LOVE

FIFTEEN

"John?" she said again.

"What?"

"What's the matter?"

"As if you didn't know!" his voice sounded bitter, verging on nasty.

"No – I don't know! You're not thinking – you're emoting. All I sense coming from you are these incredibly intense, incredibly ambiguous feelings about…" she paused, not wanting to go on any farther but realizing she was trapped into continuing, "…about Jack."

He looked at her, clenching his jaw and apparently unable to speak. Again, for some reason, she felt compelled to push forward into new, uncharted territory.

"I had no idea – I mean you love him, John. You love Jack. And yet you despise him. Why…? What…?" finally her words failed her; she could go no further. This was not something she could dissect or troubleshoot or even understand without getting the man to open up and talk.

She reached for him but he turned away, got up out of bed and stood naked in front of her, staring at her like she was a stranger he'd never seen before. Then he held up his right arm as he formed his hand into a tight fist, "It's this thing," he said, turning his gaze to the leather strap on his wrist. "Will I never be unbound from him?" His face was livid, sneering. "We're like some pitiful divorced couple, unable to be totally free of each other, always needing each other for something or another. Always dependent upon each other. Always feeding off of each other. Never allowed to get on with our own lives! Will it never end?" His knuckles were turning white, the nails of his fingers biting into his palm.

"But John! He just saved your life. He came running…"

"Gods above! And don't you see? That's part of the problem! Do you think he hesitated for even a moment? That he had a breath of doubt in his mind when he saw the flashing blue light? No! Not Jack Harkness! He dropped everything and came!

"Do you not remember that I told you I've never been in a real, long-term relationship with anyone other than him? How could I ever be in such a relationship with someone else when Jack and I are always circling around each other like binary stars? What lover could ever top the dashing, heroic, amazing Captain Jack Harkness? What lover could fight against a history, a relationship, a man like that? Do you not see it? Do you not see why no other lover has ever stayed with me? It's not that the opportunity never presented itself! Who could go up against that? Against him? Against his enormous presence in my life? Who would want to? Who would choose to? Who could bare it?

"I myself can't withstand him! I cannot withstand his siren's clarion call. He snaps his fingers and I jump! It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I am or what I'm in the middle of. It has never mattered. All that matters in the end is him!"

John shook his head despondently then extended out his arms horizontally from his sides, his fingers outstretched into the air, his shoulder muscles tense. "You and I – we've been going through something here. The Gods only know exactly what the hell it is, but I know it's damn important and if we don't work through it… well, I'm not sure about you but I know I'll regret it because I think whatever this is, if we don't deal with it, it will end us. We won't survive as a couple. We'll self-destruct. But then Jack…"

Again he clenched his hands into fists and he shook them vehemently in front of his chest. "And the worst part of it? I see the same bloody thing in you, the same dreadful debility. Maybe not as extreme as what's infected me, but it's like I'm smelling blood in the water – I know, I can tell you're ready to drop everything to go to him. I know if I said no that you would leave anyway, abandon me here and race to him."

She made as if to argue but he cut her off. "I know this. Without a doubt I know this to be true and how do I know it? Because I am the exact same way. A few hours ago you were the single most important person in the universe to me. Working through our problems, talking about our future, nurturing our relationship, even discussing having a child together – they were the most important things in my life. And now…" he shook his head bitterly and then looked at her intently, "now all that matters is Jack. Can you deny it? Can you deny it is the same for you?"

He was trembling, his eyes more luminescent than she'd ever seen them, his face and body glistening with perspiration. She wanted desperately to fly to him, to hold him in her arms and to be held by him, but something stopped her. His emotions were nearly overwhelming her and yet she had to admit, she knew damn well, that everything he'd said was absolutely true.

But there was also something else there. She grasped for it…

"John, what you say – it may be right but it doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean that you don't love me. It doesn't mean that we can't be together. That we can't continue to build a future together. There's nothing I want more. Jack may be amazing, but…"

"But what? He is amazing! He's the best friend anyone could ever have. He's loyal. He's caring. He's brave. He's fearless. He's bloody perfect! And worse, he's contagious! He infects you with his loyalty, with his fearlessness. You want to become perfect, too, but compared to him, I'm nothing. I'm…"

Now she did stand up and face him directly, "You're whining, John."

He blinked. "What? Oh, right. Yes I am. I'm whining. And what of it? I've never hidden the fact that I'm a whiner and a coward and a liar and a cheat. Why the hell not whine? My life isn't my own. My relationship with you doesn't exist. And already there's a part of me – a big part of me – that's screaming enough already! Screaming that we need to put all else aside, put an end to this stupid argument and race to him. That what we're doing here is just wasting precious time. That I need to see him, touch him… and if he's in trouble, I need to save him, or die trying, just like he always saves me. Just like always! I'm trapped in an infinite loop, we're both trapped, Wil, and admit it – neither of us is going to say no. There are very, very few who can say no to Jack Harkness."

"Groundhog Day," she murmured.

"What?"

"Nothing… Forget about it. The question is, John, would you really want it any other way? Would you really want to break out of that infinite loop?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I could ask Grasshopper – with her help we have the ability to put an end to this, forever. To separate ourselves from him, from Captain Jack Harkness, permanently. The little blue light on your wristband would no longer flash, John. It would go dark, and so would his. There would be no more seeing, no more touching, no more saving. It would be so very simple to do, it would be instantaneous and it would be everlasting. The only thing remaining would be the memories. Jack would never know what happened to us. He would never be able to summon you again, or intrude on your life, or disrupt your relationships. You would be free of him. Is that what you want, John?"

His face was unreadable as he listened to her proposal. His answer, when it came, and in truth he did not need much time at all to think about it, was resolute; his words and his thoughts for once in perfect harmony.

"Are you joking? Come on, let's go."

-00-

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."
Herman Hesse