WE'RE NOT DEAD!
TARZANIA
Today we find our heroes in the strange land of Tarzania located in the deep Jungle. They are currently staying with a monkey lover named Jane. She really only loves monkeys.
"Sora, wake up!" hyucked Goofy.
Sora groaned and rolled out of bed into his bathtub which rests beside his bed. He sat in the water for a minute and got clean before rolling back into bed.
"Sora! It's really time to get up!" Goofy said a tad bit too cheerfully.
"Aww fuck your bitch Goofy!" Sora said and he summoned Mushuu to shoot fireballs at Goofy's ugly chef hat.
Sora awakened not too long after that because Tarzan was standing on top of Sora.
"Get the fuck off Tarzan!"
Tarzan proceeded to do no such thing. He just stared at Sora and rocked back and forth. Sora started to get really mad. He jumped up and walked around the tent. However, Tarzan followed.
"SUCK MY NADS TARZAN!" Sora yelled in rage. He started to sprint around the tent.
Ten minutes later he was still running from Tarzan. But Tarzan was catching up. He started to jump over objects, like the table and the projector just to get to Sora.
"TARZAN YOU CAN SUCK MY SCROTES! " Sora screamed while running. He was just about to summon Bambi so he could hoof him in the eye, but he tripped over a weird thing.
'Hmm what's this' Sora thought. He picked up the weird paper object. It seemed to be a book.
The book was called 'ancestry of idiots' He flipped it open to the index and saw Goofy's name.
What a coincidence. There was a big diagram of Goofy's face, but it looked weird.
"Hey Goofy, wanna know another stupid thing about yourself? This book says you actually evolved from a human vagina." Sora pointed and then started to laugh hysterically.
"Now that I think about it, your hat also looks like scrotes." Sora said between laughter.
"hyuck…well sora…I don't think that's really approp---"
"Shut up!"
"Now now you two, there shall be no negativity in my tent" Said Jane like a bitch pansy.
"You know what Jane, don't even talk. I actually even forgot you were here because you're so skinny and deformed that I thought you were a lamp! And Tarzan! It looks like 6 apes took a nice shize right on your head! And you just decided to wear them as hair! And goofy, don't you talk either you ugly dog, even your own mom doesn't like you! You thought she was putting on lipstick but she was actually giving you the finger last time you said goodbye to her!" Sora ranted.
"Sora that's enough!" Jane said defensively "Here, come sit around and I'll show you a slideshow so you know a little history of the village."
Jane coaxed Sora over to the little piece of floor in front of the slide projector that was clearly older than the entire human civilization. She showed pictures of sailboats, a land mass, some gorillas, some pots and pans, and some old cave drawings.
"Do you honestly think those 6 pictures helped me to understand the history of this village!?" Sora questioned angrily.
"Well, they were just small things…I don't know I thought you might have liked them sora…" Jane said in a hurt voice.
"Well I obviously didn't you lamp."
Just then Alex Trebec jumped through the wall of the tent that the pictures were being displayed on.
"Welcome to Jepordy! I'm your host Alex Trebec! Please pick from one of our 2 catagories; the process of cloning and advanced physics.
"Uhhh…cloning for 100 please" Said Sora.
"Okay~ what is the molecule used for betafusion of the brain tissue cells when cloning a mouse"
Sora shot Alex with a rifle.
Sora dragged the corpse outside; past a very terrified looking Jane. Tarzan and the posy followed.
"Ahhhh, freedom at last! That tent was much too stuffy to contain my wonderful self. Well now that we're in the open, I think we should play some games!" Sora exclaimed.
"Here here!"
"Jesus Christ, Donald are you still alive, I seriously thought you'd died. And we aren't in the 16th century you scumbag!" Sora said as he kicked Donald out of his way.
Donald still ended up in his path of walking though.
"FUCK DONALD! Well I guess this just means it's FIGURE 8 TIME!" Sora said. He started running and pirouetting around Donald and Goofy in figure 8 patterns.
After he got tired of that, which only took a few seconds, they decided to play box king. Sora ran up the stack of boxes sitting in the middle of the camp for no reason and stood proudly on the highest box.
"HAHAHA I am the king of the boxes!" Sora exclaimed. But like an idiot Donald followed him up onto the boxes.
"GET OFF DONALD! Didn't you just hear me exclaim I was king of the boxes! GOD! FUCK YOUR FEATHERED ASS!"
Sora punted Donald off the boxes and he landed in the random stove sitting outside the tent.
He hopped down from the boxes and ran into the next clearing which somehow took him to the tops of the trees high up in the jungle. Donald managed to catch up.
"Gawrsh Sora, look at this here fuzzy little creature" Goofy exclaimed while looking at a tree.
"That's a tree" Sora said with hardly any care at all.
"No, I mean this here little guy" Goofy hicked. He picked up the furry thing and held it out to Sora by the tail. Sora examined it from afar.
"THU-GER GHLI-DER!" Sora spat for no reason.
"Well gawrsh, whats uhh a tur-ger gil-dar Soraaa" Goofy hicked once again.
"It's that furry thing you god-damned hick" Sora spat back. "Now get hopping across those vines so we can find some cool new things to destroy" Sora commanded of Goofy and perhaps Donald if he was brave enough.
Goofy jumped onto the first vine and immediately after Sora started to laugh hysterically.
"HAHAHA YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH THAT TREE!" Sora laughed. "Watch how it's really done"
He exclaimed before leaping out into the clearing of vines. He farted SO loud and thought it might propel him across. But of course it didn't and he fell into hippo lagoon. Donald and Goofy followed.
"Aww screw your moms nads" Sora exclaimed in anger.
"bwhahsuhiuhgw *duck noise of anger* The ground is all wet!" Donald exclaimed.
"HAHAHA THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! HAHA…No wait…That's what I said hahaha" Sora laughed.
"Well anyways, how the fuck are we supposed to get across this lagoon, all we have are some tiny little islands and some fat ass things that look like Goofy's mother."
"gawrsh…well Sora, we could just hop across them because they seem to be moving at a planned kinda---"
"HEY!, shut up. I have a plan." Sora snatched up the seaweed that Donald had stepped on and tore a piece of Donald's shirt. He wrapped them around each other and then gagged Goofy with them and bound his hands. He then hit him over the head with Donald's staff and threw Goofy's corpse in the water.
He pulled Donald on and they rowed to the middle of the lake using Goofy's shield.
Once they were halfway out into the lake Sora stopped and turned to stare at Donald.
"Okay Donald, we're gonna play a game. It's called Death Frog. We have consistent platforms to cross at this point and so this is how you play. You crouch down and I hop over you. But if you don't move out of the way in time I stab you in the chest. Then you come and hop over me. It's simple; we jump over each other until we get to the other side."
Donald didn't want to anger Sora before the game started so he just nodded his head and the game began.
They reached the other side pretty quickly.
"Damn, you got lucky this time you scuddy Fowl, but mark my words, we're playing again on the way back." Sora untied Goofy in case he was needed for more floatation later down the road, and they all proceeded to go to the tree house.
"Why are we going all the way up here Sora?" Donald asked.
"Because I have another game to play. It's called Murder." Sora said. Donald and Goofy just followed In silence.
Sora charged up into the tree house and spotted the leopard. He squared off behind it and smacked it with the force of 1000 palms.
It rolled all the way out of the tree house and around the corner, down the ramp and was going to fall off of the platform.
Sora chased it to the very end.
"I'M NOT DONE KILLING YOU YET YOU SCUMBAG! YOU CAN'T JUST RECOIL-ROLL DOWN AN ENTIRE NEIGHBOURHOOD!"
The Leopard rolled into a new area. Sora ran after it.
-In the middle of abyss-
'Fuck you load faster you stupid reality!' Sora thought as he stood in darkness waiting for the next chunk of forest to load.
When he returned to reality the leopard was nowhere to be seen. Sora turned around and ran back to the previous area. He smacked into Goofy and Donald on his way back because they were following him like usual. He broke Goofy's nose on impact.
Sora rolled his eyes as Goofy started to bleed and kicked him in the shin.
"The damn cat isn't back yet. It's time for plan B. Grade A Goofnip."
"Uh Garwsh Sora…what's Goofnip?"
"I'll explain when we get back to the tree house Goofy my dear pal."
Sora beat Goofy in the spine and dragged him back up the pathway to the treehouse. He was just about to start slicing Goofy's limbs off when the Leopard jumped out of nowhere and started to claw at Donald's head.
"OH NO YOU DI'N'T" Sora screamed as he lunged towards the cat. He took a huge swipe at it but missed and launched himself off of the tree house platform and started to fall into the jungle.
"YO MAMAAAAAA" Sora screamed as he fell to his demise.
Sora fell through the tress to that place with the huge open rotting log and managed to grab onto a platform to stop his crash. Too bad it was suspended very high in the air. Without Goofy's corpse to break his fall, Sora was too afraid to get down.
2 days later, Goofy and Donald finally found Sora in the forest, where he was still hanging onto the tree.
"SORA!" Donald dreeched (duck+ screeched)
"IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU CAME TO FIND ME! I've been hanging in this damn tree for...based on the activity of the sun led me to believe, 2 DAYS!"
"Gawrsh Sora, I didn't expect you to be able to hang on for that long."
"OH YEAH! I'll show you Goofy! I can hang here for 3 more days! Come back and find me then scumbag, and you'll see how truly manly I am!"
"Sora I don't think that's a very good id-"
"BE GONE!" Sora banished.
3 days later they returned for him and, as suspected he wasn't worn down, hungry, needing to piss/shize or in any pain. He hopped down with ease.
"See how damn manly I am, you better think twice next time you talk to me without bowing first scum." Sora said to Goofy.
"Well Sora, I'm sorry that I insul-"
"Ew you can stop talking. Look over there! A trinity!" Sora yelled as he ran over to the blue trinity on the ground.
"Get over here you shits" Sora said as he called his friends.
"3,2,1! GO!" They all jumped. Nothing appeared.
"What the hell, do it again" Sora demanded.
They all stomped once more and again nothing happened.
"THIS IS BULLSHIZE!" Sora yelled as he stamped up and down furiously.
He then noticed that he was stomping on something that wasn't ground but was Trinity from the Matrix. That trinity must have been a lie the whole time.
"Alright guys! TO THE TREEHOUSE!" Sora yelled as he ran back in the direction of the tree house.
When they got there Sora saw the leopard once again. He charged towards it and smacked it SO hard that it rolled out of the tree house, down the stairs, and right off the cliff. Goofy got out his binoculars and also noted that it rolled alllll the way down into the forest.
Sora jumped on a tree branch and began to surf down. But suddenly Tarzan appeared from nowhere!
"Fuck off you literal shithead!" Sora yelled behind him to Tarzan. He swerved so Tarzan would hit a branch and be knocked backwards. But the will to rape was too strong and Tarzan pressed on.
Sora cast a gravity spell behind him that temporarily fused Tarzan's body with the ground.
'Good thing I fused that rapists body to the fucking tree so I can make an escape.' Sora thought.
When he reached the bottom of the forest, he ran back to the camp and went in the tent. He then beat Tarzan half to death.
As Sora was leaving the tent he noticed Jane and Clayton approaching so he ran and hid behind the stack of boxes to eavesdrop.
"Go talk to Kerchek Clayton! He has all the answers you need"
Sora followed Clayton into the forest. As they walked deeper into the forest Sora noticed that Clayton was leaving a trail of arm hair for himself to follow back out.
But Sora soon realized that the trail was to lure in the gorillas. Did Clayton figure that they would be attracted towards someone as hairy as them? Who knows.
Sora closed his eyes for a moment to picture Riku naked, but his gay fantasy was interrupted when a monkey heartless jumped out of the bushes.
Sora banished it to hell with a quick fira spell, but noticed it dropped a gummi ship part.
'Why the fuck to heartless carry around ship parts in their souls' Sora wondered. And then he was back on Claytons trail.
"Fuck this, Claytons taking the hardest route" Sora mumbled and he ran the opposite direction.
He reached Kerchek before Clayton. Tarzan was there.
For those who don't know, Kerchek is actually a Russian hit man. But is mistaken for a monkey because he thinks he is one.
"Kerchek! You must kill everyone in village!" Tarzan oo aah'ed
"Yo Tarzan, I didn't know you were on my side" said Sora.
"NO TARZAN! I would never do you a favour. Kerchek owes no one. Now go eat shit." Kerchek said; painfully rejecting Tarzans request for man slaughter.
Sora did plan on killing everyone, but now he had an even better idea.
4 days later he returned to camp. He saw Jane and Clayton talking, and Tarzan was picking flees from his shin hair on the box stack.
Sora shot Clayton and Jane and shot Tarzan in the shin. He then tied Tarzan to a splint log and
started to roast him over an open fire. He had started plans for his new product; Goofnip. And Tarzan was his first piece of ripe meat.
Sora packed his new product in some ice boxes, grabbed his crew and hopped on the Gummi Ship! Off to the next destination!
AND THATS IT FOLKS. I know we haven't written anything new in sooo long. I wrote this awhile ago and I just didn't post it because It was a present for Insanity and I didn't want her to see it in advance. Anyways R&R
Love ya'll
-Generation Pope