"Rest in peace, Chloe," Starr murmured softly after she had spoken to her for several minutes, placing a rose on the headstone.
She'd tried to make a habit of coming here ever since she discovered the truth, having developed something of a connection to this baby that had never been given a chance, after all the time she'd spent talking to her. It made her heart ache to think of all those times she had come here and spoken to the wrong child, to think of how long her headstone hadn't even said the right name.
With a deep breath, Starr rose to her feet and began to wander through the cemetery, looking for a particular grave; she'd been wanting to do this for a while now, and it just seemed right. Finally locating the right headstone, Starr smiled cautiously.
"Hi, Dr. Joplin," she said softly, carefully setting the rest of the bouquet done. "It's Starr. With everything that's happened with Hope and Chloe, I thought it only seemed right to come talk to you. I always knew you weren't to blame for my baby's death, and I'm just...oh, God," she sighed, surprised by the hot tears suddenly burning her eyes. She quickly brushed them away.
"I'm just so sorry that you thought you were, that the guilt led you to do this. I didn't know you very well, but Schuyler talks about you a lot, and so I know you were a really amazing women, and I know from experience that you were a wonderful doctor. I liked you a lot. Schuyler tells me all the time not to feel this way, but I can't help still feeling guilty for what my dad to you, and what happened with the baby switch, all of it. Honestly, I still don't understand how Schuyler doesn't regret me ever coming into your lives," she admitted quietly. "If I hadn't come along, my dad never could have blackmailed you, he couldn't have made you feel like you did something wrong with Hope because you were distracted, Bess couldn't have made you believe she was dead. You'd still be around if you just hadn't met me…Schuyler would still have his mom. You'd get to see what he's become.
"You know, I think you'd be really proud of him," she said, a small smile appearing through her tears as she thought of him. "No, I know it, actually. It sounds like you always had faith in him, even at his worst, and he really proved you right. I know he wishes you could see how he's changed- I do too. I just…really wish I could have gotten to know you. Although, all things considered, I don't know if you would have liked me very much," she laughed sadly.
"She would have loved you."
Starr whipped around in surprise, smiling nervously when she saw Schuyler standing behind her, his own flowers in hand. Throwing a quick cautious look around the cemetery, Schuyler settled for greeting her with a warm smile, both knowing it was best to keep a physical distance, just to be safe.
"That much I know; my mother was a woman of good taste. What are you doing here?" he asked as he set the flowers down.
"I, uh, just wanted to talk to your mom- I hope that's okay," she said hesitantly, nervously licking her lips.
"Starr, of course it is- it's more than okay."
"How much of that did you hear?" she asked sheepishly.
"Pretty much everything from your apology on," Schuyler said, furrowing his brow. "I really wish you wouldn't blame yourself, Starr," he sighed, fighting to keep himself where he was; it was killing him to be unable to touch her right now. "No part of that mess was in any way your fault."
"Well, I wish you had better self esteem," she replied, smiling weakly, shrugging. "These are the burdens we bear."
"Starr-"
"So, are you busy tonight?" she interrupted quickly. Schuyler gazed at her for a moment, debating whether or not to push it, and decided he could let it go for now.
"Unfortunately," he said apologetically. "I'll be at the center tonight."
"You don't usually volunteer on this day," she noted curiously.
"Oh, I'm not counseling today; I have a narcotics anonymous meeting."
"You still go?" Starr asked in surprise. Schuyler nodded.
"Not regularly, but yeah, I do. The guy who runs the meetings has been clean for thirteen years and he still goes to his meetings too; you have to keep up with it. It's when you get too complacent that you're putting yourself in a dangerous situation."
Starr fell silent, just quietly looking at the grave for a minute; he'd made comments similar to that one before, and it tugged at this twisted curiosity she had inside of her.
"Do you ever still want the drugs?" she finally asked, so quietly that he barely caught it; Starr kept her gaze downcast, worried that she had pushed too far. Schuyler didn't say anything for a long time, and finally sighed grimly.
"I wish I could just say no, but I never want to be anything less than completely honest with you, so…yeah, once in a great while," he admitted, a hint of self loathing in his tone that made Starr's heart ache. She stared at him intently, creeping closer. "Drugs became my coping mechanism for the longest time, and when bad things happen, I occasionally feel that urge flare up. When I found out my mother had killed herself, I came…really close," he admitted roughly, eyes darkening with shame. Starr reactively reached out to take his hand in hers, but quickly let go as she realized they were in public, frustration surging through her body; she hated this sometimes. "I had to go to my sponsor's house and practically have him handcuff me to a chair. The day of her funeral was rough too. I sometimes still have…nightmares," he muttered vaguely. "and when I wake up from them, for just a second, I crave it."
Starr wondered what kind of nightmares these were, but decided she'd asked more than enough today and didn't look request details, gazing at him with patient, understanding eyes.
"I've never noticed you having nightmares," she allowed herself to mention curiously. Schuyler smiled slightly.
"That's because they don't happen when you're with me. When you're there and I can hold you, everything else just… goes away." Starr felt a rush of happiness to know she brought him even a fraction of the peace he brought her.
"You make it all go away for me too," she said quietly. "And I'm glad I do that for you. Thank you for being honest with me, Schuy."
"I wish I was stronger than that," he sighed after a beat. "I wish being honest meant I could tell you something else, but-"
"Stronger?!" Starr interrupted in disbelief, frantically shaking her head. "Schuyler, come on! Look at you, look how far you've come! I admit, I can't claim I understand what addiction's like, because I don't, but it seems like you're doing amazing to me. It hasn't been that long since you got clean in the first place; to only want it in your worst moments, for seconds, and to never give in? That's strength. You expect way too much of yourself, you know that?" Schuyler opened his mouth to reply, but Starr pressed on. "I don't know if this even means anything, but after hearing everything you've told me about who you used to be and seeing who you are now, I'm proud of you, Schuyler; it says a lot that I still can't even begin to picture you that way, that it's not even possible based on my image of who you are now."
"Of course that means something, Starr," Schuyler broke in, sounding truly startled that she could think anything else. "That means everything."
Starr slowly smiled, touched that what she thought of him mattered so much. After a moment, she managed to tear her eyes from his and lightly tapped the headstone in front of them.
"And like I said; I know she'd be proud too."
Schuyler bowed his head for a minute, taking a shaky breath, and Starr felt a desperate need to offer some kind of comfort, be near him, but managed to resist.
"Thank you, Starr," he said to her quietly, quickly scanning the graveyard once more for safety before looking back to her. "I love you, y'know that?"
"So I've heard," Starr replied playfully, secretly wondering if she was ever going to stop feeling breathless when he said those words to her. "I love you too," she returned seriously, having no idea that her words were making it just as painful for him not to touch her as it was for her. "I should probably get going, huh? Give you a minute with your mom before you have to get to the center."
"You don't have to-"
"I should," she interrupted, smiling. "Just call me later tonight, okay?"
"Of course. Oh, Starr," he called after her quickly as she turned to leave, recalling something. "Uh, hey, mentioning the center just reminded me; did anyone tell you Cole's being released today?"
"What? No," Starr said with wide eyes, nervously playing with the end of her hair as she paused for a beat. "Do you think he's ready?"
"My opinion doesn't really matter."
"But I want to know; do you think he's going to keep going the way he has been, getting better?"
"Honestly?" Schuyler sighed, shrugging. "No. I really hope Cole proves me wrong, but from what I've seen, the only reason Cole's clean is because he doesn't have access to pills, not because he's committed to giving them up. Once he knows he's not under supervision and doesn't have to take a drug test at any moment, and his dealer comes around again, I think Cole's going to fall into addiction all over, and it's a cycle that's just going to repeat again and again until he can admit he has a problem and commit to fixing it."
Starr sighed as well now, nervously biting her lip as she pictured Cole's angry outbursts when he was high.
"In that case, I hope for once that you're wrong too. Talk to you tonight?"
"Talk to you tonight."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
With a low groan of frustration, Langston irritably threw her pencil at the wall; it must be a requirement that all teachers at this school enjoy giving out cruel amounts of work or something.
Giving up on trying to analyze the symbolism in the book for English class, Langston stood and walked out of her room, heading to Starr's to see if she was up for a break too.
"Hey, Starr! You up for getting some ice cream, visiting Markko for a while? I have to get away from homework for a while, or I'm going to go…"
Langston trailed off as she got to Starr's door and heard her voice inside, realizing her friend was talking on the phone and hadn't even heard her. She leaned against the frame to wait, not trying to eavesdrop, but unable to help overhearing.
"Yeah, that's great. Okay; I've got a couple things to finish up here anyway. Alright. See you tomorrow! I love you, Schuyler."
Langston, who had idly been resting against the wall, suddenly bolted upright as if she'd been shocked, her eyes growing wide as her stomach dropped to her feet; what? What the hell was that? Schuyler? As in, Mr. J? Langston's head spun wildly as she processed what she'd overheard, making her feel dizzy.
Starr had just told Schuyler she loved him. She was talking to him in a way no student would talk to their teacher, and then she had friggin' told him she loved him, like it was no big deal…like she'd done it before…like she was sure of what the response would be. What the hell was going on?! How had this gone from being a simple crush to whatever it was Langston had just heard?
Spurred on by her wild, confused thoughts, Langston suddenly began to move without even realizing what she was doing, seizing the doorknob and dramatically throwing the door open. Starr jumped, then laughed as she saw her best friend, relaxing.
"Hey, Lang; for future reference, a little warning would be good if you're going to-"
"'I love you, Schuyler'?" Langston blurted out, her tone both questioning and demanding. Starr instantly froze in place, her heart seizing with a cold chill.
"Oh my God," she uttered, to herself more than anyone. Langston stared at her in disbelief.
"So that is what I heard?" Starr clenched her eyes shut, breathing violently, and Langston knew it was confirmation. "What is going on, Starr?!" she shrieked.
"Okay, Langston, just let me explain!" Starr cried desperately, rushing to her side.
"Uh, hi, that's what I want too! Just tell me this much right now- is Mr. J- Schuyler, whatever- like…your boyfriend?" After a lengthy pause, Starr bit her lip and nodded.
"Yes," she whispered. "That's exactly what he is."
"Oh my God!" Langston shouted. "Since when?!"
"Since the night Cole went to rehab," she admitted meekly, hoping the length of time she'd been hiding this wouldn't make it worse.
To her surprise, Langston suddenly softened, her eyes filling with sympathy as she gazed at Starr, shaking her head.
"Oh, Starr. That's what this is about?"
"What?" she asked with a frown, startled. "What do you mean?"
"You were upset about Cole going to rehab, so you turned to Schuyler?"
"Oh my God!" Starr now said the words in disbelief, recoiling. "No! Nonononono, that is not even remotely what happened, Langston!"
"Well, that's what it sounds like! It sounds like you were upset about the guy you're still in love with getting shipped off to rehab, so you turned to the guy you've been going to this whole time to deal with your feelings for Cole. Maybe you did develop a real crush or something in the process, Starr, I'll give you that, but even if you did, it sounds like he's a jerk and he took advantage-"
"No it doesn't!" Starr shouted, horrified by what Langston was saying. "That's just what you want to hear! You don't know what happened and you're just projecting what you want to believe! God, this is why I didn't tell you already!" she snapped.
"Why? Because I care and-"
"Don't make it sound like that's what you're doing! This isn't because you care about me, it's about Cole," Starr accused, her eyes hardened; she'd been completely unprepared to deal with her worst fears about her best friend's reaction being realized, and was completely on the defensive now. "You are always on his side lately, always!"
"Cole's side is your side, Starr, you just don't see that!"
"Excuse me?! Langston, you and Cole don't get to decide that, I do! I do not want Cole, I do not love him- I don't know how to make that any clearer!"
"Oh, but you love Schuyler now?" she snorted dismissively. Starr clenched her fists, feeling her stomach twist; hearing her relationship mocked like that, by her best friend in the world, physically hurt.
"Yes, I do," she said, calming down and saying the words clearly and firmly, hoping it would make Langston understand. "And he loves me."
"No he doesn't, Starr! There's no way. But you know what? Cole does. Cole has always loved you, and what you guys have is real. You've spent time building what you guys have, and it's solid, just going through a rough patch right now, but that's no reason to give up and turn to some fantasy you've created with our teacher. And honestly, I think it's kind of messed up that when Cole needs you the most, you're not there because you're too busy having an affair with-"
"Langston, shut up," Starr hissed. She spoke quieter than ever, but the words were dripping with venom, and Langston instantly did as she was told, appearing genuinely startled. "Cole doesn't love me. He thinks he does, and you too, apparently, but Cole wouldn't…he wouldn't treat me the way he always has if he loved me, and I know that because Schuyler has shown me how a guy who loves you is supposed to treat you- what we have is not some affair.
"And I'm sorry, but it's not my responsibility to save Cole, and I couldn't even if it was; he's not going to get off pills because he gets back together with his girlfriend, that doesn't even make sense! Cole has to save himself, he has to get clean for himself; it won't mean anything and it won't last otherwise. And it's really unfair of you to try and put that burden on me."
"Since when is Cole a burden to you? Is that the kind of stuff Mr. J says to you about him?"
To both of their surprise, instead of firing right back, Starr now just seemed to crumple, her shoulders slumping as she buried her head in her hands miserably.
"You just don't understand, Langston, you're not even trying to."
"You're right," Langston snapped in frustration. "I don't understand why you're doing this, and I don't understand why you never told me."
Before Starr could say a word, Langston spun on her heel and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. Starr stared after her blankly for a moment, feeling numb, but it didn't last; something inside of her twisted painfully, and with a choked sob, Starr collapsed into tears, falling to her knees as she bawled helplessly; it felt like she had just lost her best friend, and her heart felt broken.
Starr reflexively reached for the phone to call Schuyler, knowing he was the only person who could make her feel better now, but she quickly stopped, realizing that wasn't an option. He would blame himself for ruining her friendship with Langston or something, freak out, and Starr was not going to do anything that meant risking him pulling away from her all over again out of guilt, it wasn't an option. So, instead, Starr just curled up in a ball and cried her heart out in the silence of her room.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starr was lying on her bed quietly two hours later, trying to no avail to fall asleep since she had no energy to do anything else, when there was a soft knock at her door.
"Mom, whoever, please go away," she called out weakly.
"It's Langston," came the timid response. "Can I, um, please come in?"
"Oh, uh…yeah," she called back, still not budging from where she was. The door opened slowly and Langston poked her head in; she had an expression of shame on her face, and Starr instantly relaxed; at least she didn't seem to be back for round two.
"Hey," she said nervously, walking over and hesitantly perching on the end of the bed.
"Hey," Starr said cautiously, waiting for her to explain.
"So, I, uh, went to go see Markko when I left. To rant, really," she admitted sheepishly. "I replayed our conversation for him, word for word-" Starr suddenly bolted upright, appearing terrified.
"Langston, you-"
"No, no, not the Mr. J stuff!" Langston said quickly. "Just the stuff about Cole, basically. I was expecting him to completely agree with me, and instead, he got mad, and he said you were right, and um, Markko and I proceeded to have a nice long talk," she laughed nervously. "And he made me realize that I had been…"
"Completely unreasonable?"
"A complete bitch," Langston said bluntly; Starr couldn't help laughing. "And then I thought about the parts I hadn't even told him, and realized that if my best friend hid the biggest thing in her life from me for so long, it had to be for a reason, and that reason had to be because I haven't been a very good friend. You were right; your side is the one you say it is, period, and I really want to be on your side, always, just like you've always been on mine, sooo…I'm hear to listen. If you even want to talk," she added hastily. Starr quickly smiled.
"I do! I want to talk. You have no idea how much I've wanted to be able to tell you all about him, and us."
"So, why didn't you?" Langston asked, trying to sound as non judgmental as possible. Starr shrugged uncomfortably.
"You'd been trying like crazy to push me and Cole together. Everytime I tried to talk about Schuyler, all you did was insult my feelings and tell me it was a crush that would never be anything more, that it wasn't real, that it was about Cole, that I should just go back to him."
"Because I didn't understand, Starr. Since when do you just give up? You could have explained everything to me and made me understand. That's what I want you to do now. If you need to shake me or something to get your points across, then do it, go crazy!" Starr giggled.
"Hopefully that won't be necessary. Okay, um…wow, where to start?" she muttered to herself.
"Oh, wait; can I say one more thing first?"
"Sure."
"Um, it was about what you said, about it being unfair of me to expect you to save Cole; Markko and I talked about that a lot, and, you're absolutely right," she sighed. "You couldn't if you wanted to, it's up to him, and it's not your job to do that, and I was being a hypocrite; I mean, I wasn't exactly rushing in to save him from himself either, even though I was supposedly so worried. Honestly, Starr, I don't think I ever really believed it was your responsibility.
"I think I was just so scared about what was happening to my friend, and it made it worse that I couldn't understand why or what we could do to help, so I needed to tell myself there was just something we weren't doing; something simple that we could just do that would make him better, and I happened to decide you were it; that if you went back to him it would save our friend and he was only as bad as he was because you were refusing. I know that's really horrible-"
"It's not- that makes sense."
"But it wasn't fair. I expected all that of you just because you guys were such a great couple, like being a great couple again was somehow gonna make him not want pills anymore. I'm sorry, Starr."
"Well, you're forgiven," Starr said gently. There was a pregnant pause as Starr tried to figure out how to say what she wanted to. "Langston…why do you think Cole and I were such a great couple? I mean, you keep saying how real and powerful what we had was, but…why? What did we have? Don't just give me some general 'You were perfect together', I want a real reason, an example. What did he and I ever talk about that was real, deep? What did we ever really get about each other that nobody else could? What was so special about us that it made us any different than any other couple of melodramatic teenagers who think they're the next Romeo and Juliet?"
Langston automatically opened her mouth to reply, but slowly shut it, furrowing her brow as she realized she didn't have a real, meaningful answer or example to give.
"You have Hope," she tried weakly. Starr cocked her head and gave her a look.
"Do I even really need to get into why that means nothing about us as a couple?"
"No," Langston said sheepishly. "I was grasping at straws there."
"I think you have this image of me and Cole being the greatest love of the ages because what we had was pretty serious for teenagers, and because we were all so young when it started, and when you're young, it does seem like a huge deal- that image just kind of stuck with you, but you've gotta let it go because it's not reality. Cole and I were never meant to be more than what we were, we just weren't. We don't love each other, and we've just…I don't know, outgrown each other. Dating Cole, at least to me, would be like…trying to wear a pair of shoes that don't fit anymore just because they used to be my favorite and they're still really comfortable. Does that just sound weird?" she asked, laughing. Langston giggled, shaking her head.
"No, I think I'm getting it. So, um…what you and Mr- er, Schuyler- have is real?" she asked slowly, unable to help but notice the way her friend's face lit up into a brilliant smile just at the sound of his name.
"Yeah, it is. Langston, I have been falling for him since the first time we talked after class, and I tried to fight it, we both did, especially him, but we can't, and I don't want to. I know I say this like, every time we talk about him, but it's true; he and I just have this connection. I don't even fully understand it, but he gets me like I never thought anybody could, and I get him, and I'm just drawn to him. Knowing I have him makes me feel so much less alone. And I'm so happy, Langston," she told her friend, pressing her hand to her heart as grinned. Her voice was thick with emotion, and Langston had to smile just at the sight of her friend in such a good place; it was impossible not to believe her words when she looked like that.
"You really love him, huh?"
"I really do."
"And he loves you back, right?"
"Unbelievably, yes," she laughed, still giddy that she could say that. Langston scoffed.
"Unbelievable, please; he loves you back because he's smart, you remember that." Starr lit up at her friend's accepting tone.
"So, you're…okay with this?" she questioned hopefully, not daring to believe yet.
"Yeah," Langston said simply, shrugging. "I mean, it's a little strange still, and it'll take some adjusting. But I love you, and you're happy, and this seems like it's been good for you, so…okay," she said simply, shrugging.
Starr stared at her in shock for a moment, then suddenly squealed, throwing her arms around her friend in a grateful hug, knocking them both off the bed and onto the floor as they both laughed hysterically.
"I love you, Langston, I really do. I swear, I am going to make it up to you for keeping this a secret so long. Whatever you want, I'll do it!"
"You might regret that eventually," she laughed. "But for now, let's just start with you telling me everything about him."
Starr spent the next hour explaining how she and Schuyler had finally gotten together to Langston, telling her about everything that had happened with them since, and Langston seemed to forget about her hesitancy about supporting the relationship fully, getting more and more into it and more and more excited about them, even squealing when Starr described Schuyler telling he'd loved her, just as Starr had been doing internally ever since then.
"Okay, so what else?!" Langston asked eagerly.
"Sorry, Langston, that's about where we leave off," she laughed. "We've hit the 'To be continued' mark."
"What? You're not leaving out any details?" Langston asked suspiciously.
"Of course not- like what?"
"Liiiike, have you guys ever…" Langston just waggled her eyebrows, looking at her pointedly.
"Oh my God, Langston!" Starr squealed.
"Uh-uh, Starr, that's not an answer! You said you'd do anything to make it up to me!"
"And this is what you want?!" she demanded, cracking up. Langston rolled her eyes, throwing a pillow at her.
"I'm a perv, big deal. Come on, we're teenage girls, we're supposed to talk about boyfriends and how far we've gone and all that, and you have a lot of catching up to do!"
"Okay, I guess. Um, no, we haven't. Not for lack of trying on my part, though," she admitted quietly, a faint blush tingeing her cheeks. Langston gave a dramatic gasp.
"Starr, you little minx."
"I can't help it!" she laughed, growing serious as she blushed furiously now. "I love him so much, Langston, and I really want…oh God, I can't believe I'm talking about this- I just really want to be with him in that way, really be with him completely. We've come close- uh, really close after prom," she muttered. Langston gasped.
"I knew you looked like you had near sex hair when you came back! Ugh, this is why you're supposed to listen to your instincts."
"But he always stops; I think he's trying to be responsible or something, but he's killing me- I just want him so much."
"Ooh, you know what? You should wait until he gets in the shower, and then when he's in just a towel, just like, start throwing your clothes off and really go for it; see how well he can resist then!" Starr looked at her friend with wide eyes, appearing stunned by the suggestion, and Langston shrugged. "I watch a lot of TV when I should be doing homework, it gives you ideas."
"Uh, thanks, but I don't really think he'd be into that," Starr giggled. "Jeez, Lang, I can't believe in three or four hours, you went from hating the idea of us and fighting it, to trying to help me seduce him."
"It's a girl's prerogative to change her mind," Langston sniffed. Both girls laughed again. "Honestly, Starr, I never had a problem with Mr. J himself or the idea of you two, hard as that may be to believe; it was just getting past the you and Cole thing that I had to deal with. I'm cool now."
"Well, I'm glad."
"So, I have to ask; just how serious would you say you guys are?"
"Well, um, he gave me a key to his place," Starr said quietly, slowly smiling as she thought about it. "And I all but live there, honestly; pretty much whenever I'm not with you, I'm there. So I guess pretty serious."
"Wow. Wow. Nevermind the fact that you've got a boyfriend who has a 'place', you have a key to it and practically live there. Wow. Isn't this weird to think about- I mean, you're so together and mature, and you have a child, and you're dating a twenty-three year old, and your relationship is all, like, committed and domestic already, while not so long ago, you and Britney were, like, fighting over who got to go to prom with the hot boy in school."
"You make it sound like I'm middle aged! Don't act like I'm all fully matured now or something!"
"You're not?"
"Would I have wanted to deck Adriana just for calling Schuyler hot if I was?"
"Yeah, probably not," she snickered, as Starr thought about what she'd said.
"Hey, can you imagine if Britney was still here?"
"Oh, God," Langston laughed. "I think our only option would be to kill her, Starr, honestly, because she would never let this go".
"I wonder whatever happened to her."
"Oh, let me tell you, Starr, boarding school bitches don't mess; I'm sure she's getting a taste of her own medicine these days."
"Ah, nice thought. Think we could write someone at the school and convince them to send us a tape?"
"Well, it's always worth a try," she giggled. There was a moment of peaceful silence, and Langston gazed at her friend with a warm smile. "Thanks for forgiving me, Starr, for making me understand."
"Thank you for just…everything tonight. But I hope you know this means I'm going to be gushing to you all the time now."
"Looking forward to it."