Codename: TABASCO
(The Awesome Background And Secret Chronicles Of Michael Guerin)
==Ep 113==
Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm trying to tell a story over here! What's going on there anyway? Zorel?
"Nothing."
I know "nothing" when I hear it, Zorel. "Nothing" doesn't sound like a two-headed bruggi baying under a full moon… with its tails caught in a kiji stun bush!
"That was Andya."
"Zorel was telling lies, Uncle Michael… about Mama… I had to thump him."
"Twice! She hit me twice!"
Zorel?
"I wasn't looking, Dad. She got in a sucker punch."
Twice? No… Forget that… Never mind! I don't want to know about that. What'd you say to her?
"Ow."
I don't mean after she thumped you. What did you say that started this… little war?
"I wasn't lying, Dad, honest! I just told her that Uncle Max got drunk once, and Aunt Liz went off with a mysterious gigolo, and they hid from everyone somewhere where no one could find them. You told us about it, remember? When she won a radio contest. See, Andya! Smooch, smooch! OW! ANDYA!!!!!
"MICHAEL!"
That's not exactly how I told it, Liz! Honest!
"Dad! She hit me again!"
You deserved it, Zorel! OW! LIZ?!!!
"You deserved it! GIGOLO?! Exactly what DID you tell these kids, Michael?"
It was innocent, Liz, honest. And I didn't say that the mystery guy you dated was a gigolo. Of course… I might have said the DJ was, but… Okay okay… I think it's time I set the record straight about this… episode… for everyone's sake. Damn, Liz, that's some right hook you've got!
"That wasn't a right hook, Dad, she just gave you a whack on the back of the head."
Zorel, unless you want a whack, too… on the fanny… I suggest you make like a Dozjian Xarmet and zip it.
"Ooh! Hey! I saw a Dozjian Xarmet once! They have these real neat things that work like zippers on their lips, noses, and eyelids, and they sleep all zipped up. It keeps the dust out of their mouths and eyes and all… because they live on a desert planet."
Varec, would it be possible to adapt a Xarmet's zippers to, say, a kid… about eleven years old?
"I don't know why not."
"I'm shutting up, Dad."
Okay… Now… If anyone wants to hear this, here's what really happened…
Episode 113
The Mysterious Dark Haired Man (Blind Date)
Goin' north on downtown main street, headed with my entourage… toward the winner of the KROZ blind dream date. An evening of fantasy and romance for one lucky listener that ends in the most exciting concert of the year, an intimate club date with a surprise mystery band that'll put this town on the map for more than just the crash… Right here at one of our finer local establishments, the CrashDown Café! Looking for our new Queen of Hearts, Miss Liz Parker!
Radio station KROZ was having a contest to find itself a "Queen of Hearts," and it seems that Maria decided to enter Liz's name in the contest. To make a long story short, Liz got picked, and she won the intimate date and dinner with the "man of her dreams," as well as tickets to a concert featuring a mystery band that was supposed to "put Roswell on the map for more than just the crash." I think that's how the guy put it. Alex's band wound up playing, and Maria filled in for their singer, who had mono. But how that happened is a whole 'nother story, and we won't go there right now. Anyway, this DJ struts into the CrashDown like he's the papa peacock in the peacock harem, and he says, "Congratulations, Liz Parker, your life is about to change because we're gonna find you that dream man you've been searching for." Then he asks her what's running through her mind right at that moment, and she smiles sweetly and says, 'nothing that I can say on live radio.'
I always loved Liz's retorts. They're subtle and understated and tend to fly right over the heads of the boobs they're aimed at, probably because she has this innocent sort of "Who, me?" look; but to anyone with half a brain and one good ear, I gotta admit, her comebacks are pretty sharp… not altogether unlike her right hook. But I digress. Okay… I didn't hear the DJ, personally. Maria told me about it all later. But Maria does great imitations! It's like being there! Sometimes even better!
The thing about Max being drunk, see, is, well, Kyle had had a bit to drink. He had gone out with Liz a few times before she and Max became an item, and it seems he wasn't taking Liz's date with the mystery man any better than Max was… maybe worse, actually, if that's possible, 'cause up to then Max had been putting up at least a semi-successful front, trying to pretend that he was fine with the whole affair. Not that anyone with eyes couldn't see otherwise. But Kyle spots Max, see, and having had a few drinks already and being kind of mellow and soppy, he starts commiserating with Max, and he convinces Max to take a sip, too, not knowing that our physiology couldn't process alcohol as efficiently as his. Earthlings are eons ahead of us on that score. Drinks on Antar have a very different molecular makeup.
The truth is, Liz wasn't thrilled about the whole blind date contest thing. It was Maria who thought it would be a great opportunity for Liz to date a mystery guy… since Liz and Max were sort of on the outs at the moment…
I don't know what the problem is, Liz. This could be big! Your dream guy! Tailor made! The human version!
Okay, Maria… 'Embarrassing,' 'humiliating,' 'mortifying…' I don't know. Pick your SAT word. I'm not forgiving you for a very, very long time!
What is wrong with a normal date with a normal guy for once? Look, it's not like Max has changed his mind or anything. He dumped you. Think about it. That's all I'm saying.
As far as I was concerned, at the time, Liz could run away with any mystery man she wanted, or even with the fruity DJ himself, and I would have given them my blessing. It would have freed up Max for more profitable pursuits, like looking for "Nasedo." Nasedo was one of us… the fourth alien. Max and Isabel weren't so keen about finding this "Nasedo," though. She kept reminding me that Hubble said he was a killer, and I reminded her that Hubble was a certifiable loony-toon and couldn't be trusted. But I knew more than I was admitting. Jim had told me about the mysterious alien Hubble was looking for. I knew things that, well, if Isabel had known, she would have been impossible to deal with. So I kept some stuff to myself. Maybe there were reasons for what Nasedo did. Maybe he had to do what he did. I didn't want to judge him. I wanted to find out that he was our father. And that brings me to the crux of this little story…
I needed Max to help me find this guy, but Maxwell was all distraught about Liz being matched up with some mystery dude by a fruity DJ. Okay, Max wasn't admitting it, but like I said, it wasn't hard to see. He acted all cool and indifferent when he thought Liz would still be his and his alone at the end of the day, even if he ignored her, but when he thought he might be about to lose her, he freaked out… big time. Yes, you did, Max! I mean, I'm not saying I'm blameless in all of this. See, I told Max… many times… that he should cool it with Liz… for all our sakes. Fine time to start following my advice! But you were acting indifferent, Max! I wouldn't blame Liz if she had run away with the mystery dude. You have to let women know that you care, if you do, Max, like me with Maria; you can't ignore them. MAX? MAX! Don't do that! Put the crabs down. Come on, I wasn't saying that you DIDN'T care about Liz back then! I just meant that you shouldn't have listened to me. Heck, [b]I[/b] didn't even listen to me! Now put the crabs down… and step away slowly. Come on… a little more. A little more… That's better.
"Michael, what did YOU do to show me you loved me back then?"
What do you mean? Maria, I did a lot of stuff to let you know I loved you! I… I made that thing for you in shop, remember? I never did that for no other girl. I did a lot of stuff for you that I never did for any other girl. I said a lot of stuff I never said to any other girl… It wasn't easy. I wasn't raised to show affection and sentimentality. Hank's idea of closeness was… mostly the reason I avoided him… or tossing me a beer to pour over my wounds… to kill the germs… after he split my head or lip open. I had no concept of how to accept real love, much less how to show it. Maybe I made some mistakes. But I changed for you, Maria. I changed my life. I came out of a shell that I had sworn never to remove. I did it… 'cause it was you."
"I just like to hear you remind me, Michael… of the NICE things about you, I mean. And remind yourself, 'cause there was a lot that I saw to love about you then, even inside that shell. I just didn't know where to find a hammer big enough to break it. You had to give me a little help."
Yeah… well, I know. I guess Max wasn't the only one who acted cool and aloof sometimes. But I did love you, Maria. You know I did. I DO love you.
"That's all we want to hear. Right, Liz?"
"Right! You hear that, Ma…x… Mmmmph… mmmmmm."
Aw, sheez! Okay, Max, Come on! Max! Get a room! Come up for air, Max, I've still got more of this story to tell. Max! Alright, have it your way. You and Liz can listen while you… whatever…
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was sayin' Ummmmph… Mari- mmmm. Oh, hell… the story… mmmm… can wait!
"Hey, Zorel, I just figured out why our parents always say the water's running upstairs and then disappear when they start kissing at home."
"Why, Maya?"
"Well, look at your dad. He's sweating. But it's not hot."
"I think it is for him."
"Are you up to finishing this story, Guerin?"
"Don't start, Kyle! I can multi-task. I can do a lot of things that baffle the less gifted like yourself."
"Ooh, touchy! Well, if you guys are finished bringing Yasger's farm to the other side of the universe, I for one would like to hear the rest of this story."
You aren't old enough to remember Yasger's farm, Kyle.
"I read about it."
Is that how you learned, uh, everything? Reading about Woodstock?
"I can hold my own, Michael. Trust me! There are things that don't require a book."
Just wondering.
"He can, Michael!"
I'll take your word for it, Jeliya. An investigation won't be necessary. Returning to the story… 'cause I think we got off the track here somewhere. Not that I'm complaining! I like sidetracks… sometimes… when… anyway… Nasedo! I was talking about Nasedo… I think. Yeah, I was. Max and Isabel and I discussed the matter of Nasedo at the CrashDown.
Alright, look, Max… We know the cave painting is a map.
Michael, we don't know anything.
I feel it, okay? I mean, it was clear in my hallucination.
Hallucination would be the key word there.
Max was definitely not interested in looking for Nasedo, and he didn't mince any words about it. Isabel, on the other hand, seemed to understand my need to find him, but she was no more inclined to go looking for him than Max was, which left me pretty much where I started… at first base with no hits… and two strikes. But later I decided to try one more time to convince Isabel. If anyone was going to give in it would be her. I made my way over to the Evanses' house and knocked on Isabel's window…
Come in.
Hey!
What're you doin'?
I think I've figured it out. I can read the map. Come on, I'll show you!
But what about the concert? Alex got us tickets!
Well, it's either the concert or discovering where we come from!
Well, what about Max? Shouldn't we at least…
What ABOUT Max? Last I heard, he didn't seem too interested, remember?
He's just worried, Michael… worried about you.
Yeah, look, the only father I need is the one out there waiting for us to find him. Let's go!
Fortunately, Max wasn't using his jeep, so I borrowed it, and Isabel and I drove to the library.
That means something, Isabel! It's right here on the map. Look. This is the constellation I saw in my dream… Aries the Ram! I looked it up, and this is the symbol Nasedo left us at the cave. If you take a map of Roswell and you position it properly when Aries is directly overhead, which is in April by the way, all the rest of these symbols take on locations. And this one's right here… at the library!
How'd you know how to do that, Michael?
I just knew.
I don't think we should be doing this.
Isabel, he sent us a signal. We've gotta send him one back. This is how we're gonna find him!
Yeah, but what if he's…
What if he's the killer? There's only one way to find out.
I spread some old ropes out on the grass in the shape of the symbol from the cave and poured gasoline on them. I don't know what I expected. That Nasedo would suddenly appear in the center of the burning symbol, like some demon summoned up from hell? Or maybe that he was gonna pop out like a jack-in-the-box when the crank hits the right spot? Anyway, when Nasedo didn't show up I asked Isabel to wipe out the symbol with her powers so nobody would know we'd been there. I felt dejected… disappointed… depressed… dumb… deceived. Pick your dreary "D" word. After all, Nasedo had left that symbol for us so we could find him. He must have. So why didn't he come? I decided to work out my disappointment by going to see Jim to see if he had any cases I could help him with. What a laugh, huh? Here he'd been chasing after me all this time, and I just show up on his doorstep and offer my services to him like I'm one of his deputies coming to work.
Well… not exactly on his doorstep…
"Come in, Michael."
"How did you know it was me? You didn't even turn around."
"Don't need to. Who else climbs in through my window? On the second floor? A window that's locked and bolted from the inside?"
"Somebody might. You never know."
"They might. If they're like you."
"Yeah, well, I'm not the only one 'like me.' There's that guy Hubble was looking for. Did you forget him?"
That thought seemed to unnerve Jim, but only for a second. He recovered quickly.
"Not likely, Michael. He's more interested in staying out of my sights… not placing himself in them. Whoever he is, wherever he is, he's not going to just waltz up and say hello."
"Yeah, so I found out."
"Huh?"
"Nothing. Look, Sheriff, I came here because… because I need to take my mind off some stuff and I thought maybe you might be able to give me one of those assignments you said you could use some help with. Something a little more 'substantial' than the last time. I want to help you solve something that you really want solved… badly. Something big."
Jim swallowed then exhaled a long, drawn-out breath…
"I'm not sayin' I don't want your help, Michael. I do, and you know it. But… if I let you go running around Roswell rounding up bad guys for me people are going to start noticing. And not just any people… City Hall! The mayor! Judge Lewis! You would be very hard to explain, Michael. Especially to Judge Lewis! He's never been my biggest fan, and he'd love to catch me making a misstep."
"I'll keep out of sight, Sheriff… I'll stay under the radar. Nobody else will know about me. I'm sure you must have some case that you really, really want solved… bad enough to think up some explanation for… for how you bagged the perp."
Jim's lips pressed involuntarily into a thin, tight line, and I knew I had him. There was something he wanted, and he wanted it bad enough to accept my help… despite the risks. He knew it. I knew it. I just had to get him to say it.
"Alright. Alright. You asked for it. Remember that, Michael."
Jim walked to his desk and pulled out a thick file. He held it in his hand for a moment, almost as though he was having second thoughts, then dropped it on the desk in front of me. I reached down and opened it cautiously. A photo. It was a middlish-aged man, probably mid thirties. Lots of tattoos. Not that I had anything against tattoos. But this guy's tattoos all seemed angry. You know, knives, snakes, demon heads, dripping blood, stuff like that. I read the name…
"Brad Deakin. What'd he do?"
"Keep reading. It's all there."
I scanned the list of arrests. "Nice guy! Car theft, home invasion, fraud, assault and battery, attempted murder… Is there anything this guy hasn't done?"
"Not much. But none of that is why I'm risking everything to let you go after him."
"Attempted murder seems like a pretty good reason to me."
"Yeah. Look at the next page, Michael."
I flipped the page over, and my heart caught in my throat. My eyes closed involuntarily, and I looked away.
"See, Michael?"
"Who was she?"
"His daughter."
I thought I couldn't be more shocked than I already was, but I was wrong. I glanced at the photo again and quickly covered my mouth. For a moment, I actually thought I was going to lose my lunch in my hand."
"Why?"
Jim shrugged. "Deakin wasn't living with his wife. She had the kids… and a restraining order to keep him away. But sometimes restraining orders aren't worth the paper they're written on, Michael, if the one they're supposed to be restraining feels like he has nothing to lose anymore. Deakin grabbed his daughter on her way home from school one day. Some hikers found the body the next day. Apparently, he beat her… hard. And that's not all, but… we needn't go there. Anyway… afterwards he started thinking about the possible consequences to himself if she ever got away or was rescued. He needed to get rid of the evidence of what he'd done."
"Her."
"Yeah."
"His own daughter!"
"Animals like this act in ways that are incomprehensible to the rest of us, Michael. They don't know love or honor. Just self-preservation. He choked her to death… then he took the body into the woods and poured acid over it. The only reason she was still identifiable at all was that it rained that afternoon… hard."
"Where is he now?"
"I don't know. He went into hiding after the body was identified. But he's still in Roswell, we're pretty sure of that. Probably in the woods… in a cave or somewhere. He's had a lot of survival training. This guy could live in the wild the rest of his life with no problem. But we have a more pressing problem with him than even what you've seen here."
I looked up, and Jim read the surprise on my face.
"Yeah, hard to believe, isn't it, Michael."
"More pressing… how?"
"This animal has a son… about six years old. He got the boy and took him with him into hiding."
"Would this guy… you know… I mean… is he…"
Jim shrugged. "We don't know. We think it's to get back at his ex-wife, because he left a note for her saying he was gonna raise his son to be a "real man." Apparently, he intends to bring his son up in the wild… teach him survival techniques… and raise him to be just like himself. Deakin has a twisted sense of fatherhood. Michael, I really want to get that boy away from him. He's just a child. You'll have to stay under the radar, as you so aptly pointed out yourself. Wherever you go, you'll need to have an alibi for why you're there and what you're doing. You can't ever let on that you're looking for Deakin."
"Maybe I can."
"How do you mean?"
"Well, Deakin is a hardcore bad dude, and he's been in prison before. He must have 'acquaintances' out there who might come looking for him… let's say, to pull the job of a lifetime… something that would guarantee them both enough money so that he could leave Roswell and live anywhere in the world as a rich man and have everything he wanted… live any way he wanted… with enough money to make corrupt local authorities look the other way. Sheriff… if I talk to anyone, I'll be, uh… Griff Jackson… a former cellmate of Deakin's who claims he just wants to find his old buddy."
Jim sighed. "It could work… I guess. Assuming he actually had any old 'buddies' in prison.
"He does now."
"Griff Jackson, huh?"
"That's me… in case you hear the name mentioned."
"I'll remember. I assume you plan to leave the same way you entered?"
"Yeah. Doors are so last year."
Jim smiled and laid a hand on my shoulder. Then he took it away and nodded. "Michael… thanks. And good luck… son."
I nodded back silently. There was nothing to say. Nothing I could say. Then I hopped out the window, after checking to see that there was no one around. Jim closed it back behind me.
A few blocks away, I stopped in the shadows for a moment and watched. The elementary school was just letting out, and kids were pouring out the doors, laughing, talking with each other, happy… kids just like Deakin's daughter… the same age. I rammed my fist into the side of the building and closed my eyes for a moment. What kind of animal…? No, not even an animal… What kind of monster…?
And now it's time for us to check in with our Valentine's Day dream girl. We're comin' to you live from the CrashDown Café, where it's blind date quiz time with Roswell's most eligible bachelorette, Liz Parker… And may I just say to our listeners that they are missing a sweet soda shop treat by not being here to see what a knockout you really are, Liz. Even with the antennas.
Thank you.
You mean to tell me you don't already have a boyfriend?
Umm, no… not right now.
Well, whoever let you get away is gonna be kickin' himself when you're out with your dream date on Friday night. Now answer some questions for me now, Liz. Do you like blonds or brunets?
Uh, brunets.
Okay… hometown boys or out-of-towners?
Well, umm, hometown boys are okay, but…
I hear the sound of broken hearts all over Roswell. Brainiac or class clown?
Yeah, I'm not into clowns.
Open books or challenges?
Yeah, I guess I'm always up for a challenge.
It sounds like we've gotta find you a serious, dark-haired, mystery man from an exotic place by Friday night! Is Liz Parker's "Mister-Right" listening out there?
Liz wasn't terribly thrilled about it, but her date with the mystery man was on the fast track and she couldn't stop it. I happened to be listening on the radio, in Max's Jeep, and I heard the DJ's comment about finding Liz a "serious, dark-haired, mystery man from an exotic place." I had to chuckle and shake my head. That description had Max written all over it! Max really did have a spell on Liz, and she couldn't see it. That's when I realized that she wouldn't be able to break free of him even if they strutted all the studs of New Mexico in front of her. She was hooked… in a serious way. I can't say I was thrilled about it, but if it had to be someone, I guess Liz was a great choice… for Max, I mean. After all, I had Maria. I was still fighting that, too, back then, but trying to forget Maria was like flapping my arms and trying to fly. It wasn't gonna happen no matter how hard I tried, and deep inside I already knew it. Isn't it funny how you know these things instinctively, even when you're in denial?
And Max, well, Liz's date with a mystery man was like a strong jolt of coffee in the face for him… a wake-up call that stings. And he wasn't taking it lying down. Moping outside Liz's window while she was getting ready for her date, yeah… but not lying down.
What are you doing here, Max?
I couldn't just let you find another guy. I love you, Liz. I'll always love you.
Unfortunately for Max, he got interrupted, and Liz had to leave for her mystery date. But he needed the extra shock. And he got it! Big time!
Doug Shellow! Doug's a freshman at the University of New Mexico who studies ancient languages and hopes one day to be an archeologist… a job, Liz, that will take him to exotic locations all over the globe uncovering mysterious lost civilizations. And just look at that thick, luxurious head of brown hair. Go ahead, Liz. Come on, Liz, I know you want to! Just run your fingers through it, just once! Come on, he won't bite ya… Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. And now it's off for a romantic dinner for two at Chez Pierre, where we leave off and l'amour does the rest.
Max watched from outside the restaurant, with Kyle, who was getting drunker by the second, as Liz and her mystery date ate. The DJ was really playing it up…
I think our new valentines, Liz and Doug, look like they're ready for dessert.
And Kyle… good old Kyle… wasn't helping, though he was trying to be sympathetic… Then the DJ called for Liz and Doug to kiss…
Now usually this doesn't happen till the end of the evening, but how about letting us in on that first kiss, right now? Come on, Doug, just like we practiced.
Just like we practiced? The DJ? and Doug? Practiced… together? I knew there was something weird about that DJ! Anyway, Doug dips Liz back and gives her a soft kiss, then suddenly they both take off through the kitchen and out the back door together and lose the DJ… and Max. Then Kyle offers Max a sip of his booze, but Max says he doesn't drink.
Just one sip! One sip! What's it gonna do, kill you? No. No, it's gonna calm you down, man. It's gonna, just, you know… take the sting away. Just try it… Just trust me, nothin' bad's gonna happen.
That's how Max came to be drunk. He just took one sip. That's all it takes for us. Earth alcohol is not compatible with our physiology! But it did take away Max's inhibitions, and in retrospect, that wasn't such a bad thing at that moment…
We're beaten, Max.
Not unless we give up, Kyle.
Well, in case you haven't noticed, we're here in the gutter while she's off smooching with dog boy.
We're gonna win her back.
We are?
We're gonna show her how we feel about her, and she's gonna forget all about Mr. Shallow and come back to us.
Shellow.
Come on.
Well, how do we split her up, exactly, Max? Every other week? Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays… alternate Saturdays?
Max and Kyle! Commiserating with each other! Talking about sharing Liz! I looked up involuntarily. For a moment, I expected to see pigs flying overhead.
Somehow, Max and Kyle wound up in Liz's room above the CrashDown, where Kyle decided to go diving in Liz's underwear drawer, which is where he was when Liz walked in on them. I wasn't there, but that was one time I wished I could have been. At least, I would've loved to have been a fly on the wall! Liz quickly realized that Max was drunk and started making excuses for him, and that kind of ended her date with Shellow, who was standing behind her. I guess he wasn't into drunken orgies; though from what I heard, he was so confused about what was going on that he probably would have consented to anything… if Kyle hadn't kept him in the living room away from Max and Liz so the two of them could talk. I was still listening on the radio in Max's Jeep, as the freaky DJ was having his own orgy watching what was going on… or what he thought was going on… through Liz's window. You'd've thought he was a regular peeping Tom. And I'm not saying that he wasn't. He did seem to have a lot of experience in that, uh, field. He was enjoying himself way too much!
I knew it, people! Doug's already maneuvered his way into the bedroom with… another guy? This is… this is about the wackiest thing I've seen in a long time! Doug in the bedroom with another guy… while another dark-haired mystery man steals Liz away into the night! Wait a minute, what's this? Ladies and gentlemen, who is M.E., And what has he done with our dream girl?
Max had made his and Liz's initials appear in a heart, in neon lights. And while the DJ was panting and moaning into his microphone, imagining everything that was going on, Liz and Max escaped together and ran down a dark street. It's probably good that the DJ didn't see what happened after that…
Max! Max, please. We have to stop. Please, we have to stop.
Let's just keep running, you and me, away from here, away from everything. I see everything so clearly now. We'll go some place where no one knows us. As long as we're together, nothing else matters.
You're drunk. Nothing that you're saying is true.
It's all true, Liz. It's how I really feel. It's all just magic when I think about you.
Max touched a lamp post and caused the light to shine in a pattern…
Max, turn it off! Anyone can see!
And when I'm not with you… I go crazy.
He touched a car, and its alarm went off.
Max!
When you're here…
Oh, Max, please!
You're my dream girl, Liz.
And what if I believe you tonight?
Then we live happily ever after.
And then what about tomorrow, when you go back to realizing who you really are and all of your fantasies go away?
I'll still have you.
This can never be normal, Max.
Max touched the tops of some parking meters, and they started sparkling.
What's so great about normal?
At the club, later, after Liz called a taxi to take her and Max back, the DJ was waiting… and eager to make the most of the changed social situation. When Liz asked to go home, he stopped her…
Hold on there, dream girl. You're not gonna get off so easy. I mean, look at these guys. You got 'em hanging on by a string, and I think you owe it to them, and the KROZ listeners, to make a choice here and now. Will it be Doug, the dream man we chose for you, the ex-boyfriend, Lyle,
Kyle!
Or Max, who kidnapped you, and vandalized your home? What do you have to say for yourselves, men? Doug?
I thought she just wanted a normal date.
Ok, go for it, Kyle.
Hey, I'm just happy to be nominated… and I think I'm gonna puke.
Alright, well, convince her, Max.
Max stepped forward and put his arms around Liz then gave her a long and very passionate kiss. When he did, they both saw flashbacks of all the good times they had spent together. And for the first time, the DJ said something intelligent…
Well, it looks like we've found our winner.
Unfortunately, Max's uninhibitedness wore off at that moment, and he started apologizing. Then he walked away. Liz ran after him…
Wait, Max! Max! Did you really mean everything that you said when we were alone tonight?
I don't remember. What did I say? I didn't mean to ruin your night.
You didn't.
Ah, Max! Even the DJ could see that you were the one Liz really wanted. I mean, everybody could see it. But you couldn't make yourself say what you really felt in your heart without something to pry loose those kingly inhibitions! Well, don't despair, Liz. I hear there's a little bottle store near the capitol in Washington D.C., not far from Dan Klein's office. He and Diane'll be happy to bring you back a few bottles from time to time to keep Max mellow.
"You don't need to feel sorry for Liz, Michael. She sees my non-kingly person every day these days. And I'm plenty mellow these days… with Liz anyway. I don't need the earth booze, thank you. Keep it for yourself."
I don't need anything but Maria.
"And I don't need anything but Liz… and my kids."
Well, yeah, of course. I meant that I don't need anything else "that way," you know what I meant. Of course, I need my kids, too!
"We've all changed, Michael. We're not crazy teenagers from 'out there somewhere' trying to find our way and feeling insecure and unsure of what we're even supposed to be anymore."
No, you're right. We're crazy parents trying to keep our sanity… when one of our kids repeats something we said and puts his own spin on it.
"But we love 'em."
That we do. But I still think the Dozjian Xarmet zippers could have real promise. Varec could make it work!
"Dad!"
"Just kidding, Zorel!"
"This looks bad, Michael. What happened?"
"I hit a building."
"Oh! What did it do to you?"
"It got in the way."
"Well, I guess that's a good reason… Look, if you don't want to tell me it's okay."
"Kids."
"Kids?"
"Yeah. What kind of animal kills its own kids, Max?"
"I don't know… None that I know of. At least, not usually. You want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Okay."
"It's nothing, Max. I was just thinking about Hank, I guess."
"Are you in danger, Michael? Is Hank hurting you? I mean, I know he's pretty mean sometimes… when he's drinking. But if you need help, well, Dad's an attorney, you know…"
"No. Forget it, Max. I shouldn't have said anything. I was just… thinking about stuff I've got to do… taking care of a demon."
"Your hand's fine now. I can fix stuff like that, Michael. It's the other stuff that worries me. I hope you crush your demon."
"I will, Max. Believe me! I will… when I find it! Oh! And thanks for taking care of my hand."
"No sweat. I'm sure the building got the worst of it."
"Yeah."
End of Episode 113
tbc