The Very Thought of You

Chapter 33

Sunday at long last arrived. Joey had felt like it never would. Janet had gone to Church with Ruby and was to pick up Vince from his Grandmother's on the way home. Joey had elected not to attend with them, instead, as her ribs were feeling less tender now, walked up to the allotment to do some planting. She was in the middle of planting some leeks when she heard a familiar voice.

"Joey."

Joey's head shot up in a moment. Days and days of pining, sadness and loneliness seemed to vanish in an instant.

"Charlie! How did you know where to find me?" Joey said, excitedly.

"Well, nobody was around at home so I guessed, being Sunday, all the worthy folks would be at Church!"

"And hence, I'm here!" Joey laughed.

"No, you know I didn't mean that. I just took myself off for a stroll and thought I'd meet you all from Church afterwards. How have you been?"

"Alright." Joey answered, avoiding Charlie's eyes.

"You look tired."

Joey gave a little smile.

"Well, I've had some things going on in my life recently and they don't always allow me to sleep well." Joey said, shifting uneasily.

"I'm sorry." Charlie said, feeling guilty for running away and leaving Joey to sort out her problems alone.

"Sorry, why?" Joey said glancing at Charlie.

"I should have..." Charlie couldn't finish her sentence. She looked down at the ground instead.

"How was your break?" Joey asked, changing the subject trying to make Charlie feel a little more comfortable.

"It was good. It was lovely to see Dad. He was well, considering. Morag takes such good care of him. I can hardly find words enough to..." She looked at Joey forgetting to finish her sentence.

"Did you, did you manage to sort yourself out?" Joey asked quietly.

Charlie blushed and struggled to speak. She looked out beyond the allotment and licked her lips.

"I see." Joey said as she lifted her folk and walked to the shed to put it away.

"I tried to work things out, Joey," Charlie called behind her, "but I found it so hard because, I couldn't stop ..." The last few words Charlie almost whispered.

Joey's heart beat faster. She looked back at Charlie whose eyes were earnestly gazing into her own.

"This hasn't been easy for me, Joey. It never entered my head that I could be seriously attracted to another woman. I honestly thought if I could get away for a few days, have some time apart from you, it would all fade away or something. But I couldn't stop thinking about you long enough for that to happen."

Joey felt her heart leap into the sky with delight at Charlie's words.

"So, you – you love me too?" Joey almost pleaded.

Charlie looked at the other girl observing a light in her eyes she hadn't seen for a long time. She took a deep breath.

"Joey, I've never felt this way about anyone before." She said stepping closer to Joey, "but I've decided I'm not going to do anything about it."

Joey's heart fell into her shoes. Her head felt light and her throat went dry as she tried to speak.

"Why?" She managed at last.

Charlie blinked quickly trying to stop tears which were threatening to leave her eyes. The pain she was inflicting on the only person in the world she had ever truly loved and the knowledge of the years of loneliness and heartache she was inflicting on herself was killing her inside.

"I've never thought of myself as being like that before and even if that is part of who I am, I still have the choice not to do anything about it." Charlie watched Joey's world collapse around her. "I know you think I'm weak, but I can't do it, Joey, I can't do it!"

Joey watched the tears fill Charlie's eyes with her revelation. She nodded her head gently but was beginning to feel oppressed. She needed to run, as far away as possible, from Charlie.

"I'll have my things out of the house before you get back." Joey said tonelessly, beginning to walk away.

"Joey!" Charlie said grabbing hold of Joey's arm as she began to leave. "You don't have to do that!"

"Charlie!" Joey said turning around sharply. "I can't stay in the same house as you, being so near to you, I can't do that; it would be too painful. All the time you were at your Fathers, I was willing the hands on the clock to move faster and faster, waiting for you to come home and say all the words I prayed you'd say and instead it's just..."

"Joey! I don't want you to leave like this. I want you to say!" Charlie cried anxiously.

"You're suffering from delusions, Charlie. Haven't you thought how awkward and painful it would be for us both if I stayed?"

Charlie looked down at the floor realising Joey was right.

"Where will you go?" She asked quietly, wiping some stray tears away from her face. "You don't have anywhere to go!"

"I'll go home." Joey said, mustering up a little pride from nowhere.

"Joey! Are you kidding? And you say I'm suffering from delusions! For God's sake, don't go back home! You'd just have to pretend you're someone who you're not!"

"Why not? You can!" Joey said simply and turned to leave.

"JOEY! JOEY!" A voice from a little distance away.

It was Ruby, running for all her worth.

"JOEY! - OH! CHARLIE! You're home!" Ruby almost screamed.

Charlie and Joey stopped in their tracks at the sound of anguish in the young girl's voice.

Ruby flung her arms around her sister.

"Charlie! Paul has been shot down and Janet's in a terrible mess. His mother got a message to Janet in Church. Please come! She's at the Vicarage at the moment!" Ruby cried anxiously looking from Charlie to Joey and back.

The Squadron Leader had been on op's that day over Germany and his Lancaster bomber had come into conflict with the Luftwaffe. His cockpit had burst into flames and the intense heat had burnt his face terribly. He'd been pulled out by his men who had dowsed the fire and managed to fly the aircraft back home and land with relative safely. He had been rushed to a special burns ward in the nearby hospital and they were doing all they could for him.

Joey looked at the ground. However fond she was of Janet and however much she appreciated her kindness, her presents there, just now, would not be needed. Instead, she slowly turned around and headed back to the house.

Charlie watched Joey walk away from her and was torn between the girl whose heart she had just broken or her friend, who was in much need of comfort.

Ruby tugged urgently at Charlie's arm and very reluctantly, she began the walk down to the Vicarage, casting one backwards glance towards the love of her life.