Codename: TABASCO

(The Awesome Background And Secret Chronicles Of Michael Guerin)

Episode 105

Here I Come To Save The Day (285 South)

Ihad almost decided to forget about this super hero thing and go back to being whatever it was I really was… or maybe whatever it was that Max and Isabel wanted me to be. The truth is, I wasn't really that keen on running around saving people anyway. I mean, it was fun to fry those guys' sorry asses… the ones that shot Liz. And the ones that were beatin' up on that girl, they deserved what they got, too; so, yeah, I kind of did enjoy that, I admit it. But it's not like I want to dress up in pantyhose and a cape and run around like some frikkin' Captain Marvel, singing out, "Here I come to save the day! Hi yo, Silver… Away!" Wait… that was the Lone Ranger. Well, the "Hi yo, Silver… Away!" part was the Lone Ranger. Somebody else said the first part. Who was it? Wait a minute… I think… Oh, Geez Louise! See what I mean? Yeah, like I really want to be known as Roswell's alien Mighty Mouse! Here I come to save the day… Check out these tights, I think I'm gay.

The Lone Ranger was okay… he was cool. But I don't want to be him either. I wouldn't mind being kind of like him, maybe… a little bit… in some ways. He was sure of himself… and strong. And he always saved the day. Hank wouldn't have messed with The Lone Ranger… or Zorro either. He would've got a big "Z" carved into his drunken ass if he'd messed with the Z-Man. If I was going to be a real super hero, I guess I'd want to be like Zorro or the Lone Ranger. But they weren't really SUPER heroes, they were just heroes. They didn't have super powers. Did you ever notice that all the super heroes wear stuff like pantyhose and tights? I mean, get real! Either that or they're like the Hulk, bursting out of their clothes all the time. That's not me, see. I just want to be able to use my frikkin' alien DNA for something useful for a change. And if I help a few people in the process, that's a good thing, right?

The fact is, for the last few days, I had been kind of preoccupied -Isabel said "obsessed-" with this vision I got when I touched that key in Valenti's office. I kept seeing this geometric dome, even in my dreams when I was asleep. I knew it was something important, something that might help us find out who we were… and maybe help us get back home. Then Max told me about this stuff that his boss at the UFO museum had on his computer, stuff that could help answer our questions. So I sneaked into the museum and downloaded two pages about this guy named Atherton. Unfortunately, I didn't notice that Max's boss was sleeping at a desk nearby, and the computer woke him up. He had me arrested, and Max had to make up a story about sending me over there to get something for him after hours. But now I had something real to go on… something that could lead us to our goal. And I fully intended to follow up on it.

Marathon, Texas. That's where I had to go. Only trouble is, I didn't have a way to get there. Max wouldn't give me the keys to the jeep. He wanted to wait until we got more information about the place. And my bike was temporarily indisposed. It had a busted wheel. Don't ask! I knew that whatever was in Marathon wasn't going to wait, so I started looking for some other way to get there. That's when Maria showed up with this cracked assignment one of our teachers had handed out. We were supposed to pair up with certain people. The teacher… that would be Mr. Sommers… decided who got paired up with who. Or is it whom? Well, anyway, whatever… Actually, Agent Topolsky did the pairing, but I didn't know that then. Maria must've won the "karma sucks" lottery or something, 'cause she got paired up with me. She was supposed to ask me these really stupid questions, like what kind of ice cream I liked and what my favorite TV show was. I wasn't the slightest bit interested. See, going to class was kind of a hobby for me back then… I did it when I felt the inclination… which wasn't often. And I wasn't feeling any inclination to answer questions for a stupid class assignment right then. I just wanted to get to Marathon.

That's when I realized that Maria had a car. Okay, it was really her mom's car, as she pointed out, but hey, details, you know. It was a car. And with a little luck, it would get me to Marathon, I figured. So I offered to answer her questions if she would give me a ride to the highway. She was going that way anyway to drop off something for her mom at the lift-off gas station, so she agreed. When she got out to go inside, I took the car. And for the record, I wasn't stealing it! I was only borrowing it. I did intend to return it.

I had no intention of taking Maria along. That was her idea. She just couldn't bear for us to be apart. Okay, okay, the truth… it was the car she didn't want to let go of, but, hey, I was in it, right? She jumped in with me and refused to get out, so what could I do?

He's stealing my car… You're stealing my car!

I'm borrowing your car. Now get out.

You're telling me to get out? This is my car. Actually, it's my mother's car, and if anything happens to it, life as I know it will be over. So wherever it goes, I go.

Fine, you had your chance.

Omigod! You're kidnapping me. No, wait, you're abducting me.

And that's how I abducted my first human. And I wasn't even a full-fledged member of the alien abductor's guild yet. Now, see, Maria's smiling now… but she wasn't smiling back then, when I was taking her car. She was, well, acting like she was… being abducted… or something. She managed to let Liz know what was going on and where she was with her cell phone, and then we had Liz, Max, and Isabel all chasing after us in Max's jeep. And Kyle was following them. Kyle couldn't figure out what we were up to. He just didn't want Liz around us. He was acting like the jealous boyfriend… ex-boyfriend, actually. The irony is that his dad, the sheriff, had started to figure things out already, and he didn't want Kyle in the way, but he couldn't tell Kyle what he knew… or what he thought he knew. That left Kyle trying to figure everything out on his own…

There's always something weird going on with them, Dad. Like… like today at the CrashDown. Max and Isabel leave in some big hurry and they take Liz with 'em. Like, right in the middle of our conversation… They just drove off… They're not home… They lied to their parents. It's just weird, you know?

You have any idea where they went?

No.

Yeah, well, I'm sure they'll turn up.

Dad, what do you know about Max Evans?

Kyle, stay out of this.

What do you know, Dad?

I'll talk to you later.

Valenti wanted to put all the pieces of the puzzle in place first, and he didn't want Kyle getting in the way, but his refusal to tell Kyle anything just guaranteed that Kyle would try to find out on his own. Meanwhile, Maria was still freaking out over being "abducted."

Marathon, Texas? That's like in another state.

It's only 3 more hours.

You are going to be arrested.

For driving to Texas?

Across a state line with a minor? In a stolen vehicle? There are laws, you know. And that cell phone you just tossed? Vandalism of personal property. God, I just… I knew you had criminal tendencies. You even drive erratically.

What's exactly wrong with my driving?

I told you not to go over eighty. The engine won't take it.

Maybe it's just tired of hearing you talk.

Oh… so what… what's in Marathon? Contraband? Some woman? What?

You wouldn't understand. You don't understand anything about us.

Listen, I already know more than I want to, okay?

See, it's all about you, isn't it? This could be the most important day of my life and all you care about…

That's when we heard the siren and noticed the police car behind us…

Are you happy now? Go ahead! Tell 'em I kidnapped you and I stole your car. I mean, what's one more arrest on my record, huh? Damn it!

What do you mean, this could be the most important day of your life?

Forget it.

You have 20 seconds to convince me.

See this place? It's the first real connection we've ever had to finding out where we come from, and it's in Marathon, Texas. If I don't get there, or if somebody else gets there first, the only link we've ever found will be gone.

I guess she must have believed me. Either that or she was crazy about me and just wouldn't admit it. What? Yes, you were! Admit it! You liked me. Yeah, okay, I liked you, too. But I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our getting back home. Max and Isabel and I had agreed… no entanglements. And you were definitely an entanglement. Well, I don't mind being entangled now. I like it, actually, now. But back then I was still fighting it… and denying it. And getting pulled over by a cop wasn't making my day -or my mood- any brighter.

Ninety-four! Where you going in such a hurry, son?

That's when Maria finally made up her mind whose side she was on…

I've really gotta pee. See… I… I've… I have this like really weak bladder condition and I drank a Big Gulp at the last station, and it had caffeine, you know, so it makes me have to go even more. So he was just driving really fast so we could get to the next station so I could pee.

Could I see your license, please?

Of course, officer.

There's a drive-thru about three miles up. Nice clean rest rooms. And watch your speed.

Maria looked at me with this really penetrating look… You owe me big.

I did… and I knew it. And that sent all kinds of mixed feelings through me, almost enough to give a displaced alien a meltdown. On the one hand, I was relieved, obviously. I wasn't going to get arrested again. On the other hand, I didn't like being obligated to anyone… and it had to be to Maria, of all people! That just had to come back to bite me somehow! And then there was this minor problem… this very uncomfortable… warm… cuddly feeling that Maria was giving me. It felt good, and that was just something I couldn't deal with. I had never felt that way before. Attraction… hormones… normal teenage lust… I was familiar with those things, but this was different. It scared the hell out of me. Because these feelings meant that I was losing a part of me… a part that Maria owned. I wasn't sure I could deal with that. But I also wasn't having much success fighting it. I was definitely not going to let her know that, though. The day I let her know that, it would all be over. I might as well practice yelling, "Honey, I'm home!" Mighty Mouse was suddenly looking pretty good! What? Yeah, I know I do, but I don't mind all that now. I like being the "man of the house" now. I like being married to you. But back then it scared the crap out of me. It was like I was jumping off a cliff, and I knew it, but I couldn't stop myself. All I could do was yell all the way down as I fell. What? No, I wasn't yelling, "Here I come to save the day." Let me tell this story, Maria. I'll be the Joker here if you don't mind.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah! Things got worse when the car suddenly decided to die… and Maria was, like, "I told you so."

Did you pull on the chokey thing?

Yes, I did pull on the chokey thing.

Hurry. Just do something. Go!

Don't tempt me.

Come on. Wiggle your nose, blink your eyes, do the Samantha-Jeannie alien thing. Come on.

I can't.

Why not? Come on! If there's ever a time to have secret powers, now is the time.

They're not secret powers.

I don't care what you call them! Just use them and get us out of here.

"What do you want me to do, Maria? Throw fireballs at it? Come to think of it, that's not a bad idea really!"

"Michael, don't you dare!"

"I could use my powers to lift it up and hang it in a tree maybe!"

"Just use them to fix it!"

"I can't! You have to know something about car engines, and I'm not a mechanic. I just know how to blow things up and throw bad guys around. I'm… still not very proficient… with my powers. I'm learning, okay?"

"Well learn while you're fixing Mom's car… please? I really don't want to spend the night out here, Michael. Just try?"

I sighed and opened the hood. I wasn't sure what to do, but maybe, I figured, if I touched… And then again, maybe not.

"What did you just do?"

"I humiliated myself, okay? I fried the engine! Apparently, Jettas aren't wired for super powers. Next time, tell your mother to get a Viper!"

My "super powers" had super fried Maria's engine… or, at least, the battery. Either way, it was obvious that we weren't going anywhere. I figured we would be spending the night in the car, so I climbed into the back seat and started to move this box out of the way… the one that Maria was supposed to deliver to the lift-off gas station for her mom… and when I touched it, this green alien… balloon creature… suddenly inflated in my face.

Well, that's nice.

What? What? My mother makes them. What… Where are you going!

See that motel over there? I want to get some sleep.

No, Michael. Wait.

"126 dollars… COD… cash preferred./i Isn't that what you said to the guy at the Lift-Off? Is that the going rate for a little humiliation now, Maria?"

"I told you, Mom makes them. They're just novelties… they're souvenirs. It's Roswell, Michael! Everybody makes money off of the aliens in some way or another."

"Yeah… Everybody but the aliens."

"I told you not to touch the box. Damn it, Michael, nobody told you to steal Mom's car anyway!"

Maria followed me into the motel, and I got a key and paid for a room. When I opened the door to the room, she looked around like she had just walked into a bordello.

iIt's like the porno version of Aladdin.

At least it's warm.

I don't even want to think about what I could catch in here.

You know, if you stop being such a princess about things…

Princess? No, no! I think I've been a pretty good sport up until now, but I'm cold, and I'm hungry, and I'm in some nookie motel with a guy I… I barely even know, and I… and I just… I really want to go home right now.

I wasn't going to admit it, but I could kind of see Maria's point. But then I told myself that she didn't have to jump back in the car again back there at the gas station. She could have been at home in her own bed right now. It was her own choice. Now I just had to convince myself of that.

Do you get hungry, Michael, just like the rest of us?

Yeah. Of course I get hungry.

What, uh… what other human urges do you feel?

Not if you were the last woman on Earth.

Ditto. And so you know, I am not gonna be getting an "F" on this assignment, so you better start answering some questions… right now, pally… and I mean for real. So… favorite ice cream flavor?

Pistachio.

Pistachio… favorite TV show?

Win Ben Stein's Money.

Ok, favorite book?

James Joyce… Ulysses.

You have not read Ulysses.

"What incensed him the most was the blatant jokes of the ones who pass it all off as a jest, pretending to understand everything and in reality not knowing their own minds." Page 655. Told you you wouldn't understand. Next question.

All right, how about just one personal question? You know, since I didn't turn you in back there. Why is it so important to you to find out where you come from?

Because there's gotta be something better out there for me than Roswell, New Mexico… What's so funny.

"I've had those same feelings. Is that why you're doing this Avenger stuff… to get away from Roswell? Isn't that kind of counter productive?"

"Yeah, well, who asked you!"

Maria told me about her dreams of being whisked away in a limo by her father, who comes back for them and is filthy rich now. And he takes Maria and her mom away from Roswell to live this great life of splendor and happiness somewhere far away.

Substitute a spaceship for the limo, and you see what I mean… I don't suppose we could share the bed?

Not if you were the last alien on Earth.

Maria took the bed, I laid down on the floor beside it, and we both went to sleep. But a short time later, the "three Musketeers" figured out where we were. They saw Maria's mom's Jetta outside. Liz wanted to knock, but Isabel chose to use her powers, and the sounds of the door unlocking woke Maria up. She rolled off the bed on top of me.

Aaah! Liz!"

Maria!

What are you guys doing here, Liz?

Um… well, we thought you were in trouble, but… yeah… I guess we were wrong.

No! No! You don't think… I mean, that is like so unreal! I mean… come on, would you tell them, Michael?

Come on, Honey, we don't have to lie.

Maria gasped and started hitting me. Yep, she liked me! Isabel just shook her head…

I believe you. The day Michael calls anybody "Honey," it's all over.

And then, as if things weren't already bad enough, Kyle just waltzed in through the open door. Everyone stopped talking and turned to look.

"Great! It's the fourth Musketeer! What do you want, Kyle?"

Why don't you go ahead and finish what you were saying? Or are you afraid that I'll find out what your little secret is? Are you afraid that I might find out what the hell you guys are doing out here… in the middle of nowhere… in the middle of the night?

Get out, Kyle.

I threw Kyle across the room, but he got back up and tried to get Liz and Maria to leave with him. They refused.

Just stop it, both of you, okay? This has gone so out of control! I am not your girlfriend anymore, Kyle.

Liz, I don't know what's going on here, and I don't care. I just want you to come back with me.

You don't belong here, Kyle. This is none of your business.

Kyle shook his head in disbelief. I don't know… I don't know what I ever saw in you.

He left, and Max offered to take us all home, but then Liz demanded to know everything. I wasn't too keen on the idea, but Isabel decided to tell her…

What do you want to know?

Everything.

That'll make you accomplices.

Go ahead.

Max and Isabel told Liz and Maria about the key and about my breaking into Valenti's office to try to find the picture Maria had seen from 1959… the one of the dead body with the handprint on it. They told them everything. And I filled in the gaps.

Liz looked thoughtful…

So you guys think that this key is gonna unlock the dome and then… and then you guys are gonna find something there… something that's gonna help you figure out where you actually come from?

Yes.

Then what are we waiting for?

"Morning," Max said, "Early. We need some sleep first. It's 2 AM."

"You guys sleep? Maria asked.

I groaned. "Yeah! Imagine that! Just like real people."

"Well, you don't have to be so huffy. It's not like I've met any aliens before. How would I know?"

"It's what I came into the motel to do. Remember?"

"Oh."

"You thought maybe… something else?"

"No! Of course not! I just know how you… how you think… sometimes."

I should have been angry, but all I could do was grin. I didn't let Maria see it, though. Max, Liz, and Isabel left and got another room. You know, I would have given a day out of my life to be a fly on the wall in that room. But I was tired. I don't remember drifting off to sleep again, but I did. The next thing I remember is Maria rolling off the bed on top of me again. We both woke up at the same time when she fell into my arms.

"This is getting to be a habit, Honey. Wouldn't it be easier in the bed?"

"No! It wouldn't!"

Okay, that was not Maria's voice… I jumped up quickly. Sheriff Valenti was standing over us.

"Maria, get your things together… I'm taking you home."

"Sheriff!"

"Now!"

I was pissed. Lord knows, I wasn't getting any sleep. And I guess I kind of blew up…

"What the hell is this! Grand Central Station? Are they handing out the key to our room now to everyone who walks in? Who's next… the Pope? Can't a guy get a little sleep… and PRIVACY? In his own motel room!"

Sheriff Valenti had always intimidated Maria for some reason, and she hurried to wrap herself in the blanket from off the bed. It wasn't like she was afraid of him like being afraid of a robber. He was more like a strict father figure. Her first thought was to defend herself… in her own way.

"I'm a big girl, Sheriff. I… I know what I'm doing."

"You think? Well, maybe you do, but I know what your mama will do… to ME… if I let you stay here tonight… with HIM."

"Did you come here to save me, Sheriff… or to save yourself?"

Valenti took a deep breath. "A little of both maybe. Actually, I came here to talk… to Michael."

I hadn't been prepared for that, and it definitely took me by surprise.

"Just talk? With me? You don't want to throw me in jail or something?"

Valenti shrugged. "That's one option. But you haven't done anything…" He looked at Maria sharply and added, "That I know of… yet. So I guess I'm just here to talk… unless Maria wants me to take her home."

Maria moved over next to me and leaned against me. It gave me that warm cuddly feeling again.

Sheriff Valenti nodded. "I guess I have my answer."

"What do you want from me, Sheriff? If you're not arresting me and I'm not doing anything wrong… why are you here?"

"I don't know that you're not doing anything wrong. I never said that. I just don't know that you are. I can't arrest you for what you might have done. Is there something I should arrest you for?"

Maria and I both shook our heads.

"Then I'm just here to talk. I've suspected a link between the two of you for some time. Strange things happen… and I find something that belongs to Maria. It's getting to be a regular habit. But it got me to thinking. Roswell's a pretty tame place… normally. But there are times when there are these annoying little problems that a sheriff can't do anything about… No proof or the perpetrator of the crime can't be found. And so I got to thinking. Here's someone who, by all appearances, WANTS to be a hero… and he's got the girl… just like in the movies. She provides him with… what? Cover? Supplies? Information? Whatever… you work together. Amy will probably rip my ears off, shove them up my rear, and tie them around my liver for even thinking about what I'm about to suggest, but… I have several unsolved cases that could use… special talents. And you need someone on your side. Well, someone besides just Maria. Actually, you both need someone on your side. Amy doesn't have to know about this, does she?"

Maria shook her head vigorously.

"Good."

Valenti appeared to relax a bit. "What I'm proposing is an alliance… of sorts. You see, Michael, I don't care what you are. I care WHO you are. I admit, that wasn't always the case, but some things have opened my eyes lately. And I've given it a lot of thought. If you wanted to cause trouble, you could do it. I don't mean the normal teenage stuff. I mean… real trouble… the kind somebody from… out there somewhere might be capable of. But you've never been that kind of person. You've been in trouble with the law, but it was regular stuff. And I know Hank. He's not an easy man to live with. I guess I could be wrong about you, but my gut is telling me that I should trust you."

"Go with that feeling, Sheriff."

"Yes, well… that's easy enough to say… quite another thing in practice… when you're the sheriff. Still…"

"What would you want me to do for you… in exchange for… being on my side?"

"Nothing too much… help out with a few old cases that went cold… and maybe a few new ones from time to time. Stuff like that. You wouldn't have to do anything really. I'll make the arrests. I just need your special talents to find a few people and get evidence for me. Think you could handle that?"

"You gonna shine a bat light up in the sky whenever you want me to come running?"

Valenti smiled. "I don't think the council would approve the cost. And they'd want to know what it was for. I'll figure something out that's less… dramatic."

"What if I said I don't need you on my side?"

"Oh, you do! Believe me! I'm not the only one out there looking for you. But I can give you protection… well, a lot more than you would have without me. I'm not saying I can guarantee you total protection, but it's better than nothing. What do you say?"

"What if I needed time to think about it?"

"Then think about it." Valenti stood up and put his hat back on. "You know where to find me.

Oh, and, Michael… you should lock this door. Anyone could just walk in." With that admonishment, Valenti walked out of the room and left. I held up my hand, and the door slammed shut and locked.

"Robin! He thinks we're Batman and Robin… him and me!"

Maria smiled. "I don't think he's comparing you to Robin, Michael. He's offering you a peace offering."

"One that I have to pay for. It's not free, Maria."

"It might still be worth considering, though, Michael, don't you think? I mean, at least he wouldn't be chasing you anymore."

"No, not if I just turn myself in to him… tell him everything… and then do his job for him."

Maria grinned. "Well, I'm glad to see you're considering it anyway."

I fell back onto the floor and closed my eyes… "I need sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a big day. Maybe I'll find out how to get home. Then I won't need Valenti… or anyone else."

Maria nodded then climbed back into the bed and covered herself up.

"Michael?"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Good night."

I held my hand up and the lights went out. Then I smiled.

"Good night, Maria."

End of Episode 105

tbc…