at the door when I began to panic. "Edward?"
He turned around and looked at me. My breathing hitched as I paused nervously when he looked into my eyes, I knew it was now or never.
"I love you."
His face was stunned for half a second before I saw his crooked smile appear.
"You've always held my heart Bella… and now for all of eternity."