A/N.: One thing I forgot for all those who didn't read wind of change: Ryan used to be a straight-A-student.
French Revolution
No I didn't sleep a lot last days…weeks…months – to be really honest to myself. I should be tiered like hell. But truth is: I can't sleep. And added to my every night nightmares I started to be afraid. Afraid of something nobody was afraid of. Seth isn't afraid of it, not Summer and of course not Marissa. But I am. This is fucked up and no matter how hard Marissa is trying to help me I just can't overcome this fear. Ridiculous, but bloody truth. Worse of all, Marissa was risking her family peace only to help me and I'm not able to improve. Something is definitely wrong with me. Well, I know this something. There are several other that don't. Yes, I start to feel like the most ungrateful scum one can imagine. I know they want to help. I know they won't hurt me. I know they won't judge me. But knowing it in theory didn't make it easier to transfer it into practise. And exactly this is my problem. I know all this…I just can't and I have no explanation why. As well as I have no explanation why I start to be scared…off school. I never was and I'm not supposed to be and yes, this doesn't help with my sleeping problem. Shit. This is all I can think about right now. A look at my clock tells me there are still three hours left before getting up. I hope getting some sleep. It's not that I'm getting nothing. Otherwise I'm sure my life span already would have reached its limit. I wake up every hour. Closing my eyes frightens me, because it's always the same scene coming up. The house, the shouting, my brother. The bang, the blood and the fact I was alone. I still am, am I? I have no clue, what I am and what not. Things had changed that fast that I wasn't able to recognize it all. Too fast for my taste. But who bothered asking me first? From Chino to Newport. From rotten family to an idealistic one. This was surreal. This couldn't work and that's a fact. I don't even blame the others. It's all my fault. I don't fit and they don't see it. But I'm tiered of trying to fit in. I don't want to adapt to a surrounding that will throw me out as soon as it gets an opportunity. Only two hours left now. The next morning is going to be funny. And as soon as I've finished this thought my alarm clock starts buzzing. I'm so damn fucking tiered. I have the feeling as if my body is going to collapse under its own weight. I go to the bathroom. A shower always can wake me up. I turn on the water, cold. But the effect of being awake afterwards is not as strong as it used to be. Let it tell it that way: effect equals zero. I put on my clothes and slowly walk to the kitchen in the main house. It still feels strange. This is not my home, this is not my kitchen, but I'm supposed to get to the cupboards and shelves and take out what I need. Even at the place that I called my home, I wasn't allowed to do so.
"Good morning Ryan." She greets me. And again I meet this concerned look. I don't understand her. No matter how often I tell her, I'm alright. She doesn't believe me. For my Mum these few words would have been enough to not being bothered for the rest of the week.
"Morning." I answer shy. She give's me a mug with hot steaming coffee. I drink it, although I know it won't help with my exhaustion.
"Are you hungry?" Already these two sentences are more my Mum had spoken to me in the morning - when she had managed to get up that early, what was rare. I start to feel sad. Not sad in a girly way. More like wanting to smash the mug against a wall. Crazy, I know. I'm screwed up. Complete totally screwed up with royalty getting send to the nuthouse.
"No, thanks." I answer. I stopped being hungry…well…I don't know exactly but it was sometime before I came here that's for sure.
"You need to eat something." I know, but since when does anybody care? Yes, I'm bothered by all these concerns and caring measures. I'm no straying puppy that needs to be pampered. I only need some space for myself.
"Here." She hands me a dry bagel. Not eating at all, would be impolite, thus I take little bites. My stomach starts to turn, but I ignore it. Ignoring things is my A-class skill.
"Hey, Ry what's up!?" I'm glad Seth enters the kitchen. He always gets a strange atmosphere lightened up and nobody asks stupid questions anymore.
"Nothing special." I answer.
"Well, this leaves me more space for my little problem." Meaning his girl-problems and I can imagine what this will be about.
"Did I tell you that Anna called last night?"
"Yes."
"And…now I…you know Anna and I before Summer and I and I don't know whether to tell her or not. I'm a little afraid she might be jealous or something at me and then start one of her revenge attacks."
"Seth, where is the problem?" As usual I'm overtaxed with the exercise discovering Seth's problem out of a bunch of fast spoken words.
"That Anna had called and I have no idea how to explain it to Summer without making her furious."
"Just tell her."
"Yes, but how will she react? She'll think that Anna and I still have something going and she will part…"
"Seth, you three were all friends. Just tell her that Anna had called and…dunno what she told you."
"Yes, but…"
"Seth, Summer is no monster and I guess your relationship is strong enough to bear such a phone call."
"Do you think so?"
"I do." Sometimes I wish Seth was able to think about the easy way first. And why did he have to make a drama about things like that? Well, at least it's funny.
"A wonderful morning to you all." This sentence only can come from Sandy. I ask myself, whether it was possible to meet him in a mood of frustration. On the other hand he had worked with a lot hopeless cases like me. Maybe this was making him more patient in somehow. I don't know. I only know that I was afraid of this man. Not in the way I used to be afraid of my Mum's boyfriends. This man was looking at me and I'm afraid he's looking through me – reading what's going on. This frightens me. My inside is the last piece of privacy I have left.
"C'mon Ry, we need to go. I want to talk to Summer before the lessons. I need to relieve my conscience." And with these words, Seth pulls me out of the house and I'm glad I'm leaving. I just can't stand this atmosphere. Everybody expecting this one thing and gets disappointed when I can't fulfil their wish – once again.
"Ryan, do you stay in the library again after school?" Kirsten asks. And I feel caught.
"Uh…yeah, think so." I answer. And I meet this look, telling me she knows I don't tell her everything. At least I'm not lying to them. This was the first habit I broke with. I couldn't lie to them. This was impossible – out of which reason I can't say. I just don't tell them everything.
"Is it because you don't like to be here?" She asks me and this question feels like a knife in my heart. This wasn't the reason. Okay, I don't feel too comfortable here, but it's okay, I guess.
"No…no…just can learn more efficient there." She nods and then we leave.
School is…not fine. I have the feeling as if I'm a dyslexic with a phobia of numbers and figures. I'm back where I came from: at the edge ready to fall down. No matter how hard I try, nothing works. I really want to, and in somehow I know I can. The previous months had been the best proof I'm not dumb. But maybe this only had been luck. On the other hand luck doesn't happen to me. I have no clue of what's wrong – wrong with me. Maybe it would be best for all, if I just leave. But this would bring me back straight to juvies.
"Mr. Atwood. One easy question for you: How long did the French revolution take place?" My history teacher asks. From 1789 to 1799, ten years. I know it. I can't answer him. I'm intimidated. He hates me, from the first lesson on and I have no idea why.
"I'm waiting for an answer." He goes on. I decide to switch in mute state. This is the best.
"Well Mr. Atwood as I said once, you should reconsider your choice of school." He says and then I'm free from him.
"Ryan, what's wrong with you?" She asks me. She was sitting behind me in classes. I shrug my shoulders. I feel embarrassed all her efforts and then this. My teacher is right. I should reconsider my choice of school. I don't fit here.
"Ryan, talk to me. You can't tell me you didn't know the answer." She goes on. She takes my arm and leads me out on the campus.
"I dunno." I sit down on a wall and she sits next to me, putting an arm around my waist.
"You should talk to Sandy and Kirsten about this. I mean the first quarter you didn't have any problems and now you even struggle in math. Something is utterly wrong and you could use some help." I know she's right, but what she says isn't that easy.
"I manage it on my own. I don't want to bother them with that." I say. She's the only person I can talk to like that. She's the only person I'm not afraid of telling too much.
"I don't think you would bother them. I guess they would be rather glad to see you start to trust them and let them help." I only shrug my shoulders once again.
"I can imagine the last few months had been rough and it's understandable that it's hard for you to go on as if nothing had happened. But it can't go on like this, because you're harming yourself." And there it is. It's all my fault and I admit it.
"And what if I change to a public school?" I just suggest. Honestly I've been thinking a lot about this opportunity. I won't be the odd one there and the stuff they're teaching is much easier than this here.
"No way. First of all, you can't allow Mr. Bork to get you down like that and second of all, when shell we see each other? We already have not enough time for each other. If you leave to another school it would be even less." She protests. "Despite at the end of the week Seth's parents will know anyway." Shit. That meant I had to hope they would just forget.
"And what then? How will you explain it to them? Better now than when it's already too late."
"It's already too late." I say and jump up. She had the skill to lay her finger as long on some sore point until I start to freak out.
"No, it's not."
"C'mon, we all know I don't fit into this. Everything was perfect as long I left for the weekends and the community had their free time. But…this…it's just not working. I'm caught in a place I don't belong to and everyone is expecting me to jump of joy. Sorry, but I can't do this." What I'm saying has nothing to do with my school problem anymore. But it feels as if all this is linked to each other. Added to that I just had to get it out of my mind.
"You might not belong here, but you belong to me and I'm reluctant to let you go. And if I have to fight day and night for it." She says, taking me into her arms. It's strange. I should be the strong one, protecting her. But it's…mixed up. She's the one, protecting me.
"Aren't you doing it again?" I only ask.
"Well, then I have to fight harder, if you can't. You can't only stand in for others. You can't only help others and then forget about yourself. This doesn't do you any good." And then she kisses me and it is as if I forget about everything.
I leave school late. I have no other choice. The others probably are already having dinner. I have to say a big thank you to Seth, when this episode is over. He's covering me and having my back, although I can see he wants to tell his parents. He trusts them. When he has a problem and can't solve it he knows they'll fix it for him. I'm used to fix them on my own and I don't want to be a burden. I feel like an intruder and I don't need to worsen this feeling. I just try to be as invisible as possible - a little complicated if everyone is having an eye on you.
"Hey Ryan, nice to see you. I started to think you might move to the school." Sandy says when I enter the kitchen.
"Sorry." I only say. My behaviour is out of place. No matter what I do, it's wrong.
"Sit down and have something to eat." Kirsten says. This is nothing to discuss about, I can hear it in her voice. But I'm not hungry.
"Is that all?" Kirsten asks me. I'm making a mental note: never eating alone only with Sandy and Kirsten around. But this was my fault. If I had arrived earlier, Seth would have been there.
"Sorry…not hungry." I mumble and bring my plate into the kitchen, putting it into the dishwasher then I leave for the pool house. I feel their glances in my back.
I'm sorry for not having much time for Seth, as I used to have. It was a fun time and a lot easier, when I hadn't been a part of the household. I start to concentrate on my math homework, without success. I used to take only thirty minutes for them. Now it's nearly one hour and twenty minutes. Someone is knocking at the door of the pool house. It can't be Seth. He's out with Summer, thus not that bad that I don't have much time left, I think.
"Hey, can I come in?" It's Kirsten.
"Yeah, of course." This is your house, you don't have to ask.
"Here, I went to the pharmacy today and they said this tea can help you sleeping." She places the mug onto my desk and I have no idea what to think about this. She isn't finished with her visit yet. She sits down on the bed.
"Ryan, I…we start to worry a bit. You're not sleeping, eating and you're working so hard for school. Is there something you want to talk about?"
"No…thanks…I'm fine…really." I feel caught. She sighs.
"I don't have to tell you that I don't buy this from you." She answers. "But if you start to feel like talking or need any help with anything, please let Sandy or me know. That's what we're there for." She says and then leaves the pool house and I'm again left with a bad conscience.