Thanks for the reviews!
Rossi goes into full-on paternal mode in this chapter, trying to get Hotch to see sense.
"You want to leave? Hotch, you can't leave, the team needs you," Rossi tries to bargain desperately, spewing the words out in a knee-jerk reaction on hearing his friend is even considering such an action.
"What about Haley and Jack? They need me too Dave!" Hotch replies, the emotion that always comes along with talking about his family breaking through.
"Haley left you, Aaron; you don't owe her anything anymore!"
"She's my wife, Dave, the mother of my child, my oldest friend and the woman I love…I will always owe her everything!" Hotch is angry at his friend's response, but also furious at the very thought that Jack is the only thing keeping them in each other's lives now.
"Tell me something Aaron," Rossi's quiet tone surprises Aaron out of some of his anger, "and be honest; did you or did you not give your family everything you could? You supported them financially…food, clothing, a roof over their heads. You supported them emotionally. When you were with them, did you or did you not give them your unfailing attention?"
"I tried…I gave absolutely everything to Haley and to Jack and my job, but it wasn't enough, Dave. I don't get to come home and kiss my wife and hug my son, and it hurts! Every time I go back to that dark and empty house, it physically hurts!" Aaron hangs his head dejectedly.
"Aaron, you did try, you did give it absolutely everything, and that's all anyone can do; it's all anyone can ask. You're right that this job is a part of who you are but it's not entirely who you are.
"Leaving the job aside for a moment, you're a smart, compassionate guy with a wicked dry sense of humour that admittedly you don't often show. You're strong-willed, perhaps sometimes a little too pig-headed. You're determined and sometimes more selfless than is healthy. Plus, being a profiler, I'm able to tell you that several of the female members of staff at that hospital definitely found you worth looking at," Rossi smiles mischievously and Hotch gives a small roll of his eyes.
"That's also who you are Aaron, and if Hailey put your dedication to this job in front of all of that and treated it as some major flaw in your character, if she doubted that you are as dedicated to her and Jack as you are to the job and to the team, then she doesn't know you as well as she should after all these years!"
Aaron is quiet, trying to take it all in. Logically he knows that Dave is right, that he did give it his all but emotionally he cannot accept that there was nothing else he could have done to save his marriage. He feels completely drained by the effort it took to be one hundred percent Aaron Hotchner for his family and one hundred percent Agent Hotchner for his team, and all he has to show for it is a broken marriage and an empty home, as well as a Section Chief out for his letter of resignation.
He isn't an idiot, he figured out during his suspension that Haley was most likely having an affair due to the hang-up phone-calls and her frequent, unexplained disappearances, but he feels as though even that must have been his fault, that he must have neglected her somehow.
He can't help but wonder what he could have done differently.
"I miss them Dave; a couple of hours on a weekend isn't enough time to spend with my son. I wanted to be there for Jack in a way that my father was never there for me and Sean, and I feel like I've failed him already."
"Have you ever hit your son?" Dave bluntly demands.
Aaron looks up at him with a mixture of confusion, anger and shock in his expression; "No! I would never…could never lay a finger on him, or on Haley. How can you even think that?"
"I don't," Rossi assures him quietly but firmly, maintaining eye contact; "I'm just proving to you that you're already a far better father than your own."
Hotch frowns, a hint of suspicion in his countenance. "What makes you think…?"
Rossi interrupts him with a sad smile, "I'm a profiler, Aaron, and some things are obvious. You never talk about your father, and you show empathy with abused children, not the pity that those who have never experienced it themselves usually show. Regardless, it doesn't matter, Aaron. Most people have some form of parental issues; on your team alone there are issues enough to drown in.
"Reid's father abandoned him and his schizophrenic mother is in an institute. Morgan lost his father at an early age and as a result was forced to grow up far too quickly. JJ's parents were loving but unforgiving in their expectations and the pressure they placed on her. Prentiss doesn't know her father and her mother is a high-flying career woman who was too busy to spend much time with her daughter. Garcia lost both her parents in a devastating accident."
Rossi pauses to make sure his friend is listening; Aaron looks at him and gestures for him to continue. "Who our parents are…it doesn't really matter at the end of the day. All that matters is what they help mould us into. Despite all these parental issues in your team, they are basically well-rounded individuals who've overcome their problems; yes they have their flaws but who doesn't? You used your experiences to make yourself stronger, a better person than your father; that is a testament to the strength of your character if nothing else is."
Ever the profiler, Hotch catches the glaring omission in Rossi's statement; "You never said anything about your own parents."
"I was lucky; I grew up in a stable, loving home." Dave answers honestly. "Now, you gonna tell me the rest of it?" Aaron looks up questioningly. "Come on Hotch, while undoubtedly distressing, the separation isn't the only thing resting on your mind."
"I hate profilers!" Hotch mumbles; Rossi only smirks. "I don't know Dave…the job just seems to be getting to me more; that whole mess with Frank, the girl from the mall, Garcia getting shot…all of it!"
"We have had a string of tough cases. Most we come across are pretty bad and these last few cases we've had all involved children; it's gonna get to people, especially those with kids of their own." Rossi says, trying to appease his friend's anxiety. "Plus, you've been having to do almost two agents worth of work since Gideon left."
Aaron appears to be confused at this, "What do you mean?"
"I've been away from the BAU for ten years, Aaron; there are all sorts of changes in procedure and protocol, technological advances, even the fact that we work in teams rather than individually or in pairs, and don't even get me started on the damn paperwork. It's a lot to get used to, and I know I'm not yet as efficient as you need me to be."
"Dave, you help; what are you talking about? You're a great asset to the team;" Hotch tries to reassure his old friend of his immeasurable value.
"I help when I can, I'm learning but i'm not there yet. My point is that Gideon left. He didn't resign Aaron, he just up and left, no notice, nothing. And when he did that he threw you in at the deep end with no life-line, cos Strauss certainly wasn't going to help you; and all this meant that you've had to do the work he used to do too."
As he talks, Dave feels his anger at the former BAU member rise. "He left a letter for Reid but nothing for you…you've known and worked with the guy for almost ten years and he just walked away, no explanations or apologies. I feel furious every time I think of it; can you honestly say Gideon's actions have had no effect on you whatsoever?"
Hotch is struck by the vehemence in Rossi's tone, but slowly sits back in his seat and thinks about it. "I don't know if I'm angry, Dave. I can understand why Jason left, hell…at this moment in time I could do the same thing very easily."
"No you couldn't" Dave reponds with certainty. "Even if you feel like you're standing on the edge of that particular precipice you would never abandon your team; you're not wired like that."
"I would love to think that was the truth, but it's not; I nearly left, Dave, I was all set to transfer into another department when I was on suspension."
"But you didn't so you can stop feeling guilty about it;" Rossi assures him, and smiles as Hotch narrows his gaze, "I know you, Aaron, and I know you would insist on carrying around this completely self-fabricated guilt. You didn't abandon the team, and you didn't abandon your family. Gideon did. You are not your father and you are not Gideon…which I thank God for everyday I work with you!" he adds with another smirk.
"I was…disappointed I guess, that Jason felt he should leave the way he did, that he felt he couldn't talk to us…to me, that I wouldn't understand." Aaron quietly confesses, encouraged by Dave's own candour on the subject; "The extra work doesn't bother me, especially now that Haley and Jack are gone; at least it gives me something to take my mind off things. I just wish that he trusted me like I trusted him."
Rossi can sense the hurt and confusion and just a hint of betrayal in his friend's words, but tries to push his own feelings about Gideon down so he can comfort Aaron. "You know, the team has been feeling similar things in relation to you."
Aaron looks up sharply with surprise at Dave's words. "What do you mean?"
"They couldn't understand why you wouldn't let anyone know what was wrong. They might not have come and talked to you about it, but trust me, they've all been very worried about you. They've been very anxious about not being able to help you." The look of remorse that floods across Aaron's face is not what he wants to see.
"I didn't mean to make anyone worry," Hotch laments; "I just…I'm their boss, I'm supposed to be a stable, solid and dependable leader that they can lean on and trust; this support is crucial in a department like the BAU and like you said, it's not like they can go to Strauss. Fuck!" Aaron quietly moans, the guilt in his expression so easy to read that it might just as well be stamped on his forehead.
"What's with the guilt, Aaron?" Rossi demands to know. "What the hell do you think you have to feel guilty about? They care about you, we all do; having people look out for you is no cause for shame. It's a team Hotch, and if anyone should feel guilty maybe it's us."
Aaron frowns at this, lacking any comprehension for what Dave is saying. "Why would you have anything to feel guilty about?"
"You may be the Unit Chief, Aaron, but we're all members of the same team. We've all seen the effort you put in to your work, the extra hours you pull and we've all noticed your recent bout of depression, yet we did nothing, for so long; if you were to put a gun in your mouth we'd all have a share in the blame." Dave looks away from Aaron, upset at the very thought; "I'm sorry Aaron, I haven't been there when you've needed me," he confessed shamefully.
Hotch is struck dumb. He never expected to hear anything like this!
There is silence for several moments as Aaron tries to take everything in and Rossi silently berates himself for adopting such a laissez faire attitude towards his former protégé. Finally, Hotch, having processed the words, gently lays a hand on Rossi's shoulder and waits for him to pay attention; Dave lifts his head and hesitantly looks Aaron in the eyes.
"Dave, first of all, let me make this very, very clear: I am not now, nor have I ever even thought about swallowing a bullet. Things have built up lately and I admit I've let myself get a little despondent, but I'm not depressed and am certainly not suicidal! Secondly, you and the team have nothing, nothing to feel guilty about.
"You've known me a long time Dave, surely by now you must have realised that I have the propensity to try and handle problems on my own. The team is the only thing that has kept me going these past few months. To have you back Dave…it has been more than helpful; just because I haven't cried all over your shoulders yet doesn't mean you haven't been there for me."
Dave lowers his head slightly, trying to hide his emotions from Aaron's watchful eyes and profiling mind; he offers a slightly sheepish grin. "I thought I was supposed to be comforting you!"
Hotch gives a small laugh and a playful shove to Rossi's shoulder.
They sit in an comfortable silence for several minutes before Hotch stands up and carefully stretches his body in an effort to work out some of the kinks that worked their way through his body as he was sitting through their talk. "Well, I stink…I need a shower!"
"Way to ruin the moment Aaron." He hears Hotch's quiet laughter move to the small bathroom attached. "Don't get your stitches wet!" he orders loudly.
"Yes, mother bear," Aaron replies wryly, and Dave can perfectly imagine the accompanying eye-roll.
He isn't fully healed but it's a start, and Dave is more than satisfied that, though his friend is going through some rough times, Aaron understands that he doesn't have to go the distance alone.
Dave gets off the bed and goes to wake the others. The return plane-ride should at least be a lot more comfortable than the outgoing flight.
There you go, let me know what you think.
Next up…the plane ride – the team notice the difference and each try to help Hotch in their own way.