"Staaaarr!" Langston sang out brightly as she approached her friend's room, unable to believe she was in such a good mood after the way this day had started.
She'd been hoping to get home before the school could call and dodge all the adults, but that hadn't exactly happened- Dickinson had called long ago, and Dorian had actually been standing in front of the door waiting for her, which had nearly given Langston a heart attack. To her complete shock, though, Dorian had actually taken the Cole route and congratulated her for fighting for what was hers, though she recommended taking a more subtle approach to revenge in the future, going for the psychological instead of physical- apparently, catfights were very unbecoming.
She'd forced her to then sit through another long talk about losing her virginity, which was punishment enough itself as far as Langston was concerned, and to Langston's mortification, made sure she still had the condoms she'd given her that morning, before quietly telling her that her punishment would begin tomorrow, apparently realizing Langston would just sneak out if she grounded her tonight anyway.
However, Starr didn't need to know any of this had happened; Langston fully intended to use Starr thinking she needed to sneak out to have one last night of freedom to her advantage.
"Starr, are you ready to…" Langston slowly trailed off as she opened the door to Starr's room, and was greeted by music blaring from the stereo. She squinted, trying to see where Starr was as the room was in total darkness, and finally spotted a lump under the covers. "Uh, Starr?" she shouted over the music. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Listening to my theme song," Starr wailed dramatically.
"Oh, God, you're turning into me, I don't know how I feel about that," Langston muttered to herself. She listened to Starr's supposed theme song curiously, and groaned when she recognized that it was "Little Miss Obsessive." "Okay, first of all, don't ever call something sung by Ashlee Simpson your theme song, that's disgusting."
She managed to locate the stereo remote and quickly turned the music off with a relieved sigh, also flicking on a lamp before tossing the covers off her friend; Starr sighed but didn't complain and pulled herself up to a sitting position, flinching as light flooded her eyes. They adjusted a minute later, and Starr suddenly gasped as she looked her friend.
"Yeah, I know, my eye looks disgusting."
"Oh, um, no, no," Starr struggled to reassure her. "It's not that bad, I just-"
"No, it's okay, I've accepted it," Langston informed her, smiling. Starr managed a small giggle before gazing at her sympathetically.
"So, what'd you get?"
"Two day suspension, and I'm going to be selling tickets for every school event from here on out until I graduate, and doing various other odd jobs around the school," Langston sighed.
"Ouch, that sucks. Dorian know yet?"
"Would I be here talking to you if she did? Nobody's seen you either, right?"
"Nope, I made sure to be stealthy for you."
"Whew, okay, good. That's what I'm here for, actually; I'm pretty sure this is the last night of freedom I'm going to have for a good long while, and you need to come out so I can celebrate properly and go out with a bang." Starr suddenly burst out laughing, then blushed and looked at her apologetically. Langston frowned in confusion for a moment, then raised an eyebrow as she got it. "Excuse me, gutter mind, were you just thinking about Operation Deflower?"
"Sorry," Starr said sheepishly, laughing.
"No, don't be- I've finally corrupted you, that's awesome."
"I, um, just assumed that if this is your final night of freedom, you might want to...put that plan into action," Starr explained awkwardly.
"Oh, I do. Assuming I can convince Markko not to be furious with me because of the fight, you're totally going to be sexiled at some part of the evening, but you can and should have fun with us up until then."
"Sexiled?"
"It's so a word. You know, this is not exactly how I pictured it," Langston sighed in disappointment. "I just had this visual of us getting all dressed up, and going out to some fancy, elegant restaurant, and then going to a really nice hotel and having this beautiful room, all filled with candles and roses…not me, like, jumping him because it might be the last chance I get, looking all gross like this. Part of me feels like I should hold off until we can have that fantasy, but I know I can't wait any longer to be with him."
"Oh, Langston; first of all, you do not look gross, far from it, and even if you did, it so wouldn't matter, none of it would. I can tell you personally that the fancy room and perfect mood setting and nice clothes aren't what make the moment great- honestly, I think when two people really love each other, all of that is unnecessary- being with each other is all that matters."
"You can tell me personally?" Langston repeated, curiously cocking her head to the side. "Are you talking about you and Cole?"
Starr suddenly froze, her eyes clouding over, and Langston flinched- could she be any stupider? Starr might not have ever made love with Schuyler, but they'd come close enough, she'd obviously be referring to him.
"Um, no," she said softly, bowing her head and taking a deep breath; God, she was so exhausted from constantly struggling with this aching feeling in her chest. "I was thinking of Schuyler, and the after prom incident I told you about, actually," she admitted roughly, willing herself not to freak out and make this moment about herself when the focus needed to be Langston. "I was just in those ratty sweats I always wear at sleepovers, I was totally plain, we were just in his room at the ASM, and you know that place is not exactly 'elegant', and it was just another night, nothing particularly special about that one, but when I try to think about a perfect moment, that's the one that comes to mind," Starr said softly, shooting Langston a smile even as tears stung her eyes. "So don't worry about this not being the perfect fantasy you had in mind, okay?"
"Okay; thank you for the perspective, you're right," Langston agreed, smiling. "The two of us being together is all that matters, not where it happens." Starr just nodded in agreement as she sniffed, swiping her eyes with her sleeve; Langston, as usual, read her needs perfectly and pretended not to notice. "So, are you going to hurry up and get ready for my last night of freedom, or am I going to have to drag you of bed?"
"Believe it or not, I'm actually not going to fight you for once," Starr laughed, sliding out of bed and settling in front of her mirror. She fussed with her hair for a second then cautiously peeled the bandage off, sighing when she saw the cut was already closed and hardly noticeable; awesome, she'd subjected herself to that moment in the classroom for nothing. "Since we're both spending the summer cooped up in this house, I have a feeling we're going to get very sick of each other, so we should enjoy this last night of being free and still loving each other."
Langston tried not to smirk and give it away that she sincerely doubted Starr was going to be spending much time at the house this summer.
"Oh, you should probably grab your toothbrush and a change of clothes," she noted casually. "Since I have to cover for me and Markko being together the entire night, I left a note for your mom and Dorian saying that we're going to Erin's for a sleepover, and I guess you're going to have to actually go. I hope that's okay, I probably should have asked first."
"That's fine," Starr assured her. Though she wouldn't consider any of the girls in school genuinely her friends, Erin was one of the few girls she was at least friendly with, and she liked her well enough; and Langston had covered for her more than enough times, she owed her this one.
If it weren't for the fact that she was only fooling Starr for her own good, Langston might have started to feel a tad bit guilty at this point.
Starr gathered her things and Langston ushered her to the car, overdoing it just a tad as she all but forced Starr to exit the house like a spy, diving around corners and practically crawling on the floor.
Once they got driving, Langston instantly began rambling on about how she was planning on telling Markko about everything that'd happened that day, what she was going to do about Lola and how she was going to handle living with her after this, and anything else she could think of that kept Starr distracted and from paying too much attention to where Langston was driving. Ha, and Cole thought this was too simple to work.
"So, like, if Ray and Dorian decide to really freak me out and get married, what does that make Lola to me? She's my cousin and my sister?"
"You just missed your turn," Starr interrupted her, frowning.
"And Ray is my uncle and my step-father?" Langston pressed on as though she hadn't heard her.
"Langston, hello? We're picking up Markko, right? That was-""
"How funny would it be to walk around, telling people my uncle is marrying my mom? Can you imagine their faces? You and I could like-"
"Langston!" Starr cut her off nervously- Langston avoiding things was never a good sign. "We're picking up Markko, right?"
"Of course!"
"Then why did you just pass up the turn and ignore me telling you we passed the turn?"
"I…didn't hear you."
"Uh-huh. Well, you can turn around now."
"Um, I'm gonna go a different way," Langston muttered. Well, crap, she had officially lost control of the situation.
"Langston, what are you doing?" Starr snapped. "And don't you even tell me nothing, I'm not going to fall for that, you're being too weird. If we're not going to get Markko, then where…" Starr slowly trailed off, carefully looking out the window to see what direction they were headed, and then gasped, her hands flying to her mouth as her head whipped back around to Langston, pure panic in her eyes. "Langston!" she shrieked. "Please tell me we are not driving to angel square!"
"Are you gonna get even madder if I lie to you?"
"You are not doing what I think you're doing right now," Starr hissed.
"Well, see, you think I'm doing something stupid, and I'm really doing something great that you'll thank me for later, so that's true!"
"Langston, what are you doing?! Why would you do something like this? Why are you dragging me off to see Schuyler after everything that's happened? I can't take this, I can't! I can't deal with getting rejected all over again, I can't deal with seeing him with Stacy and having them both tell me to leave and seeing that he hates me for fighting with her, I just…I cannot handle this," Starr ranted frantically, already in tears, the now familiar pain in her heart growing so intense that Starr felt like she just wanted to dig into her chest and rip it out already.
"Hey, Starr," Langston began, her voice quiet and serious. "This is me, remember? I am your best friend, I love you- do you honestly think I would put you in a situation where you were going to get hurt? Do you think I would do anything but what's best for you?"
"Not intentionally!" Starr cried. "But for some reason, you still have hope for me and Schuyler, you think it can be fixed or something, that this is something fixable, and it's not, you can't fix the fact that he doesn't want me but apparently that's what you're trying to do, which is not okay, and you need to turn the car around now!"
"Okay, I wanted to save it all for him to tell you, but you look like you're about to fling yourself out of a moving vehicle, so I guess I don't really have a choice; Schuyler loves you, Starr. No, shh, don't argue with me!" she ordered when Starr shook her head and began to protest. "I'm sure you're going to freak over this, but look, Cole and I could not take seeing Schuyler being so stupid and you being so miserable anymore, so when Dickinson let me and Lola go, he and I got together and agreed to go confront Schuyler."
"You what?!"
"Look, Cole and I both knew he didn't mean anything he said to you, that this not wanting you crap and being with Stacy was all an act, and- what did I just say about shushing?!- and we were right, he admitted that, Starr!" Starr, who had been about to argue, instantly fell silent in surprise, her watery eyes filled with confusion.
"He…what?"
"It was like pulling teeth, believe me, but after we made it clear to Schuyler that you're miserable and much worse off without him-"
"Oh, God, you what?" Starr groaned in disbelief, digging her fingers into her hair.
"He realized that he'd made a mistake.He admitted that he basically panicked after what Zach did to you and blamed himself, and that once again, just like earlier this year when he lied and said you couldn't even be friends because you cause too many problems for him, he made up a bunch of crap because he thought he was protecting you. He flat out said this was just a charade and that pushing you away felt like he was ripping his heart out. He went on this big rant about how horrible he is and how much he sucks and isn't good enough for you, blah blah blah, but Cole and I talked some sense into him, and he gets now that his opinion of whether or not he's good enough for you doesn't matter, only yours does, and we explained to him all the ways he's good for you and why you guys belong together, and he gets it, so he's done being a dumbass- finally," Langston finished her ramble, took a deep breath, then flashed Starr a grin. "So, see, this is a good thing. You can express your gratitude in the form of a Starbucks gift card."
To Langston's surprise, there was no response from her friend; she'd expecting Starr to either give in or freak out and fight her even worse at this point- silence had not been anticipated. Finally, she took her eyes off the road long enough to check out Starr's reaction, and Langston felt a pang in her chest at the sight of Starr hunched over in her seat, digging at her wrists as she stared at the floor with heavy eyes; she was obviously seriously listening and contemplating what Langston had told her, but was too terrified to let herself get her hopes up.
"He could have just been saying what you two wanted to hear to get you off his back," Starr suggested quietly a moment later, right hand still at her left wrist.
"You're going to, like, slit your wrist with your fingernails if you don't stop it, and, no offense Starr, but that's stupid. If he just wanted us off his back, he wouldn't say something that would give us all hope and make us try even harder."
"But if he-"
"Okay, Starr, once again, I love you, but if you start going out of your way to come up with insane theories just to make yourself even more miserable, I swear to God I'm going to shove you out of a moving vehicle, because that's annoying as hell, and you and Schuyler have pissed me off way too much with your insistence upon being stupid recently, I've got a short fuse right now. How about you just mull this over silently until we get there, and you two can talk about everything and really have it out like the mature adult couple you're supposed to be?" Langston snapped in frustration, gripping the steering wheel tightly.
Starr gazed at her in wide-eyed surprise; Langston usually spoke to other people like that on her behalf, she didn't snap at her like that…so for her to do it now must have meant that she just might have a point. Starr took a deep breath, silently replaying everything Langston told her, her head admitting it made sense but her heart too scared to have any hope.
They drove to the ASM in silence (other than the sound of Starr nearly hyperventilating the closer they got), and finally, Langston breathed a sigh of relief as she parked, unable to believe she'd actually gotten Starr here.
"Okay, here we are! I'm just gonna make sure you get upstairs, then-"
"I can't do this, Langston!" Starr blurted out.
"Do what? You don't even know what's going to happen."
"Exactly!"
"Good things are what's going to happen, okay? I promise, you are about to be reunited with the man you love," Langston reassured her, exiting the car.
She walked to Starr's side, and all but dragged her friend, who was on the verge of a heart attack, out of her seat. Starr froze and Langston sighed, giving her a firm push. Starr reluctantly shuffled along until they were finally in the lobby, which was thankfully vacant right now- the last thing Starr, already so anxious and frazzled, needed right now was one of Roxy's long, rambling speeches.
"Does he know I'm coming here, Langston? What if he just thought-"
"Yes, he knows. Oh, hey, look at that," she suddenly noted, grinning as she noticed the pile of crap by the desk- apparently, Schuyler was handling this break-up much like she would.
"Look at wh…what is Stacy's stuff doing down here?" Starr asked slowly in confusion.
"Schuyler was pissed when Cole and I told him what Stacy did to you, he said he was going to break-up with her as soon as we left. Apparently, he doesn't even want to see her long enough just to give her her stuff." Starr was once again silent from shock as Langston guided her up the stairs, and Langston couldn't resist her next comment. "Now, Starr, remember, I already got Erin to cover for us, the 'rents think we're spending the night at her place, so if things get into bow chicka bow wow territory, that's fine, go with it."
"Oh my God, Langston! I'm still not convinced that he's not just going to tell me to get the hell out, I really doubt we're getting into that kind of territory."
"Well, just remember that you do have to spend the night somewhere, unless you're going to rob me of my last night with Markko," Langston reminded her, smiling and batting her eyes hopefully. Starr sighed.
"I'm sure I'll be spending the night at Erin's," she snapped.
"We'll see."
They finally reached Schuyler's door, and before Starr could turn and bolt, as she looked like she wanted to, Langston gripped her arm tightly and gave a short knock at the door. Schuyler opened it within seconds, obviously having been waiting on pins and needles for Starr's arrival, and Langston promptly shoved Starr through the doorway and directly into him; Schuyler caught her as the both stumbled back and they stared at her in disbelief.
"Langston," Schuyler sighed.
"Hey, I said I'd handle it- handled! You crazy kids have fun; see you tomorrow, Starr!"
Langston turned and walked away without another word, grinning broadly as she pulled the door shut behind her and left Starr and Schuyler alone in the tense silence of the room.
Starr quickly scrambled away from Schuyler, blushing, as she took a deep breath, her heart beating so violently that it felt like it was about to burst from her chest. The room was still quiet, with there so much needing to be said that neither could figure out where to begin, and finally, Starr sighed in frustration, unable to take this.
"Schuyler, I'm really sorry Cole and Langston bothered you, I'll make sure it doesn't happen again and I'll just-"
"Wait," Schuyler said quickly, gently grabbing Starr's arm as she started to move to the door. She froze, inhaling sharply, and looked up at him hopefully.
"Schuyler, it's okay, you don't have to humor me, I'm fine."
"I don't want you to go, Starr, please," he begged, voice quiet in it's intensity. "I have…a lot I need to explain to you."
"Explain?" she prompted as her heart skipped a beat, dropping her bag on the floor and moving further into the apartment to show she wasn't leaving as long as he wanted her there. Schuyler took a deep breath.
"Did, uh, Langston explain to you everything that happened…everything I said?" he asked nervously.
"Some of it," she answered softly, her heart now leaping to her throat over the idea that Langston may have been right after-all. Apparently it was time to get some answers. "She, um…she said you've been lying to me, about…not wanting me," she finished in a rush, giving a quick, small laugh, like she thought that was ridiculous. Hopefully, that way, if Langston had gotten it all wrong they could just brush this off and he wouldn't feel the need to give some 'letting her down gently' speech. "Is that…true?" she asked, holding her breath the second the question was out.
Schuyler, who had been nervously fidgeting and looking everywhere but directly at her, just as she'd been doing with him, finally stopped and looked her directly in the eyes, gazing at her intently; something about his expression left Starr breathless, and convinced that she could not have torn her eyes away from his even if she wanted to.
"Yes," he answered firmly.
For a second, Starr simply froze in utter shock as her chest tightened painfully, her throat feeling like it was closing up until she remembered that she still hadn't taken a breath. Starr forced herself to breathe, feeling something in her stomach twist; the rush of emotions that one word had brought on was overwhelming, but to her surprise, the one she was feeling the strongest was anger.
"You lied?" she managed to choke out after what felt like an eternity, during which Schuyler had watched her uncertainly, worried. "When you told me you didn't really love me, that you didn't want me, you lied?"
"Yes," he breathed, sounding shamed by this, his shoulders sagging. "Starr, I-"
Starr held up her hand to stop him- this was already too much to process, she couldn't have him adding more on yet. She abruptly spun on her heel, starting to pace the short length of the room as her head spun, making her feel dizzy.
"I don't understand. Why?" she demanded hotly, wheeling around to face him again. All those miserable nights spent crying herself to sleep, thinking the only guy she was ever going to love couldn't care less about her, had been for nothing? She'd gone through this agony for no reason? "Why would you lie? Why did you break-up with me in the first place? How could you…"
Much to Starr's frustration, her voice suddenly broke and she quickly fell silent, taking a shaky breath as tears pierced her eyes. Schuyler looked so hurt by seeing physical proof of how much pain he'd caused her that you'd think he just had the wind knocked out of him, and his disgust with himself grew.
"Starr," Schuyler murmured softly, starting to move towards her; he'd never been able to stay away from her when she was in pain, he couldn't control it.
"Don't," she snapped quickly, skittering away from him, causing Schuyler to flinch. She needed to think right now, and being near him was just…too intoxicating, it messed with her senses too much- it was why she'd kissed him in the middle of school with the rest of the student body and most of the staff only feet away from them in the gym, for God's sake. She needed to keep her distance until this was sorted out. "Schuyler, why did you do that to me?" she demanded.
"I was trying to protect you, Starr," he answered quietly, Langston and Cole having made him realize how insanely stupid his reasoning was. Starr's look of disbelief seemed to prove she felt similarly.
"What the hell are you talking about?" she demanded in confusion. He'd broken her heart to protect her? In what bizarro world did that make sense?
"I don't…" Schuyler trailed off, struggling to find a way to explain it, and laughed darkly. "God, and this made so much sense to me at the time. It was like one disaster after another kept happening, and everything piling up like that just got to me. You know I had…reservations from the start, feeling like I was holding you back or taking advantage of you-" Starr opened her mouth to protest, and Schuyler quickly continued.
"And I get now how wrong I was, but that was how I felt at the time. That night with Zach was when it all blew up and I freaked. You wouldn't have been in that position with him if you weren't trying to protect me, that's just a fact, and I couldn't…I couldn't get past that," he spat, a burning anger towards both himself and Zach Rosen momentarily overwhelming him. "Everytime I saw you, all I could think about was what you'd been through with him thanks to me, how I completely failed to keep you safe, and I couldn't stand it, I couldn't bear being around you knowing what I'd done, especially since you didn't blame me at all. After what you went through because of me, after you saw me completely snap and just lose it and nearly kill Zach, I was sure that the way you looked at me was going to be…different, but it wasn't- you looked at me the same way you always had, with more love and trust than I ever deserved, and it just made me sick with myself."
"Um, wow, sorry for loving you," Starr snapped, crossing her arms defensively. Schuyler started to speak, but Starr impatiently gestured for him to stop again, sighing. "Schuyler, the reason I didn't look at you any different, like I blamed you or resented you or whatever is because it wasn't your fault. Cole, Jack and my dad had a lot more to do with me being there than you, and disturbing as this is to think about, Zach was obviously planning on using me for revenge right from the start- he was going to find me one way or another, and the only reason he didn't get what he wanted is because you did save me from him. And, you honestly thought I would have a problem with what you did to Zach? Because, this might just be the dark side of me I inherited from my father talking, but after how he hurt you and Cole and after what he tried to do to me, I feel like he deserved it. I get why you're upset you lost control, but I think that was probably the one situation where it was okay to, and you still stopped yourself the second I said something to you. You didn't make me feel…scared, or like I was at risk of getting hurt because of you or whatever it is you thought I should have felt- you were the one person that made me feel safe, you were the only one I wanted anywhere near me after that. That should have brought us closer, it shouldn't have torn us apart," Starr said in frustration, shaking her head.
"That wasn't what did it. I still would have hated myself for putting you in that position and I still would have been ashamed of myself for my lack of restraint, but if it had just been that night with Zach I think I could have worked to get past it and let it go."
"But there was all that stuff leading up to it- like that night with Cole," Starr sighed. She had known right away how Cole's words had affected him, but the drama with her dad and then Zach had kept them from ever being able to talk it out. Schuyler nodded in confirmation.
"I just…I don't know, I just started to think, maybe he's got a point. And that night, I had to hurt you in the process of getting rid of Cole, and I felt like…why is she wasting her time? You were sneaking around with me because I could never be with you publically, that's bad enough, and then I made you cry to keep Cole from finding out about us, and I couldn't see how I could possibly be worth the way I was robbing you of the rest of your life and the pain I was putting you through."
"And then, when you were already having all these doubts, my dad came along," Starr filled in quietly, her eyes heavy; she was desperate to dispute everything Schuyler had just said, but she knew they were nowhere done with this explanation and she couldn't jump in yet.
"Yeah; and it wasn't anything he did to me that night that was the problem, because I meant what I said to you, Starr," he said intensely. "Your dad's threats don't bother me- I could not care less about him. There is nothing he could do to me that would make me stay away from you; I love you too much for that, you're more than worth anything he could put me through."
Starr bowed her head, taking a quiet breath as tears flooded her eyes, a wave of powerful relief crashing into her- he loved her. She took a moment to process that, let it truly sink it; he'd been lying when he claimed he didn't, he still loved her- the words were like music to her ears. She still needed answers, she was still angry, but that painful, aching feeling that she'd been suffering through for so long was instantly erased- he loved her after-all, just as she loved him, and that was all she really needed to know.
"But…what he could do to you is a different story," Schuyler sighed darkly, shaking his head as he clenched his fists with barely concealed anger.
"My dad talks a good game, Schuyler, but he wouldn't actually hurt me or anything," Starr told him. God, it was so freaking depressing that she had to reassure people of that.
"Maybe not directly. But if he were to tell the school board about us and the news got out, do you know what people would think about you? A young girl who hooks up with a grown man, her teacher- I know that's not what we are," he cut her off before she could even get the words out. "Believe me, Starr, I know, but nobody else will, that's how they'll see it, and a girl who hooks up with her teacher is a loser, at best."
"I'm assuming Langston already pointed out that people think even less flattering things about girls who get pregnant when they're sixteen?" Starr asked quietly. Schuyler nodded stiffly.
"That wasn't even the end of it. Look, I'll be blunt, I think your father is an evil son of a bitch who has no business being in your life- he doesn't deserve to be- but I know that even when you wish you didn't, you love him, and I didn't want to be the reason you lost him forever, especially when it seemed like it was going to happen with the rest of your family too. I'm not worth losing that much," he scoffed.
"That's up to me to decide!" Starr snapped before she could help herself. "Why do you get to decide that I'm worth losing your job and reputation but I can't decide that you're worth letting go of my psychotic father if he forces me to?"
"I was wrong- I was an ass," he added bluntly. "Part of me felt like it wasn't right to let you make those decisions because you're only seventeen, but I was just being an idiot. I was being a coward, actually," he corrected himself with a heavy sigh. Starr furrowed her brow.
"A coward? What do you mean?"
"I don't think I even realized this until Cole said it, which kills me," he muttered. "I think it's not even so much that I didn't believe you could make these choices and love me the same way I loved you because of your age, it's more that I was…scared to," he finished so quietly that Starr had to strain to hear. Her eyes softened and she unconsciously took a few steps closer to him, feeling like there was some pull between them she couldn't fight. "I guess everything Cole and your dad said did get to me, and there was this small part of me that was worried you were going to wake up one day and decide this was a phase, and resent me for holding you back."
"And that stupid lie I told you about realizing you were a phase, that you were just someone I turned to when I was lonely and desperate and that I would have felt the same about anyone who'd been in your position didn't help at all, did it?" Starr realized, cradling her head in frustration- they had both handled this like complete dumbasses. "I'm sorry, Schuyler, I still can't believe I said those things to you."
"You're apologizing to me?" Schuyler asked in disbelief, shaking his head. "God, no, Starr- after everything I put you through, that was the least of what I deserved."
"But the difference is, you honestly believed you were protecting me, while I just wanted to hurt you as badly as possible," Starr admitted, shame faced. "I mean, I got upset thinking about how I was sure it hadn't affected you at all since you just didn't care about me- I was upset over the idea that I didn't hurt you."
"It affected me," he assured her darkly, wincing even now just at the memory. "Trust me."
"I'm sorry," Starr softly told him once again.
"Please don't be," he begged.
The room fell silent once again as Starr struggled to really take in all the information she'd just received. She began to pace again as Schuyler watched her anxiously, waiting for her to take the next step.
"So everything that happened, everything you said and did was really just one big lie? You were just trying to push me away?" she demanded, still so scared to trust that the rug wouldn't be yanked out from under her again that she needed constant reassurance.
"Yes, all of it," Schuyler answered roughly, his shoulders slumping. Starr felt another surprising flash of irritation.
"Just like, punch me in the face next time, Schuy, okay?" she snapped. "It would have the same desired result but hurt so much less."
"Starr, I'm so sorry, I never wanted to-"
"I know you're sorry, okay? You don't have to tell me, I can see it, that's not the issue. It's just that you've done this to me twice, Schuyler, twice- and I cannot take a third time, I can't," she informed him seriously, the warning in her tone clear. Schuyler nodded in understanding, bowing his head, and Starr released a breath, and along with it, her anger. She walked to the bed and nervously sat on the edge. "I don't need you trying to protect me from yourself, Schuyler, you're the last person I need protection from, and I don't understand why you think differently."
"Starr…" Schuyler began slowly, taking a deep breath. He wandered to the bed as well and sat beside her cautiously, not sure if she was okay with him getting close yet. She didn't move away, and Schuyler continued. "You remember that day in the graveyard, when I told you about the nightmares I would have, that made me wake up craving a hit for just a second?"
"Of course," she said softly.
"I never told you what they were about. A lot were about my mom, her suicide, memories of my drug use, things I almost did or actually did while high, the ways I hurt people and let them down…but they were mostly about you," he whispered roughly, bracing himself. He hated thinking about this.
"Me?" she asked with wide, startled eyes. "Like what?"
"Mostly all the ways you could have been hurt because of me. Thinking about what could have happened if I hadn't been there the day Cole got sent to rehab, how far he would have gone. If I had left after you kissed me and he'd gotten a chance to act on the anger he showed when you defended me. If he'd hung around a little longer and you left with him after I walked away from you, and you'd been in Matthew's position. What your dad could do if he lost his temper when he found out about us. Certain people from my past who could come back and see you as a really good way to hurt me for the things I did. I could go on and on about all the different scenarios I thought of where you could have been hurt because of me. And that's exactly what happened," he seethed, eyes burning with self-hatred. "Zach hurt you because of me-"
"Didn't I just explain that's not what happened?" Starr asked, her tone no longer irritated, but gentle; she now wished she had asked him about these nightmares the first time he mentioned them.
"I can see your point now, but that doesn't change how I felt. I knew something like that would happen, but I still didn't put a stop to us before it could because I'm a selfish son of a bitch and I love you, and apparently, that overruled everything," he said bitterly. "I think letting you go was my way of trying to make things right, make sure I never let that happen again."
"Oh, Schuyler," Starr murmured, greatly pained that he felt this way. She reflexively grabbed his hand without thinking about it, and Schuyler held hers tightly. Starr felt a rush of pleasant warmth spread throughout her in response to his touch. "Look, there's something you need to understand here; I have been kidnapped more than once before. I've been through incidents like the one with Zach before," she said that one quietly, flinching as she recalled Cole shoving her on the bed, screaming at her for being a tease, calling her an uptight little bitch. It was still hard to believe that day hadn't been some horrible nightmare- she could not even reconcile those memories with the Cole she knew. Starr instantly continued before Schuyler could respond to that. "I've been held at gunpoint before. I've had someone try to kill me before, when I was just a little girl." She glanced at Schuyler to gauge his reaction, and saw his jaw was practically on the floor as he stared at her in silent shock, with stunned, angry eyes, and she nervously continued. "I know that's not exactly reassuring, but the point I'm trying to make here is that my life has always been this way, and as long as I'm a Manning and continue to be a natural danger magnet, it's always going to be. You didn't bring this danger into my life, and you leaving me doesn't take it away- just the opposite, actually.
"Cole didn't get a chance to snap and do something he'd regret the night of the dance because even though you should have left right away, before anyone else on the staff came along, even though that's all it would have taken to save your job, you chose to stay and make sure Cole couldn't do anything. That day Cole freaked out by the lockers, you protected me, and you comforted me, even though if Dickinson had been the one to find us all, that would have been it for your career. When my dad came here ready to literally snap your neck, you were a thousand times more worried about me than yourself- you almost punched him just for telling me to shut up," she recalled, laughing slightly. "And the night of the Zach incident, you kept me safe from him up until your skull was nearly busted open, and then, even with a concussion, you were the one who figured out how to get into the room, and you rescued me from him. You have no reason to feel guilty about a thing, because I haven't been hurt since you came along, because you've always been there to save me.
"And that's without even getting into the emotional side of it- you saved me from turning into a complete mess like Cole did when we thought our baby was dead, just by being there for me. Maybe it's hard for you to understand why, but you've made me happier than I have ever been, Schuyler. I was expecting to be a wreck the night of the Zach incident, but I was perfectly fine because you were with me. You have to understand that, Schuyler- I don't care what anyone says, the truth is that you're good for me. You might not be able to see that, because it's apparently impossible for you to see yourself in a good light, which breaks my heart, but everything I just said is solid proof of that, so don't even bother trying to argue."
He didn't argue…or, say anything at all; he just sat there stiffly, staring at the carpet, still holding her hand in a death grip. Starr knew he was probably just in the same place she'd been in earlier, struggling to process an overflow of information you hadn't been expecting, but just waiting in silence made her too nervous.
"Schuyler?" she prompted anxiously. "What are you thinking?"
"After hearing everything you've been through, and the fact that you expect things like that to keep happening?" he began, sounding slightly dazed. "That I want to lock you in this room and never let you leave."
"I don't think I'd complain," Starr said lightly with a small smile, only partly joking. The corners of Schuyler's lips tugged upwards slightly. "I just want to know if you understand now, Schuy," she said softly.
"I do," he reassured her, gazing at her seriously as he brushed his thumb across her fingers. Starr felt a powerful wave of relief to know she'd actually gotten through to him. "It's not easy to just change the way I've been thinking for so long, but I know you're right. I sure as hell know that Cole would not have convinced me to work things out with you if you weren't right," he chuckled slightly. "And if I'm the guy you want, then I think it's time I quit being a moron and fighting that and just be happy about it."
Starr lit up with a brilliant grin; she could not believe how quickly she'd gone from feeling completely hopeless and miserable to this.
"Hey, Starr," Schuyler began a second later, before Starr could say any of the things she was thinking of, his voice rough and quiet. Starr glanced at him curiously. Schuyler quickly released her hand before continuing, digging his nails into his palms till he nearly drew blood. "What did you mean you've been through incidents like the one with Zach before?" he asked tightly, careful to keep his tone even and calm, though Starr could hear a quiet note of rage behind it. She winced, inhaling sharply; she'd really been hoping he wouldn't pick up too much on that particular comment.
"I, um…don't think that's really important right now," she finally said, unable to figure out any other way to dodge that one. Schuyler slowly exhaled and just nodded.
"You'll tell me someday?" he asked gently.
"Yeah," Starr replied. Uh, yeah, sure- she'd tell Schuyler the day she decided she wanted Cole to be killed. "So, um…you're saying you and I will still be together when this someday comes?" she asked leadingly, flashing him a hopeful smile. Schuyler returned it, and Starr's heart jumped happily- that smile was all she'd wanted to see.
"If you'll have me. I know how badly I screwed up, Starr; I wanted to protect you, but all I did was hurt you, and I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I-"
"You don't have," she cut him off, shaking her head. "I told you already, I know you're sorry, and I get why you did it, so I don't need an apology. I just need you to trust me, Schuyler," she pleaded. "And that includes trusting my judgment, that I know what and who is best for me. I want us to be together more than I have ever wanted anything, but I don't want to have to worry that the whole time we are, you're secretly thinking I should be somewhere else, that it's wrong."
"That's not going to happen," Schuyler instantly promised her, his voice firm, and filled with desperation to make her believe him. "If there's one thing this mess made me realize, it's that you and I are not better off apart. I can't…I cannot even function without you, Starr. I could barely make it through these last few days, and I know now that it was the same for you- I have no intentions of ever putting either of us through this hell, and for no good reason, ever again."
"You couldn't function? You seemed fine to me," Starr muttered; voicing one of the things about this breakup that had hurt her the most.
"Only because, unfortunately, I'm a great liar- considering my past, that's really no surprise. It was all just part of the act, Starr," he sighed. "I thought it would be easier for you to move on if you thought I already had, so I made sure you thought I was perfectly okay without you, when I wasn't at all. Without you, Starr, it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. You think I relapsed and got drunk because I was fine?"
"That's why you thought it was so hysterical when I asked if you were there because you had a fight with Stacy," Starr realized, understanding dawning in her eyes. "Oh my God, Langston was right, she is so gonna rub that in my face. I cannot believe I was so obliv…wait," she suddenly said, furrowing her brow and shooting Schuyler a strange look. She abruptly jumped to her feet and took several steps away from him.
"Starr, what's wrong?" Schuyler asked in confusion, also standing.
"Stacy is what's wrong. Aren't you with her?" she demanded hotly. She had never received an explanation for that part. Schuyler slowly shut his eyes, appearing crestfallen; damn it, he was really a stupid asshole. "I thought you loved her, Schuyler- 'the heart wants what it wants?'"
"You were never supposed to hear that, Starr."
"Oh, okay, that makes it better!" she spluttered. "I'm really confused now, Schuyler. How could you say that to her and be so happy with her but-"
"I wasn't happy with Stacy!" Schuyler exploded. "Even if I hadn't felt like I was slowly dying because I lost you, I still wouldn't have been- being happy in Stacy's presence isn't even possible for me, all she is is a reminder of a horrible past that I regret," he spat. Starr gazed at him with wide eyes, startled.
"Then why were you…"
"She was just yet another part of the act, Starr," he sighed. "I didn't think I could resist you and stay away from you for long if I didn't have somebody holding me back- I was using Stacy to keep myself away from you, just like she was using me as a substitute for Rex. Everything I said to her at the hospital was total bullshit. I love you, Starr, and frankly, I couldn't care less about Stacy. I'm just sorry that I hurt you so badly with her; all I meant to do was make it easier for you to forget about me."
"So…you did break up with her?" she asked meekly for confirmation.
"I don't just have her stuff piled by the desk for storage," he said with a nod. Starr giggled slightly, until her eyes fell across the bed, and it instantly died down. She fidgeted uncomfortably, working up the nerve for her next question.
"You didn't…sleep with her, did you?" she muttered with downcast eyes, digging at her wrists.
"Oh my God, no!" Schuyler answered without hesitation, looking sickened just by the thought of it. "I barely kissed her, and even that was a struggle."
"Good," Starr scoffed before she could help herself, scowling at just the thought of Stacy.
"Langston told me what Stacy did to you this morning," Schuyler said quietly. Starr sighed, reluctant to discuss this.
"It wasn't really that big of a deal, Schuyler."
"Like hell it wasn't," he snapped. "Starr, what she did was not even remotely-"
"Seriously, Schuy, I would rather just forget it altogether. You dumped her, I slapped her, so she already got what she had coming, and I don't want to waste anymore time on her."
"Wait, you what?" Schuyler interjected, suddenly grinning in amusement.
"Langston didn't tell you that part?" Starr asked slowly. Still grinning, Schuyler shook his head. "Yeeeeah, um, I kind of freaked out when she started rubbing it in that you supposedly loved her and not me, and I, um, slapped her."
Schuyler burst out laughing, almost doubling over in hysterics, and Starr now had to grin herself, recalling how worried she'd been that he would be mad.
"That's what you meant when you said you got violent twice in one day," Schuyler choked out, still cracking up. Starr blushed.
"Yeah- that's why I freaked out and ran off too. I started thinking about how sure I was that you were going to take her side over mine and I just got really flustered and upset," she sighed. Schuyler instantly grew serious, no trace of laughter on his face.
"That would never happen, Starr," he assured her.
"What, that you wouldn't have believed Stacy over me?"
"I wouldn't believe anyone over you, Starr," he promised. "I will always trust you more than anyone, you never have to worry about that."
Starr smiled softly, overjoyed just to know that things were how they were supposed to be again; Schuyler trusted her, he loved her, he wanted to be with her- all was right again.
"Hey, Starr," Schuyler drew her from her thoughts as he quietly spoke her name. There was one more thing Langston had said that Schuyler knew they needed to discuss. "There's one more reason why I did what I did with Stacy- I discussed this with Langston, and she said something that I think you and I need to talk about. I told her that I was so sure you knew I loved you that just breaking up with you couldn't have convinced you otherwise, that I thought you would need to see proof of me moving on to believe it, and Langston said that wasn't the case. She said you believed everything I said right away because…you feel like you're not good enough for me, that me not wanting you makes sense to you. Is that true?" he asked quietly.
Starr swallowed roughly, taking a deep breath as she protectively crossed her arms over herself, gazing at the floor in discomfort. Schuyler watched her patiently, his eyes pained as he could already sense the answer.
"I don't know. Yeah, I guess," she sighed.
"Starr," Schuyler murmured earnestly. Unable to stand this distance any longer, he quickly closed the few steps that were between them. "Why would you ever, ever think that?"
"I don't know, Schuyler!" she repeated in a cry, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "I never really understood why you would fall for some plain, ordinary girl like me. And I get now that she's this evil bitch who reminds you of all the bad aspects of your past, but at the time it just felt like, 'Oh, here's Stacy!" Starr chirped, working herself up into a good ramble. "And she's gorgeous and experienced and you used to pine for her and you only lost her because of drugs, not because you didn't want her anymore, and she knows your history better than I can because she lived it with you, and-"
Starr was suddenly cut off as Schuyler seized her by the shoulders, yanked her into his arms, and brought his lips crashing down to hers. He kissed her fervidly, slowly, his hands tangling in her hair as Starr melted into his familiar embrace, eagerly responding to his kiss with everything she had in her- it had been far too long since she'd gotten to do this.
When Schuyler finally pulled away, Starr was all but panting for breath as she gazed up at him with starry, dazed eyes, and Schuyler grinned, quickly kissing her forehead.
"Starr? You know how you think it's ridiculous that I can't understand why you'd fall for a worthless former drug addict? This is like that. I opened my eyes to who Stacy really was and stopped pining for her the moment I fell in love- for the first time in my life. And I didn't fall for a plain, ordinary girl- I fell for the smartest, most beautiful girl I have ever met, who's funny, and brave, and too selfless for her own good, and who gets me in a way I never believed anyone could."
Starr' s grin was so powerful that it was starting to make her cheeks ache. Not wanting to ruin this moment with insufficient words, Starr simply wound her arms around Schuyler's waist and hugged him tightly, not wanting to waste one more moment by spending it out of his arms.
"You know," she began after several minutes of silence and peace. "I cannot believe the two people were once more against this relationship than anyone are the ones that made this happen. I guess I really owe Langston and Cole for getting through to you."
"You did that, actually," Schuyler told her.
"Huh?"
"Langston, uh, showed me your letter."
"Oh my God, she what?" Starr groaned, pulling back slightly, appearing mortified. "You were never supposed to see that. I'm sure it seemed really over the top and creepy, but you have to remember, I-"
Schuyler once again cut her off as he cupped her chin in his hands and kissed her softly once more.
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about," he told her, barely pulling away from her. "The letter is what woke me up because it made me realize you were feeling every single thing I was, and that I was just being an idiot."
"Yeah, you were," she teased, grinning. "But I made a few not so smart moves myself. It's okay, we can be stupid together."
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
Starr sighed in contentment, dropping her head to his chest once more and peacefully listening to the sound of his heartbeat just as she had the night of the Zach incident when he'd stayed with her, just as she had every night she'd stayed with him before then; it was such a small, simple thing, but she'd missed it just as powerfully as she had everything else about him. This, right here, felt like home.
"You love me?" Starr quietly asked again a minute later, desperately needing to be reassured of that after how convinced his lies had had her.
"I love you," Schuyler said softly into her ear, rubbing light circles against her back. Starr shut her eyes for a moment, just basking in the joy those words brought her.
"And you want me?"
Schuyler's fingers now lightly trailed along her spine until he reached the bottom of her shirt and his hand slipped under the thin material, his fingers brushing against her bare skin, causing Starr to shiver. Schuyler pulled back just enough so they were face to face now, and lightly kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, her cheeks, before finally bringing his lips near hers, hovering only centimeters away, so close that they could share breath; Starr's heart pounded in anticipation, her knees feeling like jelly.
"I want you," he murmured, his voice husky with desire.
And with those words, Starr could not contain how badly she wanted him too for a moment longer and threw her arms around his neck, crushing her lips to his in a fiery kiss. Schuyler instantly kissed her back passionately, pulling her body flush to his, and Starr moaned at the contact, going weak in the knees. She stumbled back, tugging him along with her as their lips did not leave each others for a single second, until the back of her knees hit the bed and she went tumbling down, pulling him with her. Schuyler carefully held himself up one hand, so lost in the moment he barely seemed to realize where they were. As his tongue brushed hers, Starr grew desperate for more and grabbed the bottom of his shirt, impatiently yanking it up.
Schuyler pulled away to toss the shirt over his head, and Starr took only a moment to breathe, her eyes shamelessly scanning his body, before she moved her hand to the back of his head and started to pull him back down to her. The break in their kiss, however, seemed to have allowed Schuyler a moment to get his senses back, and he stopped her.
"Starr, wait," he breathed. "Are you sure about this?" Starr couldn't help herself and laughed slightly, her breathing still ragged.
"You actually have to ask? Schuyler, I am more sure about this than I have ever been of anything. I love you."
"I love you too."
"I know that, and…I don't want you to tell me anymore, I just want you to show me."
Schuyler just cupped her cheek, gazing at her tenderly for a moment, then brought his lips back down to hers, as he proceeded to spend the rest of the night showing Starr exactly how much he loved her.