"Rrgh…and where was I in the previous part of the chapter!? Oh, give me a break…" Don Patch kicked away the title page for the last part of the chapter and replaced it with a flashy background of his own.
"Somebody get me my shrink before I launch this AK-47 at this billboard of Softon…please…" Don Patch began to go crazy and began to shoot at Softon's billboard, making Softon, who watched from his crystal ball, faint.
"Haaa…must…destroy…MOOORE!" Don Patch jumped off-screen and re-landed in a massive Megas XLR style robot, rampaging through the Obsidian Region and shooting it off like a berserk mental patient.
"MUAHAHAHAH! MUST DESTROY NINJAS!"
Don Patch flew around the entire kingdom and stumbled across a region named the Ammolite Region, which was full of ninjas. Don Patch gazed across the fields, spotted a sign that spelled "Ninja Skewl," and began to power up his guns as he heard and saw a little ninja dash across.
"I'm a ninja, ninja, ninja, ninja!" the little ninja shouted from below.
"Enough!" Don Patch unleashed his anger by shooting the ninja to death fifty times over. The Ammolite Region was then taken by the Topaz Region in a contract-signing deal (which was actually more of a threat for civil war).
And so, the now-taken Ammolite Region had learned that ninjas blow ass because all they have are those crappy ninja tools and their stupid charisma that sucks. The end.
"Why won't you just die already!?" Don Patch encrypted his system and pulled out a massive machine gun that obliterated the Narrator, his blood spilling.
-X-
Chapter 3
"Invincible" Master Giga, Spirit Eater
(Part 6: The Ultimate Battle: Pirates vs. Ninjas!? BELGIAN WAFFLES!)
"Try this on for size!" Giga's heart charged up raw energy and launched a multitude of phagocytes that began to creep around and scatter about. The party dashed off, finding elevation to avoid the germ-like prokaryotes. Serviceman curiously touched one and wound up having his finger explode into a million pieces.
"What are those things!?" Heppokomaru shouted, shooting a mass of them with his two pistols.
"They're some kind of germ…I think…er…can't…concentrate…." Chagecha's mind went into a meltdown.
"Why not!?"
"To busy…disputing…which is better…pirates or ninjas…" Chagecha's thoughts took a visible bubble form and featured a wrestling-style match between a pirate and a ninja.
"You're so damn hopeless!" Heppokomaru freaked out.
"Oh yeah!? Well, moo!"
Heppokomaru raised an eyebrow. "Moo?"
"Yeah. That's right! Moo! So there!"
"Whatever, dude…"
Giga's humanoid-shaped heart landed a blow onto Bo-bobo's armor, causing an intense blast of heat to partially melt it. Bo-bobo retaliated, managing, with style, a slash across the heart's torso. The heart's blood seemed to radiate, making it more of an orange color.
"Damn you! You're gonna-"
"Die, die, rue the day, die, die, ninjas suck, die! Have you not read the manga that has starred me, created by the 'one and only'!? Did you know how many of those damned villains said I would be killed!? Well guess what! They were so f—king wrong, dude! Heck yeah! So screw you!" Bo-bobo pointed a nasty finger at Giga's heart, whose jaw dropped to the floor, eyes bugged wide.
"Yeah! You go, girlfriend!" Serviceman squealed, donned in a cheerleader's outfit.
"I'm gonna vomit over there, now…" Namero sighed, going behind a rock and wretching.
Giga's heart snapped back into reality and began forming a ball of phagocytes with his hands. Charging his energy, he released them again. Bo-bobo managed to deflect many with his sword and spun flames from the blade, a warrior ability, The germs all melted, but sadly, they ended up in Serviceman's grape nut ice cream (which was a hideous gray color and had a foot sticking out of it). He ate it, and one second later, he was greener than a lime, his eyes rolling to the back of his head.
"ZOMG!" Chagecha shouted.
"Okay, what!?" Heppokomaru freaked out.
Bo-bobo continued to exchange blows with Giga's heart. It was even at most, yet Giga's heart had been cut a few times, meaning Bo-bobo had the advantage. Phagocytes remained, keeping the others (excluding Chagecha, who was polishing his fedora) occupied.
Heppokomaru, having just shot another round (and nearly killing Dengaku-man who came from nowhere), noticed Suzu frozen in place, holding her whip, shivering. She didn't appear to be grossed out by the germs, but rather scared of something else.
"What's the matter?" he asked quickly. Suzu wouldn't respond. He went over and shook her slightly.
"What is it?"
"Well…" Suzu muttered. "I just…don't know if…"
Heppokomaru sighed. "Oh, come on. Deal with it and whip some phagocytes. Who cares if you nearly got us killed during the palace escape?"
"Wow, aren't you caring," Chagecha grunted, picking lint out of his navel. A massive stack of it was plopped next to him.
"Uhh, what are you planning to do with that lint, Chagecha-san?"
"I'm knitting a sweater with it. Look!" Chagecha held up the lint-made sweater he was knitting, which was both fuzzy and mucky. Heppokomaru reacted by loading fire bullets into one of his guns and shooting the sweater, making it set on fire.
"Nooo! My sweater!" Chagecha's eyes bulged, making his glasses break. His hands were charred from the fire.
"Wow, and I was thankful for you saving my life." Heppokomaru bitterly bit his lip.
"You need to dump that attitude, you know?" Crosk came out of nowhere, toting a massive saxophone for some apparent reason.
"Shut up, Crosk."
"Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, ninja lover!?" Crosk pulled out a pie and smashed it into Heppokomaru's face! He then pulled out a lobster and shot it down his pants again, making him scream.
"You dared to join the side of the ninjas! You dared to defy the pirates! Welcome to Hell!" Crosk screamed, splitting Heppokomaru's legs open and stomping on his crotch. Heppokomaru caterwauled, but no one listened to him.
"Duuuh…pickle?" Don Patch fished a pickle out of his butt and threw it at Giga's heart's face. Already his HP was dwindling to the halfway mark.
-X-
Crystal Town: Club 3001.5
On the southern port of Crystal Town was the Club 3001.5, sporting a rainbow neon-light sign and was built in an elaborate yet classic seaside restaurant fashion. The port itself had the same ground layering like the rest of the town, the only difference being the wooden port decks that led out to sea. Everyone who resided in the port was silent; the only noises that could be heard were the shouts of the ship workers and the lapping of the ocean waves below.
As the day carried on, a man's foot kicked down the menu sign for Club 3001.5 by accident. Being a worrywart, he re-positioned it into place. He was, for the most part, hidden from view, only revealing some of his body, which was, surprisingly, a gelatinous blue color and very shaky. A bald man came to the port a few minutes later. He was donned in a spiked black vest over a lycra long-sleeved black shirt, poofy red pants, and black boots. Oddly enough, his head had two spikes on his head.
"General Tennosuke sir!" he shouted, disrupting the work in progress. The port workers complained by throwing several gallons of raw fish at the man's face. A swordfish's nose nearly stabbed him in the neck, but thankfully stuck into a wooden crate.
"Yes?" The gelatinous man sat on a box and began eating a piece of his head.
"Uhh…" the man lowered his voice to above a whisper. "All of the troop members are going to begin their assa-uhh, nice little walk through town…they're ready when you are…"
"Wait, what!? I told them to go streaking through town and steal people's property for fun!" the piece of tokoroten named Tennosuke whined. The second he spoke, the port workers glared at him.
"Oh, crap…"
The port workers and the employees of Club 3001.5-even the pop diva-ran toward the gelatinous Tennosuke and beat the crap out of him.
"WAAAAAAAAAH! MOMMY!"
30 minutes later…
Tennosuke's assisting man dabbed some ointment-dipped cotton onto Tennosuke's face, which could now be seen. He wore a baby blue military uniform, pants and top, and a general's hat of the same color. Various medals and patches were blazed on them, yet they seemed to signify little meaning, because a lot of them had the hiragana character "nu" on them!
"Wow, Softon-sama was right. You really do suck at keeping secrets, Tennosuke-kun." The man placed an ice pack on Tennosuke's swollen right eye.
"At least I don't write Light and L pairing fanfiction bunnies, Tomohiro…" Tennosuke sighed under his breath.
"Excuse me, sir?"
"Nothing…"
As the day in the port lazily carried on, Tennosuke and Tomohiro sat near the crates to relax. Several minutes later, however, they could hear a vehicle approaching.
"Huh? What's that?" Tennosuke asked.
Through the roads of the port came a combustion stretch limousine, a shiny black in color with golden adornments. A bird emblem stuck from the engine's front.
"A car?" Tennosuke asked himself.
"Not just a car. A limousine." Tomohiro pointed.
The limousine's engine came stopped clattering, and the front released some carbon gas into the air. The chauffer of the limo stepped out and opened the passenger side door. Tennosuke and Tomohiro could see a flashy white boot click onto the hard pavement. Whoever the passenger was seemed rich, so they thought.
The man inside the limo stepped out. He was donned in a fine black cape with white stripes, fastened in place with a massive red brooch with elaborate golden spiked fastener. His pants were off-white and form-fitting. His hair was very short, a shade of red. He wore dagger-shaped earrings. A golden eagle emblem was emblazed on a crown-band on his forehead. His skin had a slight tan to it. And he had an air of evil authority about him. Tennosuke melted at the sight of him.
"I wonder who he is…" Tomohiro whispered.
Tennosuke was too afraid to respond. The man's powerful image stuck inside his head. The man nodded his head to his chauffer, who accompanied him inside Club 3001.5.
"Too…scared…must think about…Belgian waffles to calm down…heheheh…I'll sing that song my mommy used to sing to me before bed…Belgian waffles, Belgian waffles, Belgian waffles, Belgian waffles…"
"Um, general, sir? I think it's okay to start our town raid, no?" Tomohiro tapped Tennosuke's shoulder.
"BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Tennosuke ripped in anger for no reason. A bucket landed on his head and knocked him out.
-X-
Back at the fight…
"So…this is how it must be…" Bo-bobo sighed with dramatic flair.
"I…guess so…" The heart closed his eyes, a bishonenus air around him.
"This is…the ultimate battle…the war for…"
Heppokomaru gulped in anticipation. He put on his square-shaped glasses and pulled out his notepad to take notes. Namero sat down, pulled out a portable DVD player, and began watching episodes of the Power Stone anime, Suzu held herself back, Chagecha made a sculpture of OVER from his boogers, OVER was posing for said sculpture, Serviceman was injecting enhancement, and Don Patch ate himself for no reason.
"The ultimate war…pirates vs. ninjas…in"
Unlike previous times, Heppokomaru was actually excited for a hajike-foreshadowed bout.
"…LET'S SEE WHO CAN KILL THEMSELVES FIRST BY BLASTING INTO THAT WALL!" Bo-bobo, dressed in pirate gear, pointed at a massive brick wall that appeared out of nowhere. He fastened himself into a cannon.
"You're on, bitch!" Giga's heart, clad in ninja gear, was prepared to stealthily launch himself.
"EH!?"
"Aaaand…BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Bo-bobo launched himself face-first into the wall, blood smearing onto his face. He slid down and ran back into the cannon; he had broken his nose but he seemed alright.
"BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Giga's heart slammed into the wall, breaking his chin. He went back to the platform, seemingly alright. The process continued for a good half-hour.
"I should've known…" Heppokomaru sighed. He dropped his notebook and glasses and smashed his head against a wall up to the point where his HP dropped to zero.
"BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Bo-bobo smashed his face with a rock.
"BLEGIAN WAFFLES!" Giga's heart stabbed his intestines with a cleaver.
"BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Bo-bobo ripped his chest apart with a lawnmower.
"BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Giga's heart thwacked his head off with a cement truck.
"BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Bo-bobo set himself on fire then landed him in a minefield.
"BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Giga's heart shot his crotch with a gatling gun a thousand times over.
"BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Bo-bobo shot his own head off with a missile.
"BELGIAN WAFFLES!" Giga's heart crushed its head with a massive statue of tofu.
"BELG-"
Chagecha stepped in, handing both idiots a fresh plate of Belgian waffles, home made, covered with syrup, whipped cream, and strawberries. They immediately stopped fighting and gazed at the breakfast of goodness. They each took a fork and knife and began to devour the meal.
"But why grant our request? We would've made some for ourselves eventually…" Bo-bobo moaned.
"My butt…" thought Suzu, sweatdropping.
Chagecha emitted a devilish aura. His glasses shone like the eyes of evil. Bo-bobo and the heart began to tremble a little.
"Because…I'm all out of…F—ING PATIENCE!" Chagecha let his Yankî rip through the cave. He pulled out his gunblade, set it onto its "auto-lock" mode, and began firing away at Giga's heart. Giga's heart had to leap and stick itself onto the ceiling to avoid the shots. He inhaled and burgled out a mass of phagocytes, but they immediately fell prey to the gunblade. Chagecha re-loaded after firing a round and leapt forward, landing a few strong hits on Giga's heart. Its arm began to ooze and orange-red slime that almost resembled clumping blood.
"Woaaaa….so cool…I want one!" Heppokomaru "oohed" like a child. He reached for it in his head, like a dying soul reaching Heaven.
"Heppokomaru, no! Down boy! Down!" Crosk pushed Heppokomaru's body down with his, making Heppokomaru feed on the dirt on the cave floor. He lashed his butt with a whip, making Heppokomaru whine in pain.
Suzu widened her eyes. "That's awesome…what is that?"
Chagecha stomped the ground and re-locked his gunblade into place. "This, my dear," he began, holstering the blade onto his shoulder. "Is the Lion's Gunblade, a beauty of a weapon with .445 caliber bullets that launch at over 130 kilometers per hour. Those are the bullets of a generic pistol that packs the punch of a submachine gun. And the blade itself," Chagecha paused by flipping the blunt edge of the blade onto his hand. "Is made of sheer titanium, with some steel, obviously."
"So cool…" Heppokomaru became chibi-sized, his eyes wide and sparkling. A pink background filled with bubbles surrounded him. Crosk pulled out a piece of note paper, wrote "stupid emo" on it, and taped it to the other boy's back.
Giga's heart collapsed from the ceiling onto the floor, becoming more liquid-like; his body began to coagulate. He began to pant frantically; he was losing rather badly.
"Why…why now!? After all this time, I've been a lousy statue…and this was the one chance I had to prove myself…gone! All gone to waste! And it's all because of these idiots!"
Giga's heart growled to itself, watching Bo-bobo drool with a sedated look on his face.
"My power, my strength, my love for ninjas…all dying. And it's pretty impossible to think that my host is alive after I dealt with all of this...what do I do now?"
Giga's heart scanned the room, picking out his opponents. He then looked at himself; he was still donned in ninja gear. Maybe it was time for some tricky ninja thinking.
"Hmm…" The heart placed an evil smirk on his face. He then walked up to Crosk, who was polishing his saxophone with Heppokomaru's notebook full of battle notes.
"Hey there. What's your name, little boy?" Giga's heart put a happy smile on his currently-deforming face. Crosk sweatdropped.
"Don't call me little, dipstick. I'm seventeen years old." Crosk's face became shrewd.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. So, wanna hang out sometime?"
"Uhh…maybe?"
"Awww, why so unsure?" Giga's heart put on a sad puppy face.
"I'm the leader of a prestigious enforcement squad now. I got responsibilities, and they're pretty damn big." Crosk pulled out his appointment book, most of them being filled with various dates for certain parties or events. Heppokomaru slapped his own face with his hand.
"Oh, so many parties. You don't look like you take responsibility at all."
"So?"
"So, you must be pretty lazy, huh, butthead?"
Crosk's mind suddenly snapped at that moment. His anger began to tighten like a piano wire. He began to load one of his pistols.
"The f—k did you just say?" he hissed, fire rising above him.
"I said that you're a butthead, butthead…" Giga's heart cackled.
"Ooohhhh…" Crosk gasped, loading his Capella Pistol with toxic bullets and exploding whoopee cushions. "Go back to Hell you evil piece of crap!" he shouted, preparing to fight.
"Shove it up yours, dillweed!" Giga's heart chortled. The other allies were all dumbstruck and said nothing.
Crosk shook his head; it was the final straw. He began firing a round on Giga's heart, making the heart smash into the wall, freaking out.
"Power of Hammerspace compels you! Super fist of Hammerspace: Super Virgin 0-40 Mega Death Pirate Cross 2000!"
Crosk whipped out a massive arsenal of plutonium-plated weapons that began to fire like all Hell had gone loose. Profaning and guzzling down cool whip from a can, he massacred Giga's heart with the power of Hammerspace. As Giga's heart tried to strike back, Crosk matrix-style dodged the attacks and launched a fresh round of bullets at the heart, making him fall into the danger zone of his health. And all that time, Don Patch flashed a sign sporting the word "cool" on it to emphasize the scene.
"Grr…damn you! Human trash!" Giga's heart coughed.
"Oh yeah!? Freaking loser!" And with that, Crosk round-house kicked Giga's heart's face, making his jaw smash hard.
"Grr…you…"
"DIE DIE DIE!" Crosk flipped the heart judo-style into the wall.
"Ah…ninjas…"
"NINJAS SUCK DUUUUDE!" Dressed as a pirate, Crosk performed the infamous Cutlass Fury onto the heart, making him nearly explode on impact. He then choked the heart with cool whip until he was unconscious.
"Yeah! Nobody calls me butthead and gets away alive! BITCH!" Crosk made a "hang loose" sign with his left hand and stroke a pose, the background behind him flashing.
Bo-bobo's team was flabbergasted. Their faces were white, their jaws hanging low, their eyes pale. Crosk was the eponymy of cool at that moment, something that none of them, especially Heppokomaru, thought could never happen.
Crosk calmed himself down and fished out Heppokomaru's battle notebook, which he had saved for polishing. He began to analyze Giga's heart's status and wrote it down:
Giga's human heart. His actual cardiovascular organ in a medium form, it serves as both a part of Giga's power source and his life source. Over twenty years ago, it was removed from his body and turned into a statue by some geeky demon bitch that no one cares about…but I digress. Man, it must've sucked for him to be stuck in some basement in a castle located in the middle of nowhere for the love of Hammerspace. Giga's such a turd…yeah, anyhoo, let's analyze…
Giga's heart's Status
Level: Level 47
Max HP: 8000 (Current HP: 147)
Max MP: 0
Max SP: 0
Attack Power: 210
Defense Power: 0
Magic Power: 0
Magic Defense: 678
Class: Indefinable
Equipment: None
Regular Skills: 0
Special Skills: 5
Unique Skills: 1
Wow…after all this time, this thing has virtually nothing on itself! It's the medium for Giga's powers, but it can't use them!? The only real things the heart can do is bitch-slap you-and make it hurt like hell-and launch powerful germs and catalyst-powered diseases at you, but that's it. It has high HP, but it easily dwindles because it has no defense! The only redeeming factor about it is that it's pretty much invincible to all magic, but with no defense, again, who needs to use it? And all those germs it attacked us with were pretty dangerous, but they can easily be destroyed or defended against. What a piece of crap! This heart is like a trash bag that had a bad day! Ugh! Get out of my face, you!
Crosk tossed the book at Giga's heart's face, inflicting two more points of damage. The childish enigma squinted and whined. He began to fall into defeat. His coagulated blood stuck to the ground and began to evaporate.
"Why you…" it spat.
Bo-bobo scuffled over, gently grasping Crosk's shoulder. "You can step back now." Crosk gently nodded and went to join the others. Bo-bobo bent down to the heart's level, grasped its chin, and gave it a gentle glare.
"You hate your host. I can already tell."
The heart turned away and hissed.
"And I don't blame you either. I know about it. He got rid of you to drown out his emotional burdens. But if you think about it, he can't live without you either. You're his source of power, his source of life. Surely, he can't be alive now in the pitiful state you're in."
Giga's heart looked up at Bo-bobo, eyes wide.
"Alone, you're pretty helpless yourself. Without your host, Giga can wield a near-indestructible power, and he's invincible at that. But there is one disadvantage that one can have when they live without their heart for years, and hiding it away in darkness."
"What's that?" he stuttered, attempting to get up. His body was deformed and coagulating.
"You feel pretty rebellious against him now, right?"
"Uh…I suppose."
"Then if you re-unite with him, then your bond with him as an organ will shatter. I think that he'll lose his invincibility if you reunite with him, not enforce it."
Giga's heart began to gain a shred of hope.
"I don't know much about this sort of thing, but if you help us defeat Giga by reuniting with him, then you can tell him how you feel. He will hear you as a person, not an organ or a tool. Yes, the fact is that an organ and medium that goes astray needs to be held down, but after what you have endured, I sympathize with you."
Bo-bobo held out his hand to the heart, who began to emit some kind of icy red liquid from his eyes; they seemed to resemble tears.
"So, will you do it for us?" Bo-bobo smiled. Giga's heart felt as if its inner organelles were going to melt.
"I…" it stuttered. "I…"
Silence filled the cave. Bo-bobo's teammates began to anticipate. Would this plan really pull through? Don Patch was already filled with doubt; he took a hammer and nail and literally nailed his brain with it. Within seconds he was brain-dead.
Giga's heart clenched its jaw. It clicked its teeth together, flustered with its choice. It was able to reform its body back together, and in a flash, dashed out the door. Bo-bobo spun around in shock.
"What was that!? Hold it!" Bo-bobo smashed the door down with his shoulder and began to chase after the heart. The others followed without hesitation, except for Don Patch. He was standing there, a nail in his head, blank-faced.
-X-
Giga's heart was reaching the end of the windmill tunnel. Despite the damage it had taken, it was still able to run, and it ran especially fast. Bo-bobo and the others had to sprint to catch up.
"Hfff…damn, that thing is fast! I'm gonna collapse any second now…this is why I use rollerblades!" Serviceman shouted.
"Don't give up Serviceman. Why don't I sing a song for you and that may boost your spirits?" Chagecha asked. Serviceman nodded his head, and Chagecha inhaled. The teenagers held their ears shut.
"He's gonna take you back to the past,
to play the s—tty games that suck ass,
he'd rather have a buffalo,
take a-"
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Heppokomaru screamed, his eardrums bleeding. He didn't realize he was all alone when the others exited the windmill. He profaned in frustration and headed out.
-X-
Genesis Gulch, outside the windmill
"Chagecha-sempai! You're alright!" Masato shouted from nearby. He and the rest of his motley crew sighed in relief when Bo-bobo's team returned.
"What the devil happened in there?" one of the ghosts asked.
"Well," Bo-bobo sighed, wiping sweat off his brow. "We found Giga's weakness. And fought it."
"You mean it!? Oh, joy!"
"And…that weakness may become an ally…if that's what it wants, I believe…"
"Excuse me? I don't understand…"
Up ahead, Suzu gasped, noticing a particular blob staring into the distance. It was Giga's heart, and it appeared as if it was waiting for something.
"Hey! You! Come here!" Suzu called. The heart did not respond. It just kept on staring as a figure appeared to be crawling ahead.
It was, of course, Giga. He looked completely deplorable; blood was foaming from his nose and mouth, leaving a strained trail of it behind him. He was crawling, barely able to keep his head up. The arm of what appeared to be a ghost hung from his mouth. His eyes were bloodshot and bloody thirsty for murder. He finally caught his own heart in his line of sight and hissed hungrily.
"Grrggghh…you…"
Giga's heart sighed and bent down to Giga's level. "So. How've you been these past twenty-odd years?"
"Shut…up…"
"I've been lonely, you know. It's cold down there in that basement. It's actually really dusty too. Oh, and let's not forget that it was straight-up boring to just sit there as a statue."
"I…said…shut…"
"And now that Bo-bobo and his team beat the living stuffing out of me, you need me back now, don't you?" The heart chuckled coyly.
"Shut up you piece of s—t!"
"How am I dung now? You need me more than ever. Hell, you can barely move without me. After all this neglect, this is what you get, I guess."
"You--!"
Giga grabbed his medium-powered heart and began to stuff it in his mouth. Bo-bobo and his team dashed over upon hearing the commotion. Most of them felt as if they were about to throw up right there.
Giga was able to swallow his own organ whole. He fell to the ground and staggered, panting frantically. His chest felt as if it were going to explode as his heart slowly transformed from a humanoid medium to a body-functioning organ. Saliva trailed from Giga's mouth as his aura flared from purple to a blackish color. His six Cyber Knight minions caught up to him and stared in awe at his transformation. He could feel his heart starting to beat, re-aligning with his other organs and passageways for power, pumping his blood. The feeling of emptiness was beginning to fill, and although he hated it like hell, it was his only other option.
"What in the holy name of the Black Sun is going on!?" J exclaimed.
"Master Giga…" Poet sighed.
"He looks like…a…demon…" Heppokomaru shivered.
For the first time in his life, Heppokomaru felt total fear…the Narrator spoke with a tremble. Heppokomaru's face went flat.
Giga's heart had begun to beat again within him. He slowly rose, his eyes red with fury. Wiping the saliva from his mouth, he hissed like a snake and staggered over to Bo-bobo. He came face to face with the brawnier man, glaring at him with nastiness.
"Haaa…with my heart reunited with my body, there's no way you can stop me…my power…it's shining brighter than before…and it feels…so good…aaaah…" Giga trembled as if he were getting a back massage. Bo-bobo responded by picking his nose with his classic "I don't care" look on his face.
"And now…Sir Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo…my time is here…my time to carry your head to Wizard Softon…and see his stunning smile. And…" Giga paused for a moment and went to his back pocket, toting out Beauty, still in doll form. "And I'm sure he'll be happy when he sees this girl here…whatever he wants her for…"
Namero and Heppokomaru clinched in anger. They weren't going to lose a best friend here, no way. Although it was obvious that a love triangle was foreseen, they weren't feeling love, not exactly. But whatever these feelings of warmth were, they didn't want to lose the one that gave it to them.
"Now…who wants a taste of the Fist of Objects!?" Giga screamed, letting his aura rip. The massive paintbrush from before was materialized into his hands. He launched himself at Bo-bobo, who reacted with a hard parry. Surprisingly, Giga's paintbrush cracked.
"What!? My brush!" Giga launched a powerful punch to Bo-bobo's jaw. Bo-bobo stumbled backwards, yet his jaw didn't feel much pain.
"What's going on? Something's wrong…" Serviceman noted.
"Let me see." Heppokomaru pulled out his notebook and began to analyze.
Over there is Giga, the art connoisseur who also takes in grave robbing for money. He wants the Obsidian Region as his own colony if Softon takes over the kingdom. He's invincible…or at least I think he was…
Giga's Status
Level: Level 29
Max HP: 870
Max MP: 600
Max SP: 40
Attack Power: 116
Defense Power: 98
Magic Power: 118
Magic Defense: 92
Class: Arcane Mage
Equipment: Sylphi Armor
Regular Skills: 37
Special Skills: 16
Unique Skills: 1
My my…he apparently didn't prepare himself if his heart returned to his body…he's at a lower level than we are, not to mention weaker…as an Arcane Mage, he can control gravity, some forms of darkness, and even the time-space continuum, but judging from what I've seen, he can only cast gravity spells. His power is the Fist of Objects (Obuje Shinken), but it was much more powerful when he was invincible…maybe for once, this boss battle will be a snap!
Heppokomaru shut his book, noticing that Crosk scribbled some profanity on the back of it. He cussed at the other boy, who chuckled in response. Bo-bobo, meanwhile, was still carrying blows on Giga, who was falling rather fast.
"Super Fist of Objects: New World Symphony!" Giga summoned a massive pair of hi-fi stereos and began to blast Dvorjak's New World Symphony into the ears of Bo-bobo's team. Sadly for him, they didn't react at all.
"What!? This is complete bull! Super Fist of Objects: Hands of Clay Attack!" Giga summoned a massive pair of clay hands that reached out for Bo-bobo. Once again, the attack crumbled. Comically enough, Bo-bobo ate a giant Belgian waffle and threw it back at Giga, who surprisingly got hurt.
"By a waffle!?" Heppokomaru shouted.
"Super Fist of the Nose Hair: Waffles." Bo-bobo tossed several hot Belgian waffles at Giga's face, and he shouted in pain! He fed one to him, nearly making him choke. All this time, his face was flat.
The ghosts were in awe themselves. "He's beating up Giga like a schoolyard sissy…"
"I'll say." Kouzan scratched the back of his head.
"Sir Bo-bobo is amazing, if not a bit kooky. What do you think, sempai?" Masato smiled at Giga, who at this point was tanning in the sun. Masato's jaw dropped to the ground.
Bo-bobo was defeating Giga instantaneously. The bystanders had gone off to do their own thing.
"Super Fist of the Nose Hair: Nose Hair Meteor Shower!" Bo-bobo launched a mass of meteors that bombarded Giga's body with immense power. He landed on the ground, watching Giga fall. He was in the danger zone. Bo-bobo watched Giga silently gather the last of his strength. He spat on the ground and sat up awkwardly.
"Ggghhh….all those years…wasted…because of you…"
"I didn't waste them. You did." Bo-bobo spat. Giga flared his nostrils in anger.
Suzu swallowed nervously and stepped forward toward Giga. She bought out her whip and put on the best anger face she could. "Okay then, Giga! You know and I know that you can't win this fight. So just leave this region alone! I have the High Spirit in my possession!"
Giga's eyes bulged in ferocity. "Is that so!? Well then…what will you do about it, jôchan? You're not thinking of fighting me, are you?"
"Of course I am!"
Giga chortled. "You're the sheltered baby matron of the mansion, and that's all you're known for. I know that you ditched Battleship because he abused you for your failures. Hell, I'd do the same to him now that he ditched me. I don't care how strong you are. You're just…well, nothing." Giga gave Suzu a nasty glare. Suzu immediately fell back, afraid, torn. She squirmed, remembering the days the captain would punch and beat her mercilessly. Her hope diminished.
"If you don't want to lose, then give the High Spirit back to me and run along home. Yeah, back to where you came from, you dumb cretin!" Giga shouted again, making tears well up in Suzu's eyes.
"Oy! How dare you!" Chagecha shouted. He walked over and put a hand on Suzu's shoulder. "You're a sheltered baby yourself, so who are you to talk!?"
Giga spat ferociously. "Sheltered!? And how am I sheltered!? I dare you to say that again, you piece of crap!"
"Now, forgive me for sounding like a philosopher, but I have to say it…" Chagecha pulled out a cigar, lit it, and smoked it. "You living without the source of emotion for twenty-odd years has weaned you. You've been weaned from experiencing the strength and burden of emotions-something that any person, no matter who, can be on par with. And using your heart as a medium has given it its own personality…it wants to rebel against you."
"Huh?"
Giga's head throbbed. His chest began to burn again. He could feel his stomach gurgling inside. A second later, he vomited some kind of blackish object (Serviceman screamed and fainted). The object glowed, re-forming into Giga's own heart. The empty void replaced itself in Giga's chest, yet it was more desolate and hollow than ever before, and it hurt crazily.
"Ggh…what the!?"
"I've had enough of you, my host…so…"
Giga's heart walked over to Heppokomaru and reached for the extra knife that was on a holster attached to his pants leg. It shivered, but was able to bring the knife toward its chest.
"Well…you asked for it…"
"Wait!" Everyone shouted. They ran at the heart, trying to stop it. Suzu made it first.
"You don't have to do this! We can just destroy your host without harming you!" Suzu pleaded. The heart dropped the knife.
"Really?"
"At least…I think so…because…"
Suzu pulled out her whip. She squinted her eyes shut as she lashed it hard against Giga's back. He retaliated in pain.
"Others can't decide life for you!" Suzu spun her whip around again and fired up illusion magic.
"Fire and brimstone surged forth, Sodom was burning. They turned the sinners into the dust of bloody death, illusion of ashes. Prominence!"
The illusion magic summoned a fierce storm of fire that overcame Giga completely. He began to burn; he tried to run, but the pain overcame him fast. The flames rushed up into the sky, like a geyser. By the time the flames evaporated, only Giga was burnt, much to everyone's surprise.
"Illusion magic only affects a certain target. Although it appears as an area-wide attack, it's a deception that only brings them even more pain. Get it?" Suzu commented.
"I sure don't…" Masato's head was spinning.
"Meh. Whatever." Bo-bobo rubbed some peanut butter under his armpits, making everyone else gag.
Giga spat out some blood from his mouth. He grasped his shoulder and hissed.
"I…won't…you…"
"I think you know what's next, Giga." Bo-bobo stated firmly. Giga trembled. Bo-bobo leapt into the sky and fired up his sword, and the rest of the gang, along with Chagecha, began to fire up fire-based attacks themselves.
"Giga, I'll never forgive you! Hanage Shinken Chouougi: Hanage Revolution: Fire Version!" Bo-bobo's nose hairs were literally on fire, and they cracked Giga's bones and burnt them with amazing farce.
"Oh! Oh! Me next!" Serviceman shouted. "Sniper Technique: Propane Bolt!" Serviceman launched a crossbow soaked with propane. Giga raised the remains of one eyebrow out of confusion.
"SERVICE!" Once again, Serviceman flashed his newly-enhanced goods, activating the propane and lighting Giga into a bluish purple fire.
"You better return Beauty and Torpedo Girl to us!" Heppokomaru fired several flame bullets into Giga's torso, and opened his butt. "Kakusei Onara Shinken Ougi: Satsuki!"
The black farts activated the bullets. As Giga screamed, Namero came for the next attack.
"Lerolero Shinken Ougi: Sinfonie!" Namero placed some Tabasco sauce on his tongue and lashed at Giga rapidly with it. Giga's mouth began to sting with flames.
"Yeah, how's that!? HOW WAS THAT!?" Namero shrieked, his eyes bulging and his jaw flaring in the creepy fashion that was often seen in the manga. Heppokomaru freaked out.
"YAH!" OVER was next in line. "Gokaku Zanketsu Shinken Ougi: Kabosu!" OVER slashed Giga furiously, with the sting of lemon on his open wounds.
"But…" Giga could barely speak. "That had nothing to do…with…fi-"
"SHUT UP, BITCH." OVER whipped out a flamethrower and flamed Giga.
"And now…" Chagecha twisted his fedora and placed ammo into his gunblade. He fired a few rounds on Giga; many then expected alchemy magic, but instead, it was Yankî…"
"Yan-Deadly Technique: Eternity Sunrise!"
Chagecha launched his arms onto Giga, making his body explode into sunshine-like fire. At long last, the "invincible" Giga was literally reduced to ashes.
"The deed is done. Giga's dead." Chagecha placed his gunblade over his shoulder again.
The ghosts couldn't believe what they just saw. Their tormenter was dead. Now they could live in simple peace and harmony, at least until they moved to the next world.
"Giga is…Giga is…" the ghost from the castle shivered in happiness and nervousness.
"We're…free?" another asked aloud. Right on cue to answer, the ghosts that Giga had eaten flew up into the air and came back down on top of his ashes.
"You're all free." Bo-bobo smiled.
"It's a miracle…"
The ghosts screamed in joy and floated and scared one another in celebration. Giga the invincible was no longer invincible, and dead. Bo-bobo's party and Chagecha's posse smiled in satisfaction, except Longhorn Onizawa, who wet himself for no reason.
"Well, we did it…and all that's left is…" Namero cut off when he realized something.
"Oh, lord…oh no!"
"What's wrong?" Kouzan asked.
"Beauty…the doll Beauty…was in Giga's pocket this whole time…and we…"
Namero's face began to resemble the infamous painting, The Scream, and fainted with an extremely loud shriek. Heppokomaru also twitched, realizing their mistake.
"Beauty is…" He shuddered. Everyone else fell into sadness.
"Hey, look up there!" Tiger Mask pointed at a glowing sapphire light in the sky. It slowly descended and soon landed. The glow was revealed to be Beauty, safe from harm, being protected by the pendant she wore. Surprisingly, it was at normal size.
"Beauty!" Bo-bobo shouted. He grabbed the doll and smiled at it. Heppokomaru picked up the pendant and held it in his hand.
"What is this? Is this the thing she wore this whole time?" he asked himself. He widened his eyes at the detail of the gold. It held in place a large blue sapphire that contrasted with Heppokomaru's red eyes.
"It's so pretty…" Himawari commented from behind Heppokomaru's shoulder.
OVER glanced over from left to right, realizing that someone else was missing. "Where's Torpedo Girl!? Where is she!?" He screamed, slicing Onizawa into bits.
"Uhh…is this it?" Kotarou emerged from behind the windmill with the Torpedo Girl statue.
"Torpedo Girl!" OVER caressed the statue gently.
"Oh, isn't this great? We're all together again." Masato smiled. Chagecha ruffled his hair.
"Sure, but now we have to get Beauty and Torpedo Girl back to normal," Serviceman commented.
"Just leave that to us."
Bo-bobo spun around and was shocked to see Aqua and Ignis floating nearby, right on cue. Aqua had a staff in hand that resembled her microphone as if it were placed on a stand.
"High Spirits! How are ya?" Bo-bobo asked, both bowing and waving casually.
Masato raised an eyebrow. "Wow…so they're the High Spirits? The shapers, repairers, and guardians of the planet?"
"Well, two of them. They're nine in all," Kotarou commented.
"You're correct, official of the Yankee Republic. And, I believe that a certain matron of the Don Kingdom has a third, no?" Ignis pointed at Suzu. She jumped in shock.
"Oh, right!" Suzu cleared her throat and calmed down. "Sir Bo-bobo, I've been thinking during the parts of this adventure that I had, and Giga was right in a way. I am a sheltered baby."
"Suzu, Don't say such a thing." Bo-bobo sighed.
"Please listen. I need to get back and Captain Battleship…and I also don't want to sit here with the kingdom in danger. So…if you would, may I keep journeying with you?" Suzu asked politely.
Bo-bobo smiled again. "Of course. Anyone who wants to defeat Softon is an ally of mine. As long as they give me some doodlecakes, of course."
"Yea, sure, whatever. Now then, as I promised, I'll free the High Spirit now that Giga's gone. Poppa Rocks!" Suzu clapped her hands, summoning the Don Patch look-alike ghost.
"Yeah, what is it?" Poppa Rocks appeared to have been beaten; a massive bump and a pair of tighty-whiteys were on his head.
"Giga is gone. Can you fetch that sparkling card for me?"
"Ugh, whatever. I need my therapist…" Poppa Rocks vanished for a second, and in that same amount of time, returned with a shining object in his hand.
"I now present, the High Spirit of Thunder, Fulguralis…bluh…"
He released the star from his hand, and it slowly rose into the air, glowing. It shook for a moment, and seconds later, it exploded into a ring of sparkling stars. The card that held Fulguralis captive re-materialized into place, spinning and stopping.
"The third spirit will now be free!" Bo-bobo shouted, wearing a t-shirt that said "freedom fighters" on it. He touched the card, making it react and spin. It spun faster and faster, until at last, Fulguralis was clear and fleshy. He launched into the air for a moment, then came back down, his face bright and glad.
"Oh, good god…I'm free…yeah!"
Fulguralis raised his armpits, which actually stunk! Everyone in the area, even the ghosts and the other spirits fainted!
"Oh, come on! It's not that bad!"
End of Chapter!
-X-
Giga of the Obsidian Region was believed to be invincible, yet it was the complete opposite. Now Giga's own heart is free, as are the ghosts of the region. And with a little help from Chagecha and his cohorts from the south, Fulguralis was also freed. Thus closes yet another chapter of Bo-bobo's quest.
But now many new questions appear. Who are the mysterious ones that visited Crystal Town? What does Softon truly want and why does he desire Beauty to be in his clutches? What will become of Hatenkou and Princess Patches? And where will Sir Bo-bobo travel to next?
With virtues of power at their side, anything is possible for Bo-bobo and his friends…
-X-
FOOTNOTES
-Ammolite is a rare and valuable gemstone that is similar to an opal. It often features iridescent rainbow-like patterns in shells and rocks of green, blue, red, and yellow.
-Chagecha sang the first few lines for the theme song used for ScrewAttack's Angry Video Game Nerd.
-Kabosu is a green fruit that shares similar traits with lemons.
-All I want for Christmas is…BELGIAN WAFFLES!