A/N: Poor Light…having to deal with an l doll that sees perversion in everything Light does. And he can say such things with a straight face. I love L!

Disclaimer: I don't own…L or Light…but Relk is mine.

This had to be one huge crazy dream. Light didn't believe it, any of it. Not the living doll sitting on one of his textbooks or this insane manual with all the dramatic warning notices on each page. Maybe he had given himself a concussion when he hit his head on the bed.

"I know that you are not illiterate,' L said calmly. "In fact, judging from this large stack of books, you are a voracious reader. So, your inability to read the manual must stem from your preoccupation with my body."

"Don't flatter yourself," Light growled.

L blinked. "Why shouldn't I? After all, I don't suffer from low self-esteem."

Light groaned. "Of course you don't. You also don't have any shame. Do you really have to sit around naked like that? You're putting your ass on my science book. That's disgusting."

L cocked his head to one side. "I bathed before I was packaged and since I have not been opened since you found me, I am still clean. And anyway, I was plastic the whole time, so I have not been sweating."

"This has to be a dream," Light muttered. "It has to be."

"I could pinch you if you'd like, although you might not feel it. But I promise to do my best to injure you."

"Gee, thanks," Light muttered sarcastically.

"It's only fitting that I do this, considering how you have harmed me." L grasped his wounded member with both hands and stared down at it. "I'm fortunate that you weren't angry at me. You could have rendered me incapable of reproducing."

'Would you stop playing with yourself?" Light growled. "You really have no sense of shame."

L blinked. "I'm not playing. This is a serious matter. I'm fortunate that I am not hurt worse than I am. You are of a large size and the mere flick of your fingers causes me excruciating pain."

Light frowned. "Excruciating pain, huh? You're not acting like it."

L gazed at him innocently. "I am a stoic individual. I was merely checking to see if I had become bruised or was bleeding. But if examining my genitals causes you to become distracted, I shall cease."

Light groaned and buried his head in his hands. "Could you just-ugh-stay somewhere out of sigh and let me read in peace?"

"Certainly,' L said calmly. "I do not wish to distract you." He hopped down off Light's textbooks and with a strange shuffling gait, walked across the desk. L awkwardly grasped the cord from Light's computer monitor and swung to the ground.

Light sighed in relief. "Much better."

Light skimmed through the manual's warranties, quality assurances, choking hazards and miscellaneous crap about materials used in making the doll. Blah, blah, blah. Okay, now here was the part about L.

"Toyco brand merchandise is created to be used only in a specific manner. Any unauthorized uses will nullify the warranty. To get the best use from L the lifelike doll, an instruction manual is included with the product. Please read this manual in its entirety before operating the doll."

Well, too late for that now. Light read on.

"L the lifelike doll is not meant as a toy for young children. Improper or rough handling may cause damage to particularly sensitive parts."

Light glared at L heatedly. Damn, why did L want him to read this crap?

L stared back at Light impassively. "That warning was meant to discourage perverts. It is a pity you didn't read the manual before molesting me."

"How the hell do you know what part I was reading?" Light demanded.

L shrugged. "Judging by your expression, it was rather obvious."

"As obvious as this fucking manual?" Light snorted and tossed the book aside. "Piece of crap. Well, duh, you could get hurt. You're human."

'Well, Raito-kun has already managed to injure me,' L said curtly. "That was due to his refusal to read the manual. So I suggest that he read the rest."

"It's stupid," Light protested. 'Tell me something I don't know."

'Raito-kun, I-"

"Okay, stop right there. How do you know my name?"

L sighed. "Is that really important to know?"

"You better tell me," Light growled. He grabbed L in his fist, pinning the doll's arms to his sides. 'Is there some weird psychic power that you have too?"

"No," L gasped out. "Release me, please. I can't breathe. You're crushing my lungs."

"No! Tell me how you know all this stuff about me."

"Your books," L said weakly. "You name is on the inside cover."

Light put L back down on the desk reluctantly. He was still suspicious. "Yeah, well, I guess if you came to life you can be psychic too and I shouldn't freak out. But keep those damn powers to yourself. I don't want to know if you're reading my mind. It gives me the creeps."

"I cannot read anyone's mind,' L said stiffly. He wobbled as he walked back over to Light's stack of textbooks and leaned against them. "If Raito-kun had read the manual, he would have known this."

'I'm not reading that crap,' Light declared.

"Oh? Let me tell you about the rules governing my existence. Rule number two states this 'removal of L's clothing will lead to the doll taking on human attributes. Removing only part of L's clothing will cause him to take on only certain qualities.' So…in other words, how human I become depends on how much clothing you remove."

"So that's rule number two? That seems like it should be rule number one. It's really the most important thing to know about you, right? So, what is rule number one anyway?"

"'L is prone to injury and must be handled with-ow!" L rubbed at his shoulder and frowned at Light mildly. "Raito-kun seems to have a blatant disregard for my safety."

'Yeah, dumbass. You're just some toy I picked up thinking I could give you to my sister. But you have-" He stopped and sighed heavily.

"Genitals? Testicles? A penis? A scrotum?" L supplied helpfully.

Light glared at him. 'Shut the hell up. Here you are accusing me of being a pervert and you talk like that. Put some clothes on so I can stuff you back in your box and toss you out with the trash."

L frowned. "That is not very hospitable of you."

"Give me a break. I don't need a living doll. At least you won't feel it when I toss you out if you're a doll again."

L sighed. 'Well, once Raito-kun dresses me up, I will be an immobile doll. If he chooses to do such things, I cannot stop him."

Light scowled. "Dress yourself."

"I cannot dress myself. The more articles of clothing I put on, the more doll-like I become. But if you wish for me to remove my genitals from your sight, and you do not want the temptation of touching me, I shall put on Relk's costume."

"I thought you said you couldn't dress yourself?"

"Only my own clothing has the special properties of turning me into a doll and human form."

Light groaned. 'Really, what am I going to do with you?"

"You'll think of something," L said cheerfully. "In the meantime, I would like to get to know you. After all, you are my new master."